Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340118)

Oh. I know that feeling so much. Don't worry, though, if you feel like worrying, even though you can't feel at the moment. But don't come out of the nonfeeling with worry, if you know what I mean. Take it slow. Appreciate things. Notice things. Understand things. Feel. You'll be all right, Soph. Just breathe.

God. Mira. I just.
Sorry, I just read that part about where NO ONE NOTICED. And the thing is, I can completely and totally relate to that. See, remember I was telling you about that time in fifth grade? Where I was horribly depressed and felt fat, ugly, and stupid, like I wanted to lock myself away in a hole and slowly watch myself disappear into a mesh of atoms and cells that were devoured by--well, you get the point. And I felt so awful. But I couldn't do anything about it. So I wore a black shirt (long-sleeved) under everything, and I was actually almost desperate for someone to notice because I wanted SOMEONE to drag me out of this hole that I'd put myself into, because I sure as hell couldn't do it myself. And NO ONE NOTICED. This lasted for roughly a month and a half. And all those eight weeks, NO ONE NOTICED. It was just horrible. I felt completely unwanted and unloved and even though I shared jokes and laughed and smiled and flailed I didn't actually FEEL any of that. It was all just an act, a big f---ing phony act, and I wanted someone to effing NOTICE. But no one did. And eventually I had to drag my sorry ass out of that pit myself, and eventually I made it back to normal, but it never really went away, and now it comes out at the worst moments. So. Mira. Let me tell you something. If I had been there, I might not have noticed. I'll be totally honest with you about that. Because horrid things happen, and humans don't like acknowledging that--either that, or they acknowledge it too much, and they twist it so it's all really okay, but it's not, it's f---ing NOT. So. I'm only human, you're only human, we're all only human. And that means that sometimes people are NOT GOING TO NOTICE. And it's gonna hurt a hell of a lot, and you're gonna cry, and there are going to be time when you feel like your belly is dragging in the fires of hell. But. But but but but but but but but. You've got to be brave. You've got to tell people about this stuff, because it's the only way you can get better. To share. Because sharing is human, too, and humans have empathy thing, and that feels f---ing FANTASTIC when you're feeling down. So it's okay to feel down and bad and horrid, but remember to eventually (don't wait too late, I've done that a million times and it's NOT) tell someone, or just vent and cry and scream, but give it TO, don't trap it IN. You shall get through this, because that's what friends are for: to help you. <3 And now, the evil smiley face: :)

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340120)

You.
Are the most amazing human being on this planet.

You know that? *sobs*

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340118)

Oh. I know that feeling so much. Don't worry, though, if you feel like worrying, even though you can't feel at the moment. But don't come out of the nonfeeling with worry, if you know what I mean. Take it slow. Appreciate things. Notice things. Understand things. Feel. You'll be all right, Soph. Just breathe.

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340122)

AHAHAHAHAHAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

But thank you.

.....
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t...llpaper004.jpg
http://lyrics8e.nettisivu.org/files/...group-shot.jpg
This should really not need any more explanation. xD

Originally Posted by MaryElizabeth (Post 340123)

Pokey. When I am reading your stories, I don't care about what you look like, or who you talk to at school, or whether or not you're a very social person. What I care about is your spectacular writing, and how freaking much I want to be able to write like that.

Don't you ever call yourself a failure.

Originally Posted by soph-soph27 (Post 340124)

I know. And thank you. I try to appreciate. Poetry used to be my solace. But Heather. You don't understand. I know that sounds petty and unappreciative, but it's like being inside a cage and being muffled more and more and more and more and more. And things just keep piling up, not even homework or obligations but stress upon stress upon stress. And I try to keep everyone happy, I try to them happy, you happy, family happy, everyone else, but somehow I don't fit in, and I'm left dangling off like a tree root hanging off a cliff, or that weird puzzle piece that goes to another puzzle and doesn't fit in yours. It just explodes in my face, and I tell mys elf I should feel something, I should feel sad, angry. The explosion just sort of dares me to feel worse, saying well, what will you do about it? And I just cry inside and do what I always do, I hurt myself until I can't feel anything but physical pain. And physical pain makes me think, why am I doing this, and it leads to emotional pain, and inside all the pain every feeling in my body is taunting me, laughing and telling me I'm not good enough for anything. And the worst part is, I believe them. I dig up the worst things about things that have happened to people I care about, and I believe, I truly believe that it was my fault that they got hurt. So I'm self pitying myself, and hurting myself, and all because I need to feel.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340125)

It really doesn't. xD
(youshouldliketotallyrespondtomyemail)



Thank you so much. I know I'm being ridiculous, it's just something in the back of my head, CONSTANTLY reminding me of these things.

