| HeatherB |
11-12-2012 09:26 PM |
So this just happened:
My dad got really pissed off at me because I was apparently supposed to do my math homework and that's why my mom semi-yelled at me to get the hell off the computer. Instead, I got off the computer and dragged my ass to my room, upon which I wrote depressing stuff about the Holocaust Museum and my life in general and cried a lot because I'm a really arrogant little brat and to make it worse I was listening to songs like 'Reflection' from Mulan and 'Perfect' by P!nk right before I got off the computer, I was already in that kind of mood and this made it worse and so I hated myself for a good thirty minutes alone in my room crying and writing to get it all out and then my dad came outside the door and asked me when I was going to do my math homework. And I was just kinda like 'wtf' because I didn't remember them asking me to do that at all. And he got all disappointed and parental like and said 'I'm kind of upset' which is dad-speak for 'Why don't you ever do anything we want you to?' and I felt like super-guilty because the first thought that came to my mind is 'and you don't think I'm not upset?' Can't parents take a hint? I was listening to all my when-i'm-feeling-like-shit music and I basically "locked" (I never actually lock myself in my room but y'know I just kind of don't let anyone in and pretend there's a lock there) myself in my room for thirty minutes or so. And my excuse was 'I was getting ready for bed' because let's face it, if I'd told him 'I don't remember you saying anything like that today' which is the truth, he would've been all 'oh REAAALLLYYY' in that supreme parent way which is basically their twisted form of sarcasm. And he wouldn't've believed me anyways. Soooo... that's pretty much why I lied. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that after this, I go out and do my math homework and my dad was downstairs on the computer for a bit, but then he came up and asked me if I was feeling okay. Confused, I replied, "why would you ask that?" He didn't answer and instead said, "are you having allergy problems?" And I said, "no." And he said, "were you crying?" And I didn't answer. What does one say to that, really? When you most obviously WERE and you thought you were hiding it but apparently NOT, because your dad just asked you--ahhh, my god, I'm kind of freaking out. Does this mean he hears when I scratch myself almost to the bleeding point in the bathroom? When I slam my fists down on the sink and furiously sing, quiet though it may be, under the sound of running water? I don't know. I don't know. I like my secrets just as much as the next person but this is fucking unnerving. Especially if you THINK you're hiding it but then it's like um NO and I just really don't know what to do. I'm asking for advice, I guess.
...oh yeah, I started scratching again and the depression's come back and I thought when I started writing my novel on it that I would overdramatize some aspects but maybe they weren't such an overdramatization and maybe I'm more like my main character than I thought because god. God, I'm so scared. I thought this was gone, I thought it was done with, I don't even know why it's fucking come back after all this time. I didn't feel like telling anybody. I guess I never got around to it.
And one last thing: I kind of want a therapist. My parents asked me about it once when I was in 5th grade because I was having trouble controlling my emotions (similar to what's going on now, I guess) and I was all *rollseyes* 'LOL NO THAT'S STUPID' but see now I kind of WANT a therapist just to vent to someone who's not my friend, someone who knows nothing about me but who can still care about me. I guess I need more faith in humanity is what I'm saying sort of and going to the Holocaust Museum today in school as a field trip and it didn't help. I have to go now but I might add more later.
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