that was the worst day of my life i was bullshitting these girls that wanted to be friends with me but i didnt like them too much so i rode it out and told them bullshit lies something abt boyfriends and anyway, now im terrified they are gonna spread rumours abt me. im so scared. i also hate the school, so. anyway im gonna. y know. die now. so. lmao

What's the fucking point of trying when I'm just gonna fail anyway.

thank you so much.
c:

How are you feeling now? Any better?

yeah, the day off school made things a lot better c:

hbu (if you don't mind me asking? :) )

thats good!!

im ok, my insides have probably disintergrated since monday, but im doing alright. school is picking up in the social department.

hey man im srry!! i really wanna help u but tbh.. im useless at helping so. u should def go eat ice cream or make urself some hot cocoa, put on your fave show and just sit there and even if ur not watching it just let it roll over you and try at least not to think about too much ok!! i really want and need you to stay safe for me and everyone else that cares about you i.e everyone irl and here. you are such an awesome and pretty person who honestly doesnt deserve any of this shit but! you can make it through i promise!! ilysm and i dont know what id do without you Tia, plz stay safe :(

HONESTly everything makes so much sense that my parents have enlightened me that i have?? learning disorders?? WOW THanks.. like i knew but now i. Know

(*bear hugs*) Hey, what's wrong? D: Did something happen? Talk to me, buddy. <3 PLEASE don't hurt yourself! We ALL love you on here and we value you as a person. You are NOT UGLY, you hear me? (*builds you a pillow fort*) if you think you're ugly, then, you need a new mirror, since your must be broken or something, because you're beautiful, inside and out. Your smile is so pretty, and I've always secretly loved your hair, and your face, and, just, abakbdkajba you're not ugly in any way, darling, please don't say that.

ohk well that's good then c:

hey i don't know you v well but you should know that everyone here and everyone irl would care so much. pretty much what milo and theashwolf said okay you've come so far and you are a strong person who will make it through this and life will get better. this is so hypocritical but please keep living for something, art, music, writing, and in time you will live for yourself bc you deserve to be happy c: *awkwardly trails off haha*

Nonononononononono. Stop. Just stop. That's the wrong way to sort things out :( I'm really sorry that things are bad for you right now, and i know you probably get tired of hearing this, but things will get better. I can promise you that. It may seem impossible to see things getting better and brighter right now but time can do amazing things. There are other ways to deal with sorrow and anger, but thinkig about harming yourself won't solve any problems. What was that quote....suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem? It went something like that I think. I don't know. But whatever's happening right now will come to an end eventually, so please try to keep your head up! So many people on here care for you and will try to help you through what you're going through. So please stay strong :(

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I LOST THiS WRITING CONTEST
LITERALLY HALF OF THE PEOPLE WHO ENTERED GOT SOME RECOGNITION
WAS I REALLY THAT BAD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i'm so mad
i had this plan worked out for this morning where i was going to get up like two hours early and get tons of stuff done for the week so that i wouldn't have to stress about it
but i set my alarm wrong - for 4 pm instead of am
and it's awful because this isn't the first time something has gone wrong like this and i keep trying to do well but something goes wrong and i just
it's affecting me more than it should

omg. Omg. omg. omg.
i hhate when people r like "im soo fat lol I have rolls on my tummy I'm so obese!!!" like?? no……omg…omg……u r literally just… omg…..
like u may have some tummy tub….or some extra junk on ya thighs……but you're not fat. you HAVE fat. You're NOT fat. IM not fat anymore—I still have fat I'm tryna lose, yea, but I'm not fat, ok. I used to be fat. and i still feel like i am most of the time because im still not average-sized. so when u say that ur fat and u weight about 30 pounds less than me, do you……do u even realize what that's like? have u ever had someone scrunch their nose in disgust when someone else asked if they would date you? have u ever have someone say to the brattiest girl in class "I would even date [your name] over you!", like you're the worst of the worst to be compared to? has anyone ever called you A pig, or a cow, or a hippo, or a fat lady, because those are all equivalent when it comes to things you would kill not to be? have you ever jammed your fingers down your throat until you sobbed and wretched, starved yourself until you couldn't sleep, worked yourself until you curled up and wailed, or clawed at yourself until your skin bled because you weren't good enough in your own skin?
because you were fat?

i can feel myself slowly slippingback into depression.fucckkcck

i can help u with inattentive/mixed adhd !!!

