The Writer's Block

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-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

rebecca 01-28-2014 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMoonWakedWolf (Post 517325)
Ok, to both of you, I apologise if I insulted you in any way. I didn't mean it as a direct bit to general faith in god. I was just frustrated and had had an argument with my parents about religion that morning.
Ash, i completely get what your saying about the bread pan and stuff. I've just grown with the lesson that god creates us all individually and sets a general path for us to take, the little detours and sightseeing pitstops being of our own accord. So from my faith, there isn't just one bread pan that got dented. God carves out own little cookie cutter, just for us. I just don't understand why he would make someone with a mental disability, or with autism, or with a sexuality other than heterosexuality, if anything besides is a sin. It doesn't make sense to me.
And Kenny, I completely respect your faith and decisions, and I get what your saying, but religion hasn't worked out for me. The morals of the church, yes, all the way, but I just simply don't believe. Again, I'm sorry if I insulted you.


I really hope ur right man it would be awesome to know that I matter tho
Thank you tho that actually helped me dude thank u *hug*


*puts hand up*
Autism in my case is sometimes to my advantage. It means I can remember bizarre things, don't have to care about characters on TV, and can use it as an excuse. It can be a hell of a lot of fun.
Then again, I'm high-functioning, so I would say that, even considering my anxiety.

I just take it that I'm the best person I know and the only one I can really be around for long and can live with it. God made me like this because I'm awesome, autistic or not. Sometimes I'm so proud of my diagnosis it's unbelievable.

I mean, obviously there are times when I'm rocking back and forth hating everything, but that's just life. There are highs and lows. There's a spectrum, my friend, it isn't all good, no, but it's not all bad. It isn't half bad, most of the time.

bookworm1999 01-28-2014 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 517333)
*puts hand up*
Autism in my case is sometimes to my advantage. It means I can remember bizarre things, don't have to care about characters on TV, and can use it as an excuse. It can be a hell of a lot of fun.
Then again, I'm high-functioning, so I would say that, even considering my anxiety.

I just take it that I'm the best person I know and the only one I can really be around for long and can live with it. God made me like this because I'm awesome, autistic or not. Sometimes I'm so proud of my diagnosis it's unbelievable.

I mean, obviously there are times when I'm rocking back and forth hating everything, but that's just life. There are highs and lows. There's a spectrum, my friend, it isn't all good, no, but it's not all bad. It isn't half bad, most of the time.

Heck yeah, you're awesome /O\

rebecca 01-28-2014 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookworm1999 (Post 517337)
Heck yeah, you're awesome /O\

Not really, just better at pretending than most. That's what I'd say. Pseudoawesomness, to cover for my writhing anxiety (okay, it's not that bad. More squirming than writhing. But squirming anxiety sounds silly), arrogance (which the supposed awesomeness invalidates because it makes my opinion of myself correct), bouts of low confidence (I can't talk to sales assistants, too awkward, and yet I think of myself as a brilliant human being who deserves medals and awards and love) and difficulty empathising, which is shit when you miss someone's anger and make a joke that really offends them an makes you look stupid.

Also, I'm very manipulative, especially online. I think about how my words could swing the person to my point of view, I guilt-trip, I complement them, I even do book swaps (most recently) to placate people. I don't care about them before I get myself on their bad side, but when I am, I try to make them feel bad for hating me. And I can't stop myself doing this. Sometimes I don't even realise I am. It's horrible because it means I'm a bad person and probably a psychopath. I just like pulling strings. I'm not this awesome god of Kidpub. I've put myself in that place and I use people. What makes it worse is the fact I'm not a true psychopath, so I feel guilt. I mean, I can't really manipulate Lauren, she knows me too well, but everyone else only sees the KidPub front. Nearly every word is carefully thought about, in relation to how the other person could react. It's terrifying, realising how evil you really are. Even more terrifying telling you, because, what, I don't know, people might find this cruel, callous. I still care about them! I do! But I will also try and manipulate them, almost instinctively. It's life. It's what I do.

I'm not overly good at manipulating people either. Most of them just hate me. So I suppose it evens out. Please don't ask me to stop guys, I can't turn it off, and please be aware that much of what I say has a purpose.

