Yah, i live in Texas. I found a denomination/thing called Rainbow Ministries...? and there's a church in Austin which I plan to attend when I go to Austin after high school. There's also a super inclusive church in the city I live in, but there's no way my parents would ever consent to let me go there because religious maniac family

aww and tell ur friend she is the best

sravani fuckin talk to me please <3

My parents were actually super against me going to church but because my dad is super super athiest and he was really aggressive and rude about it and it sucked and made me feel pretty crappy for trying to believe in my own thing. And they are the best. Pax is genderqueer and pansexual.

when you know that your crush read the poem that you wrote about them on wattpad and they didn't say anything.

But I'm so excited because I get to see her on wednesday! She's coming over here. I'm so happy that I just get to sit down and talk with her. :)

why on earth do i keep doing this to myself

i love being crazy (sarcasm) and i mean actual crazy, the kind of crazy ppl laugh at and are scared of at the same time. all my friends think im joking, they think its not that bad until i actually display symptoms in front of them. they always think they can handle it until they find out that crazy doesnt mean loud at times and distant at other times. when i say crazy, i mean actual persecutory, paranoid delusions, dissociation, irrational fears and behaviors.

and it makes me so angry that i am their joke. it makes me so angry that i am the "psycho killer bitch" in a movie they saw, i am their "insane mental patient" in their story, the one "batshit crazy" person they saw on the street.

but hey, what do i know? im just some overreacting psycho, right?

hey elliot just want to let you know that this sounds cheesy but they're clearly not good friends if they're doing that. Like I'm not going to tell you who should and shouldn't be your friend or whatever because I don't have enough background context but it sounds like they're not really valuing you and treating you with respect and not taking you seriously which pisses me off so much because I know we haven't spoken in years (I literally couldn't contact anyone) but I know you've been there for me loads of times and it just makes me angry that somebody as great and amazing a lovable as you isn't being treated right because of the ignorance of your friends. Like what kind of friend wouldn't take you seriously? It just kinda blows my mind. But I send much love and support whether you bring this up with them or not. <3

hihi i've been stalking your tumblr so yeah but seriously your "friends" need to eff off and effing love you for who you are, even (and especially) if you are going through tough times. Crazy is such an inaccurate word because it implies you are something. You're not crazy, you have crazy thoughts and fears, but that doesn't make you anything except you (and you're pretty effing great). Don't let it get to you. I don't think you're overreacting at all, and if you're afraid of showing symptoms in front of your friends, then you need to get them tf out of your life. I know it's harsh, but that's what you have to do. I've been there, so. many. effing. times and in the end they're not worth it. If they don't think you're perfect and wonderful and they laugh at you and are scared of you, then in the end, they're the crazy ones.

I can’t believe how much I want to see her. All I want right now is to hug her and talk to her for hours on end. I know that I’ve said this so many times before, but everyday that I get closer to seeing her again it gets stronger. I can’t even describe how special she is to me, and it physically hurts to think that she probably doesn’t feel the same way. I want to pour my heart out to her and tell her all of my secrets. But more importantly, I want her to do the same. I want to know every single detail about her life. Every secret, every silly thing she did, every time she cried, every time she laughed, every opinion she’s ever had, every little thing. I would sit there for hours and listen to her speak and watch her mannerisms. I want to laugh over funny memories with her, I want to cry over cringe worthy memories with her, I want to show her who I really am, and I just want her. I can’t even believe the things that I would do to hear her laugh right now or just to see her in 3D rather than on my phone screen right now. Every time I think of her I can’t help but tear up because of just how much it kills me that I can’t see her and hug her every single day of my life. I want our hands to accidentally touch, to be nervous for a few seconds, and then realize that she didn’t pull away. I want her to feel as strongly about me as I do about her. Thinking about her makes my tummy rumble and my hands begin to fidget. I can only hope that she is thinking some of the same things right now.
I wonder if I’m obvious. I wonder if people see the look in my eyes when I look at her. I wonder if people see when I sneak glances at her when she’s not looking. I wonder if people notice the way I fidget around her. I wonder if she notices all of these things. What if I’m just missing it? What if I looked over one second too early one day and saw her looking at me the way I look at her? What if I’m constantly on her mind like she’s on mine? What if she daydreams about me too? What if she gets it? God. Imagine that. If only everything could be that perfect.

I give up.

I've tried so hard for so long. I try so hard to be happy and strong, but at the end of the day, I can't fool myself because I'm just not. I'm never happy anymore, and I try so hard to do things that used to make me happy or be with people who make me happy. But nothing brings me happiness anymore. Life is just kind of dull and there, and you have no idea how hard it is going through those motions day after day. The people who make me happy always always end up breaking my heart and pushing me away. And having your heart broken and not being able to get any reason as to why you were never good enough really fucking sucks.

I hardly trust anyone anymore because everyone always ends up using me and I'm at the point where if someone tells me "I love you" or "I miss you" I can't believe them because no one really means those words anymore. All I am is used and then tossed aside when something better comes along. How are you supposed to forgot the one guy who made you feel so alive and invincible. How am I supposed to forget hugging and kissing him and holding him and touching him and all of his words to me. I can't. I can't forget and I don't think I ever will.

I can't deal with any of it anymore. I can barely get through day by day. How am I supposed to live like this. It's not just the guy who let me down when I thought he was finally someone different. It's everything and everyone. Life sucks.

I'm so sorry you feel so horrible :( Just keep in mind that all of this is temporary. There's so much more to life than going through the same routine every single day, but it's a necessary evil. Most of the people in your life right now are temporary. You may not even remember them someday, because whether you like it or not, in the future your friends will go their separate ways. Even the friends you consider yourself to be inseparable from. While that may be a horrible thing, it can also be a good thing because it helps you get rid of the toxic friendships that it sounds like you have right now.
Just remember that you're so young right now and the world is your oyster. There's so much out in the world right now, and once you graduate high school, you can do whatever you want. You're not bound to anything. Isn't it worth it to suffer for a couple years so you can ultimately be happy? Please keep your head up! You can get through this :)