ooo thanks for telling me!!

So I applied to be an RA and I didn't make it pass the first round. I think, but Idk if they send out an email with a decline as well, or if I somehow lost an email, so I might check, but I might not...
I think the biggest thing with this is just that I was totally fine if I didn't receive an offer to be an RA, but I always imagined at least getting to the individual interviews. Idk... but now I just feel nauseous which is super great seeing as though its the second week of classes and things are starting to kick up.

I'm sad

THe forums are a ghost town

THis thread stays alive?

I tried
I failed

I can't any longer

I don't have the strength

To bring you all back

Why do I still come

To the ghost town

that used to be my second home?




You know what''s ironic?

This thread is supposed to cheer people up
but being here in general
Makes me feel SO sad

I lost a part of myself
When the forums died









I am the ghost of the ghost town

you good fam? If reading through this thread upsets you, you don't have to read it.

this thread is here to let people get the things that are upsetting them off their chest and it's actually super helpful in that aspect because having an outlet like this is healthy and gives people the opportunity to express and examine their feelings and even receive advice and support from outside sources. I am not at all surprised that this thread is one of the most popular on the W/B

my parents really do love me and are good parents and I am grateful for them and really I should be more grateful to them bc they do care about me a lot and a lot of the time I feel like me feeling unsupported/unsafe really is all in my head and I need to get over it and that its all bullshit and then I come home and I realize that ive packed only very feminine clothes and feel uncomfortable wearing some of the clothes I like (and I do like skirts and makeup and being feminine! I just also like baggy shirts and big pants and boots) around them. and that ive packed all the makeup I own and am careful to remind myself that I have to wear it and that I can't cry it off at any point because I shouldn't let them see me without makeup and hair. and then im talking to my brother and he goes "yeah they don't like your hair bc they think it makes you look like a dyke" and! I just! and then I have to remind myself over and over that they aren't homophobic bc my dads sisters both have wives and they still like them and let us hang out with them all the time even if theyre more critical of their looks and their relationships than they are with other people. and that they have told me before that its ok if I like girls, but then are "glad that youre not a lesbian" and when im picking out clothes for my aunts wedding my mom tells me " well, at least its a lesbian wedding bc all those lesbians are either ugly or fat or dress weird, so at least you wont stand out" and i know i could come out to them and nothing explicitly bad would happen but..... i think it would probably strain our relationship. i shaved my head because i thought itd be fun and also? i am gay, i do like girls, and there is something kinda nice in that being a bit more visually recognizable, but i don't want to then come home and have my family criticize me for "looking like a dyke" as if that's a bad thing to look like and as if that's not what i am.
but like i feel terrible for ever complaining about my parents bc some people have it much worse (and they ARE good parents! i love them a lot!) and like i am physically safe and if i came out they would at least pretend to accept it and that's something and i should be happy for that.

god I forgot how uncomfortable I feel at home. I honestly cant remember the last time I heard either of my parents say something nice about the other. ive only been home for a day and they've been arguing with my brother and with each other the whole day. I hate how I can hear everything anyone ever says in this house even if they don't raise their voice. I don't want to be here for another three weeks I want to go back to school lol. but also I feel so guilty for just like leaving my brother here? bc I know he doesn't feel comfortable at home either and I just kinda fucked off to boarding school but he has to stay and deal with it.


also on thursday faculty finally confronted me about self harm (not well but I mean) and they wont tell my parents as long as I have regular meetings with our new school counselor (we finally got one so yay although its been five months) except? I hate therapy so much? i was trying to tell myself it'd be fine and chill and I like forgot how bad it is for me until friday when I had to go for the first time and spent the whole time shaking and wanting to hurl myself out of the window. I think she's a perfectly nice person but if I have to make time in my already v busy schedule to go talk to her about my problems my mental health will go down the drain so quickly.

also I started crying walking back to my room from it bc it freaked me out so much and my roommate tried to comfort me except then my chem teacher came in to talk to her about her self-harm and then just talked to both of us. hes really nice and i like him a lot and he understands this very well but i just felt so bad bc he made us both give him all our blades so he could throw them out and he just looked so sad about it. like i know hes so tired of taking her razors and giving students bandages and i don't want to be another kid he has to keep an eye on bc hes also mentally ill and traumatized from this fall and struggled with this himself when he was a student here. i hate that im like burdening my friends and my faculty with this fucking bullshit thing.

iroroehrhrgrghhrhh im tired

That moment when someone makes you laugh all of a sudden and then you nearly start crying because there’s the sickly, lonely feeling in your chest when you realize you can’t remember how many moths ago it was that you last genuinely laughed like that. Was it three? Five? Twelve? When did life start to lose its colors? When did the joy of being with friends become nothing more than a stressful facade? When did solitude become your natural state?
Most nagging of all, how many more months will it be before you laugh like that again?

