The Writer's Block

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-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

T.Longmire 09-30-2013 07:47 PM

I feel so awkward on here. On A/N I have conversations with people and they're the usually just a few words. So they die within 5 minutes. I don't know why, I'm just not good with talking to people on here lately. I also never post anymore. I'm basically just here /shrugs.

And school...*sighs* Life is being weird right now.

graceterry 09-30-2013 07:57 PM

I hate life sometimes. my parents are divorced one of my best friends is being homeschooled, my mother gave my puppy away after eight months or so because we hadn't gotten him house trained and he was chewing but that's what puppies do! And obviously no body loved him but me or he'd still be here. And my mom refuses to get me anything else. I have an outside dog and two cats, but cats are distant and outside dogs aren't the same. Plus I miss him
And, my mom isn't speaking to her parents or her brother, but I still want a relationship with them, but my mom makes, like, snide remarks sometimes when we come back. Plus, my dad broke up with his girlfriend and he went across country without me, and to Brazil, and I just dunno.

Timber 09-30-2013 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 497786)
<:^c

*pats you on the back* You don't know how much I understand how you feel. School was absolute torture for me, too, and I can't even IMAGINE the intense pain I'd feel if one of my current pets died. I'm so sorry, Timber. I'm just barely starting my battle with chronic depression, so I know what you mean when you say the "rocks are crumbling again." I know we don't know each other, but I feel your pain, and I'm terribly sorry.

Writing can help you get through the stress. Just jotting down a short story or a few ideas is a good distraction. <:^) Maybe try that? And, the last time one of my pets died, I wrote it a goodbye letter, just to get my feelings out and deal with them. Also...don't be afraid to cry it out. You'll feel better afterwards.

I really hope things get better for you, Timber.

Thanks...good to know at least someone cares :) maybe I will try writing again...idk

HeatherB 09-30-2013 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pluzzle (Post 497634)
Is it kind of bad that I don't really care about the safety of anything? ANimals included. For example, on the news there was something about people being killed and my parents and friends were like OH nO thaT'S So BAd!1111!!!! But I was like, oh okay.

Is it bad that I don't really feel anything towards anyone?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaggieMay (Post 497672)
That's kinda me.

same. my brain is so dead on the inside i think if you killed me there wouldn't be much of a difference in my emotions.
Quote:

Originally Posted by Puckbrina159 (Post 497773)
Found this post on Tumblr...

I’m a lesbian so i must have a crush on every girl i see.

I have alot of guy friends so i must be fucking every single one of them.

I smile alot, so i must have the perfect life.

I listen to reggae, so I must be a stoner.

My opinion matters, so I must be a bitch.

I’m comfortable with my body, so I get around?

I’m friends with a lot of guys, so I’ve must have hooked up with all of them.

I like to help out, so I must be a suck up.

I’m black, so I must be ghetto.

I’m black, so I must be stupid.

I’m Mexican, so I must be low class.

I’m bisexual, so I must get around.

I’m straight up blunt, so I must be a bitch.

I like to drink, so I must be an alcoholic.

I don’t hang out with guys, so I must be a lesbian.

I cut myself so I must be emo.

I’m bisexual, so none of my girl friends can feel safe.

I laugh and smile, so I cannot be depressed.

I like spending my day at home, so I don’t have any friends

I am gay, so i must be bullied

Most of my friends are dudes, so I must be a tomboy.

I’m on Tumblr, so I must have zero friends in real life

I’m a Muslim, so I must be a terrorist

I make alot of mistakes so I must be stupid/retarded.

I strongly defend LGBT so I must be gay.

I’m from a broken family, so I must be a rebel.

I like rasta colors, so I must smoke weed.

I’ve had sex, so I must be a slut.

I’ve made mistakes, so I must be untrustworthy.

I really love him, so I must hold on.

I’m a Filipino, so I must be a maid.

I really love him, so I must be taken for granted.

I’m a Politician, so I must be corrupt.

I’m Blonde, so I must be really stupid.

I’m wearing a black shirt, so I must be emo.

I wear make up, so I must be a flirt.

I make alot of mistakes, so I must be hated.

I am a teenager, so I must be misunderstood.

------------------------------------------------

I am freakin tired of stereotyping.
Just a couple I would like to add here:

I don't talk much, so I must be rude.

I like to read and write, so I must be boring.

I'm nice to people, so I must be a suck-up.

I don't like gym class, so I must be lazy.

GAHIHATESTEREOTYPINGOMERUVIMEIOGFDUN

can i also add: i'm asian, so i must like math/be smart in general.

i haven't even had my first kiss and no one looks at me twice how am i supposed to "get around"
stereotypes. sigh.

