Everyone fell asleep halfway through, didn't they...?

YUS. Another person's read TMBS.

Narcolepsy seems like such a fun disorder... you know, when you're not standing on the edge of a cliff enjoying the view or something.

I LOVE THAT SERIES SO DAMN MUCH. Also, the website. /gagsonepyk

Mmmmhhmmm.... /headdesk /coughcoughTheExtraordinaryEducationofNicholasBened ictcough

I haven't read the new one. DX But I want to so badly.

Constance FTW!

I tried to read the first book, but couldn't get into it. :-/

It begins slow, but it gets way better.

Gotta go. Bye!

That's a virus, my friend. Chances are it infected your computer.
Targets: horny young men.
I got one the other day, some random request on MSN and I'm like, "... ._. Whatever" and accepted it. Three seconds later, a chat window pops up with some random girl saying "hey mister ;)" and a very large picture of some random chick's genitals... ._.
I just closed it.
It's fake, and could infect your computer... you should probably scan your computer. :/

^This.
But...
YOU SAID "GENITALS"! *inner 11 year old boy LOLS*

Cool it, man, there's nothing to worry about. I'm in IB and it's painfully easy, nothing to worry about.

Sandy, I finished your video. :3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WQdCZQMMPw

You must draw another asap :O It's really helping me so far, though I just started yesterday :) I am clean of all but scabs and scars ^^

I will draw a butterfly in your honor! Now, if you kill your butterfly, MINE DIES TOO! D:
Don't do that to my butterfly.

Too late... D:

It was one of those times where I couldn't feel anything when I felt like I should be feeling something. The reason why I... not really cut, but I scrape. If ya know what I mean... Well, anyways, the reason I hurt myself is to see if I can feel pain anymore. I pinch, I scratch until I almost bleed (and last night, I did), and I revel in the fact that I can actually feel something in those days when I feel like I can't. Last night I did it all over my arms and upper body and almost to my neck and over my shoulders and back and it... yeah. It reminded me that I haven't felt pain that badly yet. And something in me wants to feel more of this pain, more self-inflicted harm just because, well, it hurts. And I want to feel the hurt and I'm not sure why. There's probably some psychologist shit on this but I don't feel like looking it up. And I really, I really don't know. I need to find a red pen and make a huge tree wrapping around my entire body if I want to undo and stop this. But my parents would freak and my mom's already telling me to stop drawing my tiny tree on my hand, because, ono, INK POISONING. As if that's what's on my mind when I'm thinking about pain. But parents don't get it because parents never will, I suppose. I just want my tree back, that's all. /sigh

Me: I want to learn Swedish.
My Dad: ....How useful is that?
Me: I don't know, but I like it.
Dad: Learn Chinese.
Me: Why?
Dad: China will be a world power.
-_-
I want to be trilingual (I already speak English and am learning Spanish), but my dad doesn't want me to learn a language that won't be "useful".
._.
I'd like to learn Swedish (thank Pewdiepie) or Korean (Thank K-pop)

I am descended from Count Carl Bjorkman of Sweden, not that I know any Swedish.

JUST DRAW THE DAMN TREE AND IGNORE YOUR PARENTS.
Sorry, I just really don't want anyone to self-harm.
You need to tell someone. Someone other than us. A teacher, a trustworthy friend, an aunt, an uncle, a parent....

Swedes are awesome.

Draw it on your back. Your upper thigh. Your armpit. Whatever. In a place where your mom won't look. And FYI, Heather's Mom, you'd need to inject like ten pen's worth of ink to get ink poisoning.
You know what else helps? Cut your hair. Cut the tiniest fraction of a milimeter of your hair off the end. No one will notice. You'll have the pleasure of using scissors, SHARP SCISSORS, to cut through a part of yourself without actually causing harm.
Or something.
Anything.
You're a human. You're fragile. Take care of yourself. Please.

I can't very well draw on my back... xD Yeah. Okay. I will, I'll try.
Yeah. I don't want anyone to do self-harm either. /hahahaha /irony /lookwhothisiscomingfrom
Hey. I've already done the 'trustworthy friend' thing. In my eyes, alla y'all are pretty damn trustworthy--at least, if you care, you are. And I can't, can not, can NOT tell an adult. Don't even try to make me tell an adult. I'm not going to, not because I don't trust any adults, but because I trust that they're going to send me off to a self-help psycho, and I don't need any more chaos in my life.

:( I feel like anything I say will by hypocritical . . . because I feel the same way. I don't want to feel like it, but I can't not feel like it.

