Nice Lauren! How much would that be in Kilometers?

It's apparent. It really really is. My Asperger's. Well isn't that lovely. It's just that I realise how bad I am with people now. And my idosyncasies are developing - I'm sure they're breeding. My little sister is getting to grips with sarcasm and already I'm missing it. I pity my teachers. What are they in for? I'm rude by accident. Worst of all, I cry when I get told off. But I'm not sad. I'm just annoyed, and I don't know why I am crying. I just cannot stop myself, which infuriates me because it is impossible to maintain a dangerous image when your first reaction is to burst into tears. So I am as bad as it sounds. Worse, in fact, because I have violent tendancies. How does one toe the line when one knows not where the line is drawn?

It's okay. http://www.wrongplanet.net/article429.html

Don't read this. Don't read this. Don't read this. Don't read this. Don't read this.
 

4.8 kilometres...

I most obviously, am rude too. And I lso hate the fact that I cry easily infront of my parents.
Yes, we're ants compared to the entire world. Less.
But LOTS of people will remember you. Your friends, your parents, and of course, us.
We aren't writing for the world! We aren't writing to be remebered. We are writing for the sake of writing.

I cry, too. My tears are of frustration and annoyance. I cry so, so easily when I'm frustrated, and it annoys me to hell. But there's nothing we can do about this... /sigh

I know how you feel and I know that sounds stupid and impossible but hold on and listen to my shpeel. Everything will disappear one day, but don't think for one minute that you didn't matter, what you accomplished didn't matter, because every step of the way shifts the earth a tiny bit, every story brings a little more knowledge to the world, and every time you feel happy, the happiness spreads. And I'm not giving you and of that overly happy crap, and I won't pretend that I haven't thought of this before, how we'll all die out eventually, and it won't matter anymore because we were just people, just people who happened to exist back then- but see what I mean is that each time I think of that I remind myself, I DO matter, everybody matters, love matters, knowledge matters, everything matters, and you just can't give up on what matters, because ignorance isn't the right path to take. I'm not asking you to put a spring in your step, I'm not asking you to feel happy again, but think about what matters, think about what it means to love, think about what it means when you give a thought to someone and it spreads think about writing, and how much it matters now, think about today. Live for TODAY Heather. Reminiscing is all fine and good, but only THINK of that, LIVE now, experience now, and you'll see that everything matters, even when we are tiny insignificant specks and we'll all die someday in 4.5 billion years, the human kind, will be probably be obliterated in 4.5 billion years, who knows if we'll live that long, but the present is what matters, and the matters matter.


Yes,no, don't think that, because what you do NOW is what counts, not what you did yesterday. Don't think about shriveling in the heat of tomorrow, bathe in the warm glow of today. The sky isn't the limit anymore, life is the limit, life is any limit, except it isn't, because look at everything that happened, and maybe we will be gone but you need to realize that even when we're gone it won't matter because we made our change to the world while we were there.

That's right. Mistakes don't matter. So many of my role models--no, I don't just mean ridiculous celebrities--have made terrible mistakes in their life, but they are amazing people. The people you love most probably have made awful decisions and mistakes, but you still love them, correct? And they'll still love you. You'll die, and they'll die, but while you were here on Earth, you and your loved ones brightened each others' lives and made each other care to keep on living.

Finally, someone who gets it.
Personally, I think everyone's misinterpreting this but ME. I'm not depressed. I don't need cheering up. This is what is f---ing cheering me up. I'm not reminiscing, I'm not even remotely sad when I think about this. I think about these things with certainty that all will be well in the end (Harry Potter or not), because nothing that I know will be in the end. So I think ME gets it. But I'm not sure about the rest of y'all.

I'm not trying to say you were depressed, though my post may have implied it. But eliminate all that happy and feelings crap from my first post, and really look at it. Really read it. Try to understand.