Puckbrina159 09-30-2013 09:29 PM

guys guys guys. Stop. Love you guys.
*glomps everyone on KP*

AlgebraAddict 09-30-2013 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 497808)
same. my brain is so dead on the inside i think if you killed me there wouldn't be much of a difference in my emotions.

can i also add: i'm asian, so i must like math/be smart in general.

i haven't even had my first kiss and no one looks at me twice how am i supposed to "get around"
stereotypes. sigh.


I like math, so I must be a total nerd and hang out with geeks all the time

I'm good with computers, so I must hack into everything I see

I'm a writer, I must have too much time on my hands

I haven't kissed anyone either *high five*. There's probably a reason you haven't wasted your first kiss on a random dick in middle school like all my friends did. And trust me, you'll eventually find someone. If they don't appreciate you, they don't deserve you.

Puckbrina159 09-30-2013 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 497816)
I like math, so I must be a total nerd and hang out with geeks all the time

I'm good with computers, so I must hack into everything I see

I'm a writer, I must have too much time on my hands

I haven't kissed anyone either *high five*. There's probably a reason you haven't wasted your first kiss on a random dick in middle school like all my friends did. And trust me, you'll eventually find someone. If they don't appreciate you, they don't deserve you.

You're both awesome. :3
And I'm 11 and I already know that I don't want to waste my first kiss on some dick. It's only going to happen once so why not make it count. :)

Lily09 09-30-2013 10:30 PM

ha im going to waste my first kiss on an attractive girl in middle school who wont take the entire relationship too seriously

LaurenM 10-01-2013 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timber (Post 497776)
I don't really want to be here...on earth I mean. I go to school, sit through torture for 7 hours and then come home and cry by myself in my room all night. I thought my depression was gone, at least it was for a little while. It was finally solved, I was finally happy and now the rocks are crumbling again. My guinea pig died yesterday I had her for 6 years and I really unbelievably miss her. Most people think oh, it was just a guinea pig, but any pet owner knows different. She was healthy and chirping in the morning then I came home and she was cold and stiff in her cage. I still can't believe it. I'm just so sad now. I'm not writing anymore I don't even know why I came on here for the first time in months...maybe to talk idk. If you've managed to read this whole thing, thank you. I just needed to tell someone. :/

I really want a pet because they don't judge. Though I never had one, I can imagine how bad it is *hugs*
Quote:

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 497808)
same. my brain is so dead on the inside i think if you killed me there wouldn't be much of a difference in my emotions.

can i also add: i'm asian, so i must like math/be smart in general.

i haven't even had my first kiss and no one looks at me twice how am i supposed to "get around"
stereotypes. sigh.

exactly
That stereotype. There's something such as a shy bisexual.
Quote:

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 497816)
I like math, so I must be a total nerd and hang out with geeks all the time

I'm good with computers, so I must hack into everything I see

I'm a writer, I must have too much time on my hands

I haven't kissed anyone either *high five*. There's probably a reason you haven't wasted your first kiss on a random dick in middle school like all my friends did. And trust me, you'll eventually find someone. If they don't appreciate you, they don't deserve you.

I want to add:
I don't study much and I'm hardly ever punctual in handing in homework, nor am I very neat and organised, but that doesn't mean my grades are crap and am a complete failure in life. I got Top 25, for god's sake.
Also:
I don't know why people always stereotype lesbians to be tomboys and gay boys to be effeminate.
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 497829)
ha im going to waste my first kiss on an attractive girl in middle school who wont take the entire relationship too seriously

I'm too awkward to kiss anybody.

rebecca 10-01-2013 02:17 PM

I hate the concept of pressing my lips to another person's. Disgusting.

TheAshWolf 10-02-2013 02:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 497816)
I like math, so I must be a total nerd and hang out with geeks all the time

I'm good with computers, so I must hack into everything I see

I'm a writer, I must have too much time on my hands

I haven't kissed anyone either *high five*. There's probably a reason you haven't wasted your first kiss on a random dick in middle school like all my friends did. And trust me, you'll eventually find someone. If they don't appreciate you, they don't deserve you.

I must add...


I have acne, so I must have bad personal hygiene and aren't trying to get rid of it.
I don't support gays, so that must make me a hateful, violent, homophobic bigot.
I believe in God, so that must mean I don't think science makes sense.
I love nature, so I must be a crazy tree hugger.
I believe animals have rights, so I must believe that we should let dogs vote for the next president and make hamburgers illegal.

EmmaR 10-02-2013 02:13 AM

I AM SO FUGGING SICK AND IT WON'T GO AWAY AND UGGGGGHHHH I JUST WANT TO TAKE A DAY OFF OF SCHOOL BUT I FUGGING CAN'T
current physical wellbeing: below the level of crap

TheAshWolf 10-02-2013 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmmaR (Post 497933)
I AM SO FUGGING SICK AND IT WON'T GO AWAY AND UGGGGGHHHH I JUST WANT TO TAKE A DAY OFF OF SCHOOL BUT I FUGGING CAN'T
current physical wellbeing: below the level of crap

What are you symptoms, may I ask? D: *hands you box of tissues* I'm sorry, Emma. I hope you feel better soon. I know a few tricks to get rid of colds quicker, you know...

