ooo thanks for telling me!!

So I applied to be an RA and I didn't make it pass the first round. I think, but Idk if they send out an email with a decline as well, or if I somehow lost an email, so I might check, but I might not...
I think the biggest thing with this is just that I was totally fine if I didn't receive an offer to be an RA, but I always imagined at least getting to the individual interviews. Idk... but now I just feel nauseous which is super great seeing as though its the second week of classes and things are starting to kick up.

I'm sad

THe forums are a ghost town

THis thread stays alive?

I tried
I failed

I can't any longer

I don't have the strength

To bring you all back

Why do I still come

To the ghost town

that used to be my second home?




You know what''s ironic?

This thread is supposed to cheer people up
but being here in general
Makes me feel SO sad

I lost a part of myself
When the forums died









I am the ghost of the ghost town

you good fam? If reading through this thread upsets you, you don't have to read it.

this thread is here to let people get the things that are upsetting them off their chest and it's actually super helpful in that aspect because having an outlet like this is healthy and gives people the opportunity to express and examine their feelings and even receive advice and support from outside sources. I am not at all surprised that this thread is one of the most popular on the W/B

my parents really do love me and are good parents and I am grateful for them and really I should be more grateful to them bc they do care about me a lot and a lot of the time I feel like me feeling unsupported/unsafe really is all in my head and I need to get over it and that its all bullshit and then I come home and I realize that ive packed only very feminine clothes and feel uncomfortable wearing some of the clothes I like (and I do like skirts and makeup and being feminine! I just also like baggy shirts and big pants and boots) around them. and that ive packed all the makeup I own and am careful to remind myself that I have to wear it and that I can't cry it off at any point because I shouldn't let them see me without makeup and hair. and then im talking to my brother and he goes "yeah they don't like your hair bc they think it makes you look like a dyke" and! I just! and then I have to remind myself over and over that they aren't homophobic bc my dads sisters both have wives and they still like them and let us hang out with them all the time even if theyre more critical of their looks and their relationships than they are with other people. and that they have told me before that its ok if I like girls, but then are "glad that youre not a lesbian" and when im picking out clothes for my aunts wedding my mom tells me " well, at least its a lesbian wedding bc all those lesbians are either ugly or fat or dress weird, so at least you wont stand out" and i know i could come out to them and nothing explicitly bad would happen but..... i think it would probably strain our relationship. i shaved my head because i thought itd be fun and also? i am gay, i do like girls, and there is something kinda nice in that being a bit more visually recognizable, but i don't want to then come home and have my family criticize me for "looking like a dyke" as if that's a bad thing to look like and as if that's not what i am.
but like i feel terrible for ever complaining about my parents bc some people have it much worse (and they ARE good parents! i love them a lot!) and like i am physically safe and if i came out they would at least pretend to accept it and that's something and i should be happy for that.

god I forgot how uncomfortable I feel at home. I honestly cant remember the last time I heard either of my parents say something nice about the other. ive only been home for a day and they've been arguing with my brother and with each other the whole day. I hate how I can hear everything anyone ever says in this house even if they don't raise their voice. I don't want to be here for another three weeks I want to go back to school lol. but also I feel so guilty for just like leaving my brother here? bc I know he doesn't feel comfortable at home either and I just kinda fucked off to boarding school but he has to stay and deal with it.


also on thursday faculty finally confronted me about self harm (not well but I mean) and they wont tell my parents as long as I have regular meetings with our new school counselor (we finally got one so yay although its been five months) except? I hate therapy so much? i was trying to tell myself it'd be fine and chill and I like forgot how bad it is for me until friday when I had to go for the first time and spent the whole time shaking and wanting to hurl myself out of the window. I think she's a perfectly nice person but if I have to make time in my already v busy schedule to go talk to her about my problems my mental health will go down the drain so quickly.

also I started crying walking back to my room from it bc it freaked me out so much and my roommate tried to comfort me except then my chem teacher came in to talk to her about her self-harm and then just talked to both of us. hes really nice and i like him a lot and he understands this very well but i just felt so bad bc he made us both give him all our blades so he could throw them out and he just looked so sad about it. like i know hes so tired of taking her razors and giving students bandages and i don't want to be another kid he has to keep an eye on bc hes also mentally ill and traumatized from this fall and struggled with this himself when he was a student here. i hate that im like burdening my friends and my faculty with this fucking bullshit thing.

iroroehrhrgrghhrhh im tired

That moment when someone makes you laugh all of a sudden and then you nearly start crying because there’s the sickly, lonely feeling in your chest when you realize you can’t remember how many moths ago it was that you last genuinely laughed like that. Was it three? Five? Twelve? When did life start to lose its colors? When did the joy of being with friends become nothing more than a stressful facade? When did solitude become your natural state?
Most nagging of all, how many more months will it be before you laugh like that again?

Hehhhh sorry I know most of you guys are going through like, actual stuff. I just felt like I needed to put this somewhere so it wasn’t just in me all night.

hi your problems and issues are always worthy of attention if they are hurting you. don’t ever apologize for using the thread how it should be used.
i’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down lately. i really hope you’ll do better in the future, because you do deserve to be happy and to laugh