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yes I do but it's made me realize kind of that everyone eventually finds someone that they can talk to and some people are lucky and it's going to be their mother or someone who's there the whole time but idk I just realized this year that a lot of people love me, like, a lot and everyone has a point in their life where they realizes that. :3 you will too |
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worried about my mum she isn't home yet and it's late whsknxmjaksmx she's not answering her phone it goes straight to voice mail
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Do you want to talk? Email? *huggles* *Pulls back for lecture* You do NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES cut yourself, okay? Good. *huggles* |
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and also I know that almost cutting feeling, it's happened to me a few times - but please please please don't ever actually do that. |
I'm so sorry. I'm am really f---ing sorry.
I think about it every day. How if it weren't for my stupid f---ing decisions, none of this would have happened. I've done it to you too many times. I'm sorry but I'm not doing it again. Not to be mean, not to cause drama, not anything to do with me, but because I can't even handle the fact of doing it to you again. It's all my fault. Don't even try to blame it on yourself because it's all my fault. You have every right to be as pissed off as you want. Because you are the real victim here. I loved what we had. Especially when she was with us too. But I ruined it. Me and my stupid feelings and instincts had to go and f--k it all up. I appreciate everything that you did to try to save it, but we all knew it wasn't going to happen. I think about this everyday. Every single day I think about how I could have had a good year last year, how I could have had friends last year, if it weren't for this. Once again I'm so so sorry. You are awesome and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I love you. Camille. |
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I just had this friend and I kind of ruined it and i just needed to vent. Sorry. I'm okay though. |
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Understand. |
(*curls up in the corner*)
I really effing hate myself right now. |
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I don't know you well. More admired from the sidelines than talked to you. But you do not deserve to hate yourself because you're amazing. I've been reading WOT in my spare time, and it's amazing too. Hating yourself is no no, do you understand? |
I just realized
That this will be my first and last serious year on KP. And I'm only one! *cries* I forsee the years afterwards. After this year, I will not be on KP everyday. Pressure and stress will press around me, and before I know it, I will be going off to high school. By the time I have orientation sorted out, I will be 16. 16 is rather old. Most of you are 15, tops. I don't want to leave. I don't I don't I don't. Second star to the right I wanna go to Neverland. ;~; |
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Because I'm going to be sixteen in July so...yeah. |
i literally cannot focus on anything at all
i'm falling apart i've started having really vivid nightmares and it took me two days to realize that they were only dreams and my mom and one of my best friends both are legitimately concerned i have depression or something but i really don't think i do? i'm not broken and i don't need to be fixed even if i am, i'm going to keep telling myself that i'm not sick and i dont want to be treated like i can't think for myself even though it's true i just want to be human?? that's all isn't that what everybody wants? i want to talk about it and other people want to talk about it but i don't know what to say or how to describe it other than i feel like my head is separated from my body and i can't tell if i'm dreaming or if i'm actually alive i can't put anything into words i dont feel real?? i feel like i'm existing on all these different planes, like i'm semi-opaque, like i'm glitching, time doesn't flow around me anymore?? i'm losing track of everything days and hours and minutes are passing and i know what the numbers mean but i still don't understand??? i have to go back to school tomorrow (i'm taking today off) and i don't know what i'm going to do am i even a person??? do i even think? am i existing i feel terrible i keep trying to pick myself up but i always fall through my fingers like sand edit: the only thing that keeps me hopeful and optimistic about myself and my mind is that maybe, someday, i'll get better, and i'll be able to hold onto reality like the other kids do, and that i'll become a real person instead of the poorly strung-together abstract thought that i am now |
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keep pushing therapy with your parents. like you don't have to go on medication, but they'd have a lot more experience and be more helpful than your friends, you know? *hugs u gently* *passes u a chocolate bar* ily daddy |
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You're right. You WILL be better at all this eventually. ^_^ Please don't lose hope in that, okay? I think you should seriously go to your parents and ask them to get you a therapist. I know you don't want to take drugs, and that's fine. You don't have to. Just talking with and being helped by a professional will allow you to progress SO MUCH MORE than just talking to friends and family. I think a therapist could really help you with this, or at least help you reduce your stress level and help you cope. I'm really glad you're taking a day off. <:^3 You deserve it, Dansy. You really do. (*hugs again*) (*whispers*) Can I just say something though...? You're still super creative and beautiful and descriptive, even when you're not doing so well. You just...I think you're MADE of talent. o__o Just, the way you word everything and describe how you feel and compare everything to...(*shakes head*) You're truly unique, Cass. o.o You really are. <:^D |
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In other news my brother just ransacked my room. And by that i mean flipped over my table and threw all my stuff on the floor and broke stuff. I seriously don't know how much more of his attitude I can take. I hate him. |
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Your bio says you're 13 What And don't leave okay Please |
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I'm 13 ahaha I meant that- Where I live, grades and schools count for like, 99% of your life. Which sucks, because I'm an A--B+-yet-I-still-somehow-get-honor-roll-cause-the-teachers-like-me kid. If I want to get into a decent high school, I need to perk up, like, soon. Like 8th grade. And we have NO summer break at all for 8th-to 9th, and no winter break 9th grade. I'll be taking the test for high school May 2016, I think. Like, two years away and my mother is already like STUDY STUDY STUDY THE TEST THAT TOTALLY MAKES OR RUINS YOUR LIFE IS ONLY TWO YEARS AWAY And I'm like, Mom. Chill. It's two years away. And she's like *pushes me away from computer* well you better start studying for it as soon as the year ends. So basically, I only have until winter break next year to be pushed into a flurry of pressure and studies and tests and ughhhhh And then I won't have the 9th to 10th summer to myself either because we would have to go to freshmen orientation. Aaaaand which means my life is pretty much mapped out until like 2017 or something. I know life sucks right? |
I have always been afraid of earthquakes. I just am. Maybe because it was an earthquake that nearly destroyed my house a long time ago. I wasn't alive then, but my mother was pregnant with me already.