EmmaR 10-02-2013 02:21 AM

Come-and-go fever throughout the day, sinus pressure, congestion in nose, ears, and throat, sore throat, chills, fatigue. Just overall crappiness.
I'm just going to take tomorrow off I've decided. I'm emailing my teachers now to tell them that I'm not going to be at school.

TheAshWolf 10-02-2013 02:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmmaR (Post 497938)
Come-and-go fever throughout the day, sinus pressure, congestion in nose, ears, and throat, sore throat, chills, fatigue. Just overall crappiness.
I'm just going to take tomorrow off I've decided. I'm emailing my teachers now to tell them that I'm not going to be at school.

Good grief! O_O You DESERVE to take a day off school. Heck, I think you HAVE to. You just can't learn anything or be productive when you're like this. X_X

Hot tea with lemon and/or honey is a good remedy for throat issues. Also the generic drink-lots-of-water advice is appropriate. And zinc tablets help, too. Just try to get some sleep and don't worry about school, okay? <:^)

LaurenM 10-02-2013 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 497865)
I hate the concept of pressing my lips to another person's. Disgusting.

Hugs ftw.
Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 497929)
I must add...


I have acne, so I must have bad personal hygiene and aren't trying to get rid of it.
I don't support gays, so that must make me a hateful, violent, homophobic bigot.
I believe in God, so that must mean I don't think science makes sense.
I love nature, so I must be a crazy tree hugger.
I believe animals have rights, so I must believe that we should let dogs vote for the next president and make hamburgers illegal.

I admit that I've stereotyped the second one before, but basically yeah.
Quote:

Originally Posted by EmmaR (Post 497938)
Come-and-go fever throughout the day, sinus pressure, congestion in nose, ears, and throat, sore throat, chills, fatigue. Just overall crappiness.
I'm just going to take tomorrow off I've decided. I'm emailing my teachers now to tell them that I'm not going to be at school.

And I thought having a cough and runny nose and period was bad...
*hugs because disease can't go through cyberly...I...hope...*
Hehe there's a hand foot mouth disease thing in my school building.

Puckbrina159 10-02-2013 08:53 AM

Aaaaaaaand I'm sick. See, this is why school is a bad idea. People come to school sick and get the whole school sick. I barely slept last night, I have probably the worst headache I've ever had and my throat is scratchy.
*sighs* I'm so tired.

EDIT: guys I'm watching Dora because there's nothing to do. The sexual tension between Dora and Boots though.

AlgebraAddict 10-02-2013 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 497829)
ha im going to waste my first kiss on an attractive girl in middle school who wont take the entire relationship too seriously


Okay that works too. XD

I WANT MY FIRST KISS IN THE RAIN.

rebecca 10-02-2013 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 497967)
Hugs ftw.

I hate hugs too. I basically detest most forms of physical contact from anyone but family. I don't even hug my best friend.

LaurenM 10-02-2013 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 497981)
I hate hugs too. I basically detest most forms of physical contact from anyone but family. I don't even hug my best friend.

I love hugs a lot.

LaurenM 10-02-2013 01:14 PM

HOW DO I FACE MY LIFE
I'm so conflicted about everything. I want to continue athletics but I feel so lonely in the team since I stopped being friends with a girl last year's summer...and pretty much fell out with everyone. The school team's...okay. I don't fit in in my school. I used to, but my friend's turned really prissy, a girl used to be fun but is now a bit boring, and my only real friend in my class can sometimes be demeaning. Very. Though I doubt she intends to. We used to bicker a lot but now I really take offence. My best friend at school studies way too much and worries a lot and I feel bad for her. My other friend is awesomely sarcastic, but we aren't that close, and another girl, who's a year older than I am, is cutting because she's facing problems similar to mine. The three people I'd just mentioned are not in my class. My really good friend is boarding in England. I suppose I have other friends who I can chat amiably with, but not that close.
I don't feel like doing anything with athletics but I want to continue with it at the same time. I don't feel like doing anything with my life.

rebecca 10-02-2013 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 497984)
HOW DO I FACE MY LIFE
I'm so conflicted about everything. I want to continue athletics but I feel so lonely in the team since I stopped being friends with a girl last year's summer...and pretty much fell out with everyone. The school team's...okay. I don't fit in in my school. I used to, but my friend's turned really prissy, a girl used to be fun but is now a bit boring, and my only real friend in my class can sometimes be demeaning. Very. Though I doubt she intends to. We used to bicker a lot but now I really take offence. My best friend at school studies way too much and worries a lot and I feel bad for her. My other friend is awesomely sarcastic, but we aren't that close, and another girl, who's a year older than I am, is cutting because she's facing problems similar to mine. The three people I'd just mentioned are not in my class. My really good friend is boarding in England. I suppose I have other friends who I can chat amiably with, but not that close.
I don't feel like doing anything with athletics but I want to continue with it at the same time. I don't feel like doing anything with my life.

