of course i can loathe myself.
i can also argue several points against your theory, but i think it would kind of make you feel bad, and i'm trying to not do that stuff anymore.



case in point.
in fifth grade, i was a bitch. i mean, like, an actual state of the art annoying as fuck please shove my face in a toilet bitch. i judged people harshly and meanly and was crude rude disgusting purposely irritating and just, altogether, an extreme bitch. somehow my little ten year old mind pieced it together that since no one really liked me, i would make it so that i didn't want to be liked. i was a bitch. a flatout bitch. there is actually no better way to describe fifth grade me other than a bitch.
in sixth grade i wasn't much better.
briefly, in seventh grade, believe it or not, i actually gathered a rather large grouping of friends.
eighth grade, that fell to shit.
and i'm still a bitch, honestly, i just don't really care that i'm a bitch anymore. of course i consciously hate myself, but subconsciously, due to my unemotional state of depression, i don't care. but subconsciously, due to my overemotional state of anxiety, i do care. i care too much. but also, i don't give a fuck.
so i'm mean and cruel and often downright horrible to people and when i'm doing it, saying shit that doesn't mean anything but still hurts people, it doesn't matter to me. it's only later when i replay my words that i give myself a proper punishment in return for what i did to the people i talked trash at.
i'm a vicious cycle within myself, honestly. i think if i actually was a decent human being deep in my soul i would be able to stop it.
but i've never been anything near a decent human being. and i never will be. and i'm okay with that. i don't care, says my depression. you should care, says my anxiety. the depression wins a lot. the anxiety comes in brief bursts. sometimes it converges with depression into suicidal urge, and i think that there is nothing to be gained by myself being on this planet, because i'm certainly not helping the situation here.
but i'm also vain and overly logical and my brain loves to point out some of my flawless one-liners and some of the very few good pieces of writing i've produced and also my extreme talent for math.
and i decide that i'm too important to kill myself just yet.
that doesn't mean the feeling is gone forever.
it means i've proven it wrong, for now.

Um, I don't really know where I should post this? It might be better suited for the girls thread or crush discussion thread, but he's NOT my "crush" as you people call it... and he doesn't make me feel "girly."

This is one of my really close childhood friends... I say childhood friend because I haven't seen much of him in the last two years and haven't communicated with him since like, last fall... Though I need to send him an iTunes gift card. Anyways, our younger sisters are in the same grade and are friends, so every year for my sister's birthday party my sister invites both my friend's sister and my friend. But... I don't know... I haven't talked to him and I feel kind of like an idiot... I don't know if we're still friends... I've changed and I'm not really the same person he was close friends with... I wonder if he could still be friends with the me of today? I read through our old texts... And I just feel like some kind of clingy b*tch that wasn't so much a friend as an obsessive stalker. There were these long string of texts of mine met with no reply from him, and they just seem so chipper and cheerful and annoyingly clingy/obsessive, though he did always make me smile more than most. I don't know if he's changed, too...? The last twoish times I've seen him, we didn't even talk. We're just two smart and talented kids (though he much more than me) that do a lot of the same things, so we still see each other on occasion even though we go to different schools now... He waved to me twice and briefly interacted with me once. One could say I was happy to see him... I guess that's how you'd describe it. Although, it was really like a tight grip squeezed my heart for a moment or two... got dayum that sounds sappy. He looked happy to see me? But I don't really know? Most of my friends are the 'quiet to the outsider, crazy to the insider' type.

So... This year I want to invite him to my sister's party again? But I don't want to seem desperate or obsessive or clingy again? And if he did come, I wouldn't want it to be awkward? Do we even have stuff to talk about anymore? Even if we do it still might be awkward... Cos we can both be awkward people. Plus it's gonna be a pool party??? If you can see where I'm going? And sorry for all the question marks...

I guess... We were friends for a reason? I should have faith in him cos we've been friends for so long? I dunno.

Also there may have been this one time in third grade when we kissed-- but you know we were just third graders and bleh. That could make things awkward but I kind of dismissed it as a dream... But that's pointless anyways as I'm not open to love anymore and have lost any desire for a future boyfriend or husband as goes the ebb and flow of time and equivalent exchange. AND NO IM NOT CRUSHING ON HIM NOR IS HE CRUSHING ON ME. WE MAY HAVE HAD SOME NAIVE CHILDISH CRAP IN THE PAST BUT BLEH. just... Awkward past "romantic" tension

AND YES THIS IS THE GUY OKAY
yeah

Dude I know that feel

fucking insomnia

Lenaaaaa I know that feeling *huggles and gives cookies*
Ew shh. *more huggles*

Talk to him. Totally go for it. Me be wishing you luck. *pushes you toward childhood friend*

I really really hate girls who think they're above other girls because They don't wear makeup or dresses, they watch anime instead of romantic comedies, or they read books about war rather than read books about typically girly stuff.

Honestly.
Does it MATTER?
You're not above them.
Stop.

There is no above and no below. In fact, status is directionless, as is life.

It's all a matter of personal taste and preference.

That was my point. We're all equal.

I'm scared of life.

Everyone's scared of life because everything is unexpected. You never know what it'll throw at you. Welcome to the club. You're not alone. :p

I may dislike rom-coms because I find them low quality, but plenty of girls dislike crime shows for a similar reason. I may dislike their opinions, but that doesn't mean I think I'm better.

Even though, of course, I am.

Funny how you feel so high off of happiness one day and then so shitty the next.
I don't think I've ever hurt this much over liking someone I've never stood a chance with. Although maybe it's just the fact that we aren't even friends (*coughcoughacceptmydamnfriendrequestcoughcough*)
I guess you're just too good for someone like me.