Possibly the ability to bluff this well is the making of real awesomeness.

camikat 01-28-2014 06:17 PM

So I'm kind of feeling inadequate and not wanted I guess
Like I just get this general feeling that people don't want me around?
And I'm not sure if I'm being over-dramatic or blowing things out of proportion it's just that when there are more than two people in a conversation I just feel like I'm pushed aside and unwanted
I just don't know anymore.

bookworm1999 01-28-2014 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 517338)
Not really, just better at pretending than most. That's what I'd say. Pseudoawesomness, to cover for my writhing anxiety (okay, it's not that bad. More squirming than writhing. But squirming anxiety sounds silly), arrogance (which the supposed awesomeness invalidates because it makes my opinion of myself correct), bouts of low confidence (I can't talk to sales assistants, too awkward, and yet I think of myself as a brilliant human being who deserves medals and awards and love) and difficulty empathising, which is shit when you miss someone's anger and make a joke that really offends them an makes you look stupid.

Also, I'm very manipulative, especially online. I think about how my words could swing the person to my point of view, I guilt-trip, I complement them, I even do book swaps (most recently) to placate people. I don't care about them before I get myself on their bad side, but when I am, I try to make them feel bad for hating me. And I can't stop myself doing this. Sometimes I don't even realise I am. It's horrible because it means I'm a bad person and probably a psychopath. I just like pulling strings. I'm not this awesome god of Kidpub. I've put myself in that place and I use people. What makes it worse is the fact I'm not a true psychopath, so I feel guilt. I mean, I can't really manipulate Lauren, she knows me too well, but everyone else only sees the KidPub front. Nearly every word is carefully thought about, in relation to how the other person could react. It's terrifying, realising how evil you really are. Even more terrifying telling you, because, what, I don't know, people might find this cruel, callous. I still care about them! I do! But I will also try and manipulate them, almost instinctively. It's life. It's what I do.

I'm not overly good at manipulating people either. Most of them just hate me. So I suppose it evens out. Please don't ask me to stop guys, I can't turn it off, and please be aware that much of what I say has a purpose.

Possibly the ability to bluff this well is the making of real awesomeness.

You're not a bad guy, or a psychopath, or anything because you can manipulate people and do all that hiz biz. It makes you you. It's the way, I believe, God made you. And I honestly believe you could use a heck a lot of that talent for great purposes. You might not think so, but I know you're capable of it. Everyone is adept for a whole lot of good and for a whole lot of bad.

If you'd just see yourself the way I see you--other's that are your friends see you.

TheAshWolf 01-28-2014 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookworm1999 (Post 517331)
don't normally post here bc idk, it always saddens me

but i'm simply having one of those days where you mess up big time and all that runs through your brain is 'stupid stupid stupid'.

(*hugs*) You're not stupid! o.o

But, yeah, I know how that feels, totally. x_x It's a really hard feeling to shake. Just try to remind yourself that everyone is human, and we all make mistakes. <:^) And that it's possible to get past them. Also, you're SUPER smart. Just because you made one mistake doesn't blot out all the other awesome things you've done and accomplished!

HeatherB 01-28-2014 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 517242)
yo tell me if u see her okay?
also u should email me on friday i need to tell u a thing

*hugs u tightly*

i feel u fuck that's why i stopped believing in god
yo u can make a difference. you've made my life brighter, and i know you've made a difference in other peoples' lives too. hell you're so fucking rad p sure u will end up saving at least one person's life

yo okay DONT YOU FUCKING DO THAT DONT FUCKING START PROMISE ME
but yo ok im gonna email u

ok she texted me literally one emoji today and i near fell out of my chair i was so relieved that she's alive
ok i will try to remember to email u on friday so u may tell me the thing

i stopped believing in god because im not sure why i ever did. i was never allowed to have my own opinion on god; i was forced into church and confirmation and raised with the belief that OF COURSE god was real, why shouldnt god be real?????? but then i grew up and started thinking logically like "why the fuck do i actually have to believe this bs it makes no sense to me" (IM SO SORRY THATS RLLY OFFENSIVE BUT IF A THING LITERALLY DOESNT MAKE SENSE TO ME I CANT ACCEPT IT IM SORRY FOR BEING AN OFFENSIVE PRICK)
Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMoonWakedWolf (Post 517326)

