no im just being stupid my lip and fingernails/fingers are bleeding lol
that was prolly a bad idea in hindsight but it feels good
no i am not self harming if you think so
unless
and now im wondering is vigorous nail/skin biting is a form of self harm is it
also @cosmo: lol wb does that to my posts sometimes too it's annoyig you're fine

ohhhh ok that's good c: well not really good bc my lip keeps randomly bleeding when i try to flute and it sort of made my entire section so concerned for me xD (gosh i love my flute children) plus it impacted my playing so much
also i'm 110% fine now and my friend's here and we're studying together <3

meera. listen to me. aiming this high is too much for you apparently, because i can clearly tell you're freaking out over this and it's rly affecting your mental health.
what profession do you want? bc my shrink has a doctorate in psychology and a rly good income as far as i can tell and she does what she wants and she got a c in math!! she said she nearly failed german but she never needed it in life, and maybe it would've been better if she did better in it but she accepted that she's never going to germany and it's completely irrelevant to her career, and nobody's judging her immensely for not getting an a in german, so who cares?
honestly not getting straight as is completely ok. not many people do, and no parent wants to see their child end up in a high college with straight as that's way too stressful for them. no parent wants to switch their child's emotional stability for straight as. i promise you. if you try your hardest, that's all you can do.
no one is perfect and ik deep down you know this too. don't set yourself too high up bc you'll just come tumbling down

Jasper, my friend, abandonment is something we all fear. But know that I'll always be here for you, and so will other members of KP. My mum's bestie is bipolar so I've seen this stuff before, though not in any great detail as I'm kept away from it.

But Jas - can I call you this, I like it as a nickname like - if you're bipolar, you'll have done your research, right? I know I did when I got told I was on the spectrum. Do you have an official medical diagnosis? Do you have prescription meds? These things are incredibly important, my mum's friend didn't have them as a teenager and so didn't have much support. With bipolar, support is ESSENTIAL. My mum's friend has been through so much, if she'd had a diagnosis sooner it could have helped.

If you can't get medical help, talk to me about it okay? I'm on tumblr, I've got an email, I'm on skype, if you ever need to talk I'm not going to bail on you. I'm here.

You're my secret Aussie twin and I'll always be there for you.

i did it last semester

apologies for the terrible "advice" TT-TT
 

Hey, Jasper, it's going to be okay. People are terrible and usually they don't realize the impacts they have on someone's life (a negative impact in this case). It's a bad feeling when this happens, but try not to dwell on it too much. and this next part is very important

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

you can affect things, but know that you are only affecting them in the way you were always meant to. if something bad happens and it was overall someone else's decision, it is not your fault and I don't blame you for being upset about it. I know it may seem like stuff in you life pushed them away, but really, did you ask to have a disorder? did any of us ask to be depressed? to be happy? to go through puberty? to be suicidal?

No! So you can't blame yourself for these things that are affecting you because I know that can consume you to the point where it feels like they're a part of you. But trust me, you are going to be fine and they were very rude for not at least trying to help you through this.

on the slightly brighter side of things, now you know for sure you have room in your life for someone better than them, someone more supportive and caring, and someone who doesn't want to leave you EVER. that person WILL DEFINITELY come along and they will help you the best they can, but don't be afraid to find them (even though the world will make you afraid because there are weird people out there).

So hang in there, okay? We're all here for you! and although I don't know what it's like to have a bipolar disorder, I do know what it's like to have depression....and it sucks. and with stuff like this, it's important that people are there for you and some of them won't be. But hang onto those people who are there for you and know that there are others out there who would give you all of their love and support if they could just meet you and get to know you. so hang in there, little gem. blue half of square mom's lookin out for u

@jasper: i'm on my phone now so i will type a very long reply when i have computer access, which will be after school today, alright? hang in there <3

ey, ruby, sweetheart, Imma tell u that I'm graduating soon. Like, i only have one class to take and I'm done. I'm off to college in the fall. legit, see u guys in the south (i've actually missed the southern winters, so maybe it will be nice. anyways) so i've been through all the crap that highschool has thrown at you and seriously, i've learned that you can't blame yourself for trying to work with this horrifying school system.

