The Writer's Block

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-   Free advice (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/forumdisplay.php?f=8)
-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

LaurenM 04-25-2012 04:47 AM

*sigh* My nine minute endurance run was BAAAAAAAD. Though everyone said I did very good, it was awful. I originally could run 2000 m in 8 minutes and 40 seconds but I could only run 1920 m in 9 minutes )': Probably because i have no one to run after, since *coughmyclassiscrapperthancrapinlongdistancerunnin gcough*.

BlueMi 04-28-2012 09:55 PM

It's a BIG WORLD.
...and sometimes, I feel alone
I feel betrayed.
Like no one cares
NO ONE LOVES ME
broken heart self-doubting insecure ALONE dark unloved stupid
I DON'T BELONG
I feel like everyone's closing me out
DISCONNECTED.
I am fighting for my own sanity
I hate myself
I hate everyone
I HATE THE WORLD
and the world hates me.

L.S.Trendom 04-28-2012 10:02 PM

No! The only things that are right are insecure and self-doubting.
The world doesn't hate you. Because you. Are. Freaking. Amazing. *Hugs*

MaryElizabeth 04-28-2012 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 280458)
It's a BIG WORLD.
...and sometimes, I feel alone
I feel betrayed.
Like no one cares
NO ONE LOVES ME
broken heart self-doubting insecure ALONE dark unloved stupid
I DON'T BELONG
I feel like everyone's closing me out
DISCONNECTED.
I am fighting for my own sanity
I hate myself
I hate everyone
I HATE THE WORLD
and the world hates me.

If they really do act as you say, then show them your frickin' amazing writing. I think that'll change their view on you.

I'm flabbergasted, and furious.

Read Mistborn's stand on bullying.
http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-c...age-2044123072

AlgebraAddict 04-28-2012 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 280458)
It's a BIG WORLD.
...and sometimes, I feel alone
I feel betrayed.
Like no one cares
NO ONE LOVES ME
broken heart self-doubting insecure ALONE dark unloved stupid
I DON'T BELONG
I feel like everyone's closing me out
DISCONNECTED.
I am fighting for my own sanity
I hate myself
I hate everyone
I HATE THE WORLD

and the world hates me.


Pokey, there are millions of people who are going to say that no one likes you. I don't care about any of them. But don't. You. Dare. EVER. Say that of yourself. Got that? I want you to go to school and wear the weirdest outfit you have and put your hair in random braids and just watch people's faces. Be who you are, because you're awesome. Never hate yourself. Ever.


Quote:

Originally Posted by MaryElizabeth (Post 280465)
If they really do act as you say, then show them your frickin' amazing writing. I think that'll change their view on you.

I'm flabbergasted, and furious.

Read Mistborn's stand on bullying.
http://www.kidpub.com/book-page-or-c...age-2044123072


Oh wow...

lvhamsters 04-28-2012 11:02 PM

Why are you doing all of this to your self? All of that stuff is bad, wrong, hurtful physically and mentally. You have an almost perfect life! An awesome family, a home, a dog, a LIFE, and you choose to waste it! There's lots of people who have it worse than you. Divorced parents, abusive parents, no home, surrounded by crime. But of all that, its some friends over the internet who you've never even met. Don't let them get to you! They live on the other side of the world! And yet you still call them your best friends even since we've been bff's for ten years. That hurts me too. But that's not what matters. Don't choose the wrong road. I want to tell you all of this, but I can't. I wish I could.

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 12:12 AM

Imma try to condense this rant. :D
Lately, I’ve been sort of paranoid, convincing myself that no one really cares about me… Thinking of ways things people have said/done could be interpreted to mean that. And sometimes I avoid people because I feel like too big of a failure to be around them. I’m terrified that everyone will think I’m a failure, which adds to that.
I know mood swings are a regular part of being a teenager, but… I’m wondering if I’m bipolar or something. A couple of times in the past few days, I’ve felt like grinning and laughing for no reason, with no relation to what was happening in real life. I was sort of happyish, and I had some confidence in myself. Other times, I get depressed, and sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s happening either.
Though I’ve stopped trusting myself about stuff like that; I’ve thought I was bipolar, depressed, gay, thought I had a few personality disorders (not at the same time :P), and tone deaf (a bit). About the gay thing… It happened twice, and I think I was, like, sure of it both times. Not really sure why I thought that… But it was accompanied by the wanting to grin and laugh, a bit.
I think I might have a pretty good, or at least decent, chance of being clinically depressed or something along those lines... Two close relatives have had something/s like that (though I’m not sure what).