As a great philosopher (me) once said, the best way to face life is out of shear stubbornness because if you don't, you will die alone and probably in a special hospital.

LaurenM 10-02-2013 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 497996)
As a great philosopher (me) once said, the best way to face life is out of shear stubbornness because if you don't, you will die alone and probably in a special hospital.

*sheer
Tired.
I want to stay off school then.

lvhamsters 10-03-2013 12:57 AM

Okay. I really need to put this somewhere. All of it. All of it has just been plaguing my mind the past week or two and this is the only place to get it all out. So I put it in small letters 'cause this may be long. In fact, that's a good place to start. The reason why this is the only place I can get it out. I kinda feel selfish saying this, but to all of my friends I'm the go-to person when they're sad and need to vent. It's always been that way. Even when I didn't exactly feel like talking to them about stuff, I always listened to them and gave them advice. Well.... actually I'm not so good at advice, but I did give them a whole bunch of sympathy. Maybe that's what they wanted in the first place. It always seemed to please them. Anyways, so that's the reason I post on here all the time. Everyone in my life assumes that I'm perfectly happy and that nothing is wrong at all. Even when I try to reach out, I'm pushed back to where I belong. One time I tried talking to my friend about stuff and she replied back with a simple "ok". Is she okay with me dealing with my own problems in whatever way, however bad, I can? Is she okay just using me to deal with my own stuff? Does she think I have no reason to complain about life?
'Cause I do. At least, I think I do. Compared to some people's problems, mine are stupid and small. Truthfully, I think my main issue is loneliness. My number of friends is pretty limited, and yeah, I'm perfectly happy with them. If they were the only people left on earth I would be fine. But it kinda hurts when you're hanging out with your best friend at school at lunch time and your wandering around and your best friend starts chatting with her other friends. Eventually, as you walk through the halls, your pushed to the back to walk alone. When it came to that I just turned and left and sat on a bench somewhere. And you know what hurt the most? That it wasn't even my best friend that noticed I was gone. It was her boyfriend. And that was a half hour later. The thing is I don't want to tell her about any of that to her face. I don't want to lose her as a friend. We've been friends for 12 straight years now. It would crush me to lose her.
But when it comes to loneliness friends aren't the only issue. There's also family. I think this is also the reason that I'm so quiet; why I'm so introverted. So I guess it's best to start early along in the story. When I was pretty young my dad went oversea's for six months because he was in the military. That's the longest time my dad's been away. Ever since then we moved a couple times, though the last time I moved was like 7 years ago or something. So ever since my dad retired from the military he's been a pilot and now he's only home about one day a week. Sometimes he's even gone a month or more at a time. Meh. Not to mention my mom works about 8 hours a day. I know that I'm lucky that my parent's are still together and that I even have both parents, but it's almost like I don't. They're both always gone and my brother and I are left at home to just be alone. So that's my theory as to why I'm so quiet. I've gotten used to the silence around the house and I like it that way. I find myself annoyed in crowded areas and I can't focus if there's even a tiny noise.
I just really wish things were different. I just wish that these sad spells would end. This is the worst one I've had. When I was little I used to look in the mirror and imagine what I'd be like-who I'd be- when I got older. This is certainly not what I'd been imagining. I wasn't imagining life to be so sad and there to be so much hatred for myself inside me.
Gosh, I sound annoying.
I'm sorry for all of this. I also feel like I post too much on this thread don't respond enough, so it's my new goal to just stop posting on this thread and give more advice. Maybe that will help my advice-building skills. Meh. K bye.

TheAshWolf 10-03-2013 02:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pluzzle (Post 498094)
I don't like hugging my friends either, but I'm practically forced into it. Oh well.

I actually love hugs. I just have major trust issues. So, basically, you can determine how much I trust someone and how close of a friend they are to me by hugs. I'll either constantly hug someone to death or stay at least 5 feet away from them at all times.

rebecca 10-03-2013 03:06 AM

There is one boy, a definite weirdo with really greasy hair, very few social skills, and stuffses, who I have become friends with. However, he is obsessed with hugs and has decided he wants to hug me. Currently I cheated him into a peace treaty that says he cannot make any physical contact, unless unavoidable, and in turn, I cannot mock his hair, handwriting or possible mental illnesses (he's obsessed with killing people and has an evil laugh, ok? Politically incorrect I know). I did slip in some not-very-small-print that, making use of catch-22, means he must obey all rules but I can do whatever I want.