Listen, no matter what that person thinks, YOU MATTER. If they don't want to even be friends with you, then they have no idea what they're missing out on. I know for a fact that you are a good person because whenever you're on KP, you make us all feel happy and great. So it doesn't matter if that person doesn't think you're cool. Because if they don't think you're cool, boy, are they WRONG.

Are you ever just hanging out with your friends and having a great time
And then you stay with them later than you should because somehow you end up grumpy and tired
And you kind of end up sitting alone and the jokes your friends make that normally you would laugh at just kind of insult you when they shouldn't
Jeez those nights suck

I honestly don't feel like a child anymore, and often.
Then I think I'm too damn childish for my own good.
Woo. My childhood likes to come back and haunt me.

so my guy friend now knows that I've self harmed and I'm anorexic, hallucinatory, and occasionally suicidal.

he found out yesterday and kind of had an emotional breakdown

today I told him more and he appears to be okay but idk

You honestly don't know how much better that made me feel. *hugs* Thanks for that. (:

I'd worry.
In fact, I do worry.
You can join my 'oh great now I have to worry about HER as well club'. Which is full of half of KP.
I WORRY OKAY! I care too much!

fuck it

i'm leaving.
4 realzies i think/hope

u know why
it's all bullshit
i can't relate 2 any of u guys
whenever i talk to somone i feel like i'm interrupting
whenever i say anything i get disregarded

i can't be around people who i think i'm annoying
i just can't and nothing could really change that??
so ya

i'll leave u with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m-e4PgiVfM
somethings in that video are a little bit like here sometimes later in the video
sorry if i upset u with that comparison

wake up everyone
it's not true

It's fine if you feel that way, but we all will really miss you if you leave. If KP has done anything to hurt and/or offend you I'm super sorry and hope that I'm not one of those people that have made you hate us.


Don't worry. I actually have a bunch of super dedicated irl friends who care.


Like two and a half of them. :D

last night i was actually quite violently suicidal and desperate and self pitying and pathetic.
i mean, more than usual.
i was at a train station and honestly the only thing from stopping me from walking into the train's path was that my parents were right there and i refuse to scar them like that.
but i'm better now, so i guess that's okay. whatever.

i dont hate u guys nonono
i couldn't love u guys more

...half?
D:

it's good you're better now
thank god you were with your parents

I'm sorry you feel that way :c But if you do stay and you ever need to talk, I'll listen. I'm not the best at talking, but I'm grateful to talk to anyone and I won't get annoyed. But anyways, if you do leave, good luck and we really will miss you. I hope if you leave that you leave with good memories that overpower the bad :\

Hey pluzzle, even if you do leave, keep in touch right? I'll miss seeing you here. Although hopefully your capital letters will become more tolerable.

fuck man ok next time ANYTHING like that happens, email me or something okay??? or snapchat me or text me i dont even care just DONT FUCKING DO THAT

To quote LST don't ever go without letting someone know. You can email me too, but DON'T do that.

that video is actually wonderful and explains everything wrong with this website/the world/tumblr wow

i still havent reactivated my snapchat because i'm a lazyass bastard i'm sorry
but ok thank you i will try
i'll try not to. sorry.

one of them that cares but doesn't want me to talk about it because it makes her uncomfortable so

no you are not whiney or attention seeking. what you're feeling is actually completely normal and don't worry YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF TO FIND THE PERSON OF YOUR DREAMS

there is a very special person in my life who notices me and reciprocates my romantic feelings and we do everything together but I never have had to change myself for him because the right person loves you for who you are and there is going to be someone okay *hugs*

last Thursday I got the closest I've ever gotten to killing myself.

I had a bottle of pills in one hand and a suicide note in the other

and then I heard this little beep and it was my soul sister talking to me on google hangouts and she was like "I know you had a rough day and I want you to know that I love you forever and ever"


and then I was okay but I mean what would have happened if she hadn't pressed send at that exact moment

Disappointing people is one of the worst shits ever.

fuck okay omg *hugs*
can you promise me something? if you ever get that bad/that close again, message me, okay? or email me or send me a message on tumblr or something
even if you think no one cares just do it okay
*hugs you to death*

if you ever get that close again send me an email (charliisallama@gmail.com)
srsly *tackles you with hugs*

1. you're v pretty
2. v good singer
3. wow you're cool

three good reasons why you're special :cool:

please stay

What pluzzle said.
You know we all care about you. You know I love you to pieces. If you did that I'd cry. Me. I would be in tears. We've never even met but you mean a lot to me.
AA.
Please don't do that. I know I'm being selfish but it would break my heart (not to mention the effect upon your family and those around you) and waste your life and immense talent.
You're a genius. Don't let that go to waste. Make something of it.
I'm not overly good at these speeches, but I just wanted to let you know how much I care.

hey hey hey hey
*hugs you*
i know we don't talk that much, but honestly i've always thought you're hella cool. you ARE special. you're you and no one else is like you. you're kind and sweet and funny and a good writer and a good artist and you're a hella friend and you're really pretty and you're a gREAT singer
but yo dude okay if you're thinking of killing yourself again, email me or message me on skype or something, okay?? i will literally drop everything, whether i'm at work or in the middle of a test at school or even if i have to stay up all night to make u feel better, to try to help you because you're that fucking important okay
*hugs*
don't kill yourself.

(also yo u should start getting on skype more anyway so we can talk bc you're hella \o/)

Do you ever just feel like crying but nothing is wrong? Like, I'm sitting here, half in tears, FOR NO REASON, when I actually had a pretty good day. whAT THE HELL