Oh God, it's snowing.

It's snowing it's snowing it's snowing. And I'm just curled up crying.

I hate myself. I just wish I could not exist.

I'm here.
And I always will be—
Don't listen to what people say about you—
They don't really know who you completely—
You are you.
You should not hate yourself.
You do exist and you are you.
You are here.
I am here.
We are both living here…
You have me by my side right here and you are going to accept that because your life is going to be freaking fantastic and you are going to have a job. You are going to have everything that you need and you will appreciate all of it, Esther. We all love you here on KidPub and we forever will. We always will. Now you should appreciate that you are actually here with us and that you have us and that you will be here with us even if you have logged off. Please. Just—just please remember that.

I think I hate myself the most.

Nuuu I meant I think I hate myself the most out of the people I dislike. Meaning no matter how much I hate/dislike others, I hate myself the most.

Two teenagers that are two/three years older then me just started insulting me for standing up for someone? And started calling me "ducky" like I was a little kid? What is wrong with this generation?

Don't hate awesomeness. :/
You're here so you can make it a better place and be f***ing awesome.
*not even close to an exaggeration*

We all wonder....
*le shrug*

I lost five pounds yesterday from vomiting.
Not on purpose, not bulimia or anything, just a virus.

/hugs
Your parents sound sucky.
please don't hurt yourself. whatever your parents do, it's not worth hurting an awesome person over.

Do you ever get to go back and visit any of your friends from other places? Always being the new kid must be awful. You can make the most of your situation, though. Just because you're not going to be able to stay doesn't mean that you can't allow yourself to make friends. Even a short friendship would be better for you than being too afraid of leaving friends behind to make them. You seem pretty awesome, I'm sure you could make friends if you let yourself
A vaguely relevant quote:
"Because what's the point in them being happy now if they're going to be sad later. The answer is, of course, because they are going to be sad later." -Doctor Who, Coming Home.

D:
I hope you get better soon, Pokey.

oh crap

they've gotten so much worse this last week. It's gotten to the point I'm not sure whether some things are real or not. And the voices haven't gotten better, either.

meditating isn't working either.

stupid stupid stupid family history

Esther, I think you need to talk to someone who can help you professionally. There's very little that we can do to get you better.

The family doctor is my friend's mother. which might not work so well. :/


I could talk to my advisor, I suppose, but I would really not feel comfortable. Somebody's probably going to tell my parents. Who are going to get me an excorsism, not a therapist. :P

But didn't you say that your family has a history of similar conditions?
Seriously?

It's completely on my mom's side. My father is the one I'm really afraid of finding out, but my mom's really reliant on him. I honestly don't trust her.

Music. e_e
 

There isn't much that irritates me more than when I'm feeling horribly depressed and I have a stupid, cheerful song stuck in my head that just keeps playing over and over no matter what other song I listen to. ._.

Are there any aunts or uncles or older cousins from your mum's side that you can trust?

Totally posted this on the wrong thread. XD AHAHAHAHHAHAA.

Depressed. Whoop.
 

Eh, so yeah. -_______-

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. I took a lot of those tests online and according to most of them, I have "Moderate-severe depression". And that does not sound good.

So let me esplain (as Ricky Ricardo would say):

So first, with my family. The big problem is my mom. I just... ugh. It's really hard for me to talk about it. She literally gets mad at me everyday, and sometimes for the smallest things. I feel like she's just waiting to find the smallest thing to get angry at and then KABLOOEY. And it's just so obvious that she loves my sister more than me. She even told me once. There's just been so many hurtful things that she's told me in her anger that, even though she might not have meant all of them, still hurt me. She's said that she's given up on me, that she wouldn't even like me if I wasn't her daughter, and that I'm a stupid/worthless/dumb pig. She's even hit me a couple times and pinched me and all this. She always compares me to my friends and my sister, so much that after a while I wish that I could be someone else's kid. I literally spend most of my nights crying myself to sleep. And the worst part is that I believe her. I literally think that I'm the worst daughter/sister that anyone's ever gotten and that I don't deserve them.

Next thing is... uh... well, it's kind of awkward. You see, ever since I was a little kid, I've dreamed about the day that I would fall in love and find a boy who likes me for who I am. And that belief's never gone away. I'm not really sure why I'm so obsessed with falling in love and stuff but maybe it's because I don't get enough love from my family? I'm not sure. But, I've just gone through a lot of heartbreak and stuff lately... so... yeah. And one of my friends is going out with this uber sweet guy and just seeing her gushing on and on about him makes me feel depressed and lonely.

