The Writer's Block

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-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

meerkat 04-23-2015 09:36 PM

i hate anxiety i hate anxiety i hate anxiety why can't i just be a normal person and not freak out at the drop of a hat and then get over it two seconds later and freak out again and nearly cry and then go sleep but stare at the ceiling and then almost cry some more and overanalyze everything and why the hell do i freaking do this and then recover so quickly that either no one believes i'm okay or no one believes i was just freaking out and at least i have my life basically planned out for now so that's good but still screw anxiety and neurons and shit

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lena (Post 569765)
i had a sort of crazy breakdown last night and really scared myself and today was kind of awful and draining and i've been constantly on the edge of tears all week tbh and i just want to go home and sleep but i can't

alright, so i don't know your exact situation, and i don't think i've slept in weeks and my brain is really screwed up, so i'm sorry if i come across as insensitive or accidentally hurt you or something. and i'm also sorry bc this might sound really cliche but i'm just speaking from experience. this will pass, although it doesn't seem like it now, and if anyone's hurting you, you're gonna eventually find the courage to stand up to them and tell them that what they're doing is wrong. it won't come instantly, sure, but it will pass. the human brain is a really screwed up little organ and it likes to mess with people's lives by causing stupid mood swings and emotions and things like that, but it's going to get better in the end. just remember that and carry on. c:

CosmoCat 04-24-2015 11:32 PM

a rant about personal conflicted feelings
 
so i feel kind of bad for suddenly being obsessed with Vietnamese culture, but I think it's mostly a result of me being a weeb and anime nerd, but then feeling bad because that's not really part of my culture. but Vietnam is part of my heritage and culture and I really feel like i should try to embrace that a little more. My mom probably doesn't mind (she's the one who raised us on Vietnamese food and baby pictures in different kinds of Asian clothing). And my dad surely doesn't mind (he's the one who was born in vietnam and is still trying to learn vietnamese and only ever drinks the vietnamese coffee his mom buys for him and finds instant pho for my sister to take home and knows all the places to get vietnamese food and complains when said places are actually cambodian).

still, it feels kind of weird, but it's who I am. and I want to embrace that a little more. so, there's nothing wrong with that, right? ugh, being multiracial is such a struggle sometimes. at least I can enjoy this aspect of my history, though. THUS BEING SAID I'M WEARING THAT HAT FOR MY WEDDING SOMEDAY AND ALSO MOM AGREED TO MAKE EGGROLLS FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HAVE AN AO DAI SOMETIME SOON because at first she said we would get one at 12 and then something else at 21, but we never did that. so maybe i can get something now and something else later? like 2 ao dai? pls?

so those are my conflicted feelings about who I am and what I know about my family. and also going back to where i used to live made me sad because i won't be able to live the military life forever. it's so great when you're little, but when you grow up and you feel like you have nowhere to "come from" it's so weird. and i really really missed being on base because there was so much patriotic stuff, but also diversity and people from all over the world and AIRPLANES HECK YEAH I MISSED U GUYS. so that also made me feel conflicted about how i feel about myself. but at least the whole Vietnamese thing is actually helping my self-esteem because I feel accomplished and v proud of myself.

i'll shut up now ^_^'

meerkat 04-24-2015 11:47 PM

ugh i remembered a few things and i had to get this out so thanks for reminding me???
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CosmoCat (Post 569841)
so i feel kind of bad for suddenly being obsessed with Vietnamese culture, but I think it's mostly a result of me being a weeb and anime nerd, but then feeling bad because that's not really part of my culture. but Vietnam is part of my heritage and culture and I really feel like i should try to embrace that a little more. My mom probably doesn't mind (she's the one who raised us on Vietnamese food and baby pictures in different kinds of Asian clothing). And my dad surely doesn't mind (he's the one who was born in vietnam and is still trying to learn vietnamese and only ever drinks the vietnamese coffee his mom buys for him and finds instant pho for my sister to take home and knows all the places to get vietnamese food and complains when said places are actually cambodian).

still, it feels kind of weird, but it's who I am. and I want to embrace that a little more. so, there's nothing wrong with that, right? ugh, being multiracial is such a struggle sometimes. at least I can enjoy this aspect of my history, though. THUS BEING SAID I'M WEARING THAT HAT FOR MY WEDDING SOMEDAY AND ALSO MOM AGREED TO MAKE EGGROLLS FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HAVE AN AO DAI SOMETIME SOON because at first she said we would get one at 12 and then something else at 21, but we never did that. so maybe i can get something now and something else later? like 2 ao dai? pls?

so those are my conflicted feelings about who I am and what I know about my family. and also going back to where i used to live made me sad because i won't be able to live the military life forever. it's so great when you're little, but when you grow up and you feel like you have nowhere to "come from" it's so weird. and i really really missed being on base because there was so much patriotic stuff, but also diversity and people from all over the world and AIRPLANES HECK YEAH I MISSED U GUYS. so that also made me feel conflicted about how i feel about myself. but at least the whole Vietnamese thing is actually helping my self-esteem because I feel accomplished and v proud of myself.