I'm leaving now. Nightie!

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 339974)

To be completely honest with you, I'm eighty percent sure that you're prettier than I'll ever be... :^I If you, at one point had a picture of yourself on KP (...I think you did, maybe for your profile pic)... I wish I looked like you. :'(

But really...


Oh god, thank you so much. I know this sounds really weird, seeing as you sound really miserable, but I just came back from a really crappy day and knowing someone else feels the same really makes me feel like there's a huge load off me.
My mom spent the first hour that I got home from school screaming at me that I have an eating disorder because I asked her not to make me noodles and freaking cheese for lunch tomorrow, maybe a nice salad instead. (I tell her not to make lunch or clean my room in the first place, but she does and then she complains about having to do it, even though every time I tell her not to... ._.) I don't know, maybe I said something else, I really don't remember... all I know is that it escalated into a huge screaming fit and now we both think the other one is psychotic and insane. She's starting with the eating disorder clinic bluffs and threatening to take me out of IB--the best thing that's happened in my entire life--yet again, and it's tearing me apart, just like it always does. Thanks, mom. After all this time, yet again you listen with your mouth rather than your eyes and ears. And by listening I mean not listening at all.
You are perfectly aware that my weight is a massive weight on my shoulders (no pun intended... =_=) You have succeeded in spontaneously slamming me with a million other things, now--thank you. Really. So much.
I can't start running again until the ninteenth or later because of my homework (which helps me relax) and my gym membership expired, so we're getting a treadmill in the house. It feels like I have a century ahead of me of waiting and praying that I can make it through until I have my outlet back.
I don't know how I'm going to entertain my friend tomorrow--I feel like a mess. I shoved my fingers down my throat after eating the noodles, and before that I had eaten all the noodles to console myself for the fact that I had eaten them in the first place, (what the heck...) as usual nothing happened, I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if everyone else sees what I see--I truly don't believe that they do. I know, I have a problem.... but Mom, stuffing me with what I'm trying to avoid isn't going to help. Of course, I'm going to freak out. Oh god, please... let the treadmill come soon... (*prays*)


What, you're going to feed spiders to an arachnophobia and then give them the death penalty for being scared?

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340128)

Okay, now that you're clarifying, maybe I don't really understand, but maybe I don't really need to. Don't take that as an insult. But y'know, you can email me, and we can chat, and you can vent however much you want. If that doesn't help... I don't know. Try to find someone who can relate, or who you feel can relate, if you feel I can't. Okay? But believe me on one thing: YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. I've cried inside, too, I've cried outside. And Soph, it is NOT your fault. Fault is not necessary. Blame is unnecessary. Because everyone causes everything causes everyone, and the farther you go back, the deeper you go, until you realize that it wasn't you, and maybe it wasn't them, either, and maybe it was someone you don't even know. You can't know all of everyone's story. So don't believe it's your fault for the hurt. Like Melanie said (well, I'll paraphrase cuz I don't remember exactly), you don't know what goes on at people's homes. You don't know all the sides of something that someone went through, because emotions are things with so many layers and you can't reveal all of them at once or maybe ever, see what I mean? In the meantime... Listen to songs and write poetry and read whatever you need to read. That's what these things are for, actually, so that you can get better through someone else's pain that they're not feeling anymore but they felt once and it's relatable... I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. But let me know if I can do anything more to help.

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340048)

I can only write poetry when I'm sad, though. /addedbonus Woo. Hoo. Yay.
Feels like s---. Urghhh.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340111)

I wasn't crying because I felt ugly, no. It's just the fact that I feel ugly thar ADDS to everything else, and that's what made me totally fall apart.