But seriously, I do not want to hug him, even though he is my friend.

evasong 10-03-2013 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 498120)
There is one boy, a definite weirdo with really greasy hair, very few social skills, and stuffses, who I have become friends with. However, he is obsessed with hugs and has decided he wants to hug me. Currently I cheated him into a peace treaty that says he cannot make any physical contact, unless unavoidable, and in turn, I cannot mock his hair, handwriting or possible mental illnesses (he's obsessed with killing people and has an evil laugh, ok? Politically incorrect I know). I did slip in some not-very-small-print that, making use of catch-22, means he must obey all rules but I can do whatever I want.

But seriously, I do not want to hug him, even though he is my friend.



I'm sorry, but is your name Lily?


Because this guy sounds a whole lot like Severus Snape.

rebecca 10-03-2013 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by evasong (Post 498124)
I'm sorry, but is your name Lily?


Because this guy sounds a whole lot like Severus Snape.

He's not. Firstly, my name is Rebecca, secondly, this guy is asexual, therefore suffers from no such feelings, and thirdly I have the most impressive indifference to Harry Potter it is...well, impressive.

AlgebraAddict 10-03-2013 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 498120)
There is one boy, a definite weirdo with really greasy hair, very few social skills, and stuffses, who I have become friends with. However, he is obsessed with hugs and has decided he wants to hug me. Currently I cheated him into a peace treaty that says he cannot make any physical contact, unless unavoidable, and in turn, I cannot mock his hair, handwriting or possible mental illnesses (he's obsessed with killing people and has an evil laugh, ok? Politically incorrect I know). I did slip in some not-very-small-print that, making use of catch-22, means he must obey all rules but I can do whatever I want.

But seriously, I do not want to hug him, even though he is my friend.



Did you guys sign? XD

TheAshWolf 10-03-2013 09:29 PM

Depression sucks.
Sometimes I think I hate myself.
Also, I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up literally every single thing that I attempt to do. I'm not quite sure why, but it's getting kind of annoying. x_x

L.S.Trendom 10-03-2013 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 498162)
Depression sucks.
Sometimes I think I hate myself.
Also, I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up literally every single thing that I attempt to do. I'm not quite sure why, but it's getting kind of annoying. x_x

it does.
you shouldn't hate yourself you're great. *hugs*
you won't. you've done tons of things right c:

HeatherB 10-03-2013 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 498163)
it does.
you shouldn't hate yourself you're great. *hugs*
you won't. you've done tons of things right c:

hey isaac, this goes for you too.

Lily09 10-03-2013 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by evasong (Post 498124)
I'm sorry, but is your name Lily?


Because this guy sounds a whole lot like Severus Snape.

omg xDD

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 498130)
He's not. Firstly, my name is Rebecca, secondly, this guy is asexual, therefore suffers from no such feelings, and thirdly I have the most impressive indifference to Harry Potter it is...well, impressive.

Actually, asexual is just not feeling the need to have sex. you can still be asexual while having romantic feelings.

Sandy 10-03-2013 09:52 PM

watch out: cursing. sorry :(
 
My low self worth is finally starting to affect/change my life.
Does this mean it finally qualifies as a mental illness?
I'm suffocated by how absolutely worthless I am. I don't even deserve to be considered worthless, if that makes sense? I don't deserve any thought, and I'm shocked when someone actually gives me any. I'm just so mentally and physically sick of myself and my life and my inability to live. I don't even have the energy to be afraid of my future, which is undoubtedly going to be full of shit like this. I'm so sick. I'm so sick of this. And I'm pathetic for thinking like this. Everywhere I turn, I remind myself how pathetic I am. What a little bitch I am. I can't deal with my own problems, but I can't bring myself to want to burden anyone else with them.
I always believed I was worthless as a little kid. I was constantly guilty for being alive, and although I've never wanted to die, I'd always wish I'd never been born at all. I was so anxious, waiting for myself to screw something up again, piss someone off again, prove to myself again that I wasn't worth being alive. Nothing's changed. I can say that this attitude has been completely preserved, eight or so years later. There is nothing that can convince me that the future won't be like this too. Me, dragging myself through a life that means nothing to me. I'm exactly like everyone else--in a world of over nine billion people, what does my life matter? Wouldn't everyone be better off without me? Should I die? I'm less than nothing, I'm a negative number of a person, just draining money and resources and energy from the people around me, the people who actually give a shit about me, the people I care about. No one would care if I was gone. Maybe people would benefit from me being gone.
Am I really going to kill myself?
Everything around me is so dead. It's mutual deadness, from both me and from the world around me.
My head is so full of ugliness. I feel like there's tumours and ulcers and disease inside me, feeding off of my inability to live.
Today my art teacher let me play with her copic markers.
I got so unbelievably excited about it. It was something new. Something I could do instead of rotting away for another 75 minutes of my life.
I'm such a little bitch. I whine and complain about everything, and when I'm not doing that, I'm having some kind of fucked up panic attack. I've been struggling to get over my fear of violence, and all along the way I've been berating myself for not being stronger. What would people say, if they found out about how pathetic I am? I can't keep my shit together when people start yelling at each other. I get flashbacks, I get nauseous, I start shaking. What the hell is wrong with me? Two idiots got into a yelling match on the bus ride home two weeks ago, and I was frozen in my seat, unable to even look back at them, terrified. My bus driver screamed something at them, and I couldn't believe it. How could he do that? How were other people not afraid? How did he have the guts to break them up? How could he just jupm in like that, and why couldn't I do that? Why couldn't I just sit there without getting flashbacks and wanting to throw up? I don't understand. I hate myself so much, I have panic attacks when my dog fucking hides under the bed and I can't find her for like five minutes. How the fuck am I supposed to handle normal life? I'm not a fucking 50-year-old war veteran with PSTD who gets triggered when they hear loud noises, I'm a 15-year-old with a normal life, why can't I keep my fucking shit together? Why??? I don't understand I usndont understand
The only thing that gives me the determination to stay alive is maybe, just maybe, I'll do something good for someone in the shitty, mediocre future that's ahead of me. Maybe I'll get married--(I'm expecting that'll go wrong too too, like everything else, like every other marriage I've ever seen ever, and I'll end up even more fucked up than before). Maybe I'll save someone's life. Maybe I'll find something, someone worth living for. But the chances of me actually not being a piece of shit are so unbelievably low, I'm not sure why I even try.
Next week I have to help a kid learn how to read in French/English. They come from a non-Anglophone family and I'm nervous as fuck, I've been flipping out since I found out yesterday. What the hell am I gonna do? Walk up to the parents and be like "ohonhonhon baguette eiffel tower, omelette du fromage"? I'm going to sit there reading in French whilst shitting my pants because I have no idea what I'm doing. My friends think I can do it, though, and deep down, I think I can do it, and I guess whoever read my application form thinks I can do it, and apparently I'm the most qualified for it, but wow. i'm so so nervous. i don't know if i can do this.
i can't do anything.

