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ARGH. This girl is the most shallow, conceited imbecile that I have ever met. My IQ lowers whenever I hear her speak.
Her: "If you were a guy, would you think I was sexy?" A: "Well, M said your nose is big..... Me: *holds back a rude comment* Her: "Well, he's fat and short!" *headdesk* I'm ashamed to be a teenager. XD |
I haven't been on WB in a while, and I haven't been on KP in FOREVER. And it's back. That's not the reason, though, the reason is my dad suddenly caring about how much goddamn time I spend on my computer when I have schoolwork to do, and the only reason I'm getting away with typing this right now is because I'm pretending it's homework when in fact it obviously is not, and yaddayaddablahs---y'alldon'tcareabout. The reason why it's back? That's a more complicated reason. My mind has abruptly taken to the oh-so-kind idea that my name, 'Heather,' should be replaced with 'B----,' and I didn't exactly object to that. Then it told me that I was an attention-seeking, self-centered idiot, and what do you know, I couldn't find fault with that sorry piece of information either. That's another reason I haven't been on, or posting about this stuff, because it's trying to drown me and (13DTM reference) I am not f---ing invincible. I'm so close to the shore, the mainland, that I can see it, tantalizingly close, and yet the waves keep pulling me in and out, pushing, pulling, pushing, pulling and I'm constantly trapped and the tide never comes in on my emotion ocean (look a lame rhyme) or whatever crap metaphor this even is. And now my mom's yelling at me to get ready for bed, and I'll do that, but I have to finish this first. I went to one of those idiotic high school orientation thingies last night, at a high school that I reallyreallyreally want to get into, REALLY, dragged along by my parents who thought it would be a good idea for me to see what I was getting myself into and to have some 'encouragement.' WELL HAHAHAHAHA. That was possibly the most discouraging thing someone could've ever told me to make me think that I wouldn't get into this high school. So now I'm depressed about that, I had a test today and all I can hear are the speaker's words from last night every grade counts but the fact of the matter is, there were only nine questions on the goddamn test and that means each is worth like 10 percent of my final grade on that and probably more, so if I even f---ed up on ONE I pretty much blew it. Then there's the whole math problem that I won't get into too much, but the boys are being even stupider than before if that's even possible and the teacher isn't grading homework fairly and the entire thing makes me want to scream. THEN on top of all this school pressurepressurepressure and s---, there's my depression, which is definitely back for obvious reasons, and MIRA I MISS YOU OKAY PLEASE COME BACK because it's like I can't talk to anybody about this f---ed up s--- and I want you to come back so you can remind me how to laugh and actually be happy like a proper human being. I seriously don't mean any offense to anyone (coughcoughSophiecoughcough) who's reading this who goes to my school and is a completely awesome friend when I say I can't talk to you about this and I say you don't make me happy, because that's not it. It's not personal. It's not even really about Mira, but, Soph, you're not in 8A and you're not in Geometry and so I can't talk to you during class at least about this stuff, and yeah. Just, don't feel guilty, okay? NONE OF YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR MY PERSONAL MESSED-UP SHITLIFE, I WILL BECOME EVEN MORE DEPRESSED IF YOU DO. Okay? Okay. So, gravy. I've gotten all this off my chest and I feel about a nanometer better, if you know what I mean (if you don't, get a science textbook for Physics class and learn it because this is actually pretty cool stuff and I don't even know why I'm complaining--see what I mean about being a self-centered b----?). I have to do all of my piano homework in one night because I forgot my lesson was tomorrow, though, so if you'll excuse me I'll end this stupid bitching rant and just forget about all this and go pound on my keyboard for a couple o' minutes.
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I don't know why The idea of myself exploding seems pretty inviting.
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You can still be alone if you have "hundreds of friends". You can still feel alone or feel misunderstood. Maybe she feels as if you aren't her best friend. Just sayin'. |
I hate being a teenager.
If I could just scream and have someone listen... If EVERY teenager could do that.. Then life would be SO much easier. For everybody. |
The problem is, I can't have someone listen. Even if it's a person I know I can trust. I'd just feel stupid and hopelessly needy.
