I will never commit suicide


But I'm still just... Overall depressed

Sometimes, I feel like it's pointless to make friends

Because then life happens

So, I have a bad habit of letting things pile up on my shoulders until I have little mini breakdowns and end up staying up half the night to just sort of overdose on random funny stuff and music on the Internet to get myself back into a non-terrible mood.

:I

But tonight, it didn't really work. And the sun's gonna come up soon, and I have things I need to do after it rises.

And the worst part is, I can't talk to anyone about exactly what's dragging me down, because my problems are either (a) embarrassing (b) my own fault because i'm stupid and DON'T TRY TO TELL ME OTHERWISE okay i'm just STUPID sometimes and i can't stop it (c) about someone I care about and I can't vent with someone when part of my vent is ABOUT THEM, (d) talking about how inadequate I am to someone who's awesome isn't exactly enjoyable, (e) i'll probably start crying for no reason and TALKING IS HARD WHEN I CAN'T FLIPPING FORM WORDS THROUGH THE SOBS gosh darn it .__., (f) trust issues, (g) all of the above.

So, I kind of feel like a cat with a tissue box stuck on its head--trapped, confused, frantic, and backing up in circles as fast as I can but not getting anywhere.

._. Part of me just wants to take a break from KP. But, then, y'know what would be better? Taking a break from my life. Or just my routine. Or my brain. Can't I, like, rent out someone else's brain for a bit? Preferably someone's brain that isn't infected with self-hate and depression and jaded against so many things...????

AND THEN ANOTHER PART OF ME IS ACCUSING THE REST OF ME OF BEING UNGRATEFUL BECAUSE MY LIFE HAS SERIOUSLY IMPROVED IN A BUNCH OF AREAS but other areas still really really seriously suck and I know I can't have a perfect life but holy crup can't I just get this stuff to ease up a bit??? X__x

We all have struggles, deary. And all of them are different. And we all fail sometimes and we're ALL stupid sometimes. We can't help it, we're only human. i have strayed so far from the path, I'm trying to stick in brain what's morally right and what God says is right. But that's the thing about sharing a big God. He's already forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself. I struggle with that... a lot. You get down on yourself so much you literally don't know what to do with all the luggage and crap. You can't let your past mistakes possess you. You can't let them control your life. It's your life, live it, please. FEEL FREE for goodness sake.

Love you, girly :) Feel free to talk to me anytime.

....*long moment of contemplative silence*...You're right, Kendra. You couldn't be more right. It's just...it's hard to apply things like that to myself, sometimes, because I know how to forgive everyone else...but myself...and I really don't know why that is. (And it doesn't help when some of these problems are unfixable, or at least seem that way at first.) But...you're right. Thank you for saying all that....I needed to hear it. Thank you so much.

You're too nice... ;w; Just...I...yeah. Thank you. I don't feel like I deserve that, but, thank you. It means a lot. You're fantastic. *doesn't really know what to say other than that*

I feel it's my duty to say something about this.
Barbara Park, author of The Junie B. Jones series died of cancer on Friday. I'd like to thank her, because if it weren't for her books I might not be enjoying books as much as I do now. She made me realize I wanted to be a writer at a really young age.
She wrote 30 of these books. She spent her entire life making children happy, and making them love reading. She was amazing.
Thank you so much, Barbara Park.

This .

Looking at what's happened to other people I know I shouldn't be upset with my life, and I overreact to so much, and I constantly feel selfish about this and sometimes upset for no reason and gah. I feel selfish and really miserable right now.

sometimes it happens like this.
sometimes i just have these conversations with my parents, and all of a sudden, they take a turn for the depths of depression, and it's then when i realize that, hey, my parents are people, you know? they're people and i have no right to downgrade them or call their experiences less than my own when they certainly have more than me, or even to say that they don't understand what i'm going through. they do, to a greater extent than i've ever thought possible.
but the thing is, just when something like this happens, i realize that my parents are forgivable, fallible human beings. and i think, maybe i shouldn't yell at them and hate on them so much, you know? maybe i should try to be more civilized, not them.
and then we have our next fight/argument/whatever and i'm not thinking because i really do, that is, never change. i can't fucking change. i'm stuck in my depressive cycle much like i'm stuck in this one. because no matter what, i always yell back.