Last thing is that I don't have anyone to tell this to. My family, oh gosh, would probably send me off to some therapist or something and I. Do. Not. Want. That. Last thing I want is to be known as That Depressed Kid. My friends all know me as that uber derpy/hyper/cheerful/fun kid so if I even don't talk for a little, they're all like "ERMERGERSH STEPHANIE WHAT'S WRONG?????". I do have this one friend who's super super sweet and is like the best venter ever, but I've gotten this habit where I don't want to tell anyone about my problems because I don't want to be a burden.

...
...
...
...

Can you please, please, PLEASE HELP?????? I just feel so lonely and depressed and nothing makes me happy anymore. Thanks.

You have auditory hallucinations?

I'm moderately proud of myself. I got a 31 composite on the ACT ^.^
(or at least I was like vaguely proud until I was around my family then it just faded to numbness)

>_< I'm so stressed. I can't find my calculator and I have a math test tomorrow. What do I do?????? :confused: We're using pi and I need. it. :(

(I'm going to pretend to understand that) Yay! Congratulations!
pridefulness is good. don't let them get you down.

They live in Alaska. :/

Use 22/7 if worst comes to worst. Ask another student not in your class if you can borrow theirs. Or ask the math teacher is she/he has a stash of them in a drawer somewhere. Many teachers do.

Never be afraid to speak your emotions to your friends. That is what they are for. They will completely understand.
Second, if you are being hit, you should probably find an authority. Once is one thing, but several times is unthinkable. Even a teacher could help.
Third, about that boyfriend, falling in love thing. Everyone has that dream.... EVERYONE. (I mean, guys think about girls, but you know what I mean.) Just don't sweat it, love will find you sooner or later, and never in the way you anticipate it. So if you don't automatically befall for someone, don't worry, you will find him sometime.
Never feel alone, you have friends and peers that adore and care for you, so just embrace it. Remember.... KP is always there, and we will always be listening.

Hope that helped,
Have a blessed day...
-Alex

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3...c766o1_500.gif


Yeeeeeah. Sure.

Hey, back off. Just trying to help:mad:

But she's right.
AA's just being realistic. You mean ideal friends, not the friends in reality. My real life friends don't understand my self-harm. None of them I can trust. I can't talk to them about anything.

Steph: Well, we're here if you need to vent. My contact tab is always open. And I understand getting hit/beat. It sucks D: I've been dealing with it since I was little. It's not always just as easy as telling an authority, but if it gets really bad, then maybe you should.

Shall try. :) Thank you. But I have a feeling I left it in my locker at school... If so, I shall be very happy tomorrow morning. xD

If you have friends like that, I congratulate you. Most people don't, however. It's only true.

I got the amazing idea to write dance quotes on little index cards and make them all pretty and stash them all over the house in obvious places I know my parents will find them. ^___^ I want to be on the dance team soooo bad and I've worked soooo hard for it.

This is my Mom and my conversation before church:

Me: Soooo...did you guys get my letter?
Mom: Yes, and it was quite convincing. I'm just scared you're not gonna be comfortable doing some of the moves because a couple of them are a bit provocative (she's talking about the ones where we move our butts XD). So get some of your friends to go through the dances and make sure you're gonna be okay with it. It's not a "no", I just don't know if I want you out there doing that.
Me: Okay. Thanks, Mom.


There aren't really any provocative moves, though. I don't know how to show her that part. Soccer conditioning started today...and it's only a matter of time until Mom finds out. Last year she made me go and she promised I wouldn't have to play soccer again after last year (because of the bullying), so I guess I'll see if she keeps her promise or not. :/

How the hell do you even find friends like those he mentioned that don't live in different states or countries? The only friends I have that I can trust are online friends.

I have no idea. Most of my friends regard me as an oddity that is slightly below them, and spend most of their pleasurable time with me making fun of my tastes in music or literature and/or manipulating me.

Let me feel like a jerk commence...

I guess you are right. I am sorry for snapping so quickly and over reacting.

My friends are like this:

Litzy: Has the same music tastes as me but she seems to act like I'm annoying and she says things like, "Just don't cut." or "Just don't be sad." so I don't trust her a lot.
E: is peppy and has never self harmed, doesn't really want to hear about me self harming.
Abby: ^^^
Izzy: we're not that close
other minor-ish friends: don't want to hear about my problems, think I'm really strange, and consider me lower.

The only friends that I can really trust are LST, DragonRider, and Cheezemziez. And then I trust LaurenM and Heather also, but those Isaackle, DR, and Cheeze are the ones I go to the most.