The retelling of that one still sends shivers down my spine. I live somewhere with a lot of earthquakes, but still it has been a while since there was one as big as this one. This one was small from where I am; no harm done at all, just a gentle rocking that went on for a good 10 seconds. But still, compared to other earthquakes last year, this one was bigger. And more sudden if anything. AND it was in the middle of the night. I have panic attacks when earthquakes happen. Paranoid much? Perhaps, but. I've always been scared of earthquakes. I'm shaken. |
so today we had a program about suicide prevention and we had to be tested for depression and I found I had to lie on the questions so they wouldn't make me talk to someone
I'm pretty sure i'm not depressed, just going through a rough period of loneliness and just vague always-there sadness I'm just so confused right now |
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:3 my school had a survey and I said I was bi
it's like the first official thing :') |
I had one of those days when everything pissed me the hell off. If I had gotten out of that school a moment later, I would have probably kicked the shit out of the nearest innocent bystander.
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okaY I HATE MIXED SIGNALS
like if ur gonna wink @ me and tell me you like my hair pls stick with me |
Wow sorry that i don't like all the things you like and you feel the need to criticize me for not liking them...? Like if you like punk music then heyy good for you listen to what makes you happy but you're taking it way too far okay listening to Coldplay does not make me less than you wearing "preppier" clothes does not make me less than you liking things that other people happen to like does not make me less than you.
Like My friend yammers about how she's all "for equality" but she literally hates anyone who's different from her. Doesn't matter if you have different opinions, different music taste, different drawing style, you're less than her because of it. But of course, you know, she's sooooo open and accepting. Also I'm so afraid of dumb things and a lot of the time I keep forgetting that it's all unreasonable and everything will be okay. |
I'm just gonna say.
I f*cking hate periods. They are purely from the devil. Just like stupid flappy bird. Flappy bird and periods are bitches. |
w h Y IS eV ERY THING SO TRIGGERIN G NOW
like my own blood doesnt bother me in the least but this guy in latin cut his hand open and i was panicking like ?S?Gdhg/sdHDSGLk///?/////??????????? and then i was reading a book that described cutting and it was not good w HY IS EVERYTHING EXTRA TRIGGERING TO ME RIGHT NOW I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT IN MY LIFE on the upside i kind of genuinely loathe myself today and that actually makes me feel much better |
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That's the theory in my world so no one can argue. :D |
more dumb vents im sry
i've decided that i'm not going to be the first one to let go of my friendships anymore
i have to stop pushing people away i need to stop isolating myself i need to stop i need to stop i know i'm worth something to people i know that i'm worth something i need to stop letting people go |
*is such a third wheel in everything that its not even funny* literally. My music is my best friend right now. It's the only friend I need.
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<:^) You're right, you ARE worth something to people. You're worth a lot to a lot of people. (*gives coffee and chocolate*) I'm very glad you've realized this. I'm sorry you're having trouble, though...it's hard not to isolate yourself, especially when you're struggling. People mean well and they care, but, it's hard not to push them away sometimes. I really do hope you learn how to not do that. (*hugs again*) Please don't be too hard on yourself, okay? |
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how r u tho |
I stayed off school today.
I couldn't face going in. And I finally found my excuse to stay home. I had a meltdown last night, for no reason. Everything, since about December-ish had been leading up to this. I've felt sadder, seen things as more pointless, shut myself off and I haven't written a decent piece in months. I talked to my parents and they agreed I should stay off for today, and just today. I was in tears though. I've been more anxious, more afraid, less like myself. And I've struggled to get to that stage - my sarcastic, obnoxious awesome stage. I've acted so well I fooled myself. I've distracted myself with TV, I've stopped reading because I can't focus. I worry, though, that this is a slippery slope, and one day off school because of anxiety will surely lead to more. It's funny. No matter how desperate and upset I get, no matter how much I panic, there is one little voice, a little part of my talking slowly, ironically, analysing things rationally. It asks 'are you doing this just to stay off school?'. 'If I were doing all this just to stay off school, and I don't think I am, there is something wrong with me and I do indeed need a break'. Has anyone got any input for how I should handle the deep, pointless sadness that is swallowing me up for no reason whatsoever? |
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im ok wbu |
*makes plans with someone*
*gets really happy and excited to hang out with them* *that someone has to cancel* oh okay |
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