Thanks! I'm glad I did it too. :)

Thanks Lizzie (:

I might not be online for a while byt he way

okay so now giving a surprised look when a random guy out of nowhere pats your "friend"'s head is mean?

the scene:
her: *blah blah blah*
guy: *pats her head and goes away*
me: wat *weird look*
her: *really angry* that's mean
me: what? all I did was be surprised!
her: still. that's mean. *looks disapproving*
me: *shakes head and looks away*
her: *leaves*

tired and dehydrated and annoyed yayyyy

unhappy things i guess
 

is it bad that i really like how the elves look in the lotr series? i know people are all about "loving who you are" and representation of different skin/hair colors and stuff. but for some reason it's really hard for me to jump right into that. not saying i never saw my curly hair and dark eyes as beautiful, but i did see them as different. when i was little, i imagined myself as the black barbie doll because she had dark curly hair, brown eyes, and skin that obviously wasn't white, so that must be what i look like! fast forward a few years and i'm just now being told that there are many types of "tan" skin like olive and honey and so on. and straightening my hair makes me look weird, but when it curls up just a little so it's wavy like mermaid hair, sometimes i wish it would stay like that. i'm not sure where i was going with this, but it's just really weird for me to realize that being multiracial and looking the way i do is more common than i thought, but i'm still seen like a rare animal sometimes. idk.

i just really want to look like an elf sometimes, but i'm worried about it because they have blonde hair and red hair and pale skin and blue eyes which is everything i don't have. i hope this doesn't lead to any major self esteem issues. heaven knows i don't need that. maybe i'm not loving my looks enough sometimes, but i really would love to have long, silky elf hair.






i tend to bring up slightly sad things like this to cover up my true emotional struggles so i'm sorry if this seems irrelevant or unimportant (it is totally unimportant compared to suicidal thoughts and depression. stay strong, guys)

it's ok, i completely get it! like i have curly-wavy hair and dark skin and eyes and i grew up wanting blue eyes and pale skin and freckles really badly. i don't even know why i liked freckles so much. probably bc they're kinda seen as a typical white trait or something. and i feel like im usually the "exotic indian beauty" instead of an actual person sometimes, y'know? like people don't tend to look past my race when judging my appearance. like, if you're gonna say im pretty, don't bring my freaking ethnicity into it, kay? >.<

thanks, lizzie, lauren, jessica... it means a lot :)

