Shit shit shit shit shit im sorry for clogging up this mess sorry.

guys, i seriously think I have depression, but how do you tell someone that? especially when i've been acting fine around other people. My mom will probably just say "you don't have depression because depression is feeling sad all the time". but i've heard that there's a lot more to it than that. i thought i wasn't feeling that bad, but then i have really super casual thoughts of suicide, my sleeping pattern is all messed up, i'm short tempered again, my short term memory is worse than usual, i've had a lot of trouble concentrating, i get stressed out/teary way easier than usual, i find myself monitoring my emotions more (like, oh did i smile too much? sound excited about this! don't make your advice sound too forceful), and i either never eat all day or stuff myself every 10 minutes. and lately i've been feeling like my body is three feet in front me. like i'm sometimes this transparent cloud that floats behind myself. my spirit has somehow distanced itself from my body.

this is really scaring me because i'm sure there are other explanations for this stuff, but at the same time there's a perfectly good explanation for me having depression. so, i'm not trying to get attention, i'm just trying to get help. please help me get over this before I do something terrible to myself.

ugh. I have so much trouble with sleep. fuck.

aaaand, yep, still not sleeping. I'll probably try to sleep soon.

From what you describe, you most likely have depression. See, there are different TYPES of depression. Some are longer lasting than others, some are more intense. And some, you only need to be feeling numb/sad/distanced for a short part of the day or a few times a week to be considered actual depression. I usually don't recommend looking up medical/mental heath stuff on the Internet, because it can sometimes be misleading, but, I suggest you google "types of depression" and look up which set of symptoms fit you. If your mom doesn't believe you, you can try showing her a page or two that describes whatever type of depression you might have and ask her to recall moments that show you have it. And, of course, the definitive answer would be going to a doctor and having yourself diagnosed, but that might not be something you want to do, or may be too expensive.

And, of course, it's possible that you might not have depression; it could be something else. But, the absolute WORST thing you can do to yourself right now is minimize this and blame yourself for it. "I'm just being lazy," "I'm just having a bad day," etc. Because if you DO have depression, not understanding it and treating it can make it worse.

In the meantime, while you try to figure this all out, though, you can try doing some positive things to help manage your mood. I know some of this might sound cliche, but, coming from someone who actually has depression, I can say that they work for myself and a lot of other people: Try getting outside more, even if it's cold. Go on walks, if you can. Drink plenty of water (and I mean, go into the kitchen, sit down, and MAKE yourself drink a big glass every day), and DON'T deny yourself food. Even simple small things like washing your face, brushing your teeth, and opening up the window blinds can help you feel better emotionally and physically.

(*hugs*) And, remember, even though you might be feeling bad, now, doesn't mean things won't get better ever again. <:^) Things CAN and WILL improve for you. You just need to give it time, whether you have depression or not.

(*punches a wall*)

if you want to piss me off even more than i am all ready, tell me that my anger is illegitimate
i dare you

I want to tell my brother I'm gay but like... y'know, nervousness.

Babe, you can do it...I surely hope he'll understand :(

I mean, yeah, he's fine with people being gay but like... oh god, my stomach is like in my throat right now.



That came out wrong.

There has to be something more to life than school and work I just ugh

Hey I need some help because my best friend is acting like she's going through some stuff and idk what to say to her because tbh we're best friends but we aren't close and I just want to let her know that I'm there for her without being pushy or nosy about it because I do really care about her.
I'm just not good with emotions and I don't know if she'd rather be left alone or if she wants my support.
Idk just maybe help if you can?

What can I do to help you?


What do you mean?

I just really need a hug.

*gives you a hug*

Hey man. A few months back I stopped being best friends with my best friend, and it's been one of my better decisions this school year. I'm serious about this, and I know everyone says this, but if they don't make you happy, and especially if they don't care about you as a person, you need to get away fast. A lot of times (including with me) you and your friend will care about each other strictly in a I-need-a-best-friend-to-look-like-I'm-fun-and-lovable-so-that-other-people-will-want-to-talk-to-me way. This is extremely unhealthy because whenever your feeling down and need someone to talk to, you'll end up looking at your life and saying, wow, my best friend doesn't care about me. It makes everything so much harder. I can 1000% guarantee you that leaving people that mistreat you will improve your life so, so much. Even if it seems scary to not have a "best friend" it will be so worth it. The toxicity will be removed from your life, and you'll have more room to grow real relationships. I hope this makes sense to you, I hope you heed this advice, I hope you go on that trip, and I hope that whatever happens, you'll be better off for it.