Besides, I'm not even sure what I'm frustrated about, aside from homework. Maybe it's just homework. |
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M UP SO LATE JFKJBSFHJGVSFHGV. 8D
(In retrospect, drinking two giant glasses of Coke and eating cookies PROBABLY wasn't a good idea...>_< I'm neeeeeeever going to fall asleep, nao. 8D HEHEHEHEHEHEEHEEEEEH.) |
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We're... what are we doing? o-o I think we're factoring algebra right now... we just finished doing the algebra tiles thing, and expanding, which was super easy. :P |
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Right now....oh, gosh, I don't even KNOW what we're doing. T_T I think it's mainly solving variables on both sides of an equation, which I can KIND OF sorta do, but then there's function sets and the three variables of a real number and bllergelblagelblubblekablahablor. *bangs head against Math textbook* |
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Moar fatness stuff... ._. I'm so immature
I don't understand why I can't eat and be happy. :/ Why I can't move on from this already. I'm swinging around and soon the six month mark will be hitting me. Six months with... this. x_x
Isn't that like Italian culture or something? Eat and be happy? I wish it were that simple for me. Lately I have been eating a little bit more after I spoke to my mom about some stuff that she said was happening because of malnutrition... but how can I be malnourished if I'm fat? I mean... the logical part of my brain knows exactly how that can happen (not enough nutrients in high-calorie food, plus the massive amount of coffee I drink draws nutrients from bone) but the stupid part just can't process information like this for some reason. Every day I wish that I could just go back to the way things used to be... but that would mean opening my arms again to being twenty pounds overweight... that is, if I'm not there already. It kind of started when I noticed this one-pound gain (I know, like I said, I'm stupid. I'm freaking retarded), but I didn't think it could be water weight because the only liquid I had been consuming was coffee for about a week because water was going to increase my weight (without adding to it) for no good reason while coffee brings it down (it increases metabolism and kind of sweeps all the water out of you). It kind of went down from there, and I'm taking a break from stepping on the scale, even though I really want to. I know it's not good for me. But then stuff started to crumble... I realized that life has no meaning, that there was no point in me being here, and I still know that there isn't, I'm just living on shreds of hope. (As out of character as this may seem for me, I'm one of those people whose lives would be fulfilled if they got married to the person they were meant to be with for the rest of their life, y'know, kind of like the guy from Up. It's really weird, and yes, I'm fully aware that that's not coming for a long time (XD) but I'm still totally aware that this would make life seem... not futile. Now I know that there are many things wrong with this because I am convinced that, because I am "so fat" and "so ugly" (in quotes because I am fully aware that this is irrational) I see this as being impossible, so I kind of just... I don't know. I wanted to die, what was the point of going through another pointless life, one of millions, all for nothing? (I don't see the purpose of doing things unless there is something to gain; I'm kind of like Kyoya from OHSHC.) I told my mom about this, as expected she got mad for the first little while but then she told me that it was because I was malnutritioned *yeah right*. I was still the same weight, I still looked the same, if not fatter, so how was that possible. ._. Whatever... but I decided to give it a try, so the day after (yesterday) I ate a huge amount of food, lol, and regretted nothing, I was so epically full it looked like I was preggers. XD XD DX *why am I proud of that* I felt good (besides being unable to move) and pretty happy, I guess, so I wondered if things would change. This morning I had a pretty big breakfast I guess, larger than usual but still not very large, y'know, and... (sigh) I feel like crap. Not because of eating or anything (well, yes, because of eating... just... wait x_x) but because I can't make up my mind. I can't decide whether I want to stop eating more and start cutting down again (800 calories per day at the max), like I was before, and pray to whatever's out there that I lose the pounds that I'm certain I've gained, or keep going like this (I don't know, last night felt like 2500 calories in one meal XD XD XD not doing that again, lol) I'm not sure how either will end. I don't feel "fat"... I just feel uncertain. Probably because at this point, it was not so much as to lose weight as it was to keep control of how I felt about myself... I wish I could see myself as Cassandra... Cassandra the person. Not 130 the number. But I'm sure that I'm more than that now... 135, 140... (rational mind: although I don't understand how that could work since weight gain occurs over a long period of time, if I gained anything it would be water weight fluctuations... ._.) |
