i'm sorry i didn't mean to make you angry *hugs you back*

Oh my god I get this to a lesser degree.
It's a thing.

It is so difficult to tone it down though. I cope with mine by ignoring everybody and ranting as intellectually as I can so I look intelligent/weird. Or I hide.

no non nooo it's not your fault *hugs*

you can ignore this i just needed to get it out
hi
i miss having a real friend
and i miss secrets and smiles and sleepovers
and i know you left two years ago but i was looking at pictures of all our misadventures and then smiling and crying a little bit because i also remember how much you hurt me
and we still talk sometimes but it's weird and distant and patched together, like we've stretched a string and two tin cans between us and now the cans have gotten rusty
but hey
i still miss you

and i miss you, too
for all your stupidity and bitchiness
and all the times you stabbed me in the back
and all the laughs and gossip and texts and smiles
because you knew me and didn't ignore me and now i miss that
and you'd probably see me now and go "holy shit" because i've grown so much and i know your stupid words wouldn't do anything to me now and you're probably taking your turn being the punching bag
but we were friends and i miss you

and damn, i even miss you
and you were always an ass to me
and i can't wait to see you so i can eloquently tell you how much of an ass you were and probably still are and give you something to think about

but most of all, i miss my innocence and my confidence and even my stupidity
most of all, i miss me

Aw Lenaaaaaaaa (*hugs*) I'm so sorry
But that was beautifully written. (*gives cookies*) I'm really sorry :c

(*picks shards of glass out of your hair*) be careful you lil' derp don't hurt yourself >w> (*hugs back*)
thank you soooo much, though...

this song is so unbelievably accurate it hurts
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HO4e4nCYBEo

2 a.m., where do I begin?
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me 'til I fall asleep

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

i finally realized what a hypocrite i am
see when people say i do something well i disagree firmly and blatantly because i suck at everything
but then when people say i didn't do well enough i end up thinking that they expect too much from me and i'll never live up to anyone's expectations ever
when there is no one to comfort me i feel like i'm the only one who understands to an extent what pain is
but when someone does comfort me i shake off everything they say because i'm absolutely sure they don't understand
it's like positivity is rejecting me
or maybe it's the other way around
and gosh i feel so lonely and confused
at school, on KP, and even at home
idk if i deserve it
idk if if i'm right
but one thing i'm sure of is that there is something undeniably wrong with me
help me guys idk what to feel anymore

This is similar to my life

hey
i sort of know that feeling
it'll all be okay, don't worry *hugs* i'm so sorry you have to go through this

shh you do not deserve loneliness
and if you feel something's wrong, if there's someone irl you can trust, i would tell them. nobody should have to go through this. *hugs* we haven't talked that much but i've always looked up to you and thought you were really rad. c:

thanks c: i feel better now. that's the weird thing i range from hyper to depressed XD
You flatter me thanks
Ughhh forgot to quote. that was to cami ;p

<3 it'll be okay. I promise.

you don't suck at everything. I know this for a fact. You're a wonderful writer, Lena.

breathe. because you'll be okay.
not everyone hates you. i don't!
and please don't cut. please. i can't convey how much i don't want you to.
-also just a question- how do you fail a subject? idk about america but over here you can't fail no matter if you did NOTHING all semester

thank you it really means a lot >.<
and i think i'm failing because i have like eight missing assignments and it's really stressful because if i don't get them in, it'll drop my grade a lot

c:

ahh... i'll just remind you that in 20 years from now, when you've got a successful job and everything's great, your science grade isn't going to matter. she'll be right mate. c:

*hugs u*
*hugs everyone else too*
hey i might not have talked to you much but you seem p hella and you're like one of my fave 'newbies' tbh (in this case newbie = anyone who joined after i stopped coming on as much haha)
but yeah dude you shouldn't hate yourself, even though it's hard to stop, you are gr9

