Originally Posted by strawberry
(Post 574368)
@ena
so i can relate to more of your post than i thought
i know the fear of people and being rejected and using fictional characters to escape reality and not being good enough, and yes getting attached can be really scary bc half the time im just waiting to mess up and for people to just walk away once they realize how screwed up i am, but with me i think it's just that i think too much. i don't know how your situation is, but when i start to question every action and every word that comes from me, as well as other people, it gets kind of difficult to actually interact or feel confident. add in stupid decisions and stuff from past and i start to question why people bother. i completely understand why you feel that real people are no good, and it can feel pretty unfair when only certain people get all the luck and good things, and that can make life feel pretty shitty in general.
i have struggled (and am still struggling lol) with self-esteem problems, although i usually have highs and lows, but the number one thing that i think would help in any case is to try not to think of could haves and should haves. there are infinite possibilities that might occur but if they haven't, then there's no use contemplating them if they're not going to help in the long run. even if you feel someone could reject you at any moment, if they haven't and it doesn't seem like they will, then i think it's not worth having your mind on it. i know those thoughts can be like a defense mechanism sometimes, to maybe prepare for something inevitable, but trust me, it's not always inevitable even if you feel that way.
also, this probably won't mean much, but you're not pathetic or worthless or a piece of trash. i don't know you that well, and we've only talked about animanga (which is the one wholly perfect and positive thing in life) but honestly, i feel like labels (if any, since im usually not a fan of them) should be left up to others to decide. maybe it's like a thing to prepare yourself for the words coming out of others, but it's not worth it when they just repeat themselves in your head and lower your confidence even more. and even then, even if someone calls you pathetic, just tell yourself that they're not one to judge when they have time in their lives to call someone pathetic when they could be doing something that isn't. so basically what im trying to say is, try not to insult yourself, and try not to let other's words effect you as well. i know im giving my advice in an incredibly tedious and probably nonsensical manner and that i might be misreading your situation completely (i am so sorry if i did) but i do want to help in some way and i hope this works
as for being a perfectionist and setting expectations too high, ive been there, if only about singing, and im gonna say this. if you want to reach your expectations, work harder. if you think you can't, maybe lower them a little bit? or set up a bunch of smaller goals leading up to the big one? i know for a fact that every time i reach my goal, i get a higher one that's more difficult, which may be why im never fully satisfied with my singing, but then again isn't that basically life? you just strive to reach your goals. lowering expectations isn't as easy as i make it sound, i know, but just know that feeling not good enough won't amount to any improvement either. although one can't exactly control that feeling. but yeah, i hope that moderately helps :3
also can i just say that wondering if you care more about a friendship than the other is a terrifying prospect and someone being your first priority but maybe not being theirs is something that is a constant fear in my life? but again, there's no use overthinking it, even tho it's kind of uncontrollable. i think the main thing here is just try to be content with what's going on right now, like you both are friends and he could leave you and he could be someone else's best friend - there is always that possibility - but so far as you know, he isn't, and those thoughts don't need to be in your mind right now c:
and starting high school can be scary af but (as i think i said once before) it's never as scary as we make it out to be. like the day before i started sophomore year in a new continent, i wrote a vent poem about wanting to move back bc i was convinced id mess up and that it would be hell xD but it's not, and it's actually better than school in the past, and i was pleasantly surprised. so that's always a possibility too ^_^
wow okay i wrote a lot and i related to a lot of this and i hope you feel better about at least some of these insecurities and im always there if you want to talk (:
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