self harm tw
 

Milo: babe pls hold on for little bit longer I'm gonna message u on tumblr when I get home from school in a few hours ok? If u plan on doing anything please WAIT until I can talk to you k hon? Please wait just a little bit

Oh my gosh, please, PLEASE listen to what C.T. has to say. I'm not good at helping people feel better but I know she is so PLEASE hear her out
I'm so sorry

hang tight, milo, okay. i don't really know what to do, but if AshWolf is about to message you, then please just hold on for a while. help is on the way, alright? If you want, i can find ur email and send you a bunch of stupid pictures and videos that are so random, but distracting.

i'm so sorry, i don't know how to deal with self harm but don't hurt yourself too much. you have to get strong and fight back, even if you have to do it quietly. you're getting stronger, but don't hurt yourself and slow that down. you're gonna get through everything, just. don't die please

oh no milo u deleted ur account
I completely forgot about that
is there any other way I can contact u babe?

im hhousukeodoroki but i think u hav my snapchat idk
thank u u r all 2 kind (:

Wow. A lot of emotions today.
First a girl told me that she heard some girls making fun of me and what I was wearing, which as much as I try to not let it bother me, it still keeps coming up in my mind.
But then after she told me that, I had the greatest time with some girls in my class, and that just made me so happy.
But now, my ex best friend is doing a tbh on instagram and I wrote out this really long thing about how sorry I was and that I missed her and none of it was her fault. I just can't get myself to send it though.
Ugh.

EDIT: I sent it. She replied and told me it wasn't entirely my fault, and that she never blamed me. I am so glad that I did this. Even if we don't become friends again, this is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I am so happy.

hey thats awesome that she replied, good on you!! sucks that ppl were making fun of you but its good that you had a good time with the other girls!


ignore me
Holy shit Okay, he did it again he keeps telling me everything i do is stupid and that i should die hooly shit ok. Ok.

don't ignore me
he's a piece of fucking shit and you deserve so much more than that. Please remember what I said bab, I know it's fucking difficult but pls remember

self harm + suicide implied ?
 

thanks man ily ❤️❤️
hes lecturing me as we talk little does he know im gossipping about him Fuckin wrecked..

edit: Ok apparently im no use to anyone lol! i just cant do anything right im so so so scared of my dad i was on the balcony and he tried to push me off good thing im too short jk i was thinking about jumping Lmao kill me
its a good thing its raining and cold enough to wear a sweat shirt rite? lmao

eigh im gonna try skmethifn i reckon, aorry lol.

Thanks! I'm happy that I did it. :)

oh god milo and venika and everyone who's having a shit time just hang on and milo don't listen to the dumb shit other people say to you

on another note
my academics are failing help my avg dropped by 10 marks was only raised by 6 marks or so by english but it's gonna be bad when i get my chinese history back!! and ict and i hope i did good in chem UNLIKE in bio and i s2g if i don't get an a a in history i will...be very sad.

i really hate swimming now.
even if im good (which im not).

fUCcking prodigious kouhais and fucking impudent ass sons of bitches (which are not said prodigious kouhais) who insinuate that said fucking prodigious kouhai can beat me NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. I won't fucking allow it I've been failing enough lately and my issues are getting worse and worse and fuck this I'm so fucking tired of losing im so tired of being this way and im just so fucking tired of everything okay I know im fucking weak and shit and NO I don't need anyone to be all like "you're not weak" dON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME fucking school people god damnit first of all if im so strong why do I keep fucking failing why do some people consider me strong yet why do others never recognize me when I do succeed. idc about your fucking normal-ass standards ok nobody fucking tell me that I'm not allowed to get upset and rant and say I failed so bad just because my failure was better than your success. fucking people, I don't actually give a damn about you. I just want to succeed and no im not fucking belittling you god damnit I just dONT FUCKING CARE OK like you deal with your fucking shit I deal with mine is it really so fucking wrong to care about myself more than anyone else like fuck that. "winning is everything" right? I mean "what is victory?" am I right but i'll deal with the repercussions of the "winning is everything" mindset oNCE I CAN FUCKiGN SUCCEED GOD DAMNIT. anyways back to kouhai. I mean, he's my kouhai and I love him, but FRICK THIS KID. like why. but it's less that he's stronger than me and I have a problem with him and more that im frustrated at my own issues because I feel like im too far from full potential. im frustrated with myself mostly but really kouhai like I don't need more stress rn when I have like so much issue ok but fuck whatever this helped sort of I guess dumb fucking vent shit over.

