Please ignore this. I just need to get this out.

happy shell happy shell happy shell dammit stop slipping bad things happen when it falls they dont need to worry happy shell happy shellllllll

*hugs and hands you actual happie*

I am not going to do this in small white text, because I don't care that much.

I hate myself.

I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, or nice enough, or talented or funny enough for anybody, least of all myself.

Most people dislike me.

See, the problem is I would dislike me too in their places.

I hate the way I manage to fuck up everything on my part when others rely on me.

I hate the way I am over-confident and then fail.

I hate the way I'm not confident enough and I regret it.

I hate the way I interact with people.

I hate the way I don't interact with people.

I hate the way I talk.

I hate how much I talk.

I hate how little I talk.

I hate how I look like a four-year-old

I hate how I sound like a four-year-old

I hate how I act like a four-year-old when I don't get my way

I hate how nice I am to people when I should hit them

I hate how I hit people who I should be nice too

I hate how I pretend to be someone I'm not

I hate it when I expose my real side to people

I hate that I eat

I hate that I hate that I eat

I hate self-harming myself

I hate how much I cry

I hate how much I bottle up.

I hate how weak I am.





I want to be stronger and wiser and better, but I honestly don't have the strength or courage anymore. And if I did, I would have other things to worry about.

sorry for this rant.

don't apologise, that's what this thread is for. *hugs*
duuuude you seem really smart for your age. You are pretty. And you're nice enough, funny enough, and talented enough for us on KP.
We don't dislike you.
*hugs* You shouldn't hate awesomeness

You aren't weak. And if you think you are, you can get stronger.

I know the pain. I may not self-harm or not like eating, but I know how hard it is to be different. Take comfort in there are people like you. You simply haven't met them.

Writing helps soothe me. Just random stories. They need not be good.

*hugs* I believe in you, Esther.

I'm not really awesome, seriously. You guys are amazing, and probably the only people who think that.


Thank you. *hugs back*.

the guys at my school make jokes about rape, sex, depression, cutting, bullying, suicide, etc. and then they call me violent when i threaten to slap them.

also i know i haven't vented on here for a long time but i just needed to get this out:
it's everywhere. it's everywhere. it's from my family and my friends and myself and it's never going to go away. the worst part is, do i even want it to? do i actually want to live a natural, unburdened life--is there such thing? the answer is no to both. i don't want to be beautiful and smart and perfect and everything that i've been called my entire fucking life. i don't want that. i want to be allowed to have flaws. one of these days i'm just going to snap, to break, and you know what? i can't wait for that stupid motherfucking day. because then people will see me for me. they're not going to see my 'beauty' or read my 'brilliant writing' or congratulate me on my 'perfect grades.' they're going to look at me like i'm a fucking crazy monster, and that's fine with me. i want to be seen like that. i know it's selfish. i know it's bitchy as fuck. i know, and i don't fucking care. maybe i'm not depressed, just stressed, but still. but still. what if it was more? what if i got pushed over the edge? what if i want that to happen? i can see it happening when my dad yells at me when my mom consoles me when my therapist waits for me to speak but i never do and i never will. it's all pent up fucking energy racing around inside me and some day it's gonna be released and that will be the greatest fucking day of my life. don't tell me i'm pretty or amazing or even all right. i'm not all right. i'm not. i'm fucking crazy. or maybe i just want to be. it doesn't matter. i'm going to go insane eventually and i don't give a flying fuck about it. i want to be seen not as the sweet innocent little girl who does everything right who looks gentle and gets writing awards and is so, so predictable in her perfection. i don't want that. i want to be wild and unpredictable and i want to get the fuck out of here and i want to be free, finally free, from everything that everyone's ever thought of me or stereotyped me as. i don't want a fucking label on my forehead. i don't want to hear the motherfucking labels. i just want to feel like myself and find myself and be myself and be okay again.

My alleged best friend makes jokes like that all the time. And whenever I try to open up and be honest about my problems, she dismisses it, condescends me, or just calls me weird.

I know what you mean. I just want to escape. But breaking down and letting it all out isn't usually a good feeling, not in my experience. That's terrible advice, and everyone else tells me that I shouldn't bottle things up, but when I end up making a scene, or I'm belittled when I try and calmly tell people about "what's wrong". Don't let anyone force you into talking about your issues, unless you completely and utterly trust them. You could open up to me or Isaac or any other online friend, but you don't have to talk to someone about it, even though your therapist makes you. Just don't take anyone's shit, okay?

Don't be sorry.
What happened to the old Esther? I miss her a lot. I want your to be happy again.