Sandy 10-03-2013 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 498169)
My low self worth is finally starting to affect/change my life.
Does this mean it finally qualifies as a mental illness?
I'm suffocated by how absolutely worthless I am. I don't even deserve to be considered worthless, if that makes sense? I don't deserve any thought, and I'm shocked when someone actually gives me any. I'm just so mentally and physically sick of myself and my life and my inability to live. I don't even have the energy to be afraid of my future, which is undoubtedly going to be full of shit like this. I'm so sick. I'm so sick of this. And I'm pathetic for thinking like this. Everywhere I turn, I remind myself how pathetic I am. What a little bitch I am. I can't deal with my own problems, but I can't bring myself to want to burden anyone else with them.
I always believed I was worthless as a little kid. I was constantly guilty for being alive, and although I've never wanted to die, I'd always wish I'd never been born at all. I was so anxious, waiting for myself to screw something up again, piss someone off again, prove to myself again that I wasn't worth being alive. Nothing's changed. I can say that this attitude has been completely preserved, eight or so years later. There is nothing that can convince me that the future won't be like this too. Me, dragging myself through a life that means nothing to me. I'm exactly like everyone else--in a world of over nine billion people, what does my life matter? Wouldn't everyone be better off without me? Should I die? I'm less than nothing, I'm a negative number of a person, just draining money and resources and energy from the people around me, the people who actually give a shit about me, the people I care about. No one would care if I was gone. Maybe people would benefit from me being gone.
Am I really going to kill myself?
Everything around me is so dead. It's mutual deadness, from both me and from the world around me.
My head is so full of ugliness. I feel like there's tumours and ulcers and disease inside me, feeding off of my inability to live.
Today my art teacher let me play with her copic markers.
I got so unbelievably excited about it. It was something new. Something I could do instead of rotting away for another 75 minutes of my life.
I'm such a little bitch. I whine and complain about everything, and when I'm not doing that, I'm having some kind of fucked up panic attack. I've been struggling to get over my fear of violence, and all along the way I've been berating myself for not being stronger. What would people say, if they found out about how pathetic I am? I can't keep my shit together when people start yelling at each other. I get flashbacks, I get nauseous, I start shaking. What the hell is wrong with me? Two idiots got into a yelling match on the bus ride home two weeks ago, and I was frozen in my seat, unable to even look back at them, terrified. My bus driver screamed something at them, and I couldn't believe it. How could he do that? How were other people not afraid? How did he have the guts to break them up? How could he just jupm in like that, and why couldn't I do that? Why couldn't I just sit there without getting flashbacks and wanting to throw up? I don't understand. I hate myself so much, I have panic attacks when my dog fucking hides under the bed and I can't find her for like five minutes. How the fuck am I supposed to handle normal life? I'm not a fucking 50-year-old war veteran with PSTD who gets triggered when they hear loud noises, I'm a 15-year-old with a normal life, why can't I keep my fucking shit together? Why??? I don't understand I usndont understand
The only thing that gives me the determination to stay alive is maybe, just maybe, I'll do something good for someone in the shitty, mediocre future that's ahead of me. Maybe I'll get married--(I'm expecting that'll go wrong too too, like everything else, like every other marriage I've ever seen ever, and I'll end up even more fucked up than before). Maybe I'll save someone's life. Maybe I'll find something, someone worth living for. But the chances of me actually not being a piece of shit are so unbelievably low, I'm not sure why I even try.
Next week I have to help a kid learn how to read in French/English. They come from a non-Anglophone family and I'm nervous as fuck, I've been flipping out since I found out yesterday. What the hell am I gonna do? Walk up to the parents and be like "ohonhonhon baguette eiffel tower, omelette du fromage"? I'm going to sit there reading in French whilst shitting my pants because I have no idea what I'm doing. My friends think I can do it, though, and deep down, I think I can do it, and I guess whoever read my application form thinks I can do it, and apparently I'm the most qualified for it, but wow. i'm so so nervous. i don't know if i can do this.
i can't do anything.