Lena. shh (*huggles into obliviation*) shh i'm here don't cry okay you're gonna be alright. :c (*hugs and gives cookies*) but seriously i suck at words of comfort but perk up okay i love you and i hate seeing you all sad like D:
(*more huggles*) okay promise me you won't be unhappy again okay

omfg I sang Let it Go out of the blue for this choir thing and I sound so good I cannot even

I NEVER EVER SOUND GOOD ON RECORDING

EVER

but I am amazing

and yes totally rocked that belted F5 bitches :cool:

well done!! hey, does your school have any sort of invited choir?? cause ours does and ofc i'm not in it bc i suck but if there's one for your school you should be in it ive heard u sing

on that note about let it go, somehow friday afternoon maths w/ h always turns to singing let it go as the bell rings and somehow i can reach the high notes 2 cool 4 school

so i feel so out of the loop even though i manage to come on kp liek once a week? and it's really sad and i'm kind of sad now bc i'm not really allowed to come on kp idk but i miss everyone and wow this sounds terrible

but i miss y'all and idc if my mom says that i'm not allowed to come on or anything i'll continue to do this little visit thingy

ughh this is just the most annoying thing :c

why aren't you allowed on? that sucks :c

<3

Yeah, you're required to take a performing arts class in middle school and you can choose between drama, band, strings, or choir. In high school it's an audition thing which I will hopefully get into because we have the most absolutely badass high school choir of all time.


YES

oh and also I'm singing Brave with my brother for our morning assembly :3

I've had this booming headache all freaking day and I got home like half an hour ago and ever since I can't stop crying.
I took some Tylenol and told my mom and stuff. I think it's a migraine. I looked up what a migraine feels like and this is it.
Still crying.

u guys are so sweet omg thank you ;-;

ahh, you're so lucky it's audition! no audition choirs here, only open & chamber voices (which most of them aren't evEN THAT GOOD) which is invite. but i have lessons with the conductor so'
cool!
D: hope you feel better soon. ask your parents if they have migraines, it is sometimes genetic, i know in my case it is from my mum :)
---
i took the day off school today, 1 bc i had an operation on tuesday and im still in pain but mostly bc im so scared to go and see everyone andweksjdfjsd

Thanks. :)
Oh no! What did you have done?

extractions :P two in the top jaw, two in the bottom but the one of the bottom on the right was under the gum so i had to go to hospital and i was asleep ahahha, not that dramatic XD You said a while ago you were going to have some done, how did that go

i full-out cried for the first time in a few weeks yesterday night.
i thought it would make me feel better.
but then my mom got upset at my dad because he was the one who triggered me into crying (well, not really, i triggered myself by being stupid, but she thought it was his fault) and then he got upset at himself and then i got more upset because i didn't want either of them to be upset at each other and
every time my parents argue (and it just keeps getting more and more frequent especially when my panic attacks increase) it feels like another crack i've put in their relationship and i can't stand that
plus yesterday afternoon i had a really rough therapy appointment because my therapist is digging too deep and i'm so upset because everyone acts like my depression is triggered by a little switch in my life somewhere along the way and if they just flip it it'll be gone and turned off even my therapist and THAT'S NOT TRUE my depression comes and goes and sometimes i am literally five years old inside of my head and giggly and other times i am mid-thirties and hardened and serious and practical but also arrogant and sometimes i am who i've come to believe is the real me, some bitch in high school who tries too hard to make people laugh just so she can leech off of their emotion when she lacks it and then when she has too many emotions she boards them up inside herself and i /think/ that's me but honestly i think i lost my personality sometime during 8th grade and now i'm just a sack of bones and water who takes up too much space in her tiny world and yet somehow i'm still trying to get bigger.
also getting back to my original point about my therapist can she please not go digging for painful things about my life that she finds unhealthy but i actually LIKE and why doesn't she trust me when i say it's not the problem because trust me when/if i find my 'problem' i will KNOW but she takes the pieces of my life and tells me i'm doing it wrong, and tries to rearrange them and shove them back to me and it just hurts more because i know when i don't change (because i never change. i never have. i have developed, i have grown somewhat, but i have not truly changed and i doubt i ever really will) she will hate me like i hate myself for knowing the answer but not actually writing it down, finding the solution but never applying it to the problem because i LIKE the problem and i LIKE the pain but the last time i told a therapist that i almost got hospitalized and had a huge panic attack and i'm not letting that happen ever again the hospital terrifies me and things that scare me do not help me they just make it worse why don't people trust that i know what is good and bad for myself? i do know what is good for myself and what is bad for myself. i have lived in this body fourteen years, i have some inkling of how it works.
anyways, adding to this mountain of fuck-ups i've committed, i was texting back and forth with my gf on saturday and then i complimented her and she said stop but i sent another anyways (because i'm fucking STUPID) and then she said please please stop just don't please don't and i apologized but i still feel awful i'm not supposed to make her feel bad i should feel bad she doesn't deserve bad i deserve bad
anyway i'm done ok sorry for ranting i just needed to get this out of my emotional capacity