i read through all this and i really want to help in some way possible but i know words are hard to convince people and im not too good with them as it is
so can i just say that to whoever is suffering and hurting from anything that it will get better?
im not trying to be cliche and positive. i consider myself a realist and i know life isn't all fun and games, but neither is it a black and empty void. ive been told many times by the few people who care about my existence that people with lots of hardships end up in better places in the future and are stronger in the long run. which isn't fair, i know, and sometimes the nicer future isn't worth all the pain you feel now
but think about this. we're all below 20. we have like more than a half century of lifespan left and just think. are u going to throw all those irreplaceable years away because of shit that's happening in your life now?
i understand that it might be horrible and serious and it might seem like no one cares but listen to me okay there is ALWAYS someone who cares and in your case, all the ppl who are hurting on kp, it's us ppl you've never met irl. i understand that that might not be very reassuring and having that person that you actually know makes an incredible difference and it's different but just think of that there are some people here or dare i say it MOST people on here would genuinely break and actually cry and feel sorrowful if you were to do something reckless or leave this world i mean i don't even know half of you well and i rly want you guys to be okay bc you seem like wonderful people regardless of what you think of yourselves and you deserve it
and it won't come immediately. i am not one to believe that all the sadness will go away so soon because it takes time but you have to be patient okay like i said you have more than half a century longer to live and if you could take one two or three years hell take as long as it takes and brave through it, you'd probably STILL have over half a century left and that very long part of your life will be happy and nice and i promise that waiting is worth it
i know it won't be devoid of all problems and negativity bc we're only human and shit happens but we have to get over it bc it's only temporary
and if you still honestly feel like there's no one who cares about you then wait for that too. someday, maybe not immediately but eventually, you'll find truly amazing people that you can trust and confide in and who knows? it might just have been us all along. or maybe it's someone new. either way, the world isn't completely full of assholes - just people that can change
and im not depressed or getting my dark crushing sad spells anymore (well at least for the time being) but i still constantly feel that ill never meet that special someone and no one will ever truly care - but you know what? screw what i think. because i have maybe 80 years to live and who am i to pretend i have the powers to see the future and predict doom and gloom and eternal loneliness on myself? im not a freaking godlike entity and im not entitled to feign it
this "no one will love me" frame of mind will not go away, i know, but someday, maybe when im twenty or thirty or forty or even older, someday i will find that someone. i might want them sooner than later, but life has its plans for me and im just gonna roll with it bc there's nothing i can do and no good will come out of creating hopeless prophecies for myself
yeah ill be alone. yeah no one cares. but someday that might change. till then ill keep feeling this and wait it out
and in the same way, you can wait out all your troubles. it's not easy at all. but it's fulfilling i promise <333 and im not gonna pretend that i know the results of your patience bc im pretty young myself and i am in no means wise or experienced. but this is the most logical honest explanation i can give as to why you should hang on
bad/failing grades? even if you or your family thinks that grades are life, truth is that you'll get on with life regardless, and the stress will disappear eventually and you just have to hang on
friend/romantic troubles? look ill say this with my bitter old lady persona: if it didn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. im sorry i sound cheesy but it's pretty much what got me by my first "love" mistake and you will find the right one someday and you will make better friends someday but don't sink into isolation okay just hang on
depression/suicidal thoughts? i know this is hard to acknowledge, especially if they're just words on a screen, but it will go away eventually and suicide, if you look up, is a waste of so many years of life that are yet to be lived. it might be impossible but please try to see the truth in this and hang on
also if you have family problems, either extreme or not, either given some time they will fix themselves bc family or in a few years you can move out and start a new life. just for that you have to wait and hang on
so im sure y'all got the message i incorporated very cheesily into the last few phrases: hang on. and i hope this can help and that you can see that you're not useless or a waste of space or anything you might think - the world might not look like it needs you. but maybe someday it will, and maybe someday many others will, and maybe they do right now but you can't see it. you won't know unless you wait and see
ily all and i hope you stay with me and we can all be friends it'll be okay <3333333333

@sravani: YAY FOR POSITIVITY <33333333 (also yes i am one of those people that would probably freak out completely if anyone tried to do... something to themselves)


okay.
here goes.
i've been wanting to say this for awhile and i honestly don't want to offend anyone.
this applies mostly irl so it isn't referring to you, whoever you are. i just want to see if anyone else has observed similar behavior lately. (oh gosh that came across as nerdier than intended)

people around here have sort of been romanticizing things like depression and suicidal tendencies. now, i don't think i've ever been depressed and i am so incredibly fortunate for that. i have pretty violent mood fluctuations (probably because i sometimes don't even understand my own feelings, save that for another rant) and have nearly felt like kicking the bucket, but not for prolonged periods of time. and joining marching/concert band and hopefully getting a design internship is helping even it all out.
but these people? they're the "oh lol i'm so depressed" type. no. it's not something to be flaunted, is it? because depression, put as simply as i can, is a real mental illness. and mental illness does NOT make you cute. i've consulted with my parents and others and i might have a mild form of anxiety (see also: random must-do-all-the-work episodes) and it is NOT cute. in any way. but people do the same with anxiety as well: "look at me i'm so anxious and nervous lolol." it's not something to be flaunted and worn as a badge. if you've survived it, good for you! my sincerest congratulations, and i mean it! feel free to tell everyone how you won that battle and kicked that illness in the face and recovered and came out strong once again. but if you currently are suffering, would you really treat it as a cute accessory? try replacing depression or anxiety with cancer: "yeah i'm like so disadvantaged bc i have cancer! XDXD" doesn't that sound messed up? it is.
suicidal tendencies are NOT cute. self harm scars are NOT cute. but living through it all and emerging even stronger than you were before? that's more than cute. that is awesome and powerful and you deserved it. and please ignore the douchefaces that romanticize suffering and invalidate everything you've been through and treat it as just a cute little label to introduce yourself with. your mental health does NOT define you as a person. so don't let it.

sorry if i was offending.

(EDIT: oh gosh i was looking through my old posts here and i was one of those people. screw you, little meera. you were not only an embarrassment to current meera, but you were a doucheface as well. screw you for being so melodramatic and thinking it was cute to try to kill yourself. you huge effing idiot, you.)

Meera I totally get where you're coming from and it was orobably directed at me Lmao but no I totally get what ur saying