(The following would probably sound less insane if I didn’t name the feelings…)
Sometimes, I feel sort like… there are two different… worlds, for lack of a better word. Not like you can find a portal to Narnia in your wardrobe; they’re more… spiritually/emotionally different, rather than physical. And I named them. Asphodel and Elysium, and they fit well. Elysium feels small, but almost perfect and beautiful and worth living in. Asphodel is the opposite, huge and grey and empty and pointless, no matter what. Nothing effing matters in it, nothing is worth anything. It’s hard to get away from the feeling of Asphodel/depression, unless I distract myself and try to forget, which sometimes doesn’t work. But for Elysium… Thoughts of Asphodel, of emptiness and how, maybe, no matter what I do it’ll still amount to absolutely nothing in the end, that can make me depressed/take me back to Asphodel. And when I’m like that, Elysium and happiness feel like total lies, but not vice versa; Elysium just makes it easier to hide from Asphodel.
The thought of growing up, getting a job and whatever, (almost) always leads to Asphodel; I can’t imagine friends or love or anything worthwhile in adult life. I can’t. Just trying to survive, money, trying not to go bankrupt.
Also, half the time I hold conversations in my head. I don’t expect replies and I don’t get them, but it’s kind of subconscious and I talk to myself like I do. Like, I’ll imagine what I’d say to someone in some situation, or what I’d do in another situations—often ridiculous—or I’ll start mentally saying something in my mind, like this rant. I’ve probably thought out half of this, absentmindedly, over the past week or so. Most of the time, it’s utterly disconnected from whatever I’m doing in real life. And other times, my mind is blank and not a single word is in it and I don’t think or really feel anything. These words feel a bit disconnected, too… like I’m typing for someone else, like they’re not really mine.
The other thing is, I think I used to pray to die in my sleep sometimes, years ago. That’s not the part that scares me, it’s my response to it. I don’t feel any sympathy for my younger self, just a bit of embarrassment. I even mentally laughed a few times, about it. My thoughts toward myself border on psychopathic sometimes… Last month, I had a bad breakdown. I was up until like two in the morning, I even had a bit of insomnia, and the world felt so empty. I hated myself so much, and I was muttering, “I hate you, I f*ing hate you, die in a f*ing hole.” The animosity I felt toward myself scared me, and I’ve still been muttering that sometimes.
(That was the night when I really started (mentally) cursing. :p)
And, much of the time, I can’t feel any pride; and if I do, then part of me thinks it’s arrogant, any pride disappears, and I start thinking, “I f*ing hate you” again.
For some reason, sometimes when I look up the symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder or whatever and see that I have some of them, I feel like laughing…
Not sure if those should make me feel concerned for my sanity or what. :^I

I’m afraid I’ll be Forever Alone, that no one will really care for me, that my life will never be worth having lived. Terrified that the song of my life will be A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel. (My mom even said it described me, except for the part where he kills himself…) Or the chorus of Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance: “You’re just a sad song / With nothing to say / About a lifelong / Wait for a hospital stay.”

Yeahhhhh… Attempt to condense failed. ^_^ I’ve been wanting to rant for a while, so… meh…
*le feels slightly better* Actually… just neutral. Not depressed or happy. Just mehish. :^I
ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares…

Edit: I would like to state I feel like laughing and crying at this post, a bit. Mainly laughing. http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/a/facepokerplz.png?1

MaryElizabeth 04-29-2012 12:17 AM

LST, I barely know you. I've only talked to you a few times, and only through this. But I don't like anyone in this kind of pain.

I don't know exactly how to help you. I think you just need to establish your sense of self. Maybe you seem bipolar because you're not sure who you are.

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 12:31 AM

I don't know how to… And, yeah, I don't really have a strong sense of self; I just know I'm a dreamer.

GabiDi 04-29-2012 12:35 AM

LST...

Me too. At school I can practically be crying and by the next period madly dance through the halls. I can't stop laughing sometimes and other times I hate everyone and everything and hate myself BECAUSE I hate everyone. And I have to stay strong for my friends and I hate myself for BEING so depressed those times, because really, WHAT is so screwed up about my life? People have so much worse.

My point is, you're not alone and I can assure you that with you being such a great author, you are NOT going to be like the Peculiar Man or The Patient. You're going to be yourself.

nngo 04-29-2012 12:45 AM

*gives LST a hug* *glares* I read those little letters.. ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares… Lemme tell you - WRONG. WE CARE.

You have an issue similar to one of my characters. So Asphodel is your 'black and hopeless' and 'jet-black' feeling. You feel like there's 'nothing to do' and growing up is difficult. Do you have a fear or disliking of growing up? I think it's because you're indecisive about what you want to do about your future. There's tons of advice out there, like living in the moment or dousing yourself in coffee, but they don't always make sense. So, uh, make sense of things. Spend a day or something staring at a spot in the wall and thinking.
Think. Happy. Thoughts.
If those "I f*cking hate you" come.. block them out with loud stuff and jump into Elysium for a little while. (Elysium reminds me of Jesus of Suburbia lyrics http://www.metrolyrics.com/jesus-of-...green-day.html) And when you spin back.. try to write something. Something utterly ridiculously happy and stupid. Go outside and play with your cat or something. And keep your mind off stuff. And think about your future and write down a list of pros.

