But people at my school wouldn't believe me that I self harm and I'm suicidal because I smile and laugh a lot, just to cover it up. And depression doesn't always have to have a reason. Sometimes, it doesn't need a reason, or it's just genetic.

Sorry if I sounded arrogant. Her "I'm depressed," sounded insincere. I just didn't like the way things were playing out. Thanks for helping.

Guise. For you:

I'm safe
Up high
No - one can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?

is this about her post that I was reblogging?
*huggles* you don't mess everything up.

that's what started/restarted it… not that it's at all your fault, or that you should refrain from doing so in the future.

Hi.
Sorry, EVT... Every night, almost as if on a schedule, I get like this at ten pm, New York time. Every night. I can honestly rely on this feeling to let me know when it's ten o'clock because I'll get so down on myself and it doesn't go away until it passes in about two hours, or until I vent it out.
So here goes.
No one has to reply to this. This is just a vent, and really has no other function.
fat fat fat fat fat... fat. ugy. gross. fugly. you can't dress worth crap, sandy... you let your hair grow too long and your bangs look like crap. your face is fat and you'll never have curves--fat. fat fat fat fat fat.

the worst part is that you know no matter how much you work out
how little you eat
how much you weigh
you'll always be fat
you'll never get rid of this feeling of worthlessness

fat Sandy, fat Sandy, fat Sandy who only weighs 135 lbs and knows that she's really not that fat. that it's not really that bad. that people aren't what they look like; that sandy is not her fat. she is not her diet plan, she is not her exercise regime, she is not her clothing or her weight.

she is her anxiety, she is her insecurity, she is her false narcissism and every fear for the future and every regret from her past. she can be anything, but she is not her weight.
she knows this.
but this doesn't stop me from treating myself like a number or a percentage

I feel a little bit better... I guess.

My classmate E said she was depressed and cut herself once. I think she though she was depressed for a short moment. Because she apparently doesn't have any friends.
She does.
But about the family thing: it's not just big families who have problems. I'm middle class and am a single child, but my parents used to argue every night and say they'd divorce. Sometimes they smash things, particularly my dad. Now, things are more subdued, but I don't know...
SOBERRRRRR.

Ugh... *hugs* You're an amazing person, Sandy.

YEEESSS YUUUSSS YIIIISSS
lauren!! yes

I could be texting or emailing you this but that feels a little out of place.
I really like talking to you. It doesn't even matter if you're just bored or need advice or you want to talk or you're replying to a text I sent while you were at school.
It makes me feel useful and it makes me feel okay and safe and like someone might actually want to talk to me.
I think you once said that I'll realize I'm good enough. Although I still dislike myself a lot, I feel a bit better about myself each day. Maybe because the "you're awesome"'s you slip in almost every convo that makes me think 'that annoying little shit' and 'that amazing little shit' at the same time.
I don't know if you know how much you mean to me. You mean a lot to me, though. The thing that gets me through my day is seeing a new message from you. And I constantly daydream about meeting you. Of course, I daydream of what it'd be like to meet G and Cheeze and other KPers, too, but you're the first on my long list. Thank you for being there when no one else is.
*huggles*
*sends you an army of cheerleading Jensen Ackles*
*and Mooses*
*and Mishas*

ahaha wow this sounds strangeish but you're just my best friend that's all and im scared of losing you and i just really like talking to you

*cries* I don't even know how you can hate yourself or how your parents can treat you like that or how you can say you hurt them. These things just belong in the ?????whut why????? section of my brain.

I slept for thirteen hours last night. From five to six. I got no homework done.

I'm going on a jackrabbit survey. To get away from my family, amongst other things.

And none of my goddamn friends are going, which is a good thing. A very good thing.

Yes: my symptoms will completely stop when I stop growing.

-.-

Oh, what have I done wrong?

For now, I have to stay in a leg boot and hobble around while my friends stare at me pitifully.

And as for gymnastics, I get to go for three hours four times a week and do JUST strength training.

X_X

Don't listen to them. If you like P!nk, then thats fine. Its none of their concern.

Yup. But. Okay.

That's my life, except with Rammstein.
Everyone gets freaked out by German metal.
:I


(*sits in corner of shame*)

BUT I LOVE THEM

Fun at first.
Not fun when you get tired and feel like a zombie.

it's just my feeling that i'm worthless is all.
exaaaactly.

That sounds pretty rough. But at least they will stop, I guess.

you arent worthless.

i know. and yet, i still think that i am.

*huggles* *wraps you in a blanket and feeds you candy*

Yesss I do want to talk to you, I like talking to you, because you're my friend and you're awesome.
I'm really really glad you're getting closer to realising how awesome you are, you deserve it. :D
No need to thank me. *huggles back*
*sits in corner and huggles cheerleading Jensens, Mooses, and Mishas*

^^ exactly the same to you (except the last one…)
and because a) i'm a worthless f***ed up empty piece of shit, b) idk they're really blind, and c) if i'm thinking of the right thing… because that's what they said, that's what happened, and i sorta understand part of how i hurt them……

YAY!
I don't either, aside from History and English. And you can't not pay attention in PE. I was completely alone in Top 25 because everyone around me were people who study crazily. We're just smart. ;)

thank you.

it's just, today is gonna be awkward as hell and probably amazing too but no matter what happens today i know it won't last and i just, we need it to last, not just me. but i know that i'll keep on my mask and we won't talk and it won't matter in the end because it's never going to be us again, because we could've done something, no, i could've done something, and i never did because i'm a f***ing coward. and i get that, like, this could have been done so much better by other people, and it's happening to other people, but it's also happening to us. and yeah, yes, i do, well, blame myself. i can make excuses for myself like i've been doing all my life but lately i can't tell reality from my dreams and it's terrifying and the lines are all blurring and i just want to tell the truth for once, no excuses, just--it's me. it's just me. and i hate me.

refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh. refresh.
breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe. breathe.
cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry. cry.

and yes, this would confirm it.

please
just
stop

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc...ho1_r1_500.gif
i'll just go now.

You don't get graded in religion?!
I'm so jealous. Very. Very. Jealous. The teacher's forcing me to pay attention. Ish.

yes
you
will
please
please
eat

i did eat
and i hate myself
yay
life is wonderful
la la laaaaaaa
*shoots self*

I haven't talked in more than one syllable in about three days.

It's so peaceful inside my head.

I like it like this.

btw, burritos are disgusting.
just my opinion.