Hehhhh sorry I know most of you guys are going through like, actual stuff. I just felt like I needed to put this somewhere so it wasn’t just in me all night.

hi your problems and issues are always worthy of attention if they are hurting you. don’t ever apologize for using the thread how it should be used.
i’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down lately. i really hope you’ll do better in the future, because you do deserve to be happy and to laugh

also it was owens birthday today- he would’ve turned 17. idk i just miss him a lot and i still can’t really believe he’s dead even though it’s been almost seven months. i wish i had had more time with him- i’m so sorry i didn’t get to know him as well as i wanted. i thought i had more time but i didn’t and i regret a lot. he should be in the play with us, he should be at math team practice. i’m not doing frisbee this year because the reason i stuck with it last year was because he was so kind and patient to me every practice. i feel so terrible for his family and everyone who was closer to him than i was. i hate that he’s never going to get to do so much. i hate that he had plans for life that he’ll never get to see realized. i hate that he’s just fucking gone, that i’ll never get to say goodbye. he didn’t deserve to die. i hate that he died scared and sad and slowly. i really hate that he regretted it- if someone had found him earlier or if we didn’t live in the middle of nowhere he would’ve lived and probably never tried again. sometimes (especially now that it’s warmer and reminds me of the fall) i catch myself hoping that he’ll wake up soon and be able to go home and be okay and i have to remember that he’s dead and will never go home. i just miss owen.

just watched a friend have a total mental breakdown in the hall and now i’m just stuck freaking out in the chem lab bc we have class! love this year! very annoyed that they put the boys back in the barn because it is terrible

okay so my friend is stressed to the breaking point because of a couple classes and she just beats herself up over it repeatedly over and over again and ik she's going to pass but in order to do so she has to put her heart into it. it's computer science so we get to do whatever quests we'd like as long as we get stuff done but the teacher is starting to be more specific and the school years almost over and i hate to see her like this and it's even worse bc she's a virgo and although none of you know astrology like i do this means that she amplifies her stress and pressures herself like no tomorrow and when i ell her i have no homeworkshe just feels worse bc i get all my homework done immediately bc my p a r e n t s make me before i can do anything else

A list of some stuff that you all can ignore but it just makes me feel better to type it down

1. I have a math test in like ten minutes. And I’m scared I’m going to get a bad grade cuz math is very stressful right now

2. My state is doing our very annoying standardized test thingy. It honestly wouldn’t even be bad but my parents expect me to get a near perfect score and that just ends up making me more nervous and then I just ughhhhhhhh

3. I don’t have any story ideas and I want to write something decent but haha nopeeeeeeee

4. I wish I never tried out for soccer at school cuz even though I made the team I’m not on of the best and there’s this girl named Eva who literally hates me bc, I don’t even know, and she’s always trying to make it seem like I’m really really bad

5. Soccer at club isn’t the best either cuz my dad is like a really really good soccer player and everybody expects me to be like him and he’s always giving me advice and when I use his advice my coach gets mad because they have different ideas on how soccer should be played and ughhhhhhhh again

6. I’m writing this in science class and yah enough said :)

7. There’s a lot more but my test in now in literally 3 minutes (it’s 11:37 and math starts at 11:40 oh wait now 2 minutes hee hee byeeee)

okay so it's getting worse and i'm really concerned for her bc a sixth grader shouldn't be feeling like this and we all are just rlly concerened for her mental health and e have a vacation next week but that's soooo faaaar. school is just destroying her mentally right now but only her? like? none of my friends are feeling as much pressure and i feel virtually none for a change bc i feel like most of schoolwork is getting easier and i stiLL have that math homework pass but i think she already used hers. which is a shame because she hates math. and also i'm sorry that i'm going on about this i'm just really worried she's going to hurt herself or something over break instead of relaxing like she's supposed too and her parents ugh she doesn't like her mom and her dad is ok i guess but her mom wants her to be perfect and so that + school + she's a freaking virgo = stress depressed bomb 1000 and it's making the rest of us anxious and depressed too and i love her to death but she needs to stop hating herself and her life and she called herself ugly today which is a whole new story and i really hope that doesn't escalate bc then she will almost definately hurt herself and this started only yesterday. like, how can you become so sad in just 2 days sarah come on

also alem hope you do great and i'm sorry this isn't even my problem i just feel so bad

Do you ever just break down crying because you think that no one likes you even though rationally you know you have friends but what if they’re just being nice to you bc they’re nice and not bc they actually enjoy your company...