A very annoying girl!!
 

This one girl that I know is really confusing at times. Sometimes, she's really nice to me, and other times, she's bratty and acts like she's better than me!! And I'm like, wth is wrong with you?! I don't even know how to act around her anymore, and it's really annoying!!:mad::mad::mad:

Good for you! That was a brave decision and I'm glad it made you feel better. :] I hope you can be friends again.

As for people talking about you behind your back, they are jerks. There is nothing wrong with your clothes. Screw them. You should be able to wear what you want.

YOUR DAD IS A JERK AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Is there anyone you can call to get you out of this? If your dad is doing that you should not be living with him. Do you have any relatives you could talk to?

Did you just have finals? I'm sorry about your grades. :[ I hope you get an A++ in history

Why?
(unrelated) Aren't you on swim team?

I'm so sorry about that!! If you don't like hanging out with her, maybe the brattiness outweighs the niceness. But if you really want to hang out with her, maybe just tell her that you don't really like her attitude (in a nice way of course) and ask if she might be nicer?

Don't quote me please.
 

same venika

So thanks for your kind words and support guys, it really does mean a lot to me, but I don't have anyone to turn to at this point except for my half sister - my dad and an ex wife - we are pretty close but she wouldn't believe me because my dad likes to pass it off as play fighting, which it really isn't.

I was going to say I've decided something, but I really haven't. It's 8pm on a Saturday night - I should be doing something that isnt staring off a balcony's edge and typing out in proper grammar & capitals. I shouldn't be staring into a seemingly endless abyss of bushes and wondering where my previous hope has gone; and whether it will return. I certainly shouldn't be crying about things that don't matter.

I'm not going to lie, I don't know where this is going, but maybe I'll think of a point in the end.

I can't go to school like this. I've been on and off crying for the past few days, and every waking moment is spent thinking of ways to kill myself and why I should do it. Especially not in a new school. At this place, I can't be the day dreaming idiot that I am everywhere else. It's not that that is a bad thing even - it's just I'm under so much pressure from third parties at the moment that if I slip up once, who knows what will happen.

If it weren't for the fact that there are people in our living room right now, I would probably attempt, but I can't risk anything right now. Another day.

Everything is just getting worse. That sounds really emo, as mum would say, but oh god is it. I don't know who I am. I am burned out at 13! Washed up! I've peaked, without doing anything.

I would probably be posting this on tumblr if it weren't for the fact that staff of a website follow me and then they'd be sending me shit on skype, and that freaks me out so I really don't wanna do that.

One thing that has made me feel better was an increase in anons, lately. Nice anons too, concerned ones, and non-anons (lol). It's cool to think that someone cares enough to send me a few words, like you guys do. It's so kind and I couldn't thank them enough.

I think I'm probably too short to climb this railing. I'm not very flexible. Damn.

Sorry for cluttering up your thread with my BS. Thanks guys. c:

This is going to be intended for both Milo and Venika and I don't know if this helps but I want to help and I'm trying and I'm really really sorry if this doesn't help-
This isn't something that doesn't matter. Your feelings matter. YOU matter. You are NOT the problem - anyone who is making you feel like crap is the problem.
The only thing I can think is please, please, try to get through this. I'm not saying try to deny that things suck - your situation sucks. Your dad sucks. Your dad (and anyone else) SHOULD NOT BE BEATING YOU UP AND TRYING TO KILL YOU. But think about college. Think about moving out and getting away from your family. Think about when you won't have to put up with the crap that they throw at you. Think about a future without your dad and your family that will be better. Please just try to think about that and devote your thoughts to getting ready for that or possibly thinking of ways out of your situation that involve you still living so you can reach that future.