i'll shut up now ^_^'

I'M SORRY BUT I JUST GOT REMINDED OF SOME STUFF

okay so i am completely missing the point but this reminded me of how freaking detached i am from my background. like my sis dances and sings and everything, and i used to but i got tired of failing at it, and my grandmother coincidentally lectured me on doing too much "western music" and "wasting my talents on pointless things" and "not embracing my heritage" and stuff like that. what's so bad about what i do? i'm a pretty good classical pianist and i was always crappy at carnatic music bc i just didn't have the voice for it. so what?

and i know she does some freaky abusive shit sometimes but i'm actually feeling really bad about this bc this kid went up to me like "you're the whitest tamil girl i know" or something similar and i didn't know whether i should take that as a compliment or not. like, my skin is visibly really dark and both of my parents are from that part of the world, so how am i white? and my grandmother is still ranting on about how americanized i've become when i was freaking born here and everything >.< and she tried to force me to take indian food to school and wear those weird fancy earrings and a bindi all the time. LIKE, NO. I WILL GET TEASED AND ALIENATED AND STUFF AND IT WILL BE FIFTH GRADE OVER AGAIN. EXCEPT NOW I HAVE A FREAKING SOCIAL LIFE AND A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD BECAUSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE ME NOW AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING THE WEIRDO THAT BASICALLY EVERYONE FORGOT.

but i still genuinely feel bad and the whole teaching-job thing is helping, but in case i haven't mentioned this i'm a bit dyslexic in tamil, like i can speak fluently and i've been learning to read since i was very little but idk i just never got the hang of it because the pronunciation and syntax and stuff were weird to me even though i learned it before english. and my parents said i don't try but i actually try too hard and somehow i got that job awhile back and i could hardly read and all the kids kept making fun of me and stuff because their freaking teacher had a reading problem.

and don't even get me started on the religion thing, like, i would be hindu but my grandmother, with all her abusive shit in the name of religion, kinda ruined it for me and idek what i believe in. now i'm just like "screw existential questions, let's all go pet cats and listen to bach" and stuff like that. so yeah, i am basically unable to believe in any religion because reasons. i don't want to talk about it ever. but at the same time i try my best to be proud of every part of my culture and UGH FRICK THIS IS SO ANNOYING I JUST WISH I COULD BE MORE LIKE MY SISTER INSTEAD OF SOME AMERICANIZED WEIRDO OR SOMETHING.

but at least i'm a lot better at tamil than she is (except for reading problems ew gross), and i know more history and stuff like that. and tbh history is actually pretty amazing, like some of those stories have been passed down orally through generations and i know them and it just blows my mind to think of how much they've changed over hundreds of thousands of years and then they somehow found their way to me! linguistics is really cool too and i spend too much time researching that language's origins and things like that. and everytime i go visit india it's actually kinda cool to look at the street my dad grew up on and the farm my mom's family owned, provided no abusive shit happens there and no one makes fun of my reading abilities. so i guess i'm alright for now provided grandmother just stops.


so yeah, learning about your background is actually pretty cool and it shouldn't be something to be ashamed of, because, however small it may seem, it's still a major part of you and it's great that you can embrace that! SELF CONFIDENCE HELL YEAH <3 and happy early birthday! i shall be celebrating from very far away and i wish i could get you something too <3 and i'm a hypocrite i'm so freaking sorry but i'm really sensitive about this and i wish i could be that confident and you're the last person i wanted to be insensitive towards because... um... you know. but idek i just wanted to let you know that you're not all alone i guess? and i sortof had to get all that out somewhere??? oh gosh im so sorry

meerkat 04-26-2015 02:41 PM

this is ironic considering the post above this but i want light skin because nothing looks good on me and i feel so awkward and i just want to look somewhat normal and on top of that my sister is ditching my recital and my grandmother tried to force feed me when i'm wearing a freaking dress that i can't get dirty and i know i'm screwed when the last thing i googled was "definition of abuse" and so many things are going wrong today of all days

i'm about to cry over the freaking color of my skin and i have a freaking recital in three hours and my sister isn't coming

Rockshadow 04-26-2015 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meerkat (Post 569947)
this is ironic considering the post above this but i want light skin because nothing looks good on me and i feel so awkward and i just want to look somewhat normal and on top of that my sister is ditching my recital and my grandmother tried to force feed me when i'm wearing a freaking dress that i can't get dirty and i know i'm screwed when the last thing i googled was "definition of abuse" and so many things are going wrong today of all days

i'm about to cry over the freaking color of my skin and i have a freaking recital in three hours and my sister isn't coming

the color of your skin is beautiful. You are beautiful. If I could, I would drop everything and go to your recital right now. :) *huggles* I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. <3 we're all here for you.

meerkat 04-26-2015 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rockshadow (Post 569953)
the color of your skin is beautiful. You are beautiful. If I could, I would drop everything and go to your recital right now. :) *huggles* I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. <3 we're all here for you.