And you can’t tell anyone bc you’re too embarrassed about it

And you feel closed off from everyone all the time

But in other news I think I might (finally) come out as bi so there’s that

actually I used to feel like that all the time
it might be an aquarius thing what's your sign

im a virgo actually

i think i have social anxiety which is why i freak out about that kind of thing a lot but i do kind of have a virgo-ish desire to be perfect and my stupid tendency to put pressure on myself doesn't help (that and being a "neat freak"--which i am not--is rly all i even know about my sign)

fuck so apparently my mom got drunk and attacked my dad and brother which tbh i could kinda see coming and they’re ok but my parents are probably going to get divorced? this is all coming from my brother like right now and i’ll call him in a bit but idk
we argue a lot but i really do love him and hope he’s good and i’ve always felt really guilty for leaving him at home and fucking off to boarding school bc often i did have to defend him (not physically though then) from my mother and now i just feel so horrible abt leaving him at home

i’ve always kinda thought and also hoped my parents would get divorced but???im just worried about him. and also i have to go home on friday for easter and i guess it’d be good to have me there for ian but jesus christ

yep okay 100000% virgo right there

if you find yourself pressuring yourself to not be stupid and beating yourself up constantly then you can 1) blame it on being a virgo 2) surround yourself with people that care about you and try to distract yourself

Thanks
I’m still working on that second one (and by that I mean actually talking to my friends)

seniors are making the yearbook rn and had to decide on a dedication and like.... so the obvious choice is owen because who else. but a small but very influential group of them fucking hated him and made his life here terrible and i guess they can’t reflect on the fact that they contributed to a boys death because they decided absolutely no way were they going to dedicate the yearbook to him.
they wanted to dedicate it to the fucking chickens, who also died this year. and yeah, that sucks, ok, any other year it’d be funny and whatever. “the chickens died too this year!!” yeah so did a sixteen year old boy who lived with you for three years shut the fuck up

god what is it with this year and people dying on thursdays

Alright folks, I need some advice on a very sensitive matter. Quick possible trigger warning for a few of you- this involves a friend who is at risk for possibly committing suicide.
A close friend of mine has been dealing with depression for quite some time, and is struggling with their gender identity on top of that. They’ve stopped seeing a counselor but do have meds they try to remember to take. Since we go to different schools it’s usually difficult to read how they’re doing at any given time over text. But today we shared a conversation that has me reasonably worried.
In their texts they admitted to me they’ve been feeling increasingly like they don’t belong in their body and have been feeling more and more suicidal, but don’t yet plan on acting on it. With a bit of prompting from me, they also admitted they have a few possible suicide plans and may potentially have the means to carry them out.
Normally I’d have no qualms about reporting this to their mother or some kind of school resource, but I’m worried losing their trust now might prove harmful to their future wellbeing.
Their mother is very progressive and already knows about and supports their gender identity. She also knows they’re depressed and set up counseling for them awhile back.
The problem is that if i tell their mother and she confronts them about it (which I’m pretty sure she will) it could serve to make things tenser at home and not actually do any good. When they first told their mother they were depressed they ended up feeling super guilty about it because their mom started crying and blaming it on fruits and vegetables and etc, so I’m worried their mother might make things worse. They also won’t do any therapy anymore because it makes them uncomfortable, and I believe frequently forget to take their meds.
If i tell their mother now, what if it doesn’t help anything? What if I just lose their trust without actually helping them at all and when the time comes that they’re really considering it in the moment, they won’t trust me enough to call me or someone else?
I feel like I should share the messages with their mother, but they aren’t very social and I’m scared that if the time comes and they don’t trust me enough to come to me for help, they Just won’t go to anybody at all.
Typing this out, I’m feeling more confident that I still need to show the messages to their mother, but I’d still appreciate any comments or advice you may have.

Wow, that's tough. I think you should probably tell their mother, because even if means that your friend would be mad at you, at least they would be alive. Hopefully they will realize that you only told their mom out of desire for their well-being.

I know not every situation is the same, but a while ago I had a friend who told me and my other friend that she was planning on committing suicide the next day and I called someone who could get in contact with her parents immediately. I do not regret it. It turned out that she probably wasn't going to go through with it but nevertheless I think it's better safe than sorry.

I've had a friend like this recently who isn't suicidal, but is pretty sure she has bipolar one. I was struggling with the same problem, and if she hadn't opened up to her family yesterday, I would have told them anonymously.

I'd recommend the same. Of course, you might want to find out if this friend has told anyone else first, because if you do it anonymously and nobody else knows, then they'd probably be even more angry.

Of course, this friend might be on edge for a while, but if you think this is for the best, then go for it. If you think this might make things worse, don't. Have a long, long talk with them, either way. Don't at all hint at telling their mom.

If they start to suspect other friends, please steer them away so there's no blame on innocent people.