Things are changing and I don't like it.
My grandmother is in the hospital again, and we pretty much know that she's going to be okay this time, but it's just a reminder of what's eventually going to happen. My grandparents mean the absolute world to me, and some of my fondest memories are with them. I know I shouldn't think about this stuff, it's just hard with all the reminders.
Ugh.

I hope your grandmother gets better soon. I know how it feels when my Grandpa goes to the hospital because, yes, he's okay for now, but someday....

Anyways, if it helps, I'll keep you in my prayers.

I just sent my mom an e-mail about my depression and stuff and let me tell you THAT WAS THE HARDEST MOST EMOTIONAL THING I HAVE EVER DONE. IT TERRIFIES ME TO THINK ABOUT HOW SHE'S GOING TO REACT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'LL BE CHILL ABOUT IT OR SCARED OR ANGRY OR WHAT. SHE STUDIED FAMILY PSYCHOLOGY. WHICH MEANS I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S GOING TO SAY ABOUT THIS. DID SHE EVEN STUDY DEPRESSION? DO THE PEOPLE SHE WORK WITH KNOW A LOT ABOUT THIS. I'M SO SCARED, GUYS. I'M NOT SURE I LIKE WHAT I'VE DONE BUT I NEED TO FIX THIS RIGHT NOW

IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT GOOD ON YOU FOR SENDiNG THAT

(*hugs*) You did the right thing, the best thing you could do right now. <:^) Try not to what-if about this. It'll work out somehow. Whatever happens, you'll be able to deal with it.

i went to the therapist two days ago and i almost got hospitalized. my dad keeps saying "its not that serious!! why would they think to hospitalize you!!" but i dont think he or the therapist knows that if my family wasnt home on sunday i probably would have attempted. i want to be dead so bad i want out i hate being alive. i never signed up for this.

so done.
so so done with this all.

my best friend is being an absolute dickhead about everything and insulting everything I do so there goes the majority of my social life at school (he's not actually a douche he can just be really really mean when he wants to).
and yesterday I was talking to my older sister (she's 22) and my dad and I was trying to congratulate her and support her bc she's doing this epic sport thing (too long to elaborate but she's hella) but my dad started contradicting everything I said and I was just like "dude she's your daughter she's my sister let me congratulate her she's amazing" but he was arguing with everything I said.
and now my mom's pissed at me and idek why and I tried to apologize and she just said "mm" and then was like "you're awful" and so I told her I was sorry and didn't mean to be and I'd try to be better and she just said "you were much nicer before christmas" and wouldn't talk to me again.
and exams are coming up and i'm just so fucking done with this all right now

Wishing you the best! I'm sorry everything sucks, just remember that you don't need other people to be happy. :)

Just putting this out there:
what really f's me up the most is that all the horrible people don't seem to have any karma. like what

(*hugs*) everything will work out okay? sometimes parents don't get it, but you don't always need them to get better.
(*hugs and pets head*) i dunno man sometimes people just don't make sense
they can be really shitty and it sucks but hey you have me and us and you'll make other friends if that one is truly an asshole bc you're great and people are bound to notice it.

Thank you! She's doing better today, and should be discharged tomorrow. :)
Hope your grandfather stays well too. <3

ughugh long rant lmao
 

okay i am literally so pissed off at the education system and society
i mean it's freaking ridiculous, first of all, that in some curricula you literally choose the subjects you take exams for by like freshman year? and that you need to choose subjects in highschool because hell i get that you'd want to quit the subjects you hate asap but when you're in high school there are so many things that can influence your decision and why are we making life choices at fourteen or fifteen anyway?

it's so hard watching everyone you know just spend all their time studying for some stupid tests because those tests will literally decide the rest of their future. it's even harder watching friends choose careers ((at fourteen may i add)) because they're 'stable' or 'well-paying'. and the worst bit is when people's parents pressure them into things because it's ridiculous and honestly why are we so dependent on money i mean you don't need to be a millionaire to be happy and i hate that society has told us that money is everything. i hate that society has conditioned me to look down on non-academic jobs i hate that i need to stop and tell myself off because honestly i just hate this horrible education system that eats away at you and pressures you into choosing a career you hate and makes you choose between your social life, your grades, your mental and emotional health, your physical health, your actual hobbies, entertainment and free time, family time and sleep. i hate that the education system is ruining our lives by forcing us to be committed to something we hate.

