of course i can loathe myself.
i can also argue several points against your theory, but i think it would kind of make you feel bad, and i'm trying to not do that stuff anymore.



case in point.
in fifth grade, i was a bitch. i mean, like, an actual state of the art annoying as fuck please shove my face in a toilet bitch. i judged people harshly and meanly and was crude rude disgusting purposely irritating and just, altogether, an extreme bitch. somehow my little ten year old mind pieced it together that since no one really liked me, i would make it so that i didn't want to be liked. i was a bitch. a flatout bitch. there is actually no better way to describe fifth grade me other than a bitch.
in sixth grade i wasn't much better.
briefly, in seventh grade, believe it or not, i actually gathered a rather large grouping of friends.
eighth grade, that fell to shit.
and i'm still a bitch, honestly, i just don't really care that i'm a bitch anymore. of course i consciously hate myself, but subconsciously, due to my unemotional state of depression, i don't care. but subconsciously, due to my overemotional state of anxiety, i do care. i care too much. but also, i don't give a fuck.
so i'm mean and cruel and often downright horrible to people and when i'm doing it, saying shit that doesn't mean anything but still hurts people, it doesn't matter to me. it's only later when i replay my words that i give myself a proper punishment in return for what i did to the people i talked trash at.
i'm a vicious cycle within myself, honestly. i think if i actually was a decent human being deep in my soul i would be able to stop it.
but i've never been anything near a decent human being. and i never will be. and i'm okay with that. i don't care, says my depression. you should care, says my anxiety. the depression wins a lot. the anxiety comes in brief bursts. sometimes it converges with depression into suicidal urge, and i think that there is nothing to be gained by myself being on this planet, because i'm certainly not helping the situation here.
but i'm also vain and overly logical and my brain loves to point out some of my flawless one-liners and some of the very few good pieces of writing i've produced and also my extreme talent for math.
and i decide that i'm too important to kill myself just yet.
that doesn't mean the feeling is gone forever.
it means i've proven it wrong, for now.

Um, I don't really know where I should post this? It might be better suited for the girls thread or crush discussion thread, but he's NOT my "crush" as you people call it... and he doesn't make me feel "girly."

This is one of my really close childhood friends... I say childhood friend because I haven't seen much of him in the last two years and haven't communicated with him since like, last fall... Though I need to send him an iTunes gift card. Anyways, our younger sisters are in the same grade and are friends, so every year for my sister's birthday party my sister invites both my friend's sister and my friend. But... I don't know... I haven't talked to him and I feel kind of like an idiot... I don't know if we're still friends... I've changed and I'm not really the same person he was close friends with... I wonder if he could still be friends with the me of today? I read through our old texts... And I just feel like some kind of clingy b*tch that wasn't so much a friend as an obsessive stalker. There were these long string of texts of mine met with no reply from him, and they just seem so chipper and cheerful and annoyingly clingy/obsessive, though he did always make me smile more than most. I don't know if he's changed, too...? The last twoish times I've seen him, we didn't even talk. We're just two smart and talented kids (though he much more than me) that do a lot of the same things, so we still see each other on occasion even though we go to different schools now... He waved to me twice and briefly interacted with me once. One could say I was happy to see him... I guess that's how you'd describe it. Although, it was really like a tight grip squeezed my heart for a moment or two... got dayum that sounds sappy. He looked happy to see me? But I don't really know? Most of my friends are the 'quiet to the outsider, crazy to the insider' type.

So... This year I want to invite him to my sister's party again? But I don't want to seem desperate or obsessive or clingy again? And if he did come, I wouldn't want it to be awkward? Do we even have stuff to talk about anymore? Even if we do it still might be awkward... Cos we can both be awkward people. Plus it's gonna be a pool party??? If you can see where I'm going? And sorry for all the question marks...

I guess... We were friends for a reason? I should have faith in him cos we've been friends for so long? I dunno.

Also there may have been this one time in third grade when we kissed-- but you know we were just third graders and bleh. That could make things awkward but I kind of dismissed it as a dream... But that's pointless anyways as I'm not open to love anymore and have lost any desire for a future boyfriend or husband as goes the ebb and flow of time and equivalent exchange. AND NO IM NOT CRUSHING ON HIM NOR IS HE CRUSHING ON ME. WE MAY HAVE HAD SOME NAIVE CHILDISH CRAP IN THE PAST BUT BLEH. just... Awkward past "romantic" tension

AND YES THIS IS THE GUY OKAY
yeah

Dude I know that feel

fucking insomnia

Lenaaaaa I know that feeling *huggles and gives cookies*
Ew shh. *more huggles*

Talk to him. Totally go for it. Me be wishing you luck. *pushes you toward childhood friend*

I really really hate girls who think they're above other girls because They don't wear makeup or dresses, they watch anime instead of romantic comedies, or they read books about war rather than read books about typically girly stuff.

Honestly.
Does it MATTER?
You're not above them.
Stop.

There is no above and no below. In fact, status is directionless, as is life.

It's all a matter of personal taste and preference.

That was my point. We're all equal.

I'm scared of life.