As for the bipolar-ness.. I dunno, search it up.

And for my last bit of nonsensical advice.. EAT FOR FAVORITE FOOD OR ICE CREAM. Smile. Laugh, too, even in Asphodel. If you can't FORCE YOURSELF TO. And try to.. get over it.. ah, I'm spouting nonesense.. so.. yeah..

*gives LST another hug*

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 12:58 AM

AGbi: I'm really sorry you feel the same. :/ And I really don't know if I will or not…

nngo: Yeah, a bit… I think partially because my childhood doesn't feel like it was worth it, I don't remember much of it, and time seems to be moving too fast, so it seems too soon…
Living in the moment doesn't seem that worth it, either… Coffee helps, though. P: I'm not allowed coffee most of the time, though.
I think I will… I've managed a few optimisticish thoughts, which were basically, "FTW, who cares what it's like, I'm going to be epik anyway."
I have; I came to the conclusion that my moods change too quickly, then learned that it tends to be like that in adolescents…

Thank you for caring. Thank you thank you thank you… :']

TheAshWolf 04-29-2012 01:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280494)
Imma try to condense this rant. :D
Lately, I’ve been sort of paranoid, convincing myself that no one really cares about me… Thinking of ways things people have said/done could be interpreted to mean that. And sometimes I avoid people because I feel like too big of a failure to be around them. I’m terrified that everyone will think I’m a failure, which adds to that.
I know mood swings are a regular part of being a teenager, but… I’m wondering if I’m bipolar or something. A couple of times in the past few days, I’ve felt like grinning and laughing for no reason, with no relation to what was happening in real life. I was sort of happyish, and I had some confidence in myself. Other times, I get depressed, and sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s happening either.
Though I’ve stopped trusting myself about stuff like that; I’ve thought I was bipolar, depressed, gay, thought I had a few personality disorders (not at the same time :P), and tone deaf (a bit). About the gay thing… It happened twice, and I think I was, like, sure of it both times. Not really sure why I thought that… But it was accompanied by the wanting to grin and laugh, a bit.
I think I might have a pretty good, or at least decent, chance of being clinically depressed or something along those lines... Two close relatives have had something/s like that (though I’m not sure what).

(The following would probably sound less insane if I didn’t name the feelings…)
Sometimes, I feel sort like… there are two different… worlds, for lack of a better word. Not like you can find a portal to Narnia in your wardrobe; they’re more… spiritually/emotionally different, rather than physical. And I named them. Asphodel and Elysium, and they fit well. Elysium feels small, but almost perfect and beautiful and worth living in. Asphodel is the opposite, huge and grey and empty and pointless, no matter what. Nothing effing matters in it, nothing is worth anything. It’s hard to get away from the feeling of Asphodel/depression, unless I distract myself and try to forget, which sometimes doesn’t work. But for Elysium… Thoughts of Asphodel, of emptiness and how, maybe, no matter what I do it’ll still amount to absolutely nothing in the end, that can make me depressed/take me back to Asphodel. And when I’m like that, Elysium and happiness feel like total lies, but not vice versa; Elysium just makes it easier to hide from Asphodel.
The thought of growing up, getting a job and whatever, (almost) always leads to Asphodel; I can’t imagine friends or love or anything worthwhile in adult life. I can’t. Just trying to survive, money, trying not to go bankrupt.
Also, half the time I hold conversations in my head. I don’t expect replies and I don’t get them, but it’s kind of subconscious and I talk to myself like I do. Like, I’ll imagine what I’d say to someone in some situation, or what I’d do in another situations—often ridiculous—or I’ll start mentally saying something in my mind, like this rant. I’ve probably thought out half of this, absentmindedly, over the past week or so. Most of the time, it’s utterly disconnected from whatever I’m doing in real life. And other times, my mind is blank and not a single word is in it and I don’t think or really feel anything. These words feel a bit disconnected, too… like I’m typing for someone else, like they’re not really mine.
The other thing is, I think I used to pray to die in my sleep sometimes, years ago. That’s not the part that scares me, it’s my response to it. I don’t feel any sympathy for my younger self, just a bit of embarrassment. I even mentally laughed a few times, about it. My thoughts toward myself border on psychopathic sometimes… Last month, I had a bad breakdown. I was up until like two in the morning, I even had a bit of insomnia, and the world felt so empty. I hated myself so much, and I was muttering, “I hate you, I f*ing hate you, die in a f*ing hole.” The animosity I felt toward myself scared me, and I’ve still been muttering that sometimes.
(That was the night when I really started (mentally) cursing. :p)
And, much of the time, I can’t feel any pride; and if I do, then part of me thinks it’s arrogant, any pride disappears, and I start thinking, “I f*ing hate you” again.
For some reason, sometimes when I look up the symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder or whatever and see that I have some of them, I feel like laughing…
Not sure if those should make me feel concerned for my sanity or what. :^I