I had my transcript printed for a college meeting and I saw there was a B on there. It was in my 9th grade year in one of my spanish classes, the other of which had an A-, and I was horrified. HOW DID I GET HERE WITH AN A- AND A B? IS THIS WHERE MY 4.0 GPA WENT?! but in reality, a 4.0 gpa is actually unattainable now because even an A- brings it down to like 3.9756 (literally, they go that far with the numbers). and, at least around here, nobody uses A+ anymore. But rounding up, that's a 4.0 and 3.97 is still a good gpa. Heck, now I think mine is 3.897 and that's still a good gpa (not just to me, but like according to the highschool and colleges and stuff! I think you only need a 3.2 to apply for a freaking master's degree, so really, anything above that is fine).

So don't worry about what grade you get now because, honestly, it's going to get harder and it really doesn't matter that much when you get into college. Like, before college, you need your highschool gpa and SAT/ACT scores and maybe you need that for a job before college, too, but LEGIT ONCE YOU GET A COLLEGE GPA EVEN IF YOU ONLY TAKE LIKE ONE CLASS, AFTER YOU GRADUATE AND GO INTO OTHER COLLEGES, THAT INSTANTLY BECOMES MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE 4 YEARS OF HIGHSCHOOL YOU WORKED YOUR BUTT OFF TO SURVIVE THROUGH. WHICH IS LIKE THE STUPIDEST THING KNOWN TO MAN

i guess what i'm saying is, yeah, it's hard to really accept, but the grade doesn't matter as much as the world wants you to think. especially if it's affecting your mental health. But do your best without getting hurt, and remember that it's only a temporary thing that honestly will not matter in a year or when you're graduating. (because, again, screw the school system for making some things too big of a deal when really, they're going to ignore that in a few years. like what the hell america).

Hang in there, my pretty red gem. and you'll be just fine

ok so i'm not you and i don't know exactly what's going on for you atm, but i'm guessing it's about friendship?? i don't usually like to say 'oh i feel you' or 'i went through the same' bc it doesn't solve your problems, but i have been partially destroyed by someone who i thought was my best friend but ended up acting like i dropped off the earth. the whole part where they move on is torturing, which seems to being happening for you, and it's so so so shitty, but you have to remember that they aren't the only people on this planet that you can be/have been friends with. clearly there's kp, even though we're across the world from you, and there's your family and you will meet new amazing people who don't just walk away. they're not worth your energy and emotional wellbeing, which is easier said than done because i've been telling myself that for months and i'm still not over the whole crushing 'she doesn't give a shit about you anymore' but you have to move on. don't swim oceans and drown for people who won't even jump in the water for you (cheesy tumblry quote oops)
and as for being bipolar, like rebecca said, support is vital. you can't just keep it to yourself bc it's going to damage you in the long term. if you ever need anyone to talk to, even if you think it's stupid and pointless to worry about, i will always listen. i really admire and care about you and i would be so crushed if you did leave the world

okay thanks so much for this. you're the best, sapphire. <3

so my school is so competitive that a 4.0 is basically the average gpa (pluses and minuses don't count) and even jen and the majority of my other friends will have finished the whole math curriculum by next year (and here i am, a freshman in trig) and things like that. but now that i think of it, this is so unnecessary. and i just sat down yesterday and wrote not one but two extra credit papers for my literature class, and that helped even out my mental health because if i get good grades on those, then i can boost my lit grade to over 100% ^.^ and im probably gonna rely on my finals and participation in math and bio to get extra credit, and even if i can't do that, im not as screwed as i think i am because i do marching band and robotics and track and animation/cad and a lot of other random things. and i know colleges love extracurriculars. i guess im just feeling a bit inferior compared to my friends or something, but at least now im alright. <3

here goes. i can't say i know what you feel like because i never have been very depressed before, but ill try to help as best as i can.

none of this is your fault, and you're just gonna have to accept that these people are, from what you said, grade-a assholes. and if they say that not taking to you is for the better (tbh why would it be, you're amazing to talk to) then just let them live their lives. they're not the only people in the world. you have me, and everyone else who replied, and im certain that there's at least one person who thinks about you each night before they sleep and wants you to notice them more than anything. don't let a few idiots ruin your life, alright? there is so much to learn about and the world is such a beautiful place. you just have to open your eyes and see past the sadness.

(more coming later)

i hate being low key sad bc like on one hand i'm mildly nervous and i don't even know why and i kind of want to die but on the other hand i've only been awake ten or eleven hours and i'm exhausted and maybe i should just sleep but then again i want to force myself to stay up and like pass out at five am also bc it's so, like, not very intense rn it kind of feels like i'm making up feeling upset at all but whatever might as well just go on tumblr or marathon parks and rec or something lol

holy shit hi every1 :o

okok! @rebecca: yeah i do have a diagnosis but its so? weird atm bc im not on meds or even talking to osmeone because of my parents and im like campaigning against them and youd think like parents wouldnt be able to keep a child who clearly meeds support away from vital resources but apparently they can in australia... mmmm thank you man im always here for you too!!