Okay I'm gonna open up about something and this will be really hard to talk about but here goes

On Kidpub every time I look back on my past self I just see a clingy kid everyone tries to talk to. It's nothing any of you ever do, it's just me feeling this way. I've got ADHD and I have slight personality changes constantly, so I will always regret pretty much anything I do. y'all are so nice to me even when I embarrass myself and I couldn't hope for nicer people to be on this website. But I feel like I'm too clingy to this website and that I'm online too much and I ruined this experience for everyone somehow. I keep trying to change so I'll seem less like a clingy little kid and more like- well- you guys. You never make me feel like this, I swear, this is all me. It's just I feel so self concious seeing my younger self

No, this isn't ever going to make me quit kidpub. You can't get rid of me that easy. You have been some of the most amazing people I've ever talked to and if you want to reach out my email is werty130778@gmail.com, i doubt anyone cares but if you want to give me your pn or snapchat or something go ahead, not sure why you'd want to talk to a cringy shit like me~

love you all to death. :)

This is such a minor thing but it has me so freaking upset at myself. I’m taking an online writing course that’s centered in New York that has weekly lessons and assignments and I was so determined to not turn anything in late but it’s only the first week and I already did. I forgot New York is several hours ahead of where I live and so even though it’s on time in my time zone, it’s counted as late on the actual course.
And it’s so small, since all that will really happen is that it’ll take up to 30 days to be graded instead of up to 7, but I feel really frustrated and like the teacher is going to think I’m slacking and lazy and not taking the course seriously. and like I don’t know I just want to cry for some reason and I feel like a failure and like my parents and grandmother spent all this money to give me this opportunity and I’m just (language cover your eyes if you’re smol) fucking it up.
Maybe I just need to get some sleep.

Oof, sleep is important, class is important, not messing up is important, but you're the most important of all the things on that list because without you they don't happen??

Idk I never know what to say on this blessed thread but I always wanna cheerlead so here ya go

You can never mess up so badly that you can't make a comeback

I have these two friends, and we've been tight for a couple years, but they don't seem to get one thing:

I'm too polite of a person to get mad at people. I'm used to people yelling at me and I always feel like if I get mad it'll somehow get turned around to be my fault. So I can be angry, but (especially in person, especially with close friends) I always forgive people or don't really bring it up at all. This becomes a problem because two friends in particular (not going to name names here) get mad at me quite often for actually quite stupid reasons. The obvious answer would be to ditch them, right? But it's not that simple. Not only would ditching them make it awkward between me and most of my other friends who know these two, but also that i can't afford to lose them. I've been developing a lot of self hate lately and while sometimes they're at the cause of it I'm not mentally stable enough to let go of anyone right now. I'm constantly yelled at by people I love and the only people ever on my side I never feel like I can tell them anything because they're not as close. And I can't confront my friends because once again, I don't want the blame to be eventually pinned on myself.

I don't really need advice, but if you have any, I'm all ears. Just here to vent.

Edit: this is the first time it's actually been written out into records. And it feels good, not just letting self-hate boil up inside of myself. It feels good knowing that although every instinct is telling me not to blame them for this, and that it's somehow my fault, it's the truth and I need to accept it. These two are some of my closest friends but they don't understand what they do.

friendships are tough man, I hear you on this. sending love <3

so there were a few kids who transferred out of my school to bard college at simons rock in an attempt to create some distance between them and the trauma caused by owen's suicide, and then yesterday, the one-year-anniversary of his suicide, someone got stabbed on their campus. so I think September 27th just will not let any of us get off easy. hope everyone's ok over there.

turns out the victim is ok but unfortunately it was a racially-motivated hate crime so uh. sep. 27th is cursed

i'll just have to pray extra hard for college students on all September 27ths to come. and be ready for anything.

i'm so sorry though, swallow. believe me.

thanks snow :)

me: ha ha ha I am fine yes I still miss owen but im definitely not grieving or (dare I say it) traumatized anymore bc the definition of trauma is only reserved for Other People and I am A-Okay

also me: *sees an ambulance on campus and immediately starts shaking and panicking*
dw everyone is ok!!! a kid just hurt his ankle during soccer practice and for some reason two ambulances were called and a bunch of faculty went running up and I saw it out my window and it reminded me so intensely of last year I started losing it for a moment but we are all good

it's ok to still feel traumatised, I can't even begin to imagine what you go through everyday. The weight of my words may not be enough to ease the pain in your heart for your friend, but I hope it eases soon. I really do.

thanks man. it has gotten a lot easier which is also something ive struggled w/ in a fucked up way (does the fact that things are getting easier mean im moving on? does it mean im forgetting or being a bad friend?) but really its nice to be able to think of him in a way that isn't heart-crushing, you know? like I can laugh at stories and memories and think back fondly on things and its all bittersweet but its not miserable which is nice. I feel like grief kind of robbed me of my true memories of his life and its nice to get those back slowly.