I’m afraid I’ll be Forever Alone, that no one will really care for me, that my life will never be worth having lived. Terrified that the song of my life will be A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel. (My mom even said it described me, except for the part where he kills himself…) Or the chorus of Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance: “You’re just a sad song / With nothing to say / About a lifelong / Wait for a hospital stay.”

Yeahhhhh… Attempt to condense failed. ^_^ I’ve been wanting to rant for a while, so… meh…
*le feels slightly better* Actually… just neutral. Not depressed or happy. Just mehish. :^I
ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares…

Edit: I would like to state I feel like laughing and crying at this post, a bit. Mainly laughing. http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/a/facepokerplz.png?1

:(
Okay, first off, I'm so sorry I didn't see this until just now...I honestly stopped checking this thread a while back because I was so emotionally screwed up, I couldn't handle trying to help anyone else.

Second...o__o *serious face* Tredom, I know we've never met in real life. But you know what? I care about you. A lot. I remember the day you joined KidPub so clearly. Which is odd for me, since the stress in my life has wiped out a lot of my memories from back then. I know, I'm not exactly good at commenting on your stories and poems when you first post them...but that's my problem, not yours. Honestly, I feel almost...intimidated by you sometimes...<:^J You're this incredible poet who can write a billion times better than me even when you have Writer's Block. You give great CC, and can spot typos like a pro. O_O All while keeping up this awesome online energy level, despite how you feel off of KP. You are a downright AWESOME person, and I recognize that. And it hurts me to see you're in pain and I can't really do much to help.

Asphodel and Elysium......O_O I swear, I've heard that before. I don't know where, or when, but...I don't know. Those names just jump out at me. o.o Weird.

Anyway...I just want to say that I honestly know how you feel. I've spent half my life having conversations in my head like that. I'm dealing with the same bipolar suspicions. I honestly have no pity for the paranoid little wimp I used to be. I laugh when I think about the younger me. I never let myself feel proud anymore, even though I know there's a big difference between being proud and arrogant. Being proud is positive. It's letting yourself be happy. Being arrogant is rubbing your success in people's faces. And you know what? I've been struggling with my language, too...I don't know how it started, but whenever something goes wrong, I get all mad at myself and start cursing at myself mentally. I'm working on it, but it's still there.

All I can say is...just try to keep things in perspective. Remind yourself that you do have good things in your life. And you know what, Tredom? You don't have to live in that big, empty, sad gray place you call Asphodel. <:^J You really don't. There can be more to life than just making money and keeping your job. I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you a question....you don't have to answer it. I just want you to keep an open mind, okay?

Would you like to live forever? Not in this messed up world, though. There would be no dying economy, no pain, no old age, no sickness, no death. I know it sounds impossible, but...tell me...doesn't that sound good to you?

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 280501)
:(
Okay, first off, I'm so sorry I didn't see this until just now...I honestly stopped checking this thread a while back because I was so emotionally screwed up, I couldn't handle trying to help anyone else.

Second...o__o *serious face* Tredom, I know we've never met in real life. But you know what? I care about you. A lot. I remember the day you joined KidPub so clearly. Which is odd for me, since the stress in my life has wiped out a lot of my memories from back then. I know, I'm not exactly good at commenting on your stories and poems when you first post them...but that's my problem, not yours. Honestly, I feel almost...intimidated by you sometimes...<:^J You're this incredible poet who can write a billion times better than me even when you have Writer's Block. You give great CC, and can spot typos like a pro. O_O All while keeping up this awesome online energy level, despite how you feel off of KP. You are a downright AWESOME person, and I recognize that. And it hurts me to see you're in pain and I can't really do much to help.

Asphodel and Elysium......O_O I swear, I've heard that before. I don't know where, or when, but...I don't know. Those names just jump out at me. o.o Weird.

Anyway...I just want to say that I honestly know how you feel. I've spent half my life having conversations in my head like that. I'm dealing with the same bipolar suspicions. I honestly have no pity for the paranoid little wimp I used to be. I laugh when I think about the younger me. I never let myself feel proud anymore, even though I know there's a big difference between being proud and arrogant. Being proud is positive. It's letting yourself be happy. Being arrogant is rubbing your success in people's faces. And you know what? I've been struggling with my language, too...I don't know how it started, but whenever something goes wrong, I get all mad at myself and start cursing at myself mentally. I'm working on it, but it's still there.