Also, a lot has happened in the last week

hi hello i am very cold and broken because even though i convince myself i am normal i will never experience the awesomeness of a crush or whatever and that apparently makes me less of a person

hey you are absolutely not less of a person or cold or broken. there is nothing wrong with you and anyone that tries to convince you otherwise is just awful ok *hugs*

ur not broken, your just programmed differently. it's like when your given two ways to install something; one for mac and one for pc. you can't run the pc version if you're on a mac, and vice versa. but does that mean the program is broken? no, it just means that that program only applies to a different kind of computer.

just because you don't feel romance doesn't mean your broken. It just means that you feel platonic love in place of it, and trust me, that love can be just as strong as people make out romantic love to be. I guess it just so happens that a lot of the people around you ignore platonic love because they do feel romantic love, so their perception of platonic love isn't as strong. but you still need love and you will get love, it will just come from a close friend relationship and your family's love as opposed to the love of a spouse who pleases you romantically.

hang in there, boo! good people will come your way! but you're not broken. no one is. and the sooner everyone realizes that "normal" means "majority" and not "default", then they will stop enforcing ideas like this onto people like you and me (i'm a demi-romantic, so i don't really experience the whole crush thing either. i thought i did, but actually that's just a really strong platonic love and it takes a while for me to view someone romantically)

oh man THAT i cant help with living with it for going on seven years :') unmedicated and whatevers so im still. totally useless but! i find that doing smth with my hands is very good like scribbling or drawing or whatever while trying to listen helps even though it seems like thats worse, for me it helps me pay attention!

i also find planners are really helpful and tht sounds stupid but., theyre so good and if theyre like cute w washi and stickers n stuff theyre easy to get into the habit of and you can set deadlines for assignments before the assignment n stuff! sometimes this backfires on me when i cant read my writing but, yeah, if u have neat handwiring and arent bad at spelling/mixing up letters its fine :')

homestly though good luck with your parents and stuff! my parents still think adhd is made up n stuff but. good luck my friend!!
ahhhh absolutely this! we love you Meera in a super cute platonic way! haha

i have problems focusing too but i don't know if they're srs relative to other people but anyway they're bad enough to have an impact on my grades
some advice i can give you is you can try and study elsewhere? i personally can't study at home (just end up blogging until 10 pm at least) so i go out to a starbucks/the library/a studying room...it's not the same for different ppl but you might consider relocating where you study/do your stuff (if you haven't already)
@ milo: yes you CAN CONVINCE THEM!!

2015 has fuCKED me up so much already:
1. shitty birthday
2. hospitalization
3. panic attack in biology
4. panic attack in english
5. terrible first kiss
6. the looming feeling of wanting to die

also im absolutely SURE that everyone is annoyed with me and that my existence is a burden on others

noo i'm so sorry :c i really hope things get better soon

i hope things get better soon! your existence isn't a burden on others.

unhappy things i guess
 

oblivious moms can be so annoying sometimes, but maybe she's not aware about the severity of depression and doesn't really understand the whole ordeal of wanting to die. so maybe you sit down and talk to her about how you're feeling (idk your mom so it depends how understanding she is as a person - she definitely cares about you though) or if you're too uncomfortable/awkward to do that, write her a letter? i got a shrink via my panic attacks and the school kept calling my mom but i guess if i told her about it she would've got me one anyway. maybe it's just a matter of getting her to understand a little bit better because maybe she thought that the whole wanting to die thing when you were nine was just stubbornness when it actually wasn't

So I told my mom that I believe that I have anxiety... I was looking up effects of it, and I had like 9 out of 12. I am just in a constant state of worry, faint or vomit when things get to be too much, shake uncontrollably when I'm nervous or just thinking about stuff in general, nervous stomach, have to physically calm myself when I think about deep water (I kind of have a fear of drowning), make up scenarios in my head, etc. I think she wants to talk to my dad and see if he wants to take me to a doctor. I don't really know how to feel.