Well, you may need a therapist. Stop being too proud to go to one, if you are. Lots of people go to therapists.

It's not that simple o_o First you have to ask your parents if they can sign you up, and that in itself is horrifying.

I'm not too proud to go to a therapist. In fact, I don't have much pride to begin with... I don't want to go to a therapist because a) I don't feel like it's that extreme, seeing as I've done it a total of twice, b) I don't know if my family can afford it and I don't want to clog my parents' bank accounts and schedules any more than I already do, c) wasting my time in an office where some guy sits around listening to me talk and then giving me emotional prescriptions=not my idea of fun, d) I don't want to talk about this to someone I don't know, e) I think it might stop soon, f) I don't really care. Those are my reasons. I shalt stick by them.

You don't have to read this. Maybe you left after you read that sentence. Jeezus. I just freaking stopped hyperventilating. What DOESN'T she expect me to do, cut myself with my swiss army knife. They don't understand just how angry I am. They don't understand, that right now, when my hands are quivering, my brain is moving at hyperspeed, and they don't understand that right now I am capable of anything. Nobody seems to notice anymore, when I'm sad, it just seems like people actually ignore me, even if they can see through me, they just ignore me. Because who need Sophia? Not school. Not like I'll make a difference in the world. Sure someone might miss me, but hey, I'll still be gone. I don't know. Maybe I just give up. does it really matter? Does anyone really care anymore? Maybe I only stay for my friends for life and my family. Maybe M and K would miss me. But who knows. Not me. Who needs me? Does ANYONE? I hate this. I hate it. I wish this self pity would go screw itself , then strangle itself and die in a hole. But it won't. Why not? Because I'm fueling it, and the only way I can do it is to hit myself, to bruise my legs and then wear jeans when it's seventy degrees outside, to put on a false smile in the morning to hide the bags under my eyes after I cry to sleep, to try and love my brothers as best as I can without feeling jealous. Why? Aren't I worthy enough the pay attention to? Sometimes at recess I wish I were like my friends, who can take an insult, or simply ignore me and turn away, making me feel childish. I wish I was like them, not so puppy-like and dependent on their energy. I'm a freaking leech, I sponge off peoples attentions. I need attention, and I feel so neglected. You read all that depression recovery, it doesn't help. I just think how lucky they are. That's so low, lower than low, my all time low, lower than the lowest of the low. Because when they recovered, they had some cases like I did, neglected, unhappy, and selfishness crossed with trying to be selfless. What do I need to do to attract attention, be cool, aloof, and not me? Flip over backwards? Am I just a comedian, someone who tags around like a lost puppy, and occasionally amuses my owners? Do I matter? You didn't have to read this, and I'm almost positive that my life could continue like this. But do I matter? All I want to know.

*Hugs and support for everyone* Dx

@Sophie: I don't know you as well as some other KPers, but I still know you're epik. You do matter. :/

Hey, hey, calm down. There are times like these when you're incredibly angry at everyone, at yourself, and what I've learned is to just sit down, catch your breath, and scream into a pillow. Or draw a butterfly on your arm. (Look up the butterfly project. I guess I'm spreading the word ^^)
To attract attention just be yourself :) That's the best thing you can do ~hugz~ Hang in there.

Aww. :( I'm sorry. Do you need to talk?

Thank you.


Okay, I apologize in advance for my angry rant now.

begin: Oh yeah, that's what they all say, I've already tried screaming into pillows, I do it every night, and soon I'll be graduating to wearing long sleeves because of bruises. Who's going to ask why? Nobody. I'm trying so hard, but the pressure just sits on me, and I'm drowning.

No need to apologize.
:( Well, I really hope you feel better soon. Sorry I'm not of much help. :')

I really can't help. I'm good one on one verbally, trust me, but I feel like I'll bumble my words if I try to tell anyone anything. So, here's a picture.
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr4dfciHJD1qh8tqf.gif
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ls...p15uo1_400.gif