All I can say is...just try to keep things in perspective. Remind yourself that you do have good things in your life. And you know what, Tredom? You don't have to live in that big, empty, sad gray place you call Asphodel. <:^J You really don't. There can be more to life than just making money and keeping your job. I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you a question....you don't have to answer it. I just want you to keep an open mind, okay?

Would you like to live forever? Not in this messed up world, though. There would be no dying economy, no pain, no old age, no sickness, no death. I know it sounds impossible, but...tell me...doesn't that sound good to you?

Don't be sorry. You never had to reply and it wasn't posted that long ago… :^J

Thank you so much for caring at all… Hey, I'm further behind on commenting on stuff than you. :P I get intimidated by people sometimes too… No, you're wrong. you're much better. I've managed to spaz on KP while sobbing in real life at the same time… xD

Greek mythology. :P *le Percy Jacksonness*

You should be proud of yourself. Cursing makes me feel kinda stupid… But it's kinda good for ranting, so, meh. I do the same, curse at myself for any tiny mistake.

I know… KP helps a lot. It reminds me that there's freaking amazing people in the world. I'd prefer if it was sad… That kinda implies that there could be happiness, but instead… it's just empty, devoid of any real emotion but despair.

I'm not sure. :^I The thought of living forever doesn't really appeal to me… I think, eventually, I'd just get tired of being around. Though oblivion doesn't sound good either.

chelseki3 04-29-2012 03:16 AM

I feel like no one loves me/no one cares. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like I could die in this world and everyone would forget about me straight away. I have nothing to clutch on to. My sanity is strong, but depressing is fighting over. I can't let that happen... I need my sanity to stay with me. I care what other people think because I need critisim...My mom says I'm stupid, I believe her. My auntie says my face looks like s*it, I believe her. They're both right, you know. I need to fight for my own rights. I'm bad at hiding my emotions. Stupid things that I believe in are messing up my mind and 'effing up my life. I need to stop. I need to keep my sanity, and hold onto God, because they will show me the light. I'm scared everything will fall apart....

I'm scared that my auntie will go psychotic again.

I don't want that to happen...

I'm scared.

Nervous.

I've never felt that someone has loved me truly sometimes.

If my mom annoys me I just burst out laughing. I've gotten ruder...stupider...weirder...

I'm nothing.

:o End of rant.

I'm such a loser I'm scared of dying...0_o

EDIT: I'm scared of making mistakes...I'm scared that everything will go wrong and fall apart...

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 03:24 AM

NO. They're wrong. I know you're not stupid. I wouldn't forget you. I care about you and love you and I'm sure others on KP do.
You're freaking awesome, not nothing.

chelseki3 04-29-2012 03:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280494)
Imma try to condense this rant. :D
Lately, I’ve been sort of paranoid, convincing myself that no one really cares about me… Thinking of ways things people have said/done could be interpreted to mean that. And sometimes I avoid people because I feel like too big of a failure to be around them. I’m terrified that everyone will think I’m a failure, which adds to that.
I know mood swings are a regular part of being a teenager, but… I’m wondering if I’m bipolar or something. A couple of times in the past few days, I’ve felt like grinning and laughing for no reason, with no relation to what was happening in real life. I was sort of happyish, and I had some confidence in myself. Other times, I get depressed, and sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s happening either.
Though I’ve stopped trusting myself about stuff like that; I’ve thought I was bipolar, depressed, gay, thought I had a few personality disorders (not at the same time :P), and tone deaf (a bit). About the gay thing… It happened twice, and I think I was, like, sure of it both times. Not really sure why I thought that… But it was accompanied by the wanting to grin and laugh, a bit.
I think I might have a pretty good, or at least decent, chance of being clinically depressed or something along those lines... Two close relatives have had something/s like that (though I’m not sure what).

