why aren't you allowed on? that sucks :c

<3

Yeah, you're required to take a performing arts class in middle school and you can choose between drama, band, strings, or choir. In high school it's an audition thing which I will hopefully get into because we have the most absolutely badass high school choir of all time.


YES

oh and also I'm singing Brave with my brother for our morning assembly :3

I've had this booming headache all freaking day and I got home like half an hour ago and ever since I can't stop crying.
I took some Tylenol and told my mom and stuff. I think it's a migraine. I looked up what a migraine feels like and this is it.
Still crying.

u guys are so sweet omg thank you ;-;

ahh, you're so lucky it's audition! no audition choirs here, only open & chamber voices (which most of them aren't evEN THAT GOOD) which is invite. but i have lessons with the conductor so'
cool!
D: hope you feel better soon. ask your parents if they have migraines, it is sometimes genetic, i know in my case it is from my mum :)
---
i took the day off school today, 1 bc i had an operation on tuesday and im still in pain but mostly bc im so scared to go and see everyone andweksjdfjsd

Thanks. :)
Oh no! What did you have done?

extractions :P two in the top jaw, two in the bottom but the one of the bottom on the right was under the gum so i had to go to hospital and i was asleep ahahha, not that dramatic XD You said a while ago you were going to have some done, how did that go

i full-out cried for the first time in a few weeks yesterday night.
i thought it would make me feel better.
but then my mom got upset at my dad because he was the one who triggered me into crying (well, not really, i triggered myself by being stupid, but she thought it was his fault) and then he got upset at himself and then i got more upset because i didn't want either of them to be upset at each other and
every time my parents argue (and it just keeps getting more and more frequent especially when my panic attacks increase) it feels like another crack i've put in their relationship and i can't stand that
plus yesterday afternoon i had a really rough therapy appointment because my therapist is digging too deep and i'm so upset because everyone acts like my depression is triggered by a little switch in my life somewhere along the way and if they just flip it it'll be gone and turned off even my therapist and THAT'S NOT TRUE my depression comes and goes and sometimes i am literally five years old inside of my head and giggly and other times i am mid-thirties and hardened and serious and practical but also arrogant and sometimes i am who i've come to believe is the real me, some bitch in high school who tries too hard to make people laugh just so she can leech off of their emotion when she lacks it and then when she has too many emotions she boards them up inside herself and i /think/ that's me but honestly i think i lost my personality sometime during 8th grade and now i'm just a sack of bones and water who takes up too much space in her tiny world and yet somehow i'm still trying to get bigger.
also getting back to my original point about my therapist can she please not go digging for painful things about my life that she finds unhealthy but i actually LIKE and why doesn't she trust me when i say it's not the problem because trust me when/if i find my 'problem' i will KNOW but she takes the pieces of my life and tells me i'm doing it wrong, and tries to rearrange them and shove them back to me and it just hurts more because i know when i don't change (because i never change. i never have. i have developed, i have grown somewhat, but i have not truly changed and i doubt i ever really will) she will hate me like i hate myself for knowing the answer but not actually writing it down, finding the solution but never applying it to the problem because i LIKE the problem and i LIKE the pain but the last time i told a therapist that i almost got hospitalized and had a huge panic attack and i'm not letting that happen ever again the hospital terrifies me and things that scare me do not help me they just make it worse why don't people trust that i know what is good and bad for myself? i do know what is good for myself and what is bad for myself. i have lived in this body fourteen years, i have some inkling of how it works.
anyways, adding to this mountain of fuck-ups i've committed, i was texting back and forth with my gf on saturday and then i complimented her and she said stop but i sent another anyways (because i'm fucking STUPID) and then she said please please stop just don't please don't and i apologized but i still feel awful i'm not supposed to make her feel bad i should feel bad she doesn't deserve bad i deserve bad
anyway i'm done ok sorry for ranting i just needed to get this out of my emotional capacity

*hugs u v tightly*
you're not a fuck up ok i love u bunches
noooo you're not stupid for sending her another compliment. it was a mistake but u didn't know that. i would've done the same thing man

oh great i feel like shit again
what is this why can't i be happy for twelve hours
maybe i don't want to be happy which in that case i can't be helped
maybe i don't want to be helped which in that case i'll never be happy
but why am i ranting now no one cares
no one should care this crap is rubbish
sorry for spamming the thread every two days or something
but idk what else to do i feel lifeless
losing my writing, my singing, my reason to live
without those things i'm really just useless and no one cares
but i just can't hurt myself again because i'm too scared
i feel so weak
ignore this guys