she's been by my side since i was two and i just lost her to a bunch of lies
she was the main reason to why i was happy about breaking my 7-year streak of homeschooling and going to her school and i wanted to see her face every weekday for 8 hours for the next 3 years of my life.
she's known me longer than the people there and since she first started going to the school and now she let the people get to her.
they told her i said this and did that and she believed them
since then, she pretty much rewrote her memory and now she thinks of me negatively.
i don't even know what i did wrong or at least what they said i did wrong
last friday she smiled and spoke to me all day and i only find now that she only did this to have her last memory of me as her friend and she blocked me on all media
this person has been bugging me for a while. and this person's friend and i truced so that nothing gets to our friendship. this person's best friend texted me an apology and recited it for the second time in front of me and my friends and whispered with her about it and she just looked at me laughing like i was a joke


is it normal to be betrayed after a decade of friendship because of a lie that went on for only three months? is this just a life-lesson that we all experience?

my thoughts are that she is nothing but a gullible liar and gullible liars aren't built for friends like me and that i don't need her. but she's been with me so long that i really do need her. she knows me 100% and i trusted her with every one of my secrets and now she's capable of telling everybody each one

2009- met each other
2011- decided we wanted to be best friends
2014- tells me she likes somebody more than me
2016- she becomes a whole different person
2018- what a damn idiot she is


this planet is truly disappointing.

was losing my shit today and finally got desperate enough to actually use the crisis/trauma hotline and all i found was that very vague general disconnected responses just aren’t helpful for me- i’m not against them, i know they’re genuinely useful to a lot of people and i’m not dismissing that- so just fucking sobbed for like two hours because i have no one to turn to since my friends from home are busy and i have a shaky relationship with my parents and i feel so incredibly guilty for talking about it with my friends here. like it’s been almost four months and i feel i should be over it or st least not like this but then at the same time i’m terrified of getting over it or forgetting him. and it’s good that the dorm switch happened, it’s fun living in the barn and all, but also now every time i open my door o see straight down the hallway to the fire escape and can just think about how that’s where he died. and that’s exactly why it’s so important that the switch happened- so that the kids who found his body and held him and called 911 and have PTSD and shit can get OUT- but it’s just so draining to constantly be thinking about that. and that’s why i feel so guilty for complaining about it here- so many people have much more valid reasons to be doing badly and all my trauma is secondhand vs firsthand. i just feel stuck and sad and stressed and i don’t want to be st this school right now and i don’t want to always be thinking about it but then again i don’t him to just fade from my mind.

I'm so sorry.

and your feelings are totally valid. Even if it's second-hand trauma, that does not negate the fact that you are hurting. If you don't want to post on here, you can always talk to me. My email is xrmwnerdx@gmail.com, and that's the email on my contact tab on the main site.

I want to reply to you all but I also want to vent so, if you wrote a vent and it's on this page, go search the next reply because I wrote something for you there.

In other news, I'm digging myself a hole for my life to die in. and it's hard to even think about, because all i feel is my vagus nerve jabbing my heart and my throat closing up. i can't focus for long enough to put together a real plan of action. i'm hoping writing it all down like this will help because I don't really have a safety net.
This semester I took four college classes. They all ended, one of them I handed in half the assignments and took no tests, another I never even opened the textbook for, which means I failed them both and the other two I barely passed. I do not know if I can sign up for next semester classes because the date for that, according to my mother, has already passed. This is no one's fault but my own, I'm lazy, I prioritized writing over school and spent way more time than anyone should watching netflix while sitting at a desk with a pen and paper writing two sentences an hour. I didn't take my classes seriously, I didn't take the steps I needed to take, and now I'm here and I don't know how to fix this.
I haven't told my parents because I'm trying to buy myself as much time as possible. I'm embarrassed to tell them. and I'm looking for jobs so i can transition to working and make it less of a big deal for them, but the options here are limited and I don't know if i can handle working retail again. I know it's pathetic and dramatic but i hate retail so much, it makes me hate myself, it makes me want to curl up and cry, and i've been away from most of society for so long that i don't think i have the social skills to make anyone in any section of retail happy.
I should grit my teeth and get a terrible retail job but aside from hating them i'm also holding out to see if writing will pull me in some money. If i can get Ash and Cinder finished I can self publish it and get some revenue, and there are several contests that I can enter. but editing is going slowly and there always seems to be more things to fix, i'm struggling to keep track of them all and struggling even more to find the right words to fix things. and I cannot, for the life of me, write flash fiction that will put me anywhere near a contest shortlist because i'm unfocused and drowning in writer's block. I also can't write poetry, period. and I don't *have* a published manuscript to submit to the contests that accept those. so, yeah, i'm scraping at a brick-wall dead end with a plastic spoon in hopes that i'll dig my way out of this alley before the retail-job-racing-car splatters my will to live all over said dead end.