(The following would probably sound less insane if I didn’t name the feelings…)
Sometimes, I feel sort like… there are two different… worlds, for lack of a better word. Not like you can find a portal to Narnia in your wardrobe; they’re more… spiritually/emotionally different, rather than physical. And I named them. Asphodel and Elysium, and they fit well. Elysium feels small, but almost perfect and beautiful and worth living in. Asphodel is the opposite, huge and grey and empty and pointless, no matter what. Nothing effing matters in it, nothing is worth anything. It’s hard to get away from the feeling of Asphodel/depression, unless I distract myself and try to forget, which sometimes doesn’t work. But for Elysium… Thoughts of Asphodel, of emptiness and how, maybe, no matter what I do it’ll still amount to absolutely nothing in the end, that can make me depressed/take me back to Asphodel. And when I’m like that, Elysium and happiness feel like total lies, but not vice versa; Elysium just makes it easier to hide from Asphodel.
The thought of growing up, getting a job and whatever, (almost) always leads to Asphodel; I can’t imagine friends or love or anything worthwhile in adult life. I can’t. Just trying to survive, money, trying not to go bankrupt.
Also, half the time I hold conversations in my head. I don’t expect replies and I don’t get them, but it’s kind of subconscious and I talk to myself like I do. Like, I’ll imagine what I’d say to someone in some situation, or what I’d do in another situations—often ridiculous—or I’ll start mentally saying something in my mind, like this rant. I’ve probably thought out half of this, absentmindedly, over the past week or so. Most of the time, it’s utterly disconnected from whatever I’m doing in real life. And other times, my mind is blank and not a single word is in it and I don’t think or really feel anything. These words feel a bit disconnected, too… like I’m typing for someone else, like they’re not really mine.
The other thing is, I think I used to pray to die in my sleep sometimes, years ago. That’s not the part that scares me, it’s my response to it. I don’t feel any sympathy for my younger self, just a bit of embarrassment. I even mentally laughed a few times, about it. My thoughts toward myself border on psychopathic sometimes… Last month, I had a bad breakdown. I was up until like two in the morning, I even had a bit of insomnia, and the world felt so empty. I hated myself so much, and I was muttering, “I hate you, I f*ing hate you, die in a f*ing hole.” The animosity I felt toward myself scared me, and I’ve still been muttering that sometimes.
(That was the night when I really started (mentally) cursing. :p)
And, much of the time, I can’t feel any pride; and if I do, then part of me thinks it’s arrogant, any pride disappears, and I start thinking, “I f*ing hate you” again.
For some reason, sometimes when I look up the symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder or whatever and see that I have some of them, I feel like laughing…
Not sure if those should make me feel concerned for my sanity or what. :^I

I’m afraid I’ll be Forever Alone, that no one will really care for me, that my life will never be worth having lived. Terrified that the song of my life will be A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel. (My mom even said it described me, except for the part where he kills himself…) Or the chorus of Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance: “You’re just a sad song / With nothing to say / About a lifelong / Wait for a hospital stay.”

Yeahhhhh… Attempt to condense failed. ^_^ I’ve been wanting to rant for a while, so… meh…
*le feels slightly better* Actually… just neutral. Not depressed or happy. Just mehish. :^I
ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares…

Edit: I would like to state I feel like laughing and crying at this post, a bit. Mainly laughing. http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/a/facepokerplz.png?1

I've never seen you, or heard you, or touched you, but you're an epic person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!l!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be honest, I just seriously felt like making lots of exclamation marks...0_o
I love you LST, don't ever forget that.

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 03:32 AM

I think most people are scared of dying; that doesn't make you a loser.
You can't get through life without failure/mistakes. Just learn from them. And if everything falls to pieces… put it back together and make it better.
Don't listen to anyone who doesn't believe in you. :D

Thank you. [^:

chelseki3 04-29-2012 03:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280530)
I think most people are scared of dying; that doesn't make you a loser.
You can't get through life without failure/mistakes. Just learn from them. And if everything falls to pieces… put it back together and make it better.
Don't listen to anyone who doesn't believe in you. :D

Thank you. [^:

Thank you. (:

Sometimes I laugh for no reason, and other times I laugh by thinking about random stuff, and my mom says:

"Are you paranoid?"

I seriously think I am most of the time...0_o

LaurenM 04-29-2012 06:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280494)
Imma try to condense this rant. :D
Lately, I’ve been sort of paranoid, convincing myself that no one really cares about me… Thinking of ways things people have said/done could be interpreted to mean that. And sometimes I avoid people because I feel like too big of a failure to be around them. I’m terrified that everyone will think I’m a failure, which adds to that.
I know mood swings are a regular part of being a teenager, but… I’m wondering if I’m bipolar or something. A couple of times in the past few days, I’ve felt like grinning and laughing for no reason, with no relation to what was happening in real life. I was sort of happyish, and I had some confidence in myself. Other times, I get depressed, and sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with what’s happening either.
Though I’ve stopped trusting myself about stuff like that; I’ve thought I was bipolar, depressed, gay, thought I had a few personality disorders (not at the same time :P), and tone deaf (a bit). About the gay thing… It happened twice, and I think I was, like, sure of it both times. Not really sure why I thought that… But it was accompanied by the wanting to grin and laugh, a bit.
I think I might have a pretty good, or at least decent, chance of being clinically depressed or something along those lines... Two close relatives have had something/s like that (though I’m not sure what).