Please, guys, please try to hold on. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE PERFECT AND THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU WHO WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP.

Venika! People who do that aren't brave. Killing yourself doesn't make one brave at all! So many people have so much to live for, and so many things they haven't yet experienced. Life is a rollercoaster with ups and downs-- while some have more drops than others. Things may seem like they are going downhill and will never stop spiraling into oblivion, but there isn't a set path for you (or anybody, I'm talking about people in generalXD). Everybody has a will to change things in life, and certain dips that may be an external conflict doesn't mean your worthless or that you shouldn't continue living! You all are beautiful creatures and deserve to live life to the fulles. As much as it hurts, you should not even consider killing your precious lives! All of you are loved by somebody and will live such a successful life, but it's definitely hard to do that when you're dead. You shouldnt even consider suicide when you're feeling so depressed, because you all are worth so much-- don't think anything otherwise-- and ending your life would hurt others more than it would make you feel better, except it won't make you feel better because you're dead. I have a lot of friends right now who feel like giving up and ending their life, but whenever you're feeling depressed and feel so worthless, know that you aren't in any shape or form! Life can be cruel at points, but just hang in there everybody because you develop as a stronger person and deserve as much happiness as you want. Everybody deserves happiness and joy. Life will get better. I promise you all.

Thanks! I'm glad I did it too. :)

Thanks Lizzie (:

I might not be online for a while byt he way

okay so now giving a surprised look when a random guy out of nowhere pats your "friend"'s head is mean?

the scene:
her: *blah blah blah*
guy: *pats her head and goes away*
me: wat *weird look*
her: *really angry* that's mean
me: what? all I did was be surprised!
her: still. that's mean. *looks disapproving*
me: *shakes head and looks away*
her: *leaves*

tired and dehydrated and annoyed yayyyy

unhappy things i guess
 

is it bad that i really like how the elves look in the lotr series? i know people are all about "loving who you are" and representation of different skin/hair colors and stuff. but for some reason it's really hard for me to jump right into that. not saying i never saw my curly hair and dark eyes as beautiful, but i did see them as different. when i was little, i imagined myself as the black barbie doll because she had dark curly hair, brown eyes, and skin that obviously wasn't white, so that must be what i look like! fast forward a few years and i'm just now being told that there are many types of "tan" skin like olive and honey and so on. and straightening my hair makes me look weird, but when it curls up just a little so it's wavy like mermaid hair, sometimes i wish it would stay like that. i'm not sure where i was going with this, but it's just really weird for me to realize that being multiracial and looking the way i do is more common than i thought, but i'm still seen like a rare animal sometimes. idk.

i just really want to look like an elf sometimes, but i'm worried about it because they have blonde hair and red hair and pale skin and blue eyes which is everything i don't have. i hope this doesn't lead to any major self esteem issues. heaven knows i don't need that. maybe i'm not loving my looks enough sometimes, but i really would love to have long, silky elf hair.






i tend to bring up slightly sad things like this to cover up my true emotional struggles so i'm sorry if this seems irrelevant or unimportant (it is totally unimportant compared to suicidal thoughts and depression. stay strong, guys)

it's ok, i completely get it! like i have curly-wavy hair and dark skin and eyes and i grew up wanting blue eyes and pale skin and freckles really badly. i don't even know why i liked freckles so much. probably bc they're kinda seen as a typical white trait or something. and i feel like im usually the "exotic indian beauty" instead of an actual person sometimes, y'know? like people don't tend to look past my race when judging my appearance. like, if you're gonna say im pretty, don't bring my freaking ethnicity into it, kay? >.<

thanks, lizzie, lauren, jessica... it means a lot :)

