Originally Posted by Swallowtail (Post 600551)

boy i wish i would not start fucking sobbing every time i try to fucking dance!!!!
i did ballet for ten years and i miss it so much but i know it’s not a possibility for me anymore because i’m too tall and my ankles are too thin and i go to boarding school and besides i hate the way i look and having to see myself in a full length mirror is just??? hell???? and besides at the end of it i was having full on panic attacks every time i walked into that rehearsal room lmao. but like i can’t do modern either and i can’t just dance with friends or do contra at music festivals or clogging at camp either. one time for soccer practice it was storming so we did an 80s exercise tape and i had to leave practice early because i couldn’t stop crying and like??? i don’t know why this is a thing because i used to love dancing so much and i really really miss it but i just? can’t? and idk it’s really tiring because i just want to have fun!! and between that and not being able to go to movie theaters without having a panic attack there like nothing for me to do with friends so like i’m isolated even further from my community and it’s so frustrating and i’m so sick of it. and i’m trying so hard to not just let this happen? like i try to dance and i try to convince myself that it’ll work this time and that i can have fun and i can do it but then before i know it i’m crying and i have to leave and i ruin my day and everyone else’s

Originally Posted by Swallowtail (Post 600551)

boy i wish i would not start fucking sobbing every time i try to fucking dance!!!!
i did ballet for ten years and i miss it so much but i know it’s not a possibility for me anymore because i’m too tall and my ankles are too thin and i go to boarding school and besides i hate the way i look and having to see myself in a full length mirror is just??? hell???? and besides at the end of it i was having full on panic attacks every time i walked into that rehearsal room lmao. but like i can’t do modern either and i can’t just dance with friends or do contra at music festivals or clogging at camp either. one time for soccer practice it was storming so we did an 80s exercise tape and i had to leave practice early because i couldn’t stop crying and like??? i don’t know why this is a thing because i used to love dancing so much and i really really miss it but i just? can’t? and idk it’s really tiring because i just want to have fun!! and between that and not being able to go to movie theaters without having a panic attack there like nothing for me to do with friends so like i’m isolated even further from my community and it’s so frustrating and i’m so sick of it. and i’m trying so hard to not just let this happen? like i try to dance and i try to convince myself that it’ll work this time and that i can have fun and i can do it but then before i know it i’m crying and i have to leave and i ruin my day and everyone else’s

Originally Posted by Zelda (Post 600554)

hey kiddo, it sounds a lil like you have a phobia? and that's nothing to be ashamed of, pretty much everyone has a phobia or two, or like seven.

you can google it yourself, or if you have a therapist you could bring it up to them? but as far as i know (from my own googling adventures), a good way to start getting over a phobia is to slowly reintroduce yourself to it. Like, if you're scared of lobsters then instead of going to the store and picking up a lobster, a better idea might be to get a little stuffed animal shaped like a lobster and carry it around for a while until your comfortable with it. so with dancing, you could start by listening to dance-y music but not dancing, or sth like that.

and hey, in the mean time you could try joining sth like a reading club, or find sth like crocheting that you can spend time doing with your friends? that way you can be part of the community without hurting your mental state.

Originally Posted by Swallowtail (Post 600555)

the thing is that i’m actively trying to do that. and like the music id dance to for clogging or contra is the same music i play and listen to every day, but once i try and actually dance or like go into a space where other people are dancing it’s like....oh.....shit.. idk like i know it’ll take a while to be ok with dancing again but i’m just scared that i’ll never be okay with it again because after years of trying really hard to get back into it i’m still nowhere.
and i try to- i run knitting club and i do sports and theater and i take every class and every after school activity i possibly can, to the point where i can’t even start my homework some nights until 10:30, but i’m still so so removed from the community and these aren’t things that a lot of my friends are interested in.
idk it’s not really just that these things are issues but also that i am trying my absolute hardest to resolve these issues and they still just stay the same or get worse

but thank you so much for your reply, it really means a lot <3 also sorta weird that i never stopped to think that it could actually be a phobia not just me being difficult

Originally Posted by Zelda (Post 600605)

*ahem* i am. fucking self-centered and a little bit manipulative. and 110% done with myself. this has been going on for ages and i don't know the root and i don't know how many more freaking wikihows and self-help articles on Growing tf Up i have to read before i finally figure out how to stop acting like this.

i'm tired of coming home feeling horrible bc i once again tried to suck up as much attention as possible for myself (unintentionally or not). i'm tired of not knowing whether the feeling i'm experiencing at any given moment is legitimate or just a construct designed to get attention. i don't know if any part of me is real or valid anymore and the only time i'm not either actively seeking attention/ways to get attention or obsessing over why i do this and how to stop is when i'm writing as someone else.

anyways this vent has been bubbling in my gut for a couple months now and i'm hoping posting it will result in answers. or at least some minor alleviation of my own obsessing. you know, clearing up some brain space to think of more ways to solve this. um, but if someone knows or can think of a possible way to make this stop (even a little bit) then please tell me. send me an email or post a reply or whatever. i will try anything, i'm so fucking ready for a solution.

probably i just need someone to bitchslap me across the face and tell me to stop whining. uh.

ironically i'm also very fucking tired of using 'i' a million times a paragraph. and yet... it still infects everything i (< ) write.

Originally Posted by Zelda (Post 600605)

*ahem* i am. fucking self-centered and a little bit manipulative. and 110% done with myself. this has been going on for ages and i don't know the root and i don't know how many more freaking wikihows and self-help articles on Growing tf Up i have to read before i finally figure out how to stop acting like this.

i'm tired of coming home feeling horrible bc i once again tried to suck up as much attention as possible for myself (unintentionally or not). i'm tired of not knowing whether the feeling i'm experiencing at any given moment is legitimate or just a construct designed to get attention. i don't know if any part of me is real or valid anymore and the only time i'm not either actively seeking attention/ways to get attention or obsessing over why i do this and how to stop is when i'm writing as someone else.

anyways this vent has been bubbling in my gut for a couple months now and i'm hoping posting it will result in answers. or at least some minor alleviation of my own obsessing. you know, clearing up some brain space to think of more ways to solve this. um, but if someone knows or can think of a possible way to make this stop (even a little bit) then please tell me. send me an email or post a reply or whatever. i will try anything, i'm so fucking ready for a solution.

probably i just need someone to bitchslap me across the face and tell me to stop whining. uh.

ironically i'm also very fucking tired of using 'i' a million times a paragraph. and yet... it still infects everything i (< ) write.

Originally Posted by Swallowtail (Post 600616)

hey first i just want to say that it’s okay to think/care about yourself and you shouldn’t fee horribly guilty for being “self-centered” i’m not saying that it’s not a thing that you should work on because it’s always good to work towards self improvement but it’s also ok to think about yourself and take up space.
you might be doing that to hide your own feelings of inadequacy? i don’t know your exact situation or anything but i do know that trying to get a lot of attention is a pretty common way for people to deal with hidden low self-esteem.
but i don’t know- it’s hard to try and work towards any change of your personality- maybe ask some people who know you in real life if they feel like it’s a problems and what they think about it