I've twisted my ankle thrice since August, and I missed cross-country bc of that. Also...I'm finally up to the stage in life where I have a shitton of tests but when I get back all my thoughts revolve around FACEBOOK TUMBLR and ugh

*crushes you with hugs* that sounds horrible im so sorry.
hey i can't speak for everyone but I do care

I'm am so effing p***ed!!!!!! On every flipping website I go to, all of these stupid ads from Better Surf come up! Well guess what-- the ads are NOT FOR BETTER SURFING. They're ticking me off so much-- banner ads at the bottom and top, ads to dangerous websites that undoubtedly have tons of viruses linked into random words on the page! And I have no flipping idea how to get rid of them! I downloaded Ad Blocker Plus-- but do you think that's doing anything? Of course not! These flipping ads are making me want to throw the computer against a wall!!!

-If anyone knows how to get rid of these/where to report websites, please tell me. Sorry for the rant...I'm a bit steamed right now.

MY SISTER'S "SINGING".
'nuff said D:

(*hugs really super tight*)
oh honey
you are so amazing okay. I sent you an email .
Stay strong bby c:

(*clings to you and tries not to cry but fails*)
(*whispers*) thank you

no you don't deserve to be upset! it's okay, remember you can always talk to us if you are feeling bad.

(*pats your head and hugs you*)
(*whispers back*) How many times do I have to tell you/ Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
no problem just stay strong honey

Oh my gosh yes.
My mom has depression and it kills me to see her sad yet sometimes I get so angry and I yell. After that I just get mad at myself because she doesn't deserve it and I can't help but think I'm the reason.

*hugs back* thanks LST :) it just reaaaally stinks because he's like 60 and my youngest brother is like 6 and he's the only one who makes any money in my family to support us and yeah

Lena you are awesome and you absolutely do not deserve to be ignored. You deserve to have better friends that care about you and to be happier and to live a happy life.

Unfortunately, life fricking sucks and does not find anyone really deserving of all those things, even though some people really fricking deserve it. Hopefully in the near future life will stop screwing around. All I know is that you are so fab that things will 100% work out for you.

But anyway, cheer up please? For me and all your other friends? C:

yeah i just recently found out that my dad also had depression (he's not really over it. he thinks he is. but i know him better than he does) and goddamn that just makes me feel even worse about my yelling at him. the thing is that i can understand, comprehend, whatever, but i cant change. i know what you mean by that last sentence. it fucking sucks

It's really nice to be able to say I have a best friend again.
It's been a while. :)

I offered to let him read my writing today for the first time. I don't know why I did. It just felt like the right moment, you know? So it kind of really hurts that he turned away from me and turned the news back on. I want to feel closer to my dad but he's not allowing it. I wish he cared enough to want to feel closer to me too.

u think everything is right just because u say it is.
well guess what
it ain't
it'll never be
and, til i'm through with telling you how it's gonna be, i'm mad--and i've never been mad at you.

I'm so sorry, lv. :( He's really missing out. You AND your writing is fantastic.

*gives you a cookie* You okay, buddy? What happened? D:

siblings..............

Ohhhh, I see. :I *nods* You have my sympathy. I TOTALLY know what you mean.

And now I'm depressed again...
This has been a major problem lately...
I'm either moody, depressed, or pissed very often in mornings and evenings...
Ironically my favorite times of day...
See, there I go, snapping at my mother...
Being on my iPad not wishing to talk to anyone and getting pissed whenever they talk to me...
Losing myself in a moment and going overboard and almost hurting people...
And myself...
Randomly hating people...
And myself...
Getting my heart repeatedly ripped to shreds by anime...
Just feeling really dull and like everything is boring and pointless...
Wanting to burn or otherwise obliterate everything in some of those lose-control moments...
Having an overload of shitty homework this weekend...
Wanting to watch Catching Fire but being all like ewe I have to go to a theater with people...
It's funny, I used to have more anger issues but be better with people...
Now I'm quite socially awkward and have trouble communicating with anyone...
I don't know how I even have friends...
And also feeling like I shouldn't get too comfortable with my friends...
Because life will happen...
Feeling like I'll lose them all at one point...
Feeling like it's pointless to have them...
Having internal wars of many things...
Yet at the same time find it harder to connect with my family than friends...
And is it sad that I just want to sit around and watch anime slash read manga all day...
Or be on the internet and not deal with people...
I become more antisocial and awkward and reclusive as time goes on...
Not wanting to deal with people at all...
Feeling depressed and pissed every first period and every evening and night...
And homework shit...
And waking up and thinking damn I have to deal with people...
I just feel like I can't connect with anyone anymore, not really...
Not even myself...
And I keep things to myself because I seriously suck with emotions...
And being really moody and pissy and sometimes being mean to even my, um...
Friends...
Pushing people away...
Screw everything.