That's not unreasonable dude, that's the normal reaction. (Or I'm unreasonable too hahwhat)
she'll be fine c: I know it's really difficult to stop worrying, but I'm sure she'll be more than happy to see you on Friday. You two will hug and kiss or whatever it is you do and then run away together off into the sunset or something idk is that what couples do these days

omfg i really want to kiss her but i cant bc there're always people around grrrrrrrr fuckin homophobes
it would be my first kiss and probably hers too HGSLDHSLKGSHKLGSGD
im sorry i got kinda hooked on the kissing part
oops
thank you *hugs*
Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 517333)
*puts hand up*
Autism in my case is sometimes to my advantage. It means I can remember bizarre things, don't have to care about characters on TV, and can use it as an excuse. It can be a hell of a lot of fun.
Then again, I'm high-functioning, so I would say that, even considering my anxiety.

I just take it that I'm the best person I know and the only one I can really be around for long and can live with it. God made me like this because I'm awesome, autistic or not. Sometimes I'm so proud of my diagnosis it's unbelievable.

I mean, obviously there are times when I'm rocking back and forth hating everything, but that's just life. There are highs and lows. There's a spectrum, my friend, it isn't all good, no, but it's not all bad. It isn't half bad, most of the time.

okay, i don't have autism, but i'm clinically depressed and this is basically how i feel. i mean, aside from being depressed, i'm actually really happy that i'm depressed if that makes sense at all because in my eyes i'm the worst person i know, so this is the best thing that could happen to be. i love being depressed, in a sick way. and whenever i feel myself starting to be better about myself, that's when i hate myself the most. because how could i love a person fucked up as myself? that's fucked up. so i hate myself for that and then i love myself for hating myself and hate myself for loving myself and work myself into a stressed state void of any other emotion than a general world-weariness.
but yes, i do like myself when i hate myself.
but when i like myself, i hate myself.
im sorry. this isnt making much sense its so hard to put this into words ok i should stop typing
Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 517338)
Not really, just better at pretending than most. That's what I'd say. Pseudoawesomness, to cover for my writhing anxiety (okay, it's not that bad. More squirming than writhing. But squirming anxiety sounds silly), arrogance (which the supposed awesomeness invalidates because it makes my opinion of myself correct), bouts of low confidence (I can't talk to sales assistants, too awkward, and yet I think of myself as a brilliant human being who deserves medals and awards and love) and difficulty empathising, which is shit when you miss someone's anger and make a joke that really offends them an makes you look stupid.

Also, I'm very manipulative, especially online. I think about how my words could swing the person to my point of view, I guilt-trip, I complement them, I even do book swaps (most recently) to placate people. I don't care about them before I get myself on their bad side, but when I am, I try to make them feel bad for hating me. And I can't stop myself doing this. Sometimes I don't even realise I am. It's horrible because it means I'm a bad person and probably a psychopath. I just like pulling strings. I'm not this awesome god of Kidpub. I've put myself in that place and I use people. What makes it worse is the fact I'm not a true psychopath, so I feel guilt. I mean, I can't really manipulate Lauren, she knows me too well, but everyone else only sees the KidPub front. Nearly every word is carefully thought about, in relation to how the other person could react. It's terrifying, realising how evil you really are. Even more terrifying telling you, because, what, I don't know, people might find this cruel, callous. I still care about them! I do! But I will also try and manipulate them, almost instinctively. It's life. It's what I do.

I'm not overly good at manipulating people either. Most of them just hate me. So I suppose it evens out. Please don't ask me to stop guys, I can't turn it off, and please be aware that much of what I say has a purpose.

Possibly the ability to bluff this well is the making of real awesomeness.

all the stuff i bolded, that's me. except im not manipulative online at all. which is why i had to create laurel. because if i'm not manipulative then i'm not really me and even though laurel is sort of a manipulation of myself she's all the good honest nice qualities that i see in everyone else and the depression that i see in myself put into one. she is, in a form, my truest unbiased unmanipulated self. (p.s. if you dont follow my tumblr everything about laurel makes zero sense so i apologize)

