madelyn im super proud of you and im so happy youve decided to take this step to help yourself ! and even if you mess up sometimes, that doesnt make you a bad person, and youre still doing great <3

You're right about them not knowing what to say. you're too right.

oh oh snow D: c'mere //squeezes - my friend, i had no idea this was happening to you, i'm so, so sorry. look, i'm glad your sister is in rehab, and i hope it helps. i'll be praying for your whole family, okay? eru iluvatar, i'm so sorry, man. //huggles again - don't you ever lose hope, okay? <3

thank you darling <3

ohh stop it you C: that actually means a lot. thank you <333

*cradles you*
Gosh, I am so sorry. I feel like crying right now and I feel so bad for you. I care. We all care. And don't think for a stinking minute that you are alone here and that you should continue self harm.
We love you. <3

@cherry ok it's completely fine to not know what tf to do with your life. college isn't everything. don't feel obligated to choose something you're not interested in as a major/minor/whatever. follow ur dreams even if that means taking a gap year and being a hippie stoner artist.

ok
so
like

I cut or burned every single day the first three weeks of December. I think I went three days in that period without doing it-- the day I was at a sleepover, the day I was too sick to get out of bed, and the day that I was actually happy because I felt like I had friends (funnily enough it was all a lie lol but that's another story). long story short I have glue burns up and down my wrist and my thighs look like I got mauled by a wild animal. I've had major scarring for about a year or so now, but it's never been anything like this.

I guess that I just don't know what's wrong with me. I'm constantly craving more self harm, and I'm constantly thinking about how I look or whether other people like me... and then I eventually decide that I should take it out on my skin. I'm done. I hate my school. I hate my "friends". I hate my life... I hate myself.

okay done bye

Oh oh this is really sweet goodness thank you <333 ily too, darling c': i'm okay, now that i shared it on the wb forum cx

wow okay

so every so often when i get super tired at like 11:30 i start thinking about her and how everything started falling apart after she died

and i swear there's this gaping void that opens up in me and i start thinking about what i lost and how i didn't really get to say goodbye and how troubled she was and how i was so stupid and so ignorant like i had no idea at the beginning of that summer that she wouldn't be here by the end of it holy crap

i remember how it felt when dad told me she was gone

wow everything in my body shut down and just flat out stopped working i couldn't move i couldn't freaking breathe and all i remember thinking was how much i hated God for taking her and all i remember my dad saying was how she didn't even have a chance she was going to freaking die anyway

and then i think about how i was emailing her son back and forth and i just like to think that i brought him a little comfort and made him laugh and made him smile and made him realize someone missed him desperately and just wanted to hold him and wanted him back home

i can't do this why does this hurt so much

out of all my friends' moms she was the one who encouraged me the most to write my book and got my humor maybe even more than my own mom and now she's gone and she wont ever read that book and shell never see how much i improved

it was monday we lost her and i remember shlupping to karate and seeing my friends and we were all so broken and i remember hugging peter and i remember kathleen crying a few weeks later and the next day i hugged alice and shed been just as distressed as i was

and i dont know where she is this is the most distressing part this is what i hate about being a christian the most where is she now did she read that track and did she accept jesus or did she reject him because he gave her cancer and is she in hell or is she in heaven

i want this all to go away i hate this feeling why did god take her im so unconsolable im so dysfunctional why does it hurt so much now i dont remember it hurting like this in november like how did i even get out of bed how did i write a 50k novel when i'd lost her just a month ago

i think jack is the one who helped me

god i love that dog

even when theres death life will always follow it i think thats what he taught me

and she hated it here like i hate it here and thats what opened her up to cancer she was so angry and upset and now their grandma is spewing lies about her like she was bipolar she wasnt bipolar she was just unhappy with where she was and so am i so i get it she wanted out of this town but he didnt so she stayed and this place sucked the freaking life right out of her

I feel good. I feel happy, kinder, better. I'm still an idiot most of the time and I still have some body issues but I'm so much better and this new year is going to be so good. There are some things I have to take care of and I need a lot of work but it's good. It's all good. The world's the color of breathing today and it smells fresh and new.
I've gotten so much better. KP has been great and I know I mostly just log in to post obnoxious rants or complaints but this website has actually been a big part of my life and I'm so glad for all of you beautiful, inspiring people. I've learned so much from you all and this lovely community has meant so much. Thank you, guys. :) Have a lovely new year.

There's not much I can say in terms of comfort but I'm sorry.
Everything I want to say seems hollow.
(there's also always hope in Christ, m'dear. Trust in him and know that it all works out in the end. She's fine and happy now, trust me. That doesn't seem like a good enough thing to say and I'm sorry about that but I hope that someday you will be able to remember her and that it will not be so painful. That you can remember her and feel good that she is with God now. )
Sorry I don't have more to say. I can't say I know what you're going through.
You have a right to grieve, too. You may not want to, you may hate that feeling, but it's okay that you feel that way right now.
I'm not very helpful I'm sorry.

I just realized I really only have two good real life friends who haven't ditched me yet.

Most of my friends are accquaintances. Another one of my good friends has a temper and realllly loves her pride and hasn't spoken to me since I offered math help. My two good friends are a socially awkward boy who's on the very low end of the autism spectrum and we crush on each other and then another is my best friend who loves Zelda and Minecraft and writing like I do.

So that's great that I still have two but I'm not sure I will for too long. :/