I don't know sometimes I feel like I've found myself and then things just change and I don't know how but I think I'm finding myself again? And this time feels more right than the others and I think I finally know what I want to do and what my priorities are and it's great.
Also for awhile I hadn't been reading very much and I'm falling in love with reading all over again and it's actually a really magical experience and yeah I don't know I just reaaally missed reading.

o shit the curse of the genius/prodigious kouhai is upon me o shit o shit & if I lose there's no one there

managed to convince my parents i was sick so i could stay off school but for real im very sad and i have to go to the doctor and i might be getting a blood count to test for anemia? because im always fucking tired? but thats probably my mental health anyway my mum is anemic so maybe

OK theres nithing wrong with my blood but my scoliosis has gotten worse by four degreess gerat

also: me: exists only as a ball of fear and death in its human form

well i'm depressed and constantly emotionally and physically exhausted but i had a period of time in which my average falling asleep time was like 3am (it's kind of better now) and apparently you can 'damage your sleep' by not sleeping enough so maybe it's that or maybe it comes with being sad?? idk but if you think you're anaemic you could google symptoms and see if they match up with what you have

i think i have a crush on a girl and it honestly scares me because i thought i was straight and she seems like the only girl i would have a crush on (i've known her for 8ish years) and i don't even know what i am and it's annoying

MMMmmm i have a lot of. mixed episodes. so its probs that. my irons a bit low but not anemia level so !
being straights no f u n so
but seriously girls are so Great and i know sexuality is hard and confusing and ??? but i promise u will come out the other end

Happiness is an emotion, right? So I just wanted to say I'm happier. Recently I've been working on bettering myself mentally and physically. Before I was constantly getting myself down about how bad my procrastination was and about my appearance. I'm finally doing stuff about it and I can feel myself getting happier. I'm doing homework on time and starting to draw more, which is something I want to work with in the future as a career, so that's very beneficial to me. I'm also exercising and eating healthier, which is doing well for my health and gosh, I didn't know how much a diet affected acne. But that's slowly clearing. I'm not happy with the results yet and I'd like to lose more weight, but hopefully it'll all work out c: i don't know, I just wanted to share this because some of you are really down and need to know that you can get better. The way to get better is not to sit in bed and continuously plague yourself with the problems you have, but to get up and do stuff that brings you happiness, and to do it healthily. So yeah \./

hey thats awesome you deserve that so much !! thats awesome you are getting better!!
while that does help it doesnt work for everyone because chemicals so i

ive never been able to concentrate or stay still in school and lately its affecting my grades so much. like i cant i literally cannot focus at all. ill read a few sentence but ill lose my focus so i have to go back so many times and by the time i finally understand everyones already doing something else. also i cant stop moving like i need to be moving idk what to do i cant stay still or concentrate or focus on one train of thought hdgsgg

((((tell me if u dont want me to quote this!!))))

this is literally my adhd feels oh man!! do you think mayb u have a form of it?? like i dont wanna b That Guy but this is literally how i feel so theres a chance u might?? anyway im srry it gets so much in the way at school, do you have anyway of talking to your teachers about acomodations (sp??) e.g more time with reading tasks and tests, and breaks where you can get up? like at my school a lot of the boys have adhd and as such its mandatory that we have three breaks where we can all get up and dance or w/e - im assuming you dont do that? or even getting up to go to the bubbler, you know? you might also wanna talk to themabout reading texts aloud, if that helps, cause it does for me most of the time especially when i get myself jumbled up !! im sorry im so little help eli.

honestly i had a horrible dream last night bc im always jiggling me leg or tapping my hands on the desk and i had this dream where the teacher calledon me and some kid i didnt know in my class started saying stuff about my tapping the desk and making fun of me and everyone was laughing and i?? oh my god