(The following would probably sound less insane if I didn’t name the feelings…)
Sometimes, I feel sort like… there are two different… worlds, for lack of a better word. Not like you can find a portal to Narnia in your wardrobe; they’re more… spiritually/emotionally different, rather than physical. And I named them. Asphodel and Elysium, and they fit well. Elysium feels small, but almost perfect and beautiful and worth living in. Asphodel is the opposite, huge and grey and empty and pointless, no matter what. Nothing effing matters in it, nothing is worth anything. It’s hard to get away from the feeling of Asphodel/depression, unless I distract myself and try to forget, which sometimes doesn’t work. But for Elysium… Thoughts of Asphodel, of emptiness and how, maybe, no matter what I do it’ll still amount to absolutely nothing in the end, that can make me depressed/take me back to Asphodel. And when I’m like that, Elysium and happiness feel like total lies, but not vice versa; Elysium just makes it easier to hide from Asphodel.
The thought of growing up, getting a job and whatever, (almost) always leads to Asphodel; I can’t imagine friends or love or anything worthwhile in adult life. I can’t. Just trying to survive, money, trying not to go bankrupt.
Also, half the time I hold conversations in my head. I don’t expect replies and I don’t get them, but it’s kind of subconscious and I talk to myself like I do. Like, I’ll imagine what I’d say to someone in some situation, or what I’d do in another situations—often ridiculous—or I’ll start mentally saying something in my mind, like this rant. I’ve probably thought out half of this, absentmindedly, over the past week or so. Most of the time, it’s utterly disconnected from whatever I’m doing in real life. And other times, my mind is blank and not a single word is in it and I don’t think or really feel anything. These words feel a bit disconnected, too… like I’m typing for someone else, like they’re not really mine.
The other thing is, I think I used to pray to die in my sleep sometimes, years ago. That’s not the part that scares me, it’s my response to it. I don’t feel any sympathy for my younger self, just a bit of embarrassment. I even mentally laughed a few times, about it. My thoughts toward myself border on psychopathic sometimes… Last month, I had a bad breakdown. I was up until like two in the morning, I even had a bit of insomnia, and the world felt so empty. I hated myself so much, and I was muttering, “I hate you, I f*ing hate you, die in a f*ing hole.” The animosity I felt toward myself scared me, and I’ve still been muttering that sometimes.
(That was the night when I really started (mentally) cursing. :p)
And, much of the time, I can’t feel any pride; and if I do, then part of me thinks it’s arrogant, any pride disappears, and I start thinking, “I f*ing hate you” again.
For some reason, sometimes when I look up the symptoms of depression and bipolar disorder or whatever and see that I have some of them, I feel like laughing…
Not sure if those should make me feel concerned for my sanity or what. :^I

I’m afraid I’ll be Forever Alone, that no one will really care for me, that my life will never be worth having lived. Terrified that the song of my life will be A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel. (My mom even said it described me, except for the part where he kills himself…) Or the chorus of Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance: “You’re just a sad song / With nothing to say / About a lifelong / Wait for a hospital stay.”

Yeahhhhh… Attempt to condense failed. ^_^ I’ve been wanting to rant for a while, so… meh…
*le feels slightly better* Actually… just neutral. Not depressed or happy. Just mehish. :^I
ohgodwthamipostingthisnooneffingcares…

Edit: I would like to state I feel like laughing and crying at this post, a bit. Mainly laughing. http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/f/a/facepokerplz.png?1

WE CARE. Meh, I'd be pretty useless out in the outside world too. *givesmLST a hug* I sometimes feel really sad but soon I can't remember why that happened.:confused:

LaurenM 04-29-2012 06:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelseki3 (Post 280525)
I feel like no one loves me/no one cares. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like I could die in this world and everyone would forget about me straight away. I have nothing to clutch on to. My sanity is strong, but depressing is fighting over. I can't let that happen... I need my sanity to stay with me. I care what other people think because I need critisim...My mom says I'm stupid, I believe her. My auntie says my face looks like s*it, I believe her. They're both right, you know. I need to fight for my own rights. I'm bad at hiding my emotions. Stupid things that I believe in are messing up my mind and 'effing up my life. I need to stop. I need to keep my sanity, and hold onto God, because they will show me the light. I'm scared everything will fall apart....

I'm scared that my auntie will go psychotic again.

I don't want that to happen...

I'm scared.

Nervous.

I've never felt that someone has loved me truly sometimes.

If my mom annoys me I just burst out laughing. I've gotten ruder...stupider...weirder...

I'm nothing.

:o End of rant.

I'm such a loser I'm scared of dying...0_o

EDIT: I'm scared of making mistakes...I'm scared that everything will go wrong and fall apart...

