The Writer's Block

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HeatherB 11-08-2012 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMoonWakedWolf (Post 360989)
I kind of hate my parents sometimes.
I finally admit that I feel much better talking to people on the Internet than I do to them about everything; that most all of my problems are shared to friends I haven't even seen in real life because they're the ones that help me the most.
I tell him this and the only thing he says is, "That's a problem. You're obsessed with the computer; going on and writing and chatting with complete strangers you don't even know. No computer until you've got your grades straightened out."
And then he walks away and yells at me to not lock my door because "we don't do that in this household".
Sometimes I wonder if he just cares about having a smart daughter that's socially acceptable and does everything he says than having a daughter that is happy.

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp...kxoqo1_500.gif
I know exactly how that is, hon, exactly. It's pretty much what my parents tell ME all the time, rephrased. (Including the locking doors thing, believe it or not. "Please don't lock your door, it makes me feel sad." Mmm-hmm. And I'm not locking my door BECAUSE I feel sad, no? Of COURSE not--it COULDN'T be. /sigh)

BlueMi 11-08-2012 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 361000)
Oh my fucking god. You guys, I'm ranting. /woot


...okay. I walk out of Morning Meeting. I want to get to class. I'm in a hurry because I don't want to sit next to *creeper* boys, I want to be with my friends. Teacher A (henceforth referred to as 'A') comes up with attendance sheet in hand, asks me if I'll take it to the office. I decline because I'm in a hurry...as I mentioned before. Also, it's not for my advisory, and kids are all around us. A should have no trouble getting other students to take it. I set off for class when I am stopped by Teacher B (henceforth referred to as 'B'). B has apparently witnessed the at least ending of what has just occurred, meaning my declination, and is mad at me. Whoop-dee-doo. I try to defend myself, but B's having none of it, even though now I really WILL be late for class and I hope to god the last spot's not near a creeper boy. He started lecturing me and at one point says, "I know you can do better. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and you've walked away. Do you know what I'm talking about?" My reaction to that on the outside is *small, pitiful nod.* My reaction on the inside: "Dafuqqqqqqq?????" Because, um, actually, it's just a small thing and he doesn't have to make such a big deal of it, saying it was rude of me and I'm "so kind NORMALLY" blah blah shit. And it IS the first time he's taken me aside like this, acting all bitchy because I wouldn't do a small favor for someone. I was trying to tell him that I needed to get to class and that was why, but he misunderstood and said "No. Right now you're here talking with me." And internally I was all "facepalm" but on the outside I was just: ....uh-huh. Yep. Whatever you say. And so this goes on for far too long and finally, FINALLY, after several escape attempts because I really effing need to get to class, he lets me go with a "now, I would like you to keep this exchange confidential--between you and me" and a raise of the eyebrows. As if that's supposed to mean something, me keeping a motherfucking secret for him. Whatever. So I don't actually agree to anything, but I give him the impression like "yeah, uh-huh, yep, whatever you say" which was basically my entire generic response to the conversation. Then I get to class and start my internal fuming. Why me? Why today? Why the fuck can't he just let me get to class? Why was he making such a big motherfucking deal out of it? What's wrong with him today? And most importantly, WHAT. THE. FUCK. Because that was just... no. That should not have happened. He's making a mountain out of a molehill and then backing himself up by saying "this has happened before." Before? BEFORE? Are you fucking kidding me? Don't you think I'd remember if he'd taken me aside and shaken his metaphorical fist in my face and basically lectured me on the fucking importance of BEING KIND? Yeah, I think I'd remember that. But noooo, nothing comes to mind when I do a brain search--"B taking me aside to lecture, bringing up several disgustingly inaccurate points and ultimately making me moody for the rest of the day, as well as late