@dw: !! thank you so much man!! i was just thinking abt garnet and the whole gem fusion thing tbh

@alaska: i love that quote omg,, im just so ? abt it all? and im so sorry that happemed to you and ur besfriend that must have been crushing im sorry !!

@meera: thank thank u! im so sorry i didnt reply to ur posts i wasnt feeling so great as you cna see :S but thank u so much frond

and @venika: i know that feel? but trust me if you are feeling upset actively and lowkey im sure you arent making it up, kts hard to make that up, your feelings are valid. please try and get normal sleep if possible!!

...that's bizarre.
Like, you have a child with a diagnosis, with an ACTUAL CONDITION, you make sure the kid has the support they need. That's really not hard.

yeah I'm bipolar hi also I've been feeling weirdly stable for a while..??? NEW MEDICATION MUST BE WORKING 8D

i'm actually completely fine, both in terms of grades and mental health, by now. you people have actually helped so much you don't even know, and my best friends and i had a picnic for lunch and running around in the park was really fun and distracting, and i have auditions to obsess about for now, and in general i just make really fast recoveries so if i vent here feel free to ignore it bc i'll be better in less than 24hrs. in hindsight that was stupid of me XD

positive vent wow
 

so as you might know, i have signed my sorry self up for wind ensemble auditions. and normally i'd be freaking out completely and being all desperate to get in, the way i was with semester chair auditions before. but now, i'm not really like that. i'm finally facing reality, which is that there are no current flutes in the entire school who will be moving/quitting/graduating next year, and the current wind ensemble flute section is about seven juniors and two (prodigy) sophomores, so i'm probably not getting in at all. i'm a second flute in concert band, so i wasn't good enough to make first, and idk if i can compete with people who have been in wind ensemble for at least a year already.

and i'm just gonna accept that and prepare myself to possibly learn a low brass instrument (most likely horn or tuba) for symphonic band and then get in wind ensemble in junior/senior year when i'll be one of the only low brass players in the school. i've never been so laid-back about an audition before but it's a lot better than getting stressed over something that's basically never going to happen if you look at it objectively.

that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try, heck, i'll try like crazy. the audition is next thursday and i will play my scales and excerpt until my fingers fall off. and if i get in i'll run around screaming and hugging my section (which i rarely do even though i love them) and doing cartwheels and (hopefully not) breaking every piece of furniture in this house. but if i don't get in, it will not affect me at all and i might even sign my sorry self up for horn or tuba lessons instead. it shouldn't be too hard because i can transpose and everything. i might even make all-state on a low brass instrument next year if i practice hard enough because there are a gazillion flutes and basically no horns (concert band, which i'm in now, doesn't have any horn players and i was gonna learn but it was way too late, and plus i already have a nice solid spot in the second flutes for now).

but i'm definitely marching flute for the next four years regardless of what director says, and if i want to do drum corps and audition for santa clara vanguard (which i most likely won't do ahaha) i'll probably get out my snare or tenors and practice that (shouldn't be too hard seeing as i was second-chair percussionist once) or march whatever low brass instrument i learn. flutes aren't included in dci after all, so maybe me learning more instruments will be for the better. or i could use my extensive piano knowledge and play vibraphone or something in pit, but i'm a pretty good marcher, so i'd rather not do that... okay why am i planning out my whole music career now?

basically i wanted to say that one audition isn't gonna be the end of my world. and one bad experience won't be the end of your world. you can still make up a backup plan and who knows, it might work out better than what you originally had in mind for yourself. just because someone said something bad about you, it doesn't make you a bad person. and if one audition judge doesn't like my playing, it won't make me any less of a musician. so y'all keep your heads up and if something isn't working out for you, figuratively learn another instrument.


also my family is always shouting but it's about feelings being hurt and shit and i don't have time for feelings XD *aggressively listens to stravinsky at max volume, while repeatedly playing high c and then singing high c when my fingers hurt, to drown out the sounds of pointless idiotic emotions*

i?? i dont want to go to university and i neverwant to doanother day of school yet sadly to do what i want i must defy both of those things

unfortunately that's the way it works. i have vague plans of what i want to do but one isn't a definite income and the other needs a doctorate oops

irrelevent vent sry. tw slightly??
 