thanks so much <3

yeah, the recital went okay i guess (i was nervous as usual but i played pretty well) and i've been just looking up dark skin positivity stuff in general to make me feel better about myself XD my sister had dance class so she had an actual reason, and then she bought me a cupcake to make up for it! (IT WAS A REALLY GOOD RED VELVET CUPCAKE OMG I LOVE RED VELVET) so i'm fine now i guess c:

Rockshadow 04-26-2015 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meerkat (Post 569960)
thanks so much <3

yeah, the recital went okay i guess (i was nervous as usual but i played pretty well) and i've been just looking up dark skin positivity stuff in general to make me feel better about myself XD my sister had dance class so she had an actual reason, and then she bought me a cupcake to make up for it! (IT WAS A REALLY GOOD RED VELVET CUPCAKE OMG I LOVE RED VELVET) so i'm fine now i guess c:

that's awesome! :) I'm so glad everything turned out okay. <3

Puckbrina159 04-26-2015 10:44 PM

So basically I've been reading through some of my old posts on this thread and it's kind of made me realize something. I need to stop moping around because at the moment my life is pretty awesome. Approximately two years ago, I was doing the sorts of things like having breakdowns in grocery stores and crying myself to sleep. My life is just so much better now and I need to start acting like it. I've kind of discovered that drawing is something that I'm semi decent at and it relaxes me so I'm going to do that more. I just really need to put my life in perspective.

meerkat 04-27-2015 07:02 PM

i know i'm screwed when i have to ask this question
 
guys.... what exactly counts as abusive behavior? because i'm 99% sure that what my grandmother has been doing counts as abuse but she's my freaking grandmother but i never could love her even though we're related and i'm supposed to respect my elders and this has been going on for literally my entire life and i think it's abuse but i'm too scared to call it that now because then she'll blame me for overreacting and making it seem like her fault. and maybe it's all my fault and i blow everything out of proportion

EDIT: i've been reading through my old posts here and it used to be so bad that i wanted to die (it actually was a mixture of multiple things but she's gotten a lot worse since then) but i didn't want to blame any of it on her because her health was bad and she said i could literally kill her by doing that. and i realized that when she's not home, everything goes so well for me and then when she butts in i spiral down. and i want to hate her but that would make me a bad person.

i remember when i was like three or something and we still lived in penn, she'd literally squeeze me down while i cried and screamed and then she'd force feed me this "medicine" (that scientifically didn't work on me because my body composition or something i forget) using a sharp utensil that poked my throat and nearly made me bleed internally and made me cry harder. i was three. it was so bad that even now, twelve-ish years later, i'm conditioned to scream and cry and run away and basically act all childish and freaky every time i see that stuff now and idk i'm just so scared all of a sudden. because it never was my fault and i just don't even know how to act anymore and i freaking hate her even though i shouldn't. and i really hope this isn't making me a douchebag. either way i can't be left home alone with her because i'll start crying and screaming and making her stop force feeding me or blowing incense in my face when i'm allergic or things like that.

Rockshadow 04-27-2015 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meerkat (Post 569994)
guys.... what exactly counts as abusive behavior? because i'm 99% sure that what my grandmother has been doing counts as abuse but she's my freaking grandmother but i never could love her even though we're related and i'm supposed to respect my elders and this has been going on for literally my entire life and i think it's abuse but i'm too scared to call it that now because then she'll blame me for overreacting and making it seem like her fault. and maybe it's all my fault and i blow everything out of proportion

EDIT: i've been reading through my old posts here and it used to be so bad that i wanted to die (it actually was a mixture of multiple things but she's gotten a lot worse since then) but i didn't want to blame any of it on her because her health was bad and she said i could literally kill her by doing that. and i realized that when she's not home, everything goes so well for me and then when she butts in i spiral down. and i want to hate her but that would make me a bad person.

i remember when i was like three or something and we still lived in penn, she'd literally squeeze me down while i cried and screamed and then she'd force feed me this "medicine" (that scientifically didn't work on me because my body composition or something i forget) using a sharp utensil that poked my throat and nearly made me bleed internally and made me cry harder. i was three. it was so bad that even now, twelve-ish years later, i'm conditioned to scream and cry and run away and basically act all childish and freaky every time i see that stuff now and idk i'm just so scared all of a sudden. because it never was my fault and i just don't even know how to act anymore and i freaking hate her even though i shouldn't. and i really hope this isn't making me a douchebag. either way i can't be left home alone with her because i'll start crying and screaming and making her stop force feeding me or blowing incense in my face when i'm allergic or things like that.

That is abusive behavior. She is abusing you, and you have every right to dislike her. Can you tell someone about it? Your parents, guidance counselor, anyone? She needs to stop, it's not healthy. You don't have to respect anyone if they don't respect you, even if they are your elder. Older does not mean wiser, better, or entitled to be treated like royalty no matter how many times they screw up.


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