i guess you could say the only good thing about my personality is that i'm so unbelievably slow to anger. despite how worthless and useless and absolutely horrible i am, i dont snap at people. i don't yell, i dont raise my voice, the closest to an angry thing you'd ever hear from me would be some kind of subtly sarcastic comment that'd i'd still manage to twist into friendly banter. it's like i save allll my anger for myself. all my loathing is for me. i save every hateful thing and word and thought for myself.
one of my friends got pissed off and started yelling at me for no reason. i just happened to be in front of her and she just started yelling at me. i'm kind of proud that i didn't get scared, and i'm really proud that i was able to tell her off. i just said "why are you yelling at me?" and she stopped but i'm still happy. i didn't just put my head down and take it like i normally do. and i guess i can feel good that i don't do that; i don't look at someone and just lose my calm.
it's the only thing i'm really holding onto. despite everything, despite how low i am, i'm stable.
oh god
i'm so
i don't know
maybe that doesn't make me as worthless as i thought
i'm slowly making progress, i guess. inching away from being the hysteric bucket of panic and nerves that i used to be.
i still dont know what made me this way, but i know it's not normal to feel like this. no one else i know has wanted to not be alive so sincerely for this long. why am i such a freak

AlgebraAddict 10-03-2013 11:18 PM

I know this may not mean much, but your amazing quality as a writer and an author and your steady perseverance at being a good person whilst surrounded by all this shit has already affected me and will continue to affect others. You're one of the strongest people I know, even if you don't know it yet.

TheAshWolf 10-04-2013 02:07 AM

To Dansy:
 
Sandy, I'm going to respond to your vents. This might take me a while because I have a lot to say. So just keep an eye out for my response, okay? I probably won't give it to you on KP, though.

But I will say this, right up front:

You matter to me. I know that it sounds crazy; thinking someone half a continent away cares about you. But it's true. You. Matter. To. Me. Do you know what I would do if you died???? Do you?! Well, I hope you know, because, I don't have the slightest freaking idea WHAT I'd do. I mean....just...asdfghj. I'll explain more in my full response. But, just...Sandy.... x__x *giant bear hug* You have worth, okay?

rebecca 10-04-2013 02:53 AM

Quote:

Did you just say you don't like (have an indifference to) Harry Potter?

We really are twins. (*wipes a tear*)
Yeah, by the time I even glanced at Harry Potter, I had devoured books such as The Lord of the Rings, the Silmarillion, Catch-22, Dracula, Frankenstein and the Three Musketeers. So Harry Potter just felt plain childish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 498167)



Actually, asexual is just not feeling the need to have sex. you can still be asexual while having romantic feelings.

I know that. I just also know this dude is not romantically attached to me. End of story.

TheAshWolf 10-04-2013 04:08 AM

Awake and Alive by Skillet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aRlxHtB0pg

This is my new--and permanent--theme song.