omigosh leeenaaa *hugs* *cries* *hugs*
lena, you're amazing. you're a fabulous writer and an epical friend. you're one of the coolest people i've interacted with on KP. you have fantastic sense of humor and fantastic sense of crazy.
keep being that :)
*hugs*
feel free to email me, my friend.
*fistbump*

Oh and feeling like I'm amplifying my problems and begging for attention and being a bitch and shit

Also feeling like no one cares and sometimes like I'm invisible

I feel like I'm invisible when I want to be seen and seen when I want to be invisible

oh chica i understand completely life is a bitch and we all just want to slap it across the face sometimes (*gives cookie and fluffy anime teddy*) but it does get better eventually. and we start to realize that life isn't so much of a bitch, but that it's just as moody as we are and has anger issues that it takes out on everyone because life is only human. (*pats shoulder*) i feel you, though.
(*hugs*) (*fistbump*) thank you that is really nice of you to say and i appreciate it quite a bit. you're pretty fantastical yourself, sir sexy hair.

No, Ena..oh my gosh, I get it, though. You just described a lot of my suck-feelings. I mean we all have slightly different problems, but sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one with all these shit problems that nobody seems to care about, but it affects me so intensely. And I just feel all beat down and stuff. But, like Lena said, it does get better. It really does. Because life is not separate from us, it is us. And it's what we make of it.
But dude, really, people care. I care. And we'll be alright. And you'll be alright. It's okay. You aren't being a bitch. Sometimes you need that. That's what this is: a venting thread.
We can talk over email if you want... :)

I just saw The Diary of Anne Frank and I feel like the entire Nazi party is stabbing me in the gut.
THEY OPENED WITH THE FUCKING KADDISH
THE KADDISH
AKA THE PRAYER YOU SAY FOR DEAD PEOPLE
UGGGGGHHHHHHH MY HEART

Might as well email, sure. :-J Just use my contact tab, I'm procrastinating sleep and my iPad has eighty percent battery so yeah.

That awkward moment when looking at my amazingly amazing dark guild / the one I obsess aka Oración Seis because yes actually makes you feel a little better

Anyone else get annoyed at times with their friends where they're complaining about something and your just glaring at the ground and wanting them to stop complaining or something along those lines?
It's been happening more and more lately e.o

My friend, to 'screw' everything would be...well, rather disgusting. Sorry, literalance.

I understand-ish. My anger issues, which used to involve hitting out, losing it constantly, have been largely absorbed by my anxiety. I've been anti-social for a long time. I can usually connect, but sometimes - sometimes I'd rather live in my own little world.

And I hate people. So yeah, I understand-ish.

Don't take emotional advice from me or anything because seriously, I'm appalling at empathy and basic skills like that, but I'll try and do this. For your sake.

There is nothing wrong with being misanthropic (hating humanity). Okay, maybe there is, but whatever. Friends are important. Talk to them about how you feel, if you can. If not, just keep them as friends. Don't worry about losing them. Just live. Living with death in sight at all times is not life, not really. Enjoy what you have, find reasons to be happy, and if you don't have any, create them.

Having to deal with people is a major downer on life, I agree, but it's just how life works. There are hundreds of hideous, despicable people, true, but there are also hordes of amazing, interesting people, who it will be easier to handle. Trust me on this one. You will find your allies and compatriots one day. You will. Honestly, I'd imagine that if this change has come along all of a sudden, it's that little thing called puberty, which messes with people's heads.


It's a shame we probably aren't in the same country and I'm not a huggy person because I would hunt you down and give you a consolation hug. You know what I mean?