You shouldn't feel that way, but if you do I won't try to tell you any crap. Okay. I'm going to break that promise... now. You are not insignificant, nor a blob, and never ever ever think that ending your life would help, because it won't and in the end all that would happen is huge waves of hurt, drowning family, friends, and bubble rising to surface of the calmed wave, popping, and leaving messages. Don't hate yourself. You are an amazing person, if you were supposed to end your life you wouldn't have been stopped. I don't believe in pre-destination, but I do think that ending your life early is too uncertain. You have no idea what could happen, what the ending is, but Meerkat, there is NO way that this is your ending. Write yourself an ending, and if you can't finish it, dream up a sequel from the cliffhanger. This is YOU.

Meerkat, I've wanted to do that so many times and couldn't because I'm a stupid effing coward. And this is truly the one time I will support cowardice. Try to make something good come out of this feeling, okay? Once you're over it, I mean. Because you will get over it, you'll realize that you're strong, and beautiful, and amazing, and god I wish I hadn't posted anything about insignificantness (that's not a word, whatever) on this because now people who are depressed are gonna look back and read that and be all "Well now it doesn't matter, I'll just go ahead and kill myself, screw this, screw everything" but that's not what I meant by that. But whatever. The point is, you've got to learn to accept yourself. That's basically what I had to do to get over my depression. I was thisclose to being gone, and I literally threw myself back over the lip of suicide, and it was pretty much just in time. I couldn't've mustered the courage (I'm a coward, I know, I've accepted that part of myself, too) to do anything worse than bruise myself over and over, and only in places where no one could see. It's a sickening feeling, depression, but you've got to believe me that it will get better and you will learn to live with yourself. I think sometimes we don't think anyone could ever love us because we know ourselves, every inch and fault and line of our lives, and we don't think anyone could ever love us because we know our every imperfection. But we've got to embrace our imperfections along with everything, because mistakes and idiocy are parts of us and it's only human and it's all right. Don't let it get you down, Meerkat. You're as imperfect as the rest of us, but that's okay because we're here to be imperfect with you. :)

Your post definitely implied it, sorry. And I do understand.

Okay. Okay.

'Sall right.

So I heard you wanted to vent...

Been there, done that. I mean, not quite - it had nothing to do with shingles - but close enough.

What exactly don't you care about? What do you have to live for, or if there is nothing, then what did you used to have that you now lost?

Are you thinking about death? Then realize this: it comes but once, and that, at least scientifically, you only live once. Why would you waste your time on earth, your life which could end at any moment, hurting yourself?

That sad moment when you've had one of the better days in a while, and then you come to the EV thread to try and help someone else feel better, but you end up feeling worse about what you think are your problems. Anyways... Does anyone else wonder how their life would be without KP? I think by going on KP every day, I've made something to look forward to, something to be excited about. And I've also matured in the past, what is is, 5 months that I've been a member. This is like the only site I'm on, and I've noticed almost everything is attached to KP, my writing, my computer habits, sometimes even my dreams. It's almost hard to remember being without KP, and I'm still one of the newer people!

I had arguably the worst day of my life. And all I want to say about it is:
I'LL SHOW YOU, MR. KRUS. I'LL BE THE BEST F***ING GODDAMN 3RD CHAIR IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.

Umm...I'm guessing that you got put as third chair in band or something? Last year I was put as the 2nd, 1st violin, scoring one tenth of a point, ONE TENTH OF A POINT, behind the concert master who wasn't even a good player, but the teacher favored him over me :P But it's ok, you'll do good where you are and maybe he'll even move you up :D

This, I believe, is what went through the mind of the person who created the concept of the afterlife.
I know how that feels... so I'm living my life like nothing matters anyways, so who the heck cares? 8D And when THAT gets to me, I just imagine myself high-fiving Jesus or Satan or whoever or ascending to the sixth dimension or meeting all the people I was in my past lives or whatever the heck happens. 8D It actually really gets my spirits up. But on a more physical level, I'm living for the day I meet the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It's gonna be so freaking awesome.

... I know this sounds totally insane, but the sad thing is, it's normal.
This is actually good, though, because you can get reassurance that you're never alone.
For most of my life I wanted to end my life, but I believed I was too worthless for even death, so... ._.
My parents have dangled lots of psychologist bluffs in front of my eyes, too. Don't let them convince you that getting help is a bad thing--this may even be something that you just need to wait out. Don't get too worked up about anything bad, don't think about how much you hate yourself... just relax by a fire and tell yourself nice things, even if it's painful, and just calm down. Do you have any favorite bands you like to listen to when you feel really, really low? I can name a song that's saved my life--and it isn't even in a language I can understand. ._.