LaurenM 10-04-2013 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 498169)
My low self worth is finally starting to affect/change my life.
Does this mean it finally qualifies as a mental illness?
I'm suffocated by how absolutely worthless I am. I don't even deserve to be considered worthless, if that makes sense? I don't deserve any thought, and I'm shocked when someone actually gives me any. I'm just so mentally and physically sick of myself and my life and my inability to live. I don't even have the energy to be afraid of my future, which is undoubtedly going to be full of shit like this. I'm so sick. I'm so sick of this. And I'm pathetic for thinking like this. Everywhere I turn, I remind myself how pathetic I am. What a little bitch I am. I can't deal with my own problems, but I can't bring myself to want to burden anyone else with them.
I always believed I was worthless as a little kid. I was constantly guilty for being alive, and although I've never wanted to die, I'd always wish I'd never been born at all. I was so anxious, waiting for myself to screw something up again, piss someone off again, prove to myself again that I wasn't worth being alive. Nothing's changed. I can say that this attitude has been completely preserved, eight or so years later. There is nothing that can convince me that the future won't be like this too. Me, dragging myself through a life that means nothing to me. I'm exactly like everyone else--in a world of over nine billion people, what does my life matter? Wouldn't everyone be better off without me? Should I die? I'm less than nothing, I'm a negative number of a person, just draining money and resources and energy from the people around me, the people who actually give a shit about me, the people I care about. No one would care if I was gone. Maybe people would benefit from me being gone.
Am I really going to kill myself?
Everything around me is so dead. It's mutual deadness, from both me and from the world around me.
My head is so full of ugliness. I feel like there's tumours and ulcers and disease inside me, feeding off of my inability to live.
Today my art teacher let me play with her copic markers.
I got so unbelievably excited about it. It was something new. Something I could do instead of rotting away for another 75 minutes of my life.
I'm such a little bitch. I whine and complain about everything, and when I'm not doing that, I'm having some kind of fucked up panic attack. I've been struggling to get over my fear of violence, and all along the way I've been berating myself for not being stronger. What would people say, if they found out about how pathetic I am? I can't keep my shit together when people start yelling at each other. I get flashbacks, I get nauseous, I start shaking. What the hell is wrong with me? Two idiots got into a yelling match on the bus ride home two weeks ago, and I was frozen in my seat, unable to even look back at them, terrified. My bus driver screamed something at them, and I couldn't believe it. How could he do that? How were other people not afraid? How did he have the guts to break them up? How could he just jupm in like that, and why couldn't I do that? Why couldn't I just sit there without getting flashbacks and wanting to throw up? I don't understand. I hate myself so much, I have panic attacks when my dog fucking hides under the bed and I can't find her for like five minutes. How the fuck am I supposed to handle normal life? I'm not a fucking 50-year-old war veteran with PSTD who gets triggered when they hear loud noises, I'm a 15-year-old with a normal life, why can't I keep my fucking shit together? Why??? I don't understand I usndont understand
The only thing that gives me the determination to stay alive is maybe, just maybe, I'll do something good for someone in the shitty, mediocre future that's ahead of me. Maybe I'll get married--(I'm expecting that'll go wrong too too, like everything else, like every other marriage I've ever seen ever, and I'll end up even more fucked up than before). Maybe I'll save someone's life. Maybe I'll find something, someone worth living for. But the chances of me actually not being a piece of shit are so unbelievably low, I'm not sure why I even try.
Next week I have to help a kid learn how to read in French/English. They come from a non-Anglophone family and I'm nervous as fuck, I've been flipping out since I found out yesterday. What the hell am I gonna do? Walk up to the parents and be like "ohonhonhon baguette eiffel tower, omelette du fromage"? I'm going to sit there reading in French whilst shitting my pants because I have no idea what I'm doing. My friends think I can do it, though, and deep down, I think I can do it, and I guess whoever read my application form thinks I can do it, and apparently I'm the most qualified for it, but wow. i'm so so nervous. i don't know if i can do this.
i can't do anything.

You can do this. The only thing that's stopping you is your lack of confidence.
I'm a bit confused, though. I saw a short story you wrote and it was seriously gory, yet you have a fear of violence...?
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 498172)

i guess you could say the only good thing about my personality is that i'm so unbelievably slow to anger. despite how worthless and useless and absolutely horrible i am, i dont snap at people. i don't yell, i dont raise my voice, the closest to an angry thing you'd ever hear from me would be some kind of subtly sarcastic comment that'd i'd still manage to twist into friendly banter. it's like i save allll my anger for myself. all my loathing is for me. i save every hateful thing and word and thought for myself.
one of my friends got pissed off and started yelling at me for no reason. i just happened to be in front of her and she just started yelling at me. i'm kind of proud that i didn't get scared, and i'm really proud that i was able to tell her off. i just said "why are you yelling at me?" and she stopped but i'm still happy. i didn't just put my head down and take it like i normally do. and i guess i can feel good that i don't do that; i don't look at someone and just lose my calm.
it's the only thing i'm really holding onto. despite everything, despite how low i am, i'm stable.
oh god
i'm so
i don't know
maybe that doesn't make me as worthless as i thought
i'm slowly making progress, i guess. inching away from being the hysteric bucket of panic and nerves that i used to be.
i still dont know what made me this way, but i know it's not normal to feel like this. no one else i know has wanted to not be alive so sincerely for this long. why am i such a freak

you are not a freak
Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 498192)
Yeah, by the time I even glanced at Harry Potter, I had devoured books such as The Lord of the Rings, the Silmarillion, Catch-22, Dracula, Frankenstein and the Three Musketeers. So Harry Potter just felt plain childish.



I know that. I just also know this dude is not romantically attached to me. End of story.

Then adding that bit about asexuality was redundant.


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