so this is probably rly stupid but it's rly pissing me off. so after my shrink told my mum everything about my history on self harm, suicidal thoughts and bad depression she's always bringing it up like?? can u not?? and she always starts comparing it to her childhood saying how psychological help was unheard of and how she's familiar with suicidal thoughts and how she struggled and ik she's probably trying to make me feel better but she keeps talking about it like she'll start telling me how she went through shit when it's totally different!! ok so maybe she felt pretty low in high school but there is NO WAY she had hallucinations and wanted to kill herself every day and she had at least one best friend like i don't?? and one of the first things she said to me when she came back from my shrink's office was all these questions about self harm and 'did it hurt' or 'why did you do it' and she was smiling and almost finding it funny and i literally wanted to scream at her stfu bc i clearly didn't want to talk about it and it's been a week now, and she's always bringing shit up like how much she struggled and how she understands and it's almost like i constantly have to listen to her sob story!! THIS IS WHY i didn't fucking tell her!! bc i had a feeling she would talk about it and i don't want to talk about dying and self harm every day ok?? i am already tortured inside and i don't need my own mother discussing this constantly like gIVE ME A BREAK bye

uh okay so am i the only one who like has a weird cycle of emotions that lasts a few months and repeats? like for about a month i'll feel like, extremely low, like really really intensely miserable and constantly have suicidal thoughts and just generally finding every minute utter shit, and i won't be able to sleep much and stuff,and then after that month it'll become less severe but like general low mood and like i won't be able to get excited or happy abt anything? and that'll last for abt a month and a half and then there'll be a period of time when the low mood continues but it's very unstable like little things will make me feel shit and then after a few hours i'll feel less terrible but still unhappy, and sometimes i'll have, like, sudden panic attacks. and then it repeats. idk, this has been happening since july, and this is just one more thing for me to be upset and scared abt since currently if it follows the same pattern i'll be having another rly intense period of unhappiness really soon and idk i just really dont want things to get as bad as they did in january like that was physically painful i actually got sick bc of all the negativity and general feeling miserable and idkkkkkkk so yeah. anyone have any advice?

that awful tension when you know you failed a french test but the grades haven't been updated for a month so you're scared and freaking out and there's a weird tightness in your throat and you just blast stravinsky from your speakers at full volume to run away from your problems

oh who am i kidding, i couldn't have failed that bad... like 90% of the test was conjugation of regular verbs in future tense or something and that's super easy. and the part i failed was the culture and it was only one question but it was worth a lot and i might've also gotten the conjugation wrong and i don't know. tbh putting grades in isn't that hard, i used to be a teaching assistant and i could grade and enter four math classes's tests in an hour, so why is it taking so long? am i insensitive? or am i just freaking out too much and blowing things out of proportion?

whatever. i have a 94 in french, and my quiz/test grade is a 92. so i should be fine. why am i so worried? shut up meera you have work to do and auditions to practice for and you shouldn't be so tense. but i can't not be this tense. ugh this is weird i'll just turn up the volume and study.

hey you are so so smart and i know you did super well !! you have nothing to worry about you're seriously so hardworking and dedicated that i know you did really good.

ok i don't really come on here a lot but i rlly need help
so about a month ago i got in a really huge fight with my best friend and we were super close but she just hurt me so much and said soso many awful things that i really didn't feel bad about breaking off our friendship
every time i talked to her i just felt so exhausted and she just constantly insulted me and generally made me feel like shit so when she told me she never wanted to talk to me again i was glad tbh
but recently she's been sending me texts and asks on tumblr apologizing and saying that she wants to be friends again and i tried to tell her that i really don't think we can be but she keep sending them and i ??? don't know what to do i mean she really seems sincere and sorry but i don't know if i can let her back into my life
idk what im trying to say but i just don't know what do to like ?? most of me is so done with her and never wants to talk to her again but then again i don't want to hurt her (which is funny because she's the main one who hurt me lol but)
ye

MMmmm is there any way you can be like Test Friends if that makes sense? So you like are friends but not besties and then you basically start ur friendship over again?
I KNOW IT FUCKIGN SUCKS ASS ?!!
hello hi!! thats awesome man!!
SECONDED MEERA YOU ARE AMAZING IM SURE YOU DID WELL

idk i just get anxious really easily over almost nothing. it wasn't like this during marching season, so idk what happened to me. thanks, though c: i'll try my hardest not to freak out too much alright

don't worry. someday you'll get here like me. i got a 77% on a quiz and i stopped caring because this class is literally the worst and my lit teacher is also getting on my nerves. and i just don't care anymore (college still likes me, and because i'm going into art school, a portfolio and my test scores are all that will matter). XD