i read through all this and i really want to help in some way possible but i know words are hard to convince people and im not too good with them as it is
so can i just say that to whoever is suffering and hurting from anything that it will get better?
im not trying to be cliche and positive. i consider myself a realist and i know life isn't all fun and games, but neither is it a black and empty void. ive been told many times by the few people who care about my existence that people with lots of hardships end up in better places in the future and are stronger in the long run. which isn't fair, i know, and sometimes the nicer future isn't worth all the pain you feel now
but think about this. we're all below 20. we have like more than a half century of lifespan left and just think. are u going to throw all those irreplaceable years away because of shit that's happening in your life now?
i understand that it might be horrible and serious and it might seem like no one cares but listen to me okay there is ALWAYS someone who cares and in your case, all the ppl who are hurting on kp, it's us ppl you've never met irl. i understand that that might not be very reassuring and having that person that you actually know makes an incredible difference and it's different but just think of that there are some people here or dare i say it MOST people on here would genuinely break and actually cry and feel sorrowful if you were to do something reckless or leave this world i mean i don't even know half of you well and i rly want you guys to be okay bc you seem like wonderful people regardless of what you think of yourselves and you deserve it
and it won't come immediately. i am not one to believe that all the sadness will go away so soon because it takes time but you have to be patient okay like i said you have more than half a century longer to live and if you could take one two or three years hell take as long as it takes and brave through it, you'd probably STILL have over half a century left and that very long part of your life will be happy and nice and i promise that waiting is worth it
i know it won't be devoid of all problems and negativity bc we're only human and shit happens but we have to get over it bc it's only temporary
and if you still honestly feel like there's no one who cares about you then wait for that too. someday, maybe not immediately but eventually, you'll find truly amazing people that you can trust and confide in and who knows? it might just have been us all along. or maybe it's someone new. either way, the world isn't completely full of assholes - just people that can change
and im not depressed or getting my dark crushing sad spells anymore (well at least for the time being) but i still constantly feel that ill never meet that special someone and no one will ever truly care - but you know what? screw what i think. because i have maybe 80 years to live and who am i to pretend i have the powers to see the future and predict doom and gloom and eternal loneliness on myself? im not a freaking godlike entity and im not entitled to feign it
this "no one will love me" frame of mind will not go away, i know, but someday, maybe when im twenty or thirty or forty or even older, someday i will find that someone. i might want them sooner than later, but life has its plans for me and im just gonna roll with it bc there's nothing i can do and no good will come out of creating hopeless prophecies for myself
yeah ill be alone. yeah no one cares. but someday that might change. till then ill keep feeling this and wait it out
and in the same way, you can wait out all your troubles. it's not easy at all. but it's fulfilling i promise <333 and im not gonna pretend that i know the results of your patience bc im pretty young myself and i am in no means wise or experienced. but this is the most logical honest explanation i can give as to why you should hang on
bad/failing grades? even if you or your family thinks that grades are life, truth is that you'll get on with life regardless, and the stress will disappear eventually and you just have to hang on
friend/romantic troubles? look ill say this with my bitter old lady persona: if it didn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. im sorry i sound cheesy but it's pretty much what got me by my first "love" mistake and you will find the right one someday and you will make better friends someday but don't sink into isolation okay just hang on
depression/suicidal thoughts? i know this is hard to acknowledge, especially if they're just words on a screen, but it will go away eventually and suicide, if you look up, is a waste of so many years of life that are yet to be lived. it might be impossible but please try to see the truth in this and hang on
also if you have family problems, either extreme or not, either given some time they will fix themselves bc family or in a few years you can move out and start a new life. just for that you have to wait and hang on
so im sure y'all got the message i incorporated very cheesily into the last few phrases: hang on. and i hope this can help and that you can see that you're not useless or a waste of space or anything you might think - the world might not look like it needs you. but maybe someday it will, and maybe someday many others will, and maybe they do right now but you can't see it. you won't know unless you wait and see
ily all and i hope you stay with me and we can all be friends it'll be okay <3333333333