and yes who wouldn't hate it? there's a difference between hating education and hating learning because the education system's main goal has always been to mould young people into money-making machines. in high school it's like, "okay, do your work so you can get into a good college." in college it's, "do your work so you can get a good job." and so many times these jobs aren't even things you enjoy. and the education system just sucks the beauty out of learning anyway. i mean the whole joy of it is just waking up and wanting to /know/ something and just learning about something in your own time in your own way whether that's by reading or watching movies or experience or art or whatever i mean the education system is killing off everything that's amazing about learning and it freaking sucks.

also don't get me started on the 'academics' of the education system because. when these schools are pressuring kids to do everything they can to be in clubs and committees and join stuff and compete with each other for top grades, they're sucking the life out of them in most cases. here i don't mean joining an activity you like because if your school offers something that caters to your passion then you are freaking lucky. here, i mean the schools singling out the 'smart' kids and turning them on each other, making everyone who gets good grades compete for a freaking number. our school has a really strong 'academic circle' where everyone in it is literally at each other's throats over a few grades. i mean people join clubs and activities just because their competitor is doing it and that's just horrible. i had the misfortune of actually being in that academic circle but i'm trying to get away from it because it literally fucking drains all the passion for learning out of you and it's so draining and makes you feel like shit no matter what grades you get. and of course at the same time it's lowering the self-esteem of everyone else who doesn't test well because "i'll never be as good as them. i'm not smart enough. why can't i be like them?" and for that matter it's not just academics it's the arts and sports and everythign else that school pretty much murders while "training us for the real world. bc the real world isn't FAIR." haha thanks so much for ruining all these kids' childhoods now you wonder why teens rebel lmao

so yeah that is my long rant lol

I just told my homophobic friend that I'm gay.

And he accepts me.

CAN I GET A HELL YEAH.

HELL YEAH
:cool:

whoo! (*high-fives*)

on another note i've had a really shitty week but i'm going to see my favorite musical tonight so.

venikA: Cant you change subjects up until year 11 (junior ?) there? Here, you do everything in year seven to get a feel for them, year eight you pick some but can always change them, year nine you can change butnyou have to stay with the same language if you are doing one then year 10 you pick out of the new choices and year eleven theres some new ones but you can also stay the same. year twelve, continue year eleven subjects

sorry if i interpreted that bit wrong!

Omg you captured it perfectly my thoughts exactly thank you for saying this

i should be annotating now
i have no motivation to do anything except annotations at the moment
why am i here
bye

i don't want to be an architect
a doctor
a lawyer
i don't want to be in business
or politics
or whatever other crap
i want to write
that is all i want to do okay i'm sorry
i'm sorry for disappointing you because you think i can do better
but you don't understand that that is all i can do and still be happy
and I might starve and live in a dumpy apartment but
i don't want anything else i am sorry
there is no other option for me. that's what i need to do, not want, need, and i'm not going to be the next emily dickinson or shakespeare but that's what's going to make me happy and that's all that's going to make me happy
i might not even be good at it but i don't care anymore
i'd rather starve than be stuck in a passion-less job that kills me inside.

there's so much I want to say but nothing I can.

Rt Rt Rt !

I came out to my mum. c:

How'd it go??

She already knew, but she said that she'll always love me no matter what, and she asked how I knew and I told her that I had a crush on a guy last year. :)

your curriculum sounds p cool in relation to like choosing subjects and stuff... i mean for us we have to take all subjects until grade 8, and then in grade nine/freshman year we can choose between history/geography and art/music/drama/etc, and after grade 10 we choose six subjects out of specific groups like a first language, a second language, a science, a math course, a humanities course and an elective, something like that. yeah. idk about whether we can change tho?

but like, our school is actually rly good when it comes to when we can choose subjects by, at least compared to other schools. there are a lot of schools where i live (my friend's in one) where you have to like make major decisions by ninth grade... (ofc i think they can make minor changes but they have like major exams in 10th and 12th grade so idk how that would work out if you change subjects in junior year/eleventh grade.... and i have cousins in schools where you literally have to choose what career you want after you finish tenth grade. so yeah...

but yeah the above was what i was basing it on xD

ty :P