The Writer's Block

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-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

evasong 02-12-2013 12:19 AM

1 Attachment(s)
My conversation with friends online:

Me: Hey, you there?
Me: yoooooooouuuuuuuuuu thereeeeee
Them: Do you have ____'s username

TheAshWolf 02-12-2013 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 422255)
Is... is.... is that Barrowman?

XD Yes, it's Barrowman. AKA Captain Jack Harkness. Most Whovians love him. I don't. :P

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 422276)
Lily09, thanks for your post about everyone's problems mattering.
I really need to talk to someone right now but I'm scared I'm going to get bashed... this thread has been taking a lot of beatings lately.
I guess you're way I'm able to talk about this right now. :/ I know for sure that I really need to say this, doesn't really matter if no one reads it.
I'm not going to shrink it or white-text it... that just makes people want to read it more. XD

....
I don't ever know what's going on with my parents. All I ever get to know is what I hear from overheard conversations at four in the morning. I don't know where my mom is most of the time, I don't think she even knows I'm here. My happiest times are when I'm alone in the house and there's no one here to be scared of. School has become my escape, and I never want to leave. Sitting here in these walls, under this roof, it's nothing but terror--I jump at every sound, I can't get to sleep at night, I'm too scared to leave my room. I don't want to talk to anyone in my family, ever. I don't want to be related to these people. I don't care so much, it hurts. In other words... I'm so apathetic now, I'm lingering on hopelessness.

The only reason I love my family at this point is because they pay for my stuff.
Is it wrong to wish that my parents would split up so I wouldn't have to dread it anymore? I can't take this uncertainty.

This was my Christmas present--now it's my Valentine's day present too.
The problems involving my parents, alcohol, and the post-party regrets and fights (occasionally fistfights) that they have have had some effects on me. I'm more motivated at school, because I'm fighting to get a scholarship that can take me far, far away from here to a place where my family can never visit.
However, I'm depressed. I don't have the motivation to exercise. Like I said, I can't get to sleep. I'm utterly terrified, even when I'm in my room. (I'm in my room from the time I get home from school to the time I go to bed on school days.)
And also, I'm getting really warped insecurities about love between a man and a woman (or man and man/woman and woman/I'm just using this as an example to illustrate a point). My self-esteem has plunged in the space of a day or two from doing pretty well to almost nothing again, and I'm starting to notice the things that I only noticed in my friends who have divorced parents before now: this strange desperation, this urge to cling to anyone, something I'm unfamiliar with.


Since the beginning of this, there's nothing between us anymore--our relationship was already rocky enough. I can't even talk to her now. It makes part of me sad, but most of me just doesn't care.

I guess the one good thing that's come out of this is that I will never, ever, ever

touch



alcohol.

I hate you, alcohol

Why would you get bashed? :( We'd never bash you!

Regardless of the fact that stuff is getting better for me, lately, I know EXACTLY how you feel. You're almost ashamed that you share the same bloodline because of their actions. You have a heart attack when something has potential to be a precursor to something bad happening. You don't want to talk to anyone. Escape sounds so good.

It's not wrong to wish for all of that to end. If that means splitting up, then, in your mind, so be it. It would end this nonsense, so of course you want it to happen. It's only natural for your mind to think through situations, even if the instant gratification answer is a bit unfavorable. <:^/

That entire part I italicized is exactly what I went through. According to my dad, those are all signs of feeling hopeless. I know, it's scary, and the apathy covers most of the fear, but it's there. All of that is just your mind desperately trying to protect itself, and the wanting to cling to somebody is your mind trying to repair the damage done and lessen the blow. I know you'd rather be independent (so would I--you can trust yourself, but others can fail you), but...it honestly seems to me that it would be best for you to cling to someone, now, if you have the opportunity to. Over the past eight months of insanity, I would have done ANYTHING to be able to tell someone, anyone, what was happening and accept their help and sympathy, but I just couldn't tell anyone, not because I didn't want to, not because there was no one there, but because I didn't want to embarrass anyone in my family. You don't seem to have that issue (...that came out WAYYY harsher than I intended. D: Please please please don't take it like that, that's not what I meant x_x), so, if you can...try to look around and see who IS there for you, even though your mom isn't. Try to stay close to your brother. Reach out to your friends. You don't have to beg them for a listening ear or anything, or glue yourself to them right away, it can be gradual. (And, you know, I'm always here *raises hand meekly*...even though I'm like, 2,000 miles away, technically. <:^D *nervous smile* So...yeah. x_x)

I know what I'm about to say sounds cheesy, but it's true:
You don't have to feel hopeless, Cass. You're going to get through this. You're going to go back to running a lot and being your normal self. This situation will stay with you, though, but you WILL go back to being relatively normal. But, either way, we all still care about you. Especially me. And I'm sure your brother and dad do, too, even if they don't show it much. <:^J

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 422373)
Thanks for responding, LST. :/

To be honest, I don't know. I wish I did--but none of them talk to me. I think that's what made me hate them the most, the fact that they think they can/should hide it. I wish they would just be straight up about what's going on, but really it's too late. I have no respect for them.
It's not as bad with my dad as it is with my mom. My mom is just... ugh... and my dad is too good to leave her.
Instead of my dad doing that, it is/was my mom. She smashes a lot of things, she's a very angry person. I've learned that much. My dad just sits and watches her, occasionally yelling.
Everything about them makes me just want to die... I know it sounds weird but I can't really explain this feeling any other way.
I'm so, so confused with my life as it is--I don't know why I need this on top of everything.

