oh boy I gotchu about the weird memory stuff.
and yes! like grace, i'm still here. we'll bring kp back to life... eventually

Appreciate it guys, thanks
And yeah the memory thing was just totally tripping me out yesterday, lol I'm just trying not to dwell on it

memory is hard sometimes man.

I have a bit of a vent, I guess.
So my family has had bad experiences with dogs. My older sister has wanted a dog for as long as she can remember and so my mother has tried a couple times, always with catastrophic results. Or Dog-astrophic.

Anyhow, we ran into two puppies and took them in a few weeks ago. All was going well for once and I was quite enchanted by the littermates. I've been busy with school so I didn't have much time to play with them, but they were really cute.

Today they got out unattended and one of them got hit by a car. She's dead and her brother's alone.

oh god
that's really awful im sorry. it sucks when pets die tbh its just really really terrible and I'm super bad at empathizing but I hope the brother is ok

Current mood: I’m v pissed and don’t want to be here for one more second but I’m trying to not show it bc I know it won’t do anything

bitchhh
i miss kidpub.
its as much a home to me as the one i've lived in all my life
bitch im crying ugh

same
Me all the time ughhhh

so I'm trying to apply to other schools which is a huge process with applications and essays and recommendations and interviews and crazy shit. and I feel bad because I'm currently at a school I had to apply to but ok. and I have to re-take the SSAT which was hella stressful, and then some schools need incoming juniors to take the SAT as well so now I'm taking both and I have 11 days (including today) to study for the SAT. I'm a fucking sophomore why am I doing this to myself. and I also need to ask my teachers who I love to write recommendations so that I can leave my current school and I just think that sucks so much and I feel awful about it. also I'm just not ready to take the SAT all the seniors are doing a ton of prep for it and I cant join the study groups because I'm a sophomore so I have to do everything all on my own again and its awful

I don't really even know what's up with my emotions anymore? Somedays I'm completely fine and I love where I am, the people around me, what I'm doing... I can even tolerate myself. But then other days it's just this hot, oozing mess of anger and resentment and this need to hurt people and I know the way I act when I feel that way is wrong, and so are the things I want to do, but I just can't stop. I know I'm being a (*ahem* if you are smol cover your ears (or I guess in this case eyes)) fucking bitch, I know I'll regret it later, hell I regret it in the moment but I just can't stop, I hate the way I act, I hate the people around me and myself and every single thing that comes out of their mouths is infuriating and Makes me want to hurt them, I want to hurt everyone, even myself. I want to wreck everything I want to ruin my relationships, I want to hurt the people around me, mentally and physically, and it makes me feel sick and I hate it and even though I despise it I just keep going and I don't know why it just doesn't stop even though I know when it ends all I'll have done for myself is create a big mess and make myself miserable and just ugh. All I want to do is destroy things, break them beyond repair, make people realize that I can and will hurt them. I just feel so angry and gross and I don't know.
And then when it's over, it's just... over. The anger always comes suddenly, with little warning, and it goes the same way. Within minutes I feel either normal or hollow but either way I never really feel bad about it until later, its hard to explain I guess? I don't know.
And then other days I just feel so sad and it happens just like the rage but instead of wanting to stab people all I want to do is curl up and cry about anything and everything. I try to think about happy things but all I can think about are my mistakes and everything I hate about myself and how much other people must hate me and I try to grasp onto any positive thought but it's just a slippery slope of negitivity and tears. And it it lasts for so long, feeling like it's dragging me down forever and when it's gone I feel so exhausted.
And both things always happen so quickly over practically nothing and I just don't really know what to do with myself anymore.
Maybe I'm just emotional, idk. Anyway, sorry for bothering you and wasting your time.