Hey. Hey. Hey, Sophia. "Maybe M and K would miss me." EXCUZE MOI? WHAT IS THIS S___??? Soph, listen to me. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. Okay? This is exactly how I felt for pretty much all of summer vacation when it was about halfway gone and circus camp was only a meager distraction when none of my REAL friends were there anyways, till the Big Show. I was just some random stupid attention-grabbing leech and I didn't feel like I mattered AT ALL. And that theory a couple million pages back I posted on here, about the universe just going on its daily f---ing business and nothing really mattering? That's what helped me become non-depressed, that feeling of not mattering and that nothing would matter in the end. But I talked to M today at break (well, you know that) and I think I've semi-figured it out. It's not that we don't matter. It's that we want to matter but don't realize it's the people we're around who really help us matter. Okay. I'm probably not making sense. I dunno. That's not even half of the problem, but you're gonna keep reading this because... /failstothinkofareasonthatdoesnothavetodowithChrisC olfer Um. Because you ARE. Jyes. Good. Continue on and stop rambling, Heather. Right. Soph, we all feel like this at one time or another, okay? Just like a stupid effing leech that's attaching herself to any source of attention she can find, dragging it all out and wasting it on herself until her source is gone and she goes along to find another. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. But you don't have to leech. It's saying something about your friends, really, that you're feeling this way, not about you, and to be honest, it's kinda guilting me, but that's okay because now I can totally see I deserve the guilt. DO NOT OPPOSE ME ON THIS ONE. Seriously. What kind of friends are we, am I to just have confidential conversations with practically all of my friends but one? No. That's not fair to you, Sophie. I'm not being fair. I know that I have all these things and stuff about circus with M and M, and Chris Colfer with K, and nine years of friendship and killing each other with E, and it's just that way. But I could've been better and branched out more to you, so I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm a s----y friend to an amazing, beautiful person who does not deserve my s--- friendship. So... like I said, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better. I don't want you to feel like a leech, don't want anyone to feel like a leech, and I haven't been blocking you out on purpose, I swear. It's like... I need another chance, or something. Because if you're feeling like this, then, s---, that's totally my fault. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'msorryi'msorryimsorry, Sophie. I'm going to try to be better, okay? And y'know what? There's always Rudford.





....(no that ending did not make sense but I wanted to end on something happy so like yah.)

First: That M isn't who I mean.

Second: It's not the universe that I want to notice me, it's you, and ANYONE. All I ever wanted is attention, and all I ever get is nothing. God I sound like a undeserving brat, but you- you're so- you just turn away, flip your hair, and act like nothing happened. This is how I feel ALL THE TIME. Like a lost puppy, trying to fit in. That's all. That- what you aid about yourself- it isn't true. You branched out to me, you were so kind to me, and you deserve to be more appreciated than most people I know. So, it isn't you. It isn't. It's everything else, turning around, ignoring, and I just want scream at their backs: I'm here too! Look at me! I can exist!
But it isn't that people don't pay attention to me even. It focuses on the pure fact that I need friendship, attention, and that even when my friends have to go talk about something privately, I feel this pain, because I'm not there. And I hate that pain, because it's their business, but I hate to admit it o myself. you are an awesome person, don't say you don't deserve friendship, because you do. Don't admit we have things to worry about, because y'know, we're in denile.



(Okay that last part didn't make sense, but y'know, you ended with an reference, so....)

I'm tired of being brought down. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. My emotions are killing me from the inside out and I can't stop them. >_< I can't take it any more. Are you really my friend?

AKShflsjdhfljadhihklfjs

I'm upset and angry. Mostly disappointed though.

I'm very scared this week. I spent over an hour crying in utter fear today, about things from always having to catch up in Earth Science to the possibility of getting shin splints.
*shrug* Hormones.

I don't know why, but it makes me laugh, actually.
I most probably failed the quiz on Directed Numbers, my new mathematical enemy.

Eh, I can relate...I just BARELY caught up in Spanish. x_x And I'm still dealing with a B- (just a breath away from a C+ sbdfgjbfdgjkfdbgkjfdbg) in Algebra...oh, Algebra... ;w;

Just because I feel like ranting through GIFs. (Which is surprisingly therapeutic, by the way. 0_0)

So, today, I woke up and was like this. Right down to the unbrushed hair and Dortios--it was like I randomly bought the bag three days ago because my subconscious KNEW I'd use this GIF:
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb...0fpao1_500.gif


So I begrudgingly do 4 Spanish lessons and 2 Math lessons. By 5:00 P.M., I still feel horrible for no apparent reason.
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb...n3jeo1_500.gif


...And then I call my friend. O_O And I turn into this:
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6p8fh5vti1r0q5vc.gif


Aaaaaaand now I'm back to feeling like the first two GIFs. I'm horribly horribly sad and groggy and lonesome and I don't know why. And in the last hour, I've gone from angry to sad to sadder to happy to sad to amused to angry to happy back to sad and dlsngfjbsfljgnlkfsngflkngslkng...
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbhvmslg221ruqdo9.gif

Yup. o_o *flies away, not expecting anyone to reply to this. at all. seriously, do what ya'll want. i don't care.*