@sravani: YAY FOR POSITIVITY <33333333 (also yes i am one of those people that would probably freak out completely if anyone tried to do... something to themselves)


okay.
here goes.
i've been wanting to say this for awhile and i honestly don't want to offend anyone.
this applies mostly irl so it isn't referring to you, whoever you are. i just want to see if anyone else has observed similar behavior lately. (oh gosh that came across as nerdier than intended)

people around here have sort of been romanticizing things like depression and suicidal tendencies. now, i don't think i've ever been depressed and i am so incredibly fortunate for that. i have pretty violent mood fluctuations (probably because i sometimes don't even understand my own feelings, save that for another rant) and have nearly felt like kicking the bucket, but not for prolonged periods of time. and joining marching/concert band and hopefully getting a design internship is helping even it all out.
but these people? they're the "oh lol i'm so depressed" type. no. it's not something to be flaunted, is it? because depression, put as simply as i can, is a real mental illness. and mental illness does NOT make you cute. i've consulted with my parents and others and i might have a mild form of anxiety (see also: random must-do-all-the-work episodes) and it is NOT cute. in any way. but people do the same with anxiety as well: "look at me i'm so anxious and nervous lolol." it's not something to be flaunted and worn as a badge. if you've survived it, good for you! my sincerest congratulations, and i mean it! feel free to tell everyone how you won that battle and kicked that illness in the face and recovered and came out strong once again. but if you currently are suffering, would you really treat it as a cute accessory? try replacing depression or anxiety with cancer: "yeah i'm like so disadvantaged bc i have cancer! XDXD" doesn't that sound messed up? it is.
suicidal tendencies are NOT cute. self harm scars are NOT cute. but living through it all and emerging even stronger than you were before? that's more than cute. that is awesome and powerful and you deserved it. and please ignore the douchefaces that romanticize suffering and invalidate everything you've been through and treat it as just a cute little label to introduce yourself with. your mental health does NOT define you as a person. so don't let it.

sorry if i was offending.

(EDIT: oh gosh i was looking through my old posts here and i was one of those people. screw you, little meera. you were not only an embarrassment to current meera, but you were a doucheface as well. screw you for being so melodramatic and thinking it was cute to try to kill yourself. you huge effing idiot, you.)

Meera I totally get where you're coming from and it was orobably directed at me Lmao but no I totally get what ur saying

this
i tried to reblog this and then i remembered this isn't tumblr

Me: wants to tell my parents about a few days ago
My parents: I hate u
Me: Ok..

Forreal thank u Eli ur the #best....

should i post it on tumblr as well?

ahhahaha it's at people irl and i'm so freaking sick of it
but milo you are amazing do you really think i'd direct that at you

yea!
lmao nothing is a surprise anymore.l

dont quote me Lmao..
 

I WANT TO TELL MY SISTER HOW I """" FEEL"""" BUT IM SO SCARED SHELL SUGGEST INPATIENT TOO BC SHES BEEN IN IT B4 AND ON ONE HAND YEAH iTD FUCKIN WORK PROBABLY BUT ON THE OTHER.... THAT FREAKS ME OUT A LOT...

hey Venika, i know you are going through a rough patch atm, and as hypocritical as it is oyu have to hold on for us. for the days you get your writing published, if thats what you want, when you can move out and start an awesome life of your own. believe me, i know its hard to believe, but you matter so much to us, your parents, your irl friends, everyone. i love you, we love you, we love your writing, we love your personality. please hold on for us. you are so important to so many people.

i've just had a really bad month okay and i'm doing my best to hold everything together but i'm just tired

lenaface :c (*hugs*) fb message me if you want to talk mmkay?

annoying things:

swimming
piano accompaniment
soft flutes
small violinists who pull your hair
tearing your shoulder from intentionally doing pushups
french class
guys who catcall me
losing my flute and jacket in the class where guys catcall me
nervous breakdowns
people hating themselves
people threatening suicide