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You're still young. You're not even a quarter of the way through your life, and you're still limited in what you can do: there're so many more friends you'll make, so many more awesome things you'll do, so many more reasons to keep living. (The following may not really apply, but they sort of helped me.) "It's not enough / It never is / So I will go on until the end." ~ Breaking Benjamin. If life's not worth living… if you keep living, at least it'll be closer to worth living. I found thinking something along the lines of, "Eff this, if life's not worth living, I'll make mine living if only to metaphorically flip off life," helped a bit sometimes, too. (*le rebel*) (It kind of took me a while to fully realise that 'ftw' isn't at all optimisticish. :p) |
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Why, hello there, Ye Olde Trusty Venting Thread. I haven't talked to you in a while....
*le sigh* So I just don't know. Lately, I'll be doing something or thinking something and then I'll realize how b----y it is. And I'll think about how maybe it's not worth it. Life, that is. And this cold clenching feeling will squeeze my heart, and I'll be confused because I don't know if it's horror-mones and I don't know if it's me wanting attention or whatever psychology crap adults try to feed me. I was looking in a bookstore and I picked up a self-help book that actually sounded *gasp* INTERESTING, when my mom wandered over and was all, "Do you want to buy that book?" *takes a closer look at it* "You do know you're in the psychology section?" AWKWARD. It's like, yes and no. I do want to buy that book because I'm interested in what that guy might have to say about depression and such. But NO, I do NOT want to buy that book, because it's in the psychology section and sooner or later my mom's going to ask, "Do you NEED self-help?" and be all worried. And if it's nothing, if this will just blow over by next week (it's been going on for about 4 days now), then I don't want to worry her and waste her money for nothing. (Although I did get the next Heroes of Olympus book for about $20. Not the point.) I just want to see my friends again but I don't want to burden them with all this crazy s--- that I'm going through if it's really truly nothing. And I've been contemplating emailing/venting to my friends, and telling them all this, but this's just not something I want to share as a back-to-school gift. Y'know? It's just been killing me lately. I was seriously thinking about suicide. Like, why's life worth it? Life's a journey that you can change, you can change so many things about the journey, and even make it a halfway good one, but you can't change the final destination. That's always death. There's no escaping it. And maybe I don't want to die, at least, not now. I haven't even published a book and my circus hasn't gone on tour and I can't abandon my friends, people who I at least like to think need/rely on me, and I just don't know. I don't know. I don't feel nervous or excited or ANYTHING. It's that non-feeling that I was feeling before my circus show again, but it's come back strong. Much more intense. And it's not really depression, either. That little positive-encouragement voice in the back of my head is all, "Yeah, you're awesome, you know that," and I do. I mean, sorry if that sounds conceited or whatever, but I'm pretty aware that I've done some awesome things. But I've also done horrid, b----y things and they're all catching up to me at once and I can't believe how awful I am sometimes and that's what's making me want to lose control and jump for once and feel pain just to feel something other than the non-feeling. At this point I don't even know if I'm making sense or rambling or ranting or if it's just the attention-wanting thing again. Well. Sorry about that. Goodnight. |
It's called hormones, girl. You'll figure it out. :)
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HORROR-mones, as I have previously dubbed them. Yersh. Venting always makes me feel a tiddly-bit better. :3
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From your point of view anyways. |
Okay. Vent/rant time.
There are nails and a hammer in my bedroom because we were redoing my paint and stuff and I've just been hammering random nails into my dresser when I'm bored and yanking them out and there's this statuette of Jesus I got for my first communion and for some reason why I picked up a nail without thinking and started hammering into his head and then I stopped before I could make a dent but still I wasn't even thinking and I started internally freaking out and I don't know what the hell is going on with my religion right now 'cause I just feel so far away from God if there even IS and effing God and I keep un-capitalizing His name and what the heck is going on I feel like swearing all the time and I don't want to turn into my brother but I am and yet I don't want to be a goody-two-shoes and I effing don't know what to do 'cause religion is just so effed and and god sometimes I feel like absolute sh*t. There. Ignore that. Effing ignore it. 'Cause I'm effing inwardly fuming. |
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I'm sorry chica. I've done that, trust me I have. I was raised as a Christian until I started actually (/gasp) developing opinions of my own, and realized that my, ahem, Default Religion wasn't cool with my opinions... and when I tried to tell my dad, he basically decided he had failed in life. So we had it out over that, and that was a lot of tears on my part and yelling on his, and then I guess we both decided to pretend it had never happened. Apparently for him, that involves pretending I never did at all, and telling me to say grace and getting into a bunch of talks about his religion and sinners and stuff. It's not like he's a fanatic, really it's not, but he's passionate about his religion and he's just... (I posted a rant on the subject around when this all happened, then I deleted it. So I'll stop now.) Okay, the point. Religion is supposed to be something you believe in, something that you will support and it will support you. It's not all sunshine-and-rainbows but it shouldn't make you feel bad about it. Just relax. You're not going to hell or anything, trust me. You're a freaking amazing person. http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/...24/869/014.jpg |
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