:(

Sandy, you don't know how much I feel your pain, especially the stuff I italicized.

I know you have that strange feeling of part-apathy, part-fear, part-wanting-to-just-curl-up-and-die. For lack of a better word, it sucks. It just downright sucks. But I know you're stronger than that, and I know that feeling will end eventually. I know you'd never act on that feeling, but, if things start to get really bad again, just try to keep in mind that things WILL get better, and I've been in the same boat and it kills me to see you in it, so I'm more than willing to grab a raft and paddle out to help you however I might be able to. *hugs*

You're an amazing person, Sandy. Don't deny that. You're learning from this whole mess instead of trying to place blame or ignore it. You've been toughing it out for so long. I have no idea where you get this strength from. I just hope you can let go of the insecurities you now have about love and that your heart can accept that it's not like this for all married couples, so, when you get older, you can be happy with someone. <:^/

rebecca 02-12-2013 02:37 AM

Crap, I should avoid this thread. Empathising with writing is difficult. I just don't know what to say, aside from 'get over it', which is rude and probably not possible. I feel sorry for all you peoples, but I cannot help. Which makes me angry, and I have a kind of Hulk alter-ego. If anything I cannot tolerate happens, such as people teasing me, bad things happening sometimes, idiosyncrasies being violated, or even people doing things that make me feel uncomfortable, such as my friend refusing to put a guitar down, to irritate me. I tried to hit her with it. I tried to stab another friend with scissors. I'm starting to worry those people could be right about me. Maybe I am dangerous. Maybe I do need to be locked up.

LaurenM 02-12-2013 02:47 AM

Well, you're not alone. I have a friend who's the same, and it doesn't help that she learns Kung-Fu. A girl's immediately scared of me whenever I glare at her, so I do that just to get a relation out of her. I also have a tendency to pull people's hair, whereas my friend brings her knee up to people's stomachs.

Lily09 02-12-2013 03:00 AM

This is really selfish, but I want to be someone's first choice for once.
I have best friends.
They're online, but they're still my best friends.
What makes me feel awful though is that I'm not anyone's best friend. I'm second choice, if I'm lucky.
I don't know. I want to feel important. I want to have a best friend in real life that also considers me his/her best friend, but as of right now, I can only consider people online to be my best friends, and I'm not even theirs and this has been a really annoying, bratty, selfish rant.

DragonRider 02-12-2013 06:12 AM

Hello again, depression.
Long time no see.
Yay.
-_-

soph-soph27 02-12-2013 07:43 AM

i can't write anymore why can't i write anymore go away when i could sing i felt better and i just want to feel better go away let me write again why can't i write again i swear i can't handle this it's so much just go away and let me die or live

LaurenM 02-12-2013 11:10 AM

I feel so whiny saying this, but I got a new iPod to replace my old one, which was cracked because it slipped from my hands in Disneyland. I made a backup so my game levels wouldn't be affected, but the backup didn't work so now I have to get all those blades again in Fruit Ninja and play all those levels in Unblock Me. Fifty-something fricking levels.
And I'm finally opening up to poetry again after about half a year, but being really annoyed that my mouse couldn't click the effing 'align to right' button, I pressed 'Ctrl + R' instead, which aligned to right in Word, but not on the Internet. I knew that, but I was so frustrated that I forgot, so I reloaded the whole page and poof! the poem was gone. I know I should've written it in Word, but it somehow doesn't get the same feel.
Maybe I'll try again, but life is just so kind to us, isn't it?

LaurenM 02-12-2013 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pluzzle (Post 422527)
Hey.
Everyone is best friends here (well aside from some but pfft).

I'm not sure if I have a best friend, or just some very good friends.
Quote:

Originally Posted by DragonRider (Post 422533)
Hello again, depression.
Long time no see.
Yay.
-_-

/pushes-depression-away.
YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE! /hides-cookies-originally-planned-for-happifulness.

cheezemziez 02-12-2013 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DragonRider (Post 422533)
Hello again, depression.
Long time no see.
Yay.
-_-

Is this why you were off today?

Exorcizamus te, omnis tristis spiritus,
omnis maesus potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, misellus,
omnis inane, omnis anxietudo et secta maestitia.
Ergo, tristis maledicte.
Garancam tuam securi tibi facias libertate servire,
te rogamus, audi nos.


A depression exorcism I wrote/converted from Supernatural. May not work against demons.

Do you want to talk about it?


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