That was pretty much me, last year. I started having intrusive violent thoughts, totally unwanted, unexpected, they would just fly into my head and pop out at random times and I would start to laugh and cry at the same time because it was so hilarious... either it was hilarious, or it was just strange. I would get these crazy thoughts, and these horrible gory images would burst into my head, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
I had to sit this out for a couple of months... ._. But it did pass. My brain was trying to self-destruct too, and even now, when I feel someone's eyes on me or if someone touches me, the skin all over my body just crawls and shivers, I just kind of try to ignore it.
Best of luck. <:^/

You got it!
Here's what I wrote explaining on another thread:
I worked my ass off for a seating audition (and I mean I worked my ASS off. Easily 4 hours of just working on that little 16 measure section), played my absolute best, got moved back where my friend who started playing 2 years after I did was moved into my spot, had to sit through the entire orchestra class without bursting into tears, then had to go through the rest of the day, including soccer practice. I swear to God, I've never wanted anything as much as I wanted that 2nd chair. This just proves that you can't get anything you set your mind to.
And I'm on my period.

Yeah. Bad day.

Oh, and I've been in the orchestra for 3 years and stuck in 4th chair, but this year I'd be in 2nd chair by default (the 2nd and 3rd chair graduated), and I can't stress enough how much I worked and how much I wanted it. I have never wanted anything, ANYTHING in my life as much as I wanted that chair. Also, I deserve it. 3 years of working to get that chair. 3. Years. And I'm better than the girl who got it.

Don't say that, tomorrow's my last day. So we'll see, right? :P

Ah, I see.
But nearly, if not everything, has an end. You don't want to end it that quick, do you? It matters. Through the entire process to the end. Life is the process.
/ohmygodamIdepressingyou?Sorry!

I imagine I'd sort of drift through my days. This thread is one of the more depressing parts of KP, and just because some people's problems seem worse than yours, it doesn't mean that yours don't matter, or that you should feel bad.

D8888
Again, I'll miss you...

“I used to get a big kick out of saving people’s lives. Now I wonder what the hell’s the point, since they all have to die anyway.”

“Oh, there’s a point, all right,” Dunbar assured him.

“Is there? What’s the point?”

“The point is to keep them from dying as long as you can.”

“Yeah, but what’s the point, since they all have to die anyway?”

“The trick is not to think about that.”

“Never mind the trick. What the hell’s the point?”

Dunbar pondered in silence for a few moments. “Who the hell knows.”

~Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"


I thought it seemed fitting for the mood.

Oh, god. I know, Soph. I know. Death is hilarious... remember The Tale of Desperaux? /sigh When I was in fifth grade, and we were supposed to write personal memories or whatever shit in our journals every single day, one day I ran out of things to write. And I thought about this thing that I did sometimes, where I would just stop thinking and let my tongue lie still in my mouth and after I would think this is what death feels like, I'm nonexistent, I'm not here, my mind is blank I'm not thinking and I don't care and I wrote about that because, why the eff not? Then my dad found it and read it and he said that I shouldn't've written it, that S____ was going to think I needed help or whatever when he was telling me, but maybe he was really just telling himself, that I was a perfectly normal little girl but I knew that wasn't true. And I cried a lot and I told him no, I wouldn't erase it, but he made me and I erased it and I wrote about colors instead, what colorless means because isn't gray a color but people think colorless worlds are gray, and it was stupid and I got a bad grade because it wasn't personal. So. The thing is, after that I never ever ever wrote like that again but I still think about not thinking and how that's more close to dying than anything ever and couldn't my dad just understand that, in my own twisted way, I was trying to be closer to death only so I wouldn't be scared when my own time came? And sometimes I'll catch myself just not thinking and I'll get scared because I know nothing matters but I still want something to matter and f--- eighth grade, anyways, it's nothing at all. I bruise myself, too, on my thighs and then my mom wonders why I want swim shorts when I have a perfectly good bathing suit and of course I can't tell her. The bruising's stopped for now but I still want to feel it, you know? Because I feel like I live through my emotions, I'm an emotional person, you know that, and I want to feel pain deep and hurting and it's weird because people don't like pain but I just want to feel it, feel something, and it's horrible. So what I'm trying to say is, I've been there, or at least somewhere close. If you ever need more venting, I'm hereherehere and there's email and everything and don't worry.
Exactly.
No, you're not. I'm not depressed, I guess. I'm just me.

