here goes. i can't say i know what you feel like because i never have been very depressed before, but ill try to help as best as i can.

none of this is your fault, and you're just gonna have to accept that these people are, from what you said, grade-a assholes. and if they say that not taking to you is for the better (tbh why would it be, you're amazing to talk to) then just let them live their lives. they're not the only people in the world. you have me, and everyone else who replied, and im certain that there's at least one person who thinks about you each night before they sleep and wants you to notice them more than anything. don't let a few idiots ruin your life, alright? there is so much to learn about and the world is such a beautiful place. you just have to open your eyes and see past the sadness.

(more coming later)

i hate being low key sad bc like on one hand i'm mildly nervous and i don't even know why and i kind of want to die but on the other hand i've only been awake ten or eleven hours and i'm exhausted and maybe i should just sleep but then again i want to force myself to stay up and like pass out at five am also bc it's so, like, not very intense rn it kind of feels like i'm making up feeling upset at all but whatever might as well just go on tumblr or marathon parks and rec or something lol

holy shit hi every1 :o

okok! @rebecca: yeah i do have a diagnosis but its so? weird atm bc im not on meds or even talking to osmeone because of my parents and im like campaigning against them and youd think like parents wouldnt be able to keep a child who clearly meeds support away from vital resources but apparently they can in australia... mmmm thank you man im always here for you too!!

@dw: !! thank you so much man!! i was just thinking abt garnet and the whole gem fusion thing tbh

@alaska: i love that quote omg,, im just so ? abt it all? and im so sorry that happemed to you and ur besfriend that must have been crushing im sorry !!

@meera: thank thank u! im so sorry i didnt reply to ur posts i wasnt feeling so great as you cna see :S but thank u so much frond

and @venika: i know that feel? but trust me if you are feeling upset actively and lowkey im sure you arent making it up, kts hard to make that up, your feelings are valid. please try and get normal sleep if possible!!

...that's bizarre.
Like, you have a child with a diagnosis, with an ACTUAL CONDITION, you make sure the kid has the support they need. That's really not hard.

yeah I'm bipolar hi also I've been feeling weirdly stable for a while..??? NEW MEDICATION MUST BE WORKING 8D

i'm actually completely fine, both in terms of grades and mental health, by now. you people have actually helped so much you don't even know, and my best friends and i had a picnic for lunch and running around in the park was really fun and distracting, and i have auditions to obsess about for now, and in general i just make really fast recoveries so if i vent here feel free to ignore it bc i'll be better in less than 24hrs. in hindsight that was stupid of me XD

positive vent wow
 

so as you might know, i have signed my sorry self up for wind ensemble auditions. and normally i'd be freaking out completely and being all desperate to get in, the way i was with semester chair auditions before. but now, i'm not really like that. i'm finally facing reality, which is that there are no current flutes in the entire school who will be moving/quitting/graduating next year, and the current wind ensemble flute section is about seven juniors and two (prodigy) sophomores, so i'm probably not getting in at all. i'm a second flute in concert band, so i wasn't good enough to make first, and idk if i can compete with people who have been in wind ensemble for at least a year already.

and i'm just gonna accept that and prepare myself to possibly learn a low brass instrument (most likely horn or tuba) for symphonic band and then get in wind ensemble in junior/senior year when i'll be one of the only low brass players in the school. i've never been so laid-back about an audition before but it's a lot better than getting stressed over something that's basically never going to happen if you look at it objectively.

that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try, heck, i'll try like crazy. the audition is next thursday and i will play my scales and excerpt until my fingers fall off. and if i get in i'll run around screaming and hugging my section (which i rarely do even though i love them) and doing cartwheels and (hopefully not) breaking every piece of furniture in this house. but if i don't get in, it will not affect me at all and i might even sign my sorry self up for horn or tuba lessons instead. it shouldn't be too hard because i can transpose and everything. i might even make all-state on a low brass instrument next year if i practice hard enough because there are a gazillion flutes and basically no horns (concert band, which i'm in now, doesn't have any horn players and i was gonna learn but it was way too late, and plus i already have a nice solid spot in the second flutes for now).

but i'm definitely marching flute for the next four years regardless of what director says, and if i want to do drum corps and audition for santa clara vanguard (which i most likely won't do ahaha) i'll probably get out my snare or tenors and practice that (shouldn't be too hard seeing as i was second-chair percussionist once) or march whatever low brass instrument i learn. flutes aren't included in dci after all, so maybe me learning more instruments will be for the better. or i could use my extensive piano knowledge and play vibraphone or something in pit, but i'm a pretty good marcher, so i'd rather not do that... okay why am i planning out my whole music career now?

basically i wanted to say that one audition isn't gonna be the end of my world. and one bad experience won't be the end of your world. you can still make up a backup plan and who knows, it might work out better than what you originally had in mind for yourself. just because someone said something bad about you, it doesn't make you a bad person. and if one audition judge doesn't like my playing, it won't make me any less of a musician. so y'all keep your heads up and if something isn't working out for you, figuratively learn another instrument.


also my family is always shouting but it's about feelings being hurt and shit and i don't have time for feelings XD *aggressively listens to stravinsky at max volume, while repeatedly playing high c and then singing high c when my fingers hurt, to drown out the sounds of pointless idiotic emotions*

i?? i dont want to go to university and i neverwant to doanother day of school yet sadly to do what i want i must defy both of those things

unfortunately that's the way it works. i have vague plans of what i want to do but one isn't a definite income and the other needs a doctorate oops

irrelevent vent sry. tw slightly??
 

so this is probably rly stupid but it's rly pissing me off. so after my shrink told my mum everything about my history on self harm, suicidal thoughts and bad depression she's always bringing it up like?? can u not?? and she always starts comparing it to her childhood saying how psychological help was unheard of and how she's familiar with suicidal thoughts and how she struggled and ik she's probably trying to make me feel better but she keeps talking about it like she'll start telling me how she went through shit when it's totally different!! ok so maybe she felt pretty low in high school but there is NO WAY she had hallucinations and wanted to kill herself every day and she had at least one best friend like i don't?? and one of the first things she said to me when she came back from my shrink's office was all these questions about self harm and 'did it hurt' or 'why did you do it' and she was smiling and almost finding it funny and i literally wanted to scream at her stfu bc i clearly didn't want to talk about it and it's been a week now, and she's always bringing shit up like how much she struggled and how she understands and it's almost like i constantly have to listen to her sob story!! THIS IS WHY i didn't fucking tell her!! bc i had a feeling she would talk about it and i don't want to talk about dying and self harm every day ok?? i am already tortured inside and i don't need my own mother discussing this constantly like gIVE ME A BREAK bye