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Uhhh, not tired. I AM PUMPED! 8V
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No matter WHAT you say, no matter how many points you think you make about how stupid you are or ugly or bitchy or WHATEVER... it's all inside of you. Not once, once in my life, have I looked at you and thought, "What a bitch." Okay? Never. You know what? Sometimes someone makes you angry, and you kinda shut them out for a while and read. But you're happy and laughy again within SECONDS. And don't effin' CARE if you're not happy and laughy on the inside (ok, that sounds harsh, I'll explain in a sec), because what everyone else sees is who you are, beyond all this depressingish junk. You're bright and colorful and brilliant and beautiful... and that's how everyone sees you. Everyone. Hell, I remember when I first met you. 4th session of Circus Camp 2010, 2nd week. You missed the first week because your your dad (:(), and you were coming in late. Everyone was gushing about how Heather was coming back, and since I was new and stunk at everything, I was jealous. I was all, "WHO DIS HEATHER AND WHY EVERYONE LIAK HER INSTEAD OF MEE." But then you came in. Skipping. Smiling, no braces. Pigtails. You looked the happiest, sweetest girl in the whole world. That was when I understood. As long as you're happy on the outside, people will look at you and like you, I promise. Now on the inside... here's a challenge. For somed effed-up reason, your brain enjoys convincing you that you're stupid, ugly, conceited, fat, WHATEVER. YOUR brain is feeding you this info, so YOU'RE the only person who hears it. Trust me, I feel fat sometimes, and a voice in the back of my head is like, "Fatso, fatso, fatso!" But it's not like everyone else in hearing it too. "Mira's fat, Mira's fat." No. They have no idea. So they look at me and don't think I'm fat, because I'm the only one who noticed the tiiiiiiniest roll of extra skin (well, sometimes I have li-lot more than a tiny bit xD) and suddenly my brain wants me to constantly scold myself for being "fat". This is all in your head, Heather. SHOW YOUR HEAD WHO'S BOSS. TELL THAT STUPID, UNDESERVING HEAD TO GO TO HELL. OK!? And sorry about not being here. DD: *furrows brow* I reeeeally miss you guys. I come in every morning to get checked but they send me right back. Monday?? |
Everybody needs to have a smile on their face. o_o Everyone on here is depressed.
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Conflicted Emotions
I go to church in another city, so I don't go to school with anyone at my church. I have three main friends, S, M, and T. Lately, everything M has been doing has gotten on my nerves, and she's constantly making remarks to my face.
Ex: *le everyone in Sunday school* Me: *says something really stupid and everyone laughs* M: Ha, you're such a blond, no wonder you don't have any friends. Last Sunday she went to the bathroom during sunday school like three times, so I was starting to get annoyed. When she left, I locked her out of the room, and by the time she got back, we had already gone through the entire lesson. Well, some fifth grader that wasn't even supposed to be in my class told M I locked her out, and she said, "Of course it was you." And then she rolled her eyes. She's always texting me, but everytime I text her back she goes on and on about how much she likes this guy who goes to our church. *eyeroll* I've gotten to be really close friends with S, and I sit with her and her family every week. I think M is starting to get jealous because she's always trying to take S away from me. I don't know, I just think we're drifting apart because I'm becoming more mature, while M likes to roll around the floor during class and blurt out stuff. :/ Meh. |
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Aw. :( I think that she is a butt, and you should get on chat cause we haven't talked in forever. :3 |
From cheeze, Shari (friend from school), and I:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! AMY!!!!!!! RORY!!!!!!!!! Shari: *sobs... and throws popcorn in mouth* |
Popcorn Fight!!!!
