Buckle in, guise, and prepare yourself for one of Sandy's rants. ._.
I don't know if it's the insane amount of coffee I've been consuming--probably is--but I've been feeling so weird lately. I feel like it's something I should be trying to express with music or art or anything, anything but words, because it's so... god. It's so hard to describe/reach, and it's so fleeting, but it's something that's been bothering me nonetheless. It's like caught between nostalgia, frustration, confusion, apathy... huh. It's so very strange.
Here goes my best shot...
I've been overthinking things--as usual--and that leads to all sorts of strange thoughts. Plus, it's winter, and all sorts of weird things happen in my brain during winter... I'm living in the future. Which is always much better than living in the past, I mean, but it makes the things around me so difficult to understand. Most of my thoughts have to do with the fact that I'm in high school... I feel like I should be an adult by now, but my mind knows that this is not true. For the first time, I'm
truly caught in the rift between childhood and adulthood--at least, my mind is. I feel like I should have a boyfriend, or a crush, or SOMETHING, but a part of me feels like I'm not ready, another part feels like I wouldn't have time for them, another part just doesn't care. I feel like I should be... I don't know. I feel like I've already broken the childish need for parents to be around, so naturally I suppose it's going to be awkward living in the same house for the next couple years. I guess I'm just anxious for my life to begin, but at the same time there are parts that I don't want to get into, like relationships and stuff... yeah.
I don't want to live on this side of life anymore--does that make sense? It's got absolutely nothing to do with suicide, that phase is long gone, thank freaking god. I want to abandon this physical world where my mind has kept control of me for so long (I am extremely pragmatic and logical by personality), dig into the ground, and keep going until I get to the other side of life, the one that's full of meaning and that euphoric bliss that you get sometimes when something amazing happens. But to do that, or even to experience that I suppose I have to find something of meaning in life, which isn't going to happen. :I So instead I'm going to sit here and let the time rush by me, WAITING for something to change. :/ When is life supposed to truly begin?
This is going to be one of those days where I don't put anything in my mouth expect for some bread at breakfast and then just coffee for the rest of the day until I go to bed... ._. I feel dead, but not in a sad way. Just dead... no emotion to the word. Dead or dying. "Lingering."
(*takes sip of coffee*)
I need a workout.
Pretty sure that's not gonna happen either.
._.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzGgX1DihPw