I was a really stupid newbie, oh my god. Still am. XD I think he only thing that saved me was that I had nothing to clog about and I kind of clung to LST and Chiaki, who were cool. XD XD Heheh, McEvil... I confined my spam to the polls section and my comments were full of spazzy run on sentences. ._.

That makes me want a review sooo badly. XD I need someone to beat down my writing so I can build it up again but better, and no one will do it. XD DX


Don't feel bad! I'm scared I'LL say something and hen something will happen and gosh, I don't know. x_x Don't feel bad about anything. I totally understand.
Well, okay, here goes--I'm sorry you're not doing too well... (*hugs cyberly*) I don't know if this has to do with the same thing, but you said you just had to wait until January 9th before, right? Just hang in there. X_x
If it makes you feel better, you're not alone. I've literally been living in my room for the past few weeks because I just refuse to go downstairs anymore, I associate seeing my family with such horrible feelings. They talk to me with his icy coldness, which I respond to with nothingness. After seeing anyone, even my brother, it takes a good hour or so of being alone in my room for the iciness to wear off (which it has, at this point). I jump at every sound, I'm scared of my dad, my relationship with food is going haywire again, and I'm STILL hearing things, and I realized just last night that I've been displaying this other weird symptom--For the entire break, every time I lay down to go to sleep I feel like I'm dying. Like, I'll just take a breath, check how my stomach feels, and be like, "Yup, I'm dying. No biggie," as a serious thought, and I just realized the other day that it's a symptom of some weird thing or other. Ugh... I need more coffee...
e_e

By the way, I have some serious homework trouble. There's this Chinese History book report but I've NEVER read any books of Chinese History and I'm already late and I have to hand it in on Monday. I can't go to the library because I wouldn't be able to finish that book and anyway I'm scared of telling my mum because she'd throw a fit and because of my pugnacious nature, we'd end up having a fight.

I vaguely know about a period of history and I thought I could go online and search for it but it occurred to me--what if it never happened in this book? When I searched for the book's name, it didn't tell me what events were in there either.

This book report is 10% of the Chinese History grade and now I've already lost two marks and if I don't hand it in, 10% of my Chinese History grade would be gone and I need it, because I'm not exactly good in Chinese History.

HELP.

....I love how you wrapped up all that by saying you need more coffee. X'D

Thanks, Cass...that makes me feel a bit better about what happened. You don't ever have to worry about what you say and how it'll effect me, okay? <:^J I really do value your opinion, and your advice has really helped me in the past.

*cyber hugs back* You do know that you're one of my best friends on here, right?

January 9th is when this situation will all go downhill and can start to get wrapped up. However, I just learned that it won't REALLY be over until April (1 year anniversary of the madness....yayyyyy....*le sarcasm* *dies at the thought*). Plus I seem to be hungering for revenge more and more, which scares me, since I've never been a vengeful person or ever believed that revenge is right. x_x I dunno. I'm just struggling with trying to figure out what to do next. How to move forward again. How to recover. How to move on. Because, honestly, I feel like I just want to dig a hole, bury myself, and just not talk to anyone ever again. That or just curl up in bed and go to sleep and just stay like that for eternity, only getting up to eat and/or listen to music.

Meh. I guess I'm just sick of this situation. I know that if I get my feelings out, I can move on, but I don't know how to do that. *headdesks*

But enough about me. I'll get through this, eventually. I just need to heal for a while. <:^J Then I'll be back to normal--posting every week, writing a lot, rambling on A/N, just being myself again.

I know exactly what you mean. My family's at the center of this madness, and I can't seem to talk to any of them anymore. You're still hearing things? O_o Like what? D: I'm sorry things between you and your dad aren't good...mind if I ask why you're afraid? (You don't have to answer that, especially not on here; you can always drop me a note. Just curious.) And if it makes you feel any better, I went through a whole six months feeling like that. O___o I'd lay down, trying to get to sleep, and then feel this creepy sensation in my gut and just suddenly get the notion that I'm dying. I'd always sit up, freak out a little, then try to actually go to sleep. But it always took several times for me to actually fall asleep without suddenly thinking, "Wait a second...yup, I'm dying, maybe I should get up!"

Help...dying here...what can I do...?

Go to the library anyways, and power skim... I do that every now and then...

...Google? x_x I don't know.

The library is a half hour bus ride from here...so I can't do it without my parents noticing. And I'm clueless about the Chinese book part of the library and need my parents' assistance there, but problem is, I can't let them know.
I tried to call my friend who's really good at Chinese history and ask her whether so and so events happened in that book because she probably has read it but I couldn't reach her D:

Should I just come clean?

As for your questions about me: I'm not afraid of my dad for any bad reasons like that. O_o it's just that when he's not super happy (he usually is), he's super sketchy and there's no way of telling what will set him off. This morning my dog ran up to me and sprayed diarrhea everywhere and he got his metaphorical panties in a big twist just because I reminded him that it was still there and should probably be cleaned up, and that i wasnt doing it because I had t even had breakfast yet. O_o so I just didn't talk to him. (Sorry for errors, I'm on my phone) And then the other night I heard him screaming at the top if his lungs to my brother, but to be honest that ties into my hearing-things thing because I wasn't sure if I actually heard him. And I just hear stuff like senseless screaming and rushed mumbling, like through a wall, and although it startles me I just ignore it most of the time. Last night I was sitting in bed and heard this weird moan from the staircase, like a moan that someone would make if they had been shot and were dragging themselves back home through an alley, but no one was there to make the sound (trust me--I know that sounded a little weird but no one was there.) just something I've been wondering about and aware of, nothing that concerns me a lot. Although sometimes I wonder if it classifies me as insane. O_o I don't think it should.
As for you, I think it would help if you came to terms with the vengeful side of yourself you speak of. Like, I mean if you accept it and you live kind of in agreement, you may not have problems with it anymore (I dunno, it's what I did and it really helped. It's like quicksand--the more you fight it, the more it pulls you under. It's normal to be angry sometimes, just like it is to be happy. :P)
As for healing and recovering while this is still going on, I'd say it might help to no beat yourself up and just huddle under your own wing for a little while. With this thing with my parents, not knowing when it's going to happen again, I find that I've been doing it a lot--I take a rest from being my own worst enemy and just do everything I can to make myself feel better: imagine myself being hired into Dreamworks, sit with my characters (I barely do this anymore XD), just lay around and listen to music, heck, a couple hours ago I ate comfort food for the first time in years and it actually made me feel better. (Mmm... Bread with peanut butter and dark chocolate with maple butter on it 8^D) I don't know if you've been doing this, but I know that you and me both tend to beat ourselves up. :/ that's all I can really say, since I'm not sure what's going on (*hugs*)