for class." Because that's what happened. And it shouldn't make me so mad. But it does. I've known for the past couple of days now, been realizing it actually, that I am completely and totally emotionally unstable. I can't cope with fucking ANYTHING--be it a complaint from a parent, just thrown around as a side remark but it bounces around in my head all day, begging attention and thought and oh no, what if it really is true? What if I'm not capable of taking initiative at all?, or be it a little scoff from a popular girl, "that's stupid," it shouldn't make me want to cry, should it? I don't ever give fucks for popular people--why should I start now? So basically, yeah, my emotions are a mess. And so there and then at school in the middle of class, I decide something: I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to shed tears over something as fucking trivial as false accusations and lectures that only make me late for class. I'm just fucking NOT. And I don't. And I haven't yet today. And I don't think I ever will, because I'm not even crying while writing this, and that is a motherfucking huge accomplishment for someone as fragile as I am when it comes to feelings. I can pretend all I want, but really I'm a train barreling down a track at breakneck speed towards another train, emotions, coming at an equally ferocious rate, and it's not the collision itself--it's the second before, when I can see the train coming, closer, closer, I know it's going to hit, closer, and the worst part is--I can't do anything about it. I'm NOT IN CONTROL. And I wasn't in control for the past couple of days. My mom would make an offhand remark, I would curse her out so bad she'd ground me till my dying day under my breath and look out the window determinedly but still the tears would come, hot and prickling over my eyelids, and I've never felt so pathetic as I have in the last few days, when I'm a ball of yarn and something's unraveling me but I'm all knots inside so the unraveling, instead of lifting burdens and being relaxing, is loosening the outside and tightening the inside and I'm afraid because I'm going to break at any second. Today, for once, I managed to get a hand on the brake of my train. I slowed the collision for one more second. For just one day, I was in control.
But tomorrow. Tomorrow it's not going to be like that. Tomorrow, I'm afraid, I'm so afraid, because tomorrow is the train wreck. I'm going to crash and I want to die and I want to kill myself before the crash because at least I would be in control for ONE MORE SECOND but I can't kill myself because that's stupid, selfish, bigoted, and who says I'm not deserving of pain? I'm deserving of whatever's coming tomorrow. I'm deserving of the pain that it's going to bring me. I'm going to go through my crash and come out crippled and I am not going to fight back. I wish I could. But the only way I can think of fighting is killing myself, because then I won't feel anything at all, I'd truly win, would I not? And yet, and yet. I can't kill myself. Firstly I have nothing to do it with. Secondly I could never follow through (bitchy coward I am). Thirdly I must think of the others, not so selfishly of myself, of the others who need me and who look up to me--not that anyone does, but I'd like to THINK that someone does, it's going to keep me going, it's keeping me going. I am not happy. I am not sad. I feel nothing but angry and that pains me. I want to laugh and cry and hope again and I don't know how and most of all I want HELP. I'm tired of my voice being ignored and drowning in my unseen and unheard crashing emotions. I'm so tired of everything and I really do want to die sometimes, I swear it. But I've already listed why that mustn't happen, yesterday night I was listing people I love so that I could feel something else that wasn't so dreary and moody and angry and crashing and ferocious: gratitude. I am so, so lucky, and I won't ever forget that. But right now I need more than luck. I need help. I don't want to hear how amazing and strong I am--I don't care about that. I want to hear others' stories: I want to help. Because helping others helps me, and that rings true even this morning with the episode of A and B, and I didn't help so I wasn't helped and I got real bitchy but I made this post and this is my plea for help: tell me what's wrong. I want to not destroy and de-story, de-structure, demise. I want to build and fix and learn and HELP. I think it's one of the only ways I can fix myself, too.

