this is weird. i just feel really detached and out of place but like not in a bad way i just feel like i'm not in this world right now and idek i'm just getting the feeling that something wrong is happening/will happen/has happened. idek it's weird but i just get the sense that something bad is about to happen.

what the hell

i really shouldn't read triggering things

I was at a football game and most of my friends are girls just because I just like the personality that girls have more than boys. Well … most boys. Except Marco XD
Anyways so there's been a few times when someone in my school has called me gay and I'm a Christian, and i'm not gay, so this made me kind of mad and kind of sad. I prayed about it every time it happened, talked to my parents. And then this last Friday I was walking around with three of my friends … we'll call them susie, lucy, and lanie. Well we went to sit beside these other people. One of my guy-friends Pittman was there so I sat there too. He was with his girlfriend Morgan. (#tb to last May me and "lanie" dated for about two weeks but we decided to just be friends). So I'm sort of flexible and Pittman wanted me to show his friend K.C. the awkward flexible way I can sit (no I can't do a split). Then K.C. said, "Come on Gay Garrett," and it didn't make me sad this time. It made me mad. And sadly when I get mad I cry. So I was trying to hold back my tears, and then a row of boys behind pittman and K.C. whispered to Morgan something, and looked at me. I got a few snippets of what they were saying, and I knew that they were making jokes about me/calling me gay. So Morgan told Tori (lanie's bfffl) and they all just laughed, except for lanie, lucy, and susie. They were kind of out of it in their own little convo. I guess Tori saw that I was about to cry, and she told me not to worry about it. I wan't worrying. I got up out of my seat and had the urge to punch K.C. in the face. INstead of violence, I just got his attention and told him straight up that I wasn't gay. I'm over i now, I just felt like getting that story off my chest.

that could actually be a really cool opening paragraph to a book 0_0.

same
but it will get better
what does being a christian have to do with being gay

people have been saying that to me for like idk almost two years? and nothing's changed. and i feel like if i try to change things i'm just gonna make shit worse.

ok so maybe it's not getting better as people said it will or something but i can promise you, that in 10 years when you are an adult free from school bullies and asshats, you will be better. whether that's through getting help which i do recommend though i haven't got first-hand experience with that or something else i know that this won't matter in 10 years.

i really want you to get better, man.

it's not about school bullies, well sort of it is, but not as much as it used to be. i just really hate myself and other stuff...
thanks

I don't know who I am anymore I'm just an empty shell of a person and I doubt that I ever was something more than a husk, a shadow, a nothingness that just takes up space and inside of me I feel something, like maybe I have some substance but there's this shell that prevents me from breaking but it prevents me from breathing and I can't breathe anymore, I can't feel anymore and I don't even know who I want to be anymore.

And I think I love you, man, but I hate myself for it and I can't stop thinking about you and I want to show you who I am but who am I I'm just nothing I'm boring and superficial and I can't take these people gosh I hate people and I'm a terrible person for saying it but I can't stand people and i can't stand my friends I just want everyone to leave me alone I just want to be able to be poetic, or something I don't know why do I write in run-on sentences ugh I don't know and it's not just that I hate people I hate myself I hate myself so much and I can't take it I can't take it nothing helps who the heck am I.

I wanted to be radiant I wanted to be laughter and sunshine and rainfall and all that crap but I'm not I'm just ordinary and boring and nothing worth looking at.

This is really petty and I'm sorry I just needed to vent a bit,