I have these two friends, and we've been tight for a couple years, but they don't seem to get one thing:

I'm too polite of a person to get mad at people. I'm used to people yelling at me and I always feel like if I get mad it'll somehow get turned around to be my fault. So I can be angry, but (especially in person, especially with close friends) I always forgive people or don't really bring it up at all. This becomes a problem because two friends in particular (not going to name names here) get mad at me quite often for actually quite stupid reasons. The obvious answer would be to ditch them, right? But it's not that simple. Not only would ditching them make it awkward between me and most of my other friends who know these two, but also that i can't afford to lose them. I've been developing a lot of self hate lately and while sometimes they're at the cause of it I'm not mentally stable enough to let go of anyone right now. I'm constantly yelled at by people I love and the only people ever on my side I never feel like I can tell them anything because they're not as close. And I can't confront my friends because once again, I don't want the blame to be eventually pinned on myself.

I don't really need advice, but if you have any, I'm all ears. Just here to vent.

Edit: this is the first time it's actually been written out into records. And it feels good, not just letting self-hate boil up inside of myself. It feels good knowing that although every instinct is telling me not to blame them for this, and that it's somehow my fault, it's the truth and I need to accept it. These two are some of my closest friends but they don't understand what they do.

friendships are tough man, I hear you on this. sending love <3

so there were a few kids who transferred out of my school to bard college at simons rock in an attempt to create some distance between them and the trauma caused by owen's suicide, and then yesterday, the one-year-anniversary of his suicide, someone got stabbed on their campus. so I think September 27th just will not let any of us get off easy. hope everyone's ok over there.

turns out the victim is ok but unfortunately it was a racially-motivated hate crime so uh. sep. 27th is cursed

i'll just have to pray extra hard for college students on all September 27ths to come. and be ready for anything.

i'm so sorry though, swallow. believe me.

thanks snow :)

me: ha ha ha I am fine yes I still miss owen but im definitely not grieving or (dare I say it) traumatized anymore bc the definition of trauma is only reserved for Other People and I am A-Okay

also me: *sees an ambulance on campus and immediately starts shaking and panicking*
dw everyone is ok!!! a kid just hurt his ankle during soccer practice and for some reason two ambulances were called and a bunch of faculty went running up and I saw it out my window and it reminded me so intensely of last year I started losing it for a moment but we are all good

it's ok to still feel traumatised, I can't even begin to imagine what you go through everyday. The weight of my words may not be enough to ease the pain in your heart for your friend, but I hope it eases soon. I really do.

thanks man. it has gotten a lot easier which is also something ive struggled w/ in a fucked up way (does the fact that things are getting easier mean im moving on? does it mean im forgetting or being a bad friend?) but really its nice to be able to think of him in a way that isn't heart-crushing, you know? like I can laugh at stories and memories and think back fondly on things and its all bittersweet but its not miserable which is nice. I feel like grief kind of robbed me of my true memories of his life and its nice to get those back slowly.