Your face does not freakingmatter. I think I'm a proud person, that's why I don't blush. I was scared of death too, but reading so many books about people dying has changed y views. To me, it's just oblivion.
You're a vigilant person. You're NOT nothing. Not an insignificant spect of dust, but the awesome Chelsea. Remind yourself.

chelseki3 04-29-2012 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 280553)
Your face does not freakingmatter. I think I'm a proud person, that's why I don't blush. I was scared of death too, but reading so many books about people dying has changed y views. To me, it's just oblivion.
You're a vigilant person. You're NOT nothing. Not an insignificant spect of dust, but the awesome Chelsea. Remind yourself.

Thank you. (:

chelseki3 04-29-2012 10:29 AM

Guys....

Guys they're following me. I can feel their presence. They're following me. I need something to clutch on to! They're following me!! They're always here, in the dark, watching me!!! I can't see them! They keep on following me and I don't like it!! I can feel them!! Help!! I don't like it!! I need to be stong...I need something happy to think about!! They're following me...
I'm scared...Help me!! I don't like it...

LaurenM 04-29-2012 11:12 AM

Who? Your doubting that you aren't perfect? Or those voices?
I hate it when my friends are sad ): *hugs*

LaurenM 04-29-2012 11:13 AM

Listen to Who You Are :D And Perfect by P!nk.

lvhamsters 04-29-2012 01:02 PM

One Question:


Why does life suck?

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 01:12 PM

I think because it makes you stronger. It makes you a better person. Like… purifying something by fire, a bit. It hurts, but if you make it through it, at the end you'll be epik. (Which you are. ^_^)

nngo 04-29-2012 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280780)
I think because it makes you stronger. It makes you a better person. Like… purifying something by fire, a bit. It hurts, but if you make it through it, at the end you'll be epik. (Which you are. ^_^)

“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”

Like that.

AlgebraAddict 04-29-2012 04:27 PM

O__O

LST...


Don't ever, ever dislike yourself. Ever.




And Chels, your auntie is probably just jealous. You look really, really pretty.

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 04:40 PM

I love that quote. ^.^

I can't really not dislike myself… To me, that would mean being sorta content with myself and then I couldn't change, couldn't be better.
For some reason, my library's website depresses me a bit… o_o xD

AlgebraAddict 04-29-2012 04:46 PM

b
Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280852)
I love that quote. ^.^

Quote:

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 280852)

I can't really not dislike myself… To me, that would mean being sorta content with myself and then I couldn't change, couldn't be better.
For some reason, my library's website depresses me a bit… o_o xD


Hmm... go for the moderate?




And for my rant.





Who the hell am I?

I feel like someone I don't know... I keep on wishing to be someone else. Why can't I just be who I am? Sometimes I feel that people don't like who I am... but when I try, I don't like myself.

L.S.Trendom 04-29-2012 04:59 PM

The moderate? :confused:

You don't seem like someone who doesn't know who they are to me… Who you are is awesome. :D

nngo 04-29-2012 05:00 PM

Who the hell am I?

I feel like someone I don't know... I keep on wishing to be someone else. Why can't I just be who I am? Sometimes I feel that people don't like who I am... but when I try, I don't like myself.
[/quote]

That sounds somewhat like myself.

LaurenM 04-30-2012 03:53 AM

Is it normal that I only know I exist when I remind myself? What I do and what I think seems to have no connection with me.

LaurenM 04-30-2012 10:40 AM

There's this so-called 'loser' in our class and everyone's bullying her. I keep persuading my friend Kyla, the one who triggered the dynamite to stop it, and the 'loser' said 'I GET BAD MARKS I AM STUPID. EVERYONE HATES ME. I AM UGLY."
The last line makes me want to cry D: The 'loser' finally stuck up for herself and it seems better now.

AlgebraAddict 04-30-2012 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 281187)
Is it normal that I only know I exist when I remind myself? What I do and what I think seems to have no connection with me.


Sometimes I'm like that too...

LaurenM 04-30-2012 11:01 AM

Yay. My mum thought I was insane when I told her that. I've learnt not to confide in her about these stuff.

rebecca 04-30-2012 11:29 AM

I don't have interest in personalities. When I know a person, they are still just a person. They become a fixture, with an attitude, but I don't see them as a mind.

AlgebraAddict 04-30-2012 11:30 AM

I would never tell my parents how I feel about myself. I wouldn't put it past them to consult the priest. :rolleyes:





Anyway... I think I have minor OCD. It's weird... If I see an open door, I feel really, really insecure. If a line isn't perfectly straight, I redraw it and redraw it. If I'm watching my mom cook and there's a little vegetable the spoon's not getting to, I am so bothered that I pick it off myself and throw it in with the rest. Sometimes, if my brother so much as looks at me, I flip out at him. I hate it, hate it, hate it. It makes me feel so vulnerable.

rebecca 04-30-2012 11:32 AM

Make it your strength then. My weirdness is the best part about me. The fact I cannot let a grammar error go is strange, but so am I.


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