Haha, my therapist moved to California when she got a divorce. I haven't gotten a new one since.

Maybe he'd let me, let me go alone. But one thing I can just see him doing is trying to rub my back or touch my hand and there's nothing in this world that I hate more then him doing that. Maybe it's his way of letting me know that he's there and he cares, but I hate it so much.

Thanks Madie, along with this lovely mental breakdown I got for my birthday, I've also gotten really ill. I've lost 7 pounds and haven't felt like eating in days. Year 14 is starting off with a bang.

It was literally 9F here tonight, and the graveyard she's buried in is at least 5 miles away from and country store of anything.

bad luck...

if you could ask him to be alone when you go to the grave, i'm sure he would understand that.

it'll get better. thirteen was my worst year. it's gotten easier in a lot of ways, i.e. i feel much better about myself, i've gotten less awkward/annoying, i know i've definitely improved this year...but at the same time, it's gotten harder, i.e. i have no idea if i'm 100% straight, my parents don't like my personal beliefs, i've lost my sanity and emotional stability due to bands, and self-harm is...well. it comes and goes. i've never self-harmed this much in one year (twice so far), but i haven't wanted to in a long time.

but my point is, it gets better. easier, maybe, harder, definitely...but better. don't worry.

ugh i'm sorry. i think the only thing you can do is actually ask him. you should tell him you want to be alone. maybe he'll do the comfort-y-uncomfortable-thing, but at least you get to go.

ok so i don't know much about the depression thing, or the alcohol thing, or any of the other things people have on this thread, but i know about losing weight. unhealthy amounts of weight.

you need to eat. i know that you might not be hungry and you might feel gross but you need to eat. please eat. gain the weight back. i swear it starts at 7 but then it adds up please eat. if you need a steady in your life, make it that you eat three meals a day at set times. keep a schedule.

eat. i cannot stress this enough. try really hard not to skip meals.

(i'm sorry if i sounded super aggressive there. my sister had an eating disorder and so the whole losing-weight-body-image thing scares me, because she was so, so thin and i just... please eat.)

I wasn't trying to lose weight.

I went through this period last year where I was anorexic, but I started eating again.

Recently I've wanted to try bulimia (that's such an awful thing to write) but haven't had the guts to stick my finger down my throat. I guess that's a good thing.

But after vomiting for three days straight. . .Gods I love losing weight. I tried to make myself eat something the other day and that made me vomit. Today all I had was a piece of bacon, two chicken nuggets, a bread stick and a salad. And I currently feel like I've eaten a 5 course meal.

Not eating is the easiest thing right now. I'll start eating again when I start feeling hungry. Promise.

I really hope it gets better

Cause if it doesn't

I'm dead

why aren't you eating? are you sick? is it mental or physical? i'm sorry i know you hate me for asking

i'm glad you're not trying to lose weight.

you need to eat. just keep on trying. even if it's just a salad or a sandwich or some crackers and cheese, just eat. i'm worried that you're not going to be hungry again.

Talk about suicidal thoughts; self harm; but it's positive I promise
 

It feels really weird to look back on myself even a year ago. I was suicidally depressed one week, having manic highs the next, self harming almost every day. I was completely in denial about my trans identity even though I had accepting friends. I hadn't even found the right fit for a name yet. One day I was talking to my teacher, after I'd walked in and he asked how I was (I said "i feel like shit" and he said "yeah, me too"), and he told me he was really worried about me. I tried to assure him I was fine but I couldn't, and instead I broke down into tears. Next week I was taken out of class by the guidance counsellor who called my parents, told them sternly that I need to see someone again, told them that my self harm is out of control and that they might lose me.

Six months later, I was 3 months self-harm free, out as trans to my semi-unsupportive-but-still-want-the-best-for-me parents, out to my friends, and on track to being out at school. And then, 7 months later I'm here: almost a year self harm free, returning to school next year in the male uniform and the right name on the roll, I gave one of my best friends the courage to come out as trans at school too, and I feel great. I remember coming to terms with my gender identity on this very website (Thank you so much Elliot. You have no idea what your support means to me) and how unsure I was; oh, how sure I am now. But I couldn't have done it without bi-weekly therapy (twice a week, not fortnightly, you Americans :P) and trying about 6 different meds, but hey, I'm here. It took me five years to be able to see the world in a better light, and to be able to recognise that there is love everywhere - you just need to reach out for it. But those 5 years made me a better person. I'm on track to complete high school in two years time and then go to university overseas after that.

This may seem like a gloat-type post. I promise you it's not. I really just needed to write it all down. And I want all of the people on this thread that feel like they're ready to die - if you're considering it, why not try something new? Change something in your life? Do something you've always wanted to do, like go skydiving, go to a big concert, take acting classes - these may be the times or the places you feel the most love in your life, something you'll hold with you forever. There are so many experiences to be had and I hope everyone here lives long enough to escape their teenage years and reinvent themselves.

this makes me so incredibly happy

im so proud of you

Umm, probably both, but my losing weight is directly related to being physically sick.