HEY FRIEND YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL AND KIND AND HAVE AN AMAZING VOICE AND YOUR WRITINGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FUCKIN AWESOME MAN iM HONESTLY SO PASSIONATE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE SO LOVELY AND DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER AND I REALLY REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU YO
(*hugs super tight*) whatever is going on in your head right now, don't give in. you're so strong and you can make it through this. i'm rooting for you.

ohh my gosh you have no idea how much this means to me
im better now, i got rly depressed during choir and i had lots of impulses that i didn't act on bc last time it didn't go well and i was okay the next period and ive been trying to hold off another mood swing by doing fun things to distract myself but i think im okay now
but just thank you so much. you're so so so nice and it really means the world to know that you care and that you think im lovely. you're lovely. im literally crying

why is everything so pathetic TBH :)
why are people so fucked up :)
why don't people listen :)
why don't people follow :)
why aren't people adequate :(
and why do I feel so terrible :)
why am I so fucked up :)
why am I such a pathetic faking bitch :)
why am I posting here :)
someone will reply with a nice little comment :)
and it doesn't help me because I'll never believe it anyway :)
why am I so inadequate :)
why do all of the people with distasteful personalities get to be prodigies :)
why do I get to have the arrogance of an immature genius but only the skill of an ordinary person :)
why do I alternate between exaggerated narcissism and crippling insecurity :)
why do I have almost daily breakdowns :)
why are people so boring :)
why am I so boring :)
why don't I like anything :)
why can't I like anyone :)
why do distasteful people get to be happy :) (oh wait it's because they're stupid and ignorant and can't comprehend all of this they don't understand what it's like to be so cerebral and (over)think up down forwards backwards sideways upside down in zig-zags in spirals in rainbow in grey in scribbles every angle of negativity because if it's truth there's no escaping it :) )
I can't express things at all :)
and I idealize my closer relationships :)
but at the same time I think that we aren't good enough :)
and I like to push people away :)
and I can't possibly be good enough for them but more importantly they aren't good enough for me :)
but there is nothing here to like :)
the average-grades, average-looks, cishet privileged pretentious white boy I used to be friends with wouldn't understand these thoughts of actual depth :)
how come he has so many friends :)
are they all as stupid and ignorant as him :)
you know he really isn't nice, right :)
he's stupid and irritating and pretentious and overly opinionated and he thinks he's the shit :)
shut up hunter you're really just shit so submit or I'll grind you into the mud :)
did you change when you got a girlfriend or did you change because of high school or did I get to know you better and realize you were always shit :)
also why do you think everybody ships you and your girlfriend :)
you guys are both stupid and boring and ignorant like all your friends :)
you'll become perfect cogs of society, get married even if not to each other and be happy because you're stupid enough to be able to :)
but you'll die without meaning like all the other cogs and more parts will rush in to replace you :)
you aren't smart you aren't interesting your opinions are shit you're a heteronormative cisnormative ass you're worthless beyond being a cog in the big equally worthless picture :)
stop thinking you're the shit you deserve nothing and I want you to suffer brutally :)
when I punched you and broke your glasses and made you cry I wasn't happy about the first two but the tears were the most interesting reaction I've gotten out of you :)
I kind of like it when I make you cry cause I'm twisted up I'm twisted up inside :)
what happened to the nice boy who didn't abandon me when all the others did was he ever really there :)
and you weren't even as good as Darcy you're too immature and pathetic to even talk it out and come to some sort of resolution :)
I deserve everything and you should just fucking sit down :)
you're pathetic and you're a small amount of potential that I invested too much in and now I'm oh so disappointed :)
but I couldn't be friends with any of the others either :)
they left me for my underclassman :)
because he's a prodigy and he's good with people and he's likable and relatable :)
he's not an inadequate too-uptight bitchy victory-obsessed anxious depressed "psychotic" perfectionist with no good qualities :)
but hes just as pathetic as all of you don't you understand :)
he spouts the same pathetic crap as the rest of you and honestly it's not conducive :)
davis isn't an absolute idiotic fuckwad like hunter but at least he's stupid enough to like playing without needing to overthink :)
and rishi is an absolute moron and a total idiot who likes playing in the same way and got to make it to a higher orchestra even though he's totally un-conducive and a fool and who even knows how well he can play :)
noah seems like a fuckboy but he gets to be a prodigy just like davis :)
and next year noah and davis will both come to this school :)
now there will be at least two prodigious little upstart brats and a moron that somehow was able to surpass??me
I'm still not good enough but I'm too pathetic to change
in a decadent age I try to change all my decadent ways but I stay the same :)
and people like me don't get to win :)
it must be so easy for all of you idiots down there :)
don't worry incoming underclassmen davis and noah if you're nothing like me you'll do absolutely fine :)
you'll make tons of new friends and continue about your deafening-on-the-outside, tumbleweeds-on-the-inside lives with minimal incapability to deal with stress :)
you neurotypical cishet muscle-brains don't understand a thing :) :) :)
and you'll never have to deal with this :)
you won't have to worry about being wasted potential don't worry :)
you never had potential in the first place :)
you're too boring :)
you don't understand the cage of an overly-cerebral inadequate ineffective inefficient mentally unstable INTJ-T :)
none of you can understand none of you are good enough you're all just the same :)
you are the very decadence which holds me back :)
without a conducive environment what can I do :)
I'm too inadequate to do it on my own :)
even though I positively hate working with others because they won't listen they don't understand if it exists I've fucking thought of it my solution will be the best on objective problems :)
but all I'm fit to do is attack myself from the inside :)
I can't pick you all apart starting from your worthless hearts if all my weapons are destroying me :)

also the sounds of mother mother are mood rn :)

shhhh ok you are perfect and I cannot respond to every one of those, but you are legit radically fabulous, so stop attacking yourself from the inside. no one deserves that, least of all you. you are absolutely fuckin perfect and you're stronger than all of those people combined. plus ur super talented and smart and hilarious as hell and you make people happyyyyy so don't worry about it. go out there and conquer life. fuck everyone else bc bitch ur fabulous.

My best friend just read poems that I wrote about her when I was (low-key) in love with her but has no clue that they're about her. fuck. brb shaking and crying now.



BUT ALSO MY FANFICTION ON WATTPAD HAS OVER 8 THOUSAND READS THAT'S INSANE AND KINDA REALLY WEIRD

oh my goodness how did this happen. and what was her reaction D:

I know that she read them on my old wattpad account because she voted on them. She hasn't said anything to me about it but I'm terrified that she will. Ugh.

I've never been bullied this bad my entire life. I don't talk in class. Everybody hates me. On the bus, kids will vape into my face. They'll scream my name and when I turn around, act like it never happened. They call me Satan, and said that I always look "angry and wrinkly". I swear to God I've never said a word to them in my life but THEY WONT SHUT THE FUCK UP. My teachers treat me like I'm stupid because I won't talk, and everyone in my grade moves away from me if I sit anywhere remotely near them. I cant go to this school for another three months. I just want to graduate or move. My mom won't pick me up after school so I'm always stuck on the bus for half an hour everday with them. My brother sees everything.