i'm so, so tired.
p.s. having written this, i now feel better. but i also cried while writing this so i don't know whether the 'better' feeling is just a dopamine rush or if i genuinely am ready to throw myself back into working things out. I hope it's the latter, but we'll see. tomorrow, we'll see. or.. later today. its 5:30am rn. anyways.

heyy, I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and I hope you're friends get done with their college stuff soon. I can't offer you any advice since you've already taken the best step and come here to talk about it. but, if you're ever feeling lonely in the future feel free to hit me up on instagram or through email. we can send memes or you can fill me in on the history of that rainbow-barfing doodle guy you post to your stories, or something like that. :)

aww, that sucks :(
you can't really change her opinion or what's happened in the past, it seems like the best solution is to just move on. this girl obviously caused you a lot of stress, and while it must feel awful to lose a friend like that, lingering on what happened can make it even worse. You can always come and vent on KP if you get frustrated or upset by her, but for the most part I'd say just let go of the situation and focus on building up the friendships that you do have.

hey there, i'm so sorry that you had to experience what you did and it's terrible that you're stuck facing reminders every day. I hope your school finds a therapist who's actually good at their job and can give you the help and support you need.

if you ever want to vent, or just distract yourself with conversation, you can always message me on ig or discord. also, i don't know your comfort level but i do remember you mentioning your school's wifi gets shut off at midnight so, if it's within your comfort zone i can give you my number and you can text anytime.

I'm sorry i can't offer you anything more tangible than that, but i do hope that things get better for you soon.

I was going to vent here but my problems don't matter compared to what you all go through. Wow. Long story short: I'm feeling really empty n sad n not my crazy happy self lately n I mean I just wish the girl who I trusted so much (my ex bff) never existed so I wouldn't be sitting here feeling so alone.

Best wishes, Swallow. I know saying "hope you feel better" or giving a virtual hug or something never really helps. But sadly, that's all I have to give, me being younger than all of you with no advice. So, virtual hug from me and probably everyone else too. Remember: you can always talk to us!


Re, as for you, we are here and could always help you edit. You have contact with some of us, right? I'm sure you do. Don't know if your story is child safe, but my email is up on the contact thread on randomize if you ever need a different perspective.

Have a great year everyone.


:)

thanks everyone for the lovely messages <3 it means a lot. i’m doing ok in general but sometimes it just all hits me again and it’s so tiring lol.

i’m so sorry you’re struggling with that, that sounds terrible. if you ever want to talk you can always message me. you will get through this and come out the other side i promise

hey ur problems are totally valid i promise! if you’re sad or empty that is something and you always deserve support! i’m sorry you’re going through a tough time with an ex friend. that really does suck. i know it feels like nothing will ever replace that but i promise you have other people all around you who care!

hey thanks so much for this! I didn't reply right away but it certainly made me feel loads better <3
and I'm happy you noticed the rainbow barfing dude! that's a story for another day though


and as for everyone else honestly i'm very mentally exhausted right now and don't have the capacity or capability to offer words of comfort right now but know that someone always cares, and kidpub will always be your safe place. Love you all!