Still, though, that grade is really great. language classes are hard and i tried french for like, two months before I switched schools and decided not to do french ever again. ^_^' I give up too easily, but seriously, good job sorting out all them letters and UGH THE ACCENT MARKS DROVE ME UP THE WALL I APPLAUD U FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR

i thought i got a c on my last two lit projects but it was just a mistake in the gradebook, so i'm not worried about that anymore XD and french is usually my "joke class" (bc before i started i knew three languages if music notation counts, and in seventh grade i had like a 140% for the whole year) so most of it is just syntax, or remembering which order the words go in, and once you know how to conjugate regular verbs, irregulars are actually really easy to memorize ^.^ as for the accents, you can just say the word aloud to yourself to know what accent goes where c:

but yeah, i'm really bad at the culture thing and i probably failed that or i'm overthinking.... SO MANY COUNTRIES AND SO MANY RANDOM PEOPLE I HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT. WHY. at least i have extra credit that i just did and it should be put in at the same time as the test is. *continues repeating the same part of rite of spring a million times and begins to feel better about myself*


in other news NEXT WEEK'S HOMEWORK IS UP YESSS TIME TO BE A FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF SOCIETY AGAIN

ahh we actually tried that and at first she was rlly nice but then she got rude so i stopped,,, but then a few days ago she msged me saying she was sorry again and said she wanted to start a new friendship where she wasnt rude n demeaning and idk if im ready to give her yet another chance ?? idk. im overthinking this. but thank u friend !!!

I'm sorry she treated you so badly in the first place :c Maybe you could try to give her another chance and thigs would be better? If things don't geht better after that you could just tell her you don't think it will work... You might not want to tell her that because it would hurt her, but she would've deserved it after treating you so poorly. It might also teach her a lesson. Like she'd have to be nicer to people to stay in touch with them. Who knows, some people don't even learn from their mistakes. But this happened with my best friend a while ago. She told me she'd never cared about me in the first place and some other stuff and we broke off our friendship. A while later she apologized and we became friends again and I'm really glad we are! So it might work out and it might not basically but I wish you the best of luck!

i got a 93.5 on this test btw
hmmm mildly acceptable and good enough to not get an anxiety attack, but just barely

help im really scared of bugs and i can't leave my room without screaming and tonight will be one long panic attack

thats really good! you should be proud of yourself!
im assuming since you wrote this you have your computer or a tablet or phone or something so i would greatly suggest going onto youtube and looking at cute videos or anything to distract you from the anxiety!! did something happen to trigger it or?

this has happened to me before (except with rats haha) and what helped me then was basically just having some comfort food and staying up talking to someone. that really helped tbh, even though they were in another country and it was just gmail chat it helped to have someone to talk to. so yeah, just try hang on in there! find a space in the room where you're sure there aren't any bugs or anything else that makes you uncomfortable, then whenever you sit there it's safe and comfortable and that helped me too so yeah. ^.^

vague
 

honesttlyokay to everyone here if we are friends, or if we arent, i probably still lov u and i never want to hurt any one please tell me if im makin u feel bad. im feeling so very guilty right now because of something that happened with a past friend and i dont want tht friend to remember me as a horrible person becasuse that friend probably does and i. oh god.moh my god. im so sorry if ur reading this and u know who u r. im so sorry. i jsut want to say ur name and i want to send u a message and i want us to leave that in the past but i dont think we should be friends or anything, i just want you to remember me as a better person than you think of me as, because fuck knows i think of you so highly and look up to you so much

Hey, you know think of you very highly too. I think you're going through hell but you'll be okay. And I don't feel bad. I don't know what I feel half the time but it's not bad. Friendship's hard and it's painful but it's not bad. This person you're talking about, I'm sure they'll understand, or if they don't right now, they'll come to in time. It's complicated but they'll come around, I'm sure of it. Just be patient and respectful and they should understand.

Talk to me any time you need.

life gets loads and loads better, this is the dip in your happiness, but it will rise and you'll hang in there until it does

now im basically fine, but the night really was one long anxiety attack and i woke up screaming for mom. yeah.

that sucks.. good you're better now though!