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^^^What I immediately thought of when you mentioned Italian culture. XD You need to take a lesson from Italia, Sandy! PASTA SOLVES EVERYTHING. ^.^ But, in all seriousness....you're NOT stupid, and you're NOT retarded. O_O Is your way of thinking a bit irrational? Yes. <:^J But that doesn't make you stupid. That makes you human. And it's perfectly alright to be human, and it's perfectly normal to want to be thin. I'm glad you're eating more. But you have to be careful with that coffee, you know. <:^J I hate to nag, but, seriously. The malnutrition thing is valid, even if it's hard to wrap your mind around. But...life DOES have meaning, Cass. D: You're not just "one of millions". Your life matters, Sandy. I know you're not sure if there is a God or not, but I believe that there is a God, and you not only matter to him, but he loves you no matter what. And, besides that, you matter to your family--your brother and father and mother. You matter to your friends, too! O_O I can't even imagine not seeing your name on the sidebar, reading your stories, talking with you, laughing with you, and just knowing you're there. *hugs you* <:^J We all really care about you on here. Especially me. And there's NOTHING wrong or unrealistic about thinking your life would be fulfilled when you marry someone like that! O_O We are programmed to want to share our lives with someone. It's written in our hearts, in our minds, in every aspect of our lives. In this messed up world, it can seem like a lasting marriage only happens in Pixar movies, but that's not true. People don't seem to know what love is anymore. They think a physical attraction is love, but it's not. In most relationships, all people think about is me me me me me. That's one of the biggest reasons why so many marriages fail. People forget that being married means you're a team. You're not just one person anymore. You can't just do whatever you want and expect your spouse to follow you like a trained duck. It's a partnership. It's a bond. You have someone beside you to comfort and be comforted by, to take care of and be taken care of by. That sounds so good to us because that's what we were programmed to want. <:^J And the thing is, Cass...whether you're fat or not, or whether you're ugly or not does not matter in a marriage. I know plenty of women who are fat--and not like you, I mean 80 to 200 pounds overweight--who have been fat almost all their lives, and they've been happily married for over ten, twenty, thirty years to the same man. And ugly is relative! I think plenty of celebrities are ugly. Every one of their fans think they're amazingly beautiful/handsome. But I don't. I think other celebrities are beautiful/handsome, ones that most people overlook because they don't look like all the others. Some have slightly crooked teeth or a "unique" nose. Who the heck cares? They're just as beautiful as all the others. And, I guarantee you, when you find that guy you're going to marry, he is going to adore you. ^_^ He'll look at you and see the most beautiful girl in the whole world, no matter how you look. Why do you think guys write so many "she doesn't know she's beautiful" songs? (And yes, I'm a total hypocrite on this subject, I think I look horrible, I'm sorry, but I'm getting better at it, okay? XD I'm not trying to nag you or anything. I'm just trying to reassure you that you don't have to feel that way.) O_0 What do you have to gain from life? Knowledge. Knowledge about the world we live in, the creatures that live on it, and the people you care about. You can gain much pleasure about being able to see color and hear music and be able to read and write and just exist. This world IS messed up royally, I know. But it's still possible to enjoy being alive. You know what I think you should do? Don't let yourself dwell on the confusion. Eat what you want, when you want, because it makes you happy. ^_^ Don't limit yourself to 800 cal. a day, but don't go overboard with 2,500 a meal. Find a happy place in between. And, if you decide later on you want to adjust what that is, then, by all means, do it! 8D You just can't let yourself succumb to that kind of confusion. ... I'm sorry I rambled and ranted so much in this...I think most of it was reassuring myself just as much as I'm reassuring you. XD <:^) |
Oppa Gangnam Style. . . ?
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Sorry, I just thought of these guys: http://www.rockbloggy.com/wp-content...301-219218.jpg http://l2.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/Xl...kquaid_200.jpg Everyone thinks they're ugly but I think they are adorable. :3 But I agree with you. :P |
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Some of my friends think Hunter Hayes is, and I quote, "extremely ugly", and then go all googly-eyed over Justin Beiber. It's not that I think Beiber is ugly or anything, but....oh my gosh, HOW can you think Hayes is ugly?! O_O It's all relative, and it's all just so biased. x_x Crazy fangirls don't see the guy, they see their celebrity image, which is fake. |
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Why do I go into an emotional breakdown before every competition?
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