sorry
 

@alaska: sorry i can't help now. i'm fairly mentally exhausted and everything, and i'm not sure what you're going through. but if you need to talk i'm here okay? sorry in advance if all i do is say some random science filled explanation because all i am is an emotionless music playing self destroying robot now

i'm sitting down to practice right now
my left thumb isn't fully operational
i will regret this but there's nothing better to do now is there
i can always play it back to health and at least i have wrist splints and volleyball if i need to rest awhile
http://vocaroo.com/i/s16tasY4mz90 you can hear me say "frick this shit" and nearly cry at the end. that's how freaking tired i am now. and this is an accurate but watered down representation of what i'm doing. also the loud notes were me giving up on life bc this is a soft piece and i'm angry at my fingers

alaska: im sorry man, you can talk to me whenever,

meera: im not feeling to great either, but i listened to it and i thought it sounded really good even though you may not think so. i really hope you take a break, even for an hour, go on tumblr or for a walk outside maybe.

guess what
i'm legitimately not practicing now
:D

don't quote tbh. sorry about the cussing
 

i try to be positive and nice and forgiving and a good example and act like i'm happy and help people on kp who are sad and i hate venting bc i don't rly like attention but i'm not really ok at all and prozac isn't doing shit for me except draining my appetite and i have so much pressure to pull my socks up and get good grades for exams and mocks and attend FULL days at school and not have relapses and be perfect and ok and i'm trying so hard but i'm super overwhelmed and not prepared for school next week and everyone always says put yourself and your mental health first but if i do that i'm not satisfying anyone i'm not responsible or organized or smart or the perfect student and it's bullshit there's too much pressure and why is it so hard for me to make friends i hate everyone but when i find someone i like i get so fucking clingy and i lose them my last friend fucking shattered me and acts like i don't exist but i know that if she'd ever turn back to me i would forgive her straight away i swim oceans for people who wouldn't even dip their toes in the water for me and i'm so sad i'm so empty and i can feel a relapse coming and ill probably admit myself to a hospital at this rate i'm so sick of pretending i don't want to kill myself

i hate school i hate school i hate school
I used to love education and learning but frick school is a big-a waste of time and i'm done with all this crap they shove into my head. All of my teachers suck and heaven forbid any of them actually give a crap about enlightening their students rather than shoving useless crap info into our heads and handing out busywork projects so that we have no time to breathe much less actually learn something worthwhile.
I have a friggin c in math and I've never had a B much less a C especially not in math which used to be my favorite subject and now I'm scrambling to write out friggin 283 equations because my teacher decided to assign the stupidest project ever during spring break and I had literally zero time to do it so now I have one friggin night to do all this crap I'm so pissed and I can't believe I'm crying about this crap.
She doesn't even teach us anything she's an idiot and I literally have no idea what she's saying because she never explains anything and everyone hates her and I've NEVER had a C what is this crap I'm so done.
I'm supposed to be the smart one that's all I have i'm not funny or talented or anything I'm just the smart one and now I'm average I'm never getting into college because of one stupid teacher.
I hate all this goshdang busywork frick frick frick so done so done there goes my future I can't do this anymore I want to be homeschooled I HATE this I'm not even learning crap anymore seriously NONE OF THIS WILL BENEFIT ME I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT HYPERBOLAS.
English is the only subject I like even band sucks bc of my stupid band teacher I used to love band I used to love math I used to love school so thanks lame-a teachers for sucking away my passion for learning I need a break from this crap.
/i know this crap is petty I'm just pissed and stressed right now I'm sorry/

i am just oddly glad that i have conditioned myself to not feel anything
i only cry when im physically hurt or having a panic attack or something but at the same time im just a constantly freaked out little tiny child with an obsession with being perfect at everything
but at least emotions aren't getting in the way and it's just me failing to complete tasks i have set out for myself. just had to get that out. this trip is fun so i am 170% alright, but i just had to get that weight of e my chest.

also my carpal tunnel is kicking in whoops
and when my wrists hurt i am a burning ball of angst