Lily09 01-28-2014 10:51 PM

tw for suicide
i was watching glee the other day and rachel said to finn, "you said you'd never break up with me!" and finn replied "i never thought you'd make me feel this way."
out of context, that would be my entire situation.
except im a manipulative bitch who can't let go because i can't trust that i won't get hurt over it.
its hard to say i do when i dont --fall out boy.
to be honest, i hate myself for sinking this low, i hate me for being an absolute asshole to you, and i'm trying to be better for you, but at the same time i feel like i should leave for both of us, i'd be happier, and you wouldn't be in this awful manipulative friendship.
except i've left too many times and i need to fix this but i dont know how other than killing myself.
i'm too much of a bitch, too heartless, too stupid to even be here. all i do is whine about things and make ppls lives 100x worse. i want to be a better person because people want me to, not because its the right thing to do.
i feel like all my friends are better than me and i suck at everything and i probably actually do!! i suck at writing and singing and dancing and even communicating and doing math and doing science and making people feel better and being a good friend i literally just suck at everything and maybe the only thing i wont suck at is killing myself!! except maybe ill fail at that too!! or maybe i wont even be able to because ill be too scared and guess what ill continue to suck at being a human being.

rebecca 01-29-2014 01:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 517380)
ok she texted me literally one emoji today and i near fell out of my chair i was so relieved that she's alive
ok i will try to remember to email u on friday so u may tell me the thing

i stopped believing in god because im not sure why i ever did. i was never allowed to have my own opinion on god; i was forced into church and confirmation and raised with the belief that OF COURSE god was real, why shouldnt god be real?????? but then i grew up and started thinking logically like "why the fuck do i actually have to believe this bs it makes no sense to me" (IM SO SORRY THATS RLLY OFFENSIVE BUT IF A THING LITERALLY DOESNT MAKE SENSE TO ME I CANT ACCEPT IT IM SORRY FOR BEING AN OFFENSIVE PRICK)

omfg i really want to kiss her but i cant bc there're always people around grrrrrrrr fuckin homophobes
it would be my first kiss and probably hers too HGSLDHSLKGSHKLGSGD
im sorry i got kinda hooked on the kissing part
oops
thank you *hugs*

okay, i don't have autism, but i'm clinically depressed and this is basically how i feel. i mean, aside from being depressed, i'm actually really happy that i'm depressed if that makes sense at all because in my eyes i'm the worst person i know, so this is the best thing that could happen to be. i love being depressed, in a sick way. and whenever i feel myself starting to be better about myself, that's when i hate myself the most. because how could i love a person fucked up as myself? that's fucked up. so i hate myself for that and then i love myself for hating myself and hate myself for loving myself and work myself into a stressed state void of any other emotion than a general world-weariness.
but yes, i do like myself when i hate myself.
but when i like myself, i hate myself.
im sorry. this isnt making much sense its so hard to put this into words ok i should stop typing


all the stuff i bolded, that's me. except im not manipulative online at all. which is why i had to create laurel. because if i'm not manipulative then i'm not really me and even though laurel is sort of a manipulation of myself she's all the good honest nice qualities that i see in everyone else and the depression that i see in myself put into one. she is, in a form, my truest unbiased unmanipulated self. (p.s. if you dont follow my tumblr everything about laurel makes zero sense so i apologize)

No, it's fine. What is your tumblr?

blossom 01-29-2014 06:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 517429)
tw for suicide
i was watching glee the other day and rachel said to finn, "you said you'd never break up with me!" and finn replied "i never thought you'd make me feel this way."
out of context, that would be my entire situation.
except im a manipulative bitch who can't let go because i can't trust that i won't get hurt over it.
its hard to say i do when i dont --fall out boy.
to be honest, i hate myself for sinking this low, i hate me for being an absolute asshole to you, and i'm trying to be better for you, but at the same time i feel like i should leave for both of us, i'd be happier, and you wouldn't be in this awful manipulative friendship.
except i've left too many times and i need to fix this but i dont know how other than killing myself.
i'm too much of a bitch, too heartless, too stupid to even be here. all i do is whine about things and make ppls lives 100x worse. i want to be a better person because people want me to, not because its the right thing to do.
i feel like all my friends are better than me and i suck at everything and i probably actually do!! i suck at writing and singing and dancing and even communicating and doing math and doing science and making people feel better and being a good friend i literally just suck at everything and maybe the only thing i wont suck at is killing myself!! except maybe ill fail at that too!! or maybe i wont even be able to because ill be too scared and guess what ill continue to suck at being a human being.

Don't. You are good at those things, and everybody here would miss you.


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