Other people's stories?
I swear to god, heather, when i had no clue you were going to post this rant, after school today, i started a list called 101 reasons. A shitload of stories there.
Coincedence? I think not.

HeatherB 11-08-2012 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 361003)
Other people's stories?
I swear to god, heather, when i had no clue you were going to post this rant, after school today, i started a list called 101 reasons. A shitload of stories there.
Coincedence? I think not.

That's fucking crazy, man. *Bryce voice* CRAY-CRAY! TOTES MAGOTES! xD

BlueMi 11-08-2012 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 361004)
That's fucking crazy, man. *Bryce voice* CRAY-CRAY! TOTES MAGOTES! xD

I only have 6 reasons, though.
I should work on so maybe i can let you read it
But first
Homework.
GODDAMN TEACHERS
GIVIN ME HW
WHEN I COULD BE DOING SOMETHIN TO CLEANSE MY SOUL
WHY YOU DO DAT.

soph-soph27 11-08-2012 08:25 PM

Heather, since you said you don't want to hear any compliments, or you want to hear others pain, look. Ha. I sound pathetic, like a ghost of christmas pasts or something. I don't know. Fine. I need to spew. My pain is overwhelming. I see NOTHING anymore. Nothing matters anymore, and my parents lie so much that I can't even distinguish if they EVER tell the truth anymore. Like, for instance, today, and my mom kept saying don't say you didn't do anything, because you did, i saw you. And I'm like, no I fucking didn't you have no right to fucking ground me, and so of course I get fucking grounded for a week or so. So WHAT. I don't care anymore, I can't do ANYTHING anymore, I'm dead to myself, there is no Sophie, Sophia, or anyone else anymore, there isn't me, there's just this girl who seems to be having a helluva lotta conflicted feeling and no, I don't think she knows how to solve any of the damn problems. So when I pour myself out, I hear this empty, hollow noise and so I laugh, because so many of the smiles are false, so much is made up, who's to say that the science and math is wrong, and we're all just stupid paws on a chessboard, waiting to taken? Oh and is life so precious? Is it? I wait, and I sit, and I just don't understand, how life can be so precious, when depression exists, and why is there depression in the first damn place? I'm not recognizing anyone, anything, anything that happens anymore, so I'm an empty bag and I'm just not here anymore, and I don't recognize myself, which is terrifying, if for some obscenely strange reason you were wondering why the fuck I'm even posting that comment. So I don't feel anything,s o what, everything is crushing down on, heavier than that goddamn twenty-pound backpack that I carry around with myself when I'm at school, pretending.

I can't cry.

HeatherB 11-08-2012 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 361011)
I only have 6 reasons, though.
I should work on so maybe i can let you read it
But first
Homework.
GODDAMN TEACHERS
GIVIN ME HW
WHEN I COULD BE DOING SOMETHIN TO CLEANSE MY SOUL
WHY YOU DO DAT.

"When I could be doing somethin to cleanse my soul." xDD ...I'm sorry, it's not that funny, it just reminds me of being at church.
I finished my math like forty minutes ago. 36 is motherfucking awful. It's like two questions in one and then I have to write the two entire goddamn proofs. D: (Um, at least, I THINK it's 36 that required that. IDK. xP)

Cherrybomb 11-08-2012 08:43 PM

You scream and shout and ignore mom. You just yell and yell and yell and cover her words and storm to your room and talk about how a 1 hour break isn't enough and how a stupid history lesson is too hard and how mom is giving you too much work and JUST SHUT UP. Just STOP. Please, please, please just STOP. Don't you ever think about mom? Don't you see how hard she's trying for YOU AND YOUR FUTURE? You just refuse to try. You take it further every day, until she cracks and says she can't do it anymore. She can't try. You know what she said, bro? "Other moms are strong and keep on going. I'm not strong enough." I don't want to have a mom that worries about herself, worries that she isn't a good parent, because she IS, even if you don't think so. Even if you treat her horribly when she tries to help. But she comes back for YOU, for US, and tries. SHE TRIES. And you just have to keep on BREAKING her and keep on treating her feelings like dirt. Look, I'm scared, okay? I'm scared for mom and I feel bad and look back at how much happier she used to be, how much more free time she had to do things she loved. Which she spends the WHOLE DAY on you and you don't even care. Just throw it away. Please. Just respect mom for once. Just give her a good day for once.
I'll probably regret this later, but I have to get this out. :^l

HeatherB 11-08-2012 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherrybomb (Post 361029)
You scream and shout and ignore mom. You just yell and yell and yell and cover her words and storm to your room and talk about how a 1 hour break isn't enough and how a stupid history lesson is too hard and how mom is giving you too much work and JUST SHUT UP. Just STOP. Please, please, please just STOP. Don't you ever think about mom? Don't you see how hard she's trying for YOU AND YOUR FUTURE? You just refuse to try. You take it further every day, until she cracks and says she can't do it anymore. She can't try. You know what she said, bro? "Other moms are strong and keep on going. I'm not strong enough." I don't want to have a mom that worries about herself, worries that she isn't a good parent, because she IS, even if you don't think so. Even if you treat her horribly when she tries to help. But she comes back for YOU, for US, and tries. SHE TRIES. And you just have to keep on BREAKING her and keep on treating her feelings like dirt. Look, I'm scared, okay? I'm scared for mom and I feel bad and look back at how much happier she used to be, how much more free time she had to do things she loved. Which she spends the WHOLE DAY on you and you don't even care. Just throw it away. Please. Just respect mom for once. Just give her a good day for once.
I'll probably regret this later, but I have to get this out. :^l

That's sad... :c Perchance you should educate this person (brother, isn't he?) on all the pros of your awesome mother. If not now, then when he is more matured and ready to understand how freaking great she is. /nods

Cherrybomb 11-08-2012 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 361031)
That's sad... :c Perchance you should educate this person (brother, isn't he?) on all the pros of your awesome mother. If not now, then when he is more matured and ready to understand how freaking great she is. /nods

Knowing me, I'd probably make a powerpoint about it. XD Thanks. :)

HeatherB 11-08-2012 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherrybomb (Post 361050)
Knowing me, I'd probably make a powerpoint about it. XD Thanks. :)

Niiice. xD And anytime. :3


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