*hugs u v tightly*
you're not a fuck up ok i love u bunches
noooo you're not stupid for sending her another compliment. it was a mistake but u didn't know that. i would've done the same thing man

oh great i feel like shit again
what is this why can't i be happy for twelve hours
maybe i don't want to be happy which in that case i can't be helped
maybe i don't want to be helped which in that case i'll never be happy
but why am i ranting now no one cares
no one should care this crap is rubbish
sorry for spamming the thread every two days or something
but idk what else to do i feel lifeless
losing my writing, my singing, my reason to live
without those things i'm really just useless and no one cares
but i just can't hurt myself again because i'm too scared
i feel so weak
ignore this guys

oh honey no it's not rubbish at all and there's literally no such thing as spamming a thread (at least not that im really aware of shhhhh)
i'm sorry i'm really really bad at giving advice but you seem to be stuck in the same place that i am also in rn and i am sorry for that because you are much more rad than i and should definitely not be stuck in this whirlpool of whatever *hugs u very tight*
i know it's really scary (how much you feel, how little you feel, everything in between) to be in that place and i'm sorry but i don't know how to get you out of there but if i did i would *pets your hair and gives you good food*
im sorry i'm very useless when it comes to being a Good Giver Of Advice but i hope you get unstuck soon ok don't give up please don't give up find a new hobby find something that you're not even that good at but enjoy anyways and put as much of yourself as you can into it and do whatever you can that will help you get through these shitty days before you get out of the whirlpool of whatever *hugs you again*

*hugs you back*
just because you love me doesn't mean i'm not a fuck up
i love you

you're not spamming, it's okay
you're not useless, but i'm useless with words
ily and you're not alone okay

if your therapist is making you uncomfortable, maybe you should tell him/her/them that it's making you uncomfortable??? easier said than done, i'm sorry :C

you're not fucking stupid, you're really not, you don't deserve bad.
ily and as i said i'm terrible with words
but seriously
you deserve so much more than this horrible depression that you have
you really do and i wish i could make you feel better

thanks but im not rad. but thanks.
idk if i can find another hobby though because writing and singing these things are my life
maaaybe im just hard on myself but it's doubtful
thanks though

idk i feel like im spamming
nuuu you're not useless with words
and thanks c:

Lenakins no no no (*hugs*) Imma email you okay?

@Lena: okay, I understand. Just... Hang in there, okay? And email me when you can, understand? (*hugs*) shh you're going to be alright I know life sucks
But we all pull through.

Okay, so...I may or may not be taking a break from the entire Internet for a few weeks. If I do, I'll be sure to post something about it.

Lena... I'm so sorry. It's good you worked up the courage to tell him.

To be honest, that's exactly how I would respond. What does your mum/mom think?
I hope you're okay, even though obviously you're not.
*sends hugs*