Nothing happens for a reason. This moron simply enjoys trashing people, and you seem to be their toy right now. Stand up for yourself, because ignoring them won't work.

I definitely, DEFINITELY know that feel bro, ESPECIALLY right now.

._.

Ignore Me
 

. . . I feel alone. =_= Past couple days, I can barely do any schoolwork. Nothing they're teaching me seems worth it. All I want is for things to go back to how they were before June. June...gosh, I hate that month now. And November is coming up. 90% of the bad things that have happened to me all happened in November. WHY did I pick that month to try to get published? x_x

*curls up in a corner*

Lately, I've been overwhelmed with school work. The main problem is my adv. English 9 class. I believe my teacher gave me an unfair grade on my essay (which I spent two hours writing and revising), so I spoke to him about it. He didn't do anything about anything, just kept bringing up that he was "the one with the master's degree". O_o
I don't care; unless he slaps a PhD on the table, I'm not going to respect him anymore than I already do (which is little to nothing).

Ever think I just so happened to write it because I was trying to keep you from leaving?

SO MUCH GERMANY, CANNOT EVEN... *lower case*
 

... I can't freaking believe this band. They have a solution for every single one of my problems; I get emo, blast my head with their music, and I feel like someone understands--not even Breaking Benjamin or Evanescence (I can't understand their lyrics ._.) or even Three Days Grace has made me feel like this. Those bands--although I am fans of them as well--just seem to complain, tell me to give in, or to stand up against my problems... this one simply listens in acknowledgement, understanding completely, and that's all I ever need. I don't want unhealthy reinforcement... I just need to know that I'm not a girl with the temper of a 230-pound teenage boy, that how I feel and my problems aren't so psychotic or wild--that someone else out there knows exactly what the hell I'm going on about--and it lets me just... let them go.
I wish I had discovered this band earlier. I wish I had walked in on my dad playing the music video for their most popular song and singing along, off-tune and inaccurately translating it, way before I did. I've only been listening to their songs for about a month and a half and already, I'm pretty sure that they've saved my life. When I'm unbelievably pissed off at someone, playing just one song, ONCE, can get me feeling better about myself and calm me down; when I'm pissed off at the world, I play one song and feel like I'm not crazy anymore; if I just want to laugh, I play a song that cracks me up and... yeah.
So no... I won't turn it down.
No, I won't stop filling my iPod with their music.
I don't care if kids on the bus can hear my music through my headphones--they should, because I'm got a bunch of metal/hard rock pride and I don't even care.
I don't care if my music is "scary" or "weird"... it is, and it should be, and I love it like that.

Du hast, Kuss mich, Mutter, Morgenstern, Ich tu dir weh, Adios, Zerstoren, Kokain, Hallelujah, Sonne, Klavier, Du reich so gut, Rammlied, Waidmanns heil, Mehr, Feuer frei, Zwitter, Rosenrot, Wo bist du, Mein herz brennt, Keine lust...

Some kids listen to Taylor Swift... some kids listen to One Direction...
But I listen to Rammstein and the other kids aren't going to make me embarrassed about it anymore.

... What the heck are they teaching you? o_O Everything I'm being taught... god, I love school now... I know it's worth it, because these are the marks that post-secondary schools are going to see. And that's going to decide the rest of my life.
My birthday is in June. XD
I had some weird stuff happen to me in November, too. o_O
I'm not sure I completely understand how you're feeling... All I'm picking up are school woes. O.o If you ever want to vent, I'm here, though.
STAY ONLINE! (*flails*) I have to go and bring the laundry in.