The Writer's Block

The Writer's Block (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/index.php)
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-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

Sandy 07-22-2013 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 482661)
Iím scared. Scared about the coming school year. Last year almost killed me. It can only get worse, and Iím scared. Scared that someone will find out about me. Realize that the combination of sleep lost from countless hours spent staring at the ceiling through blurred tears and struggling with assignments that I feel too stupid to do and the stress from all the horrible cutting words people throw at me like they think I donít give a shit, but I do, and all the insecurity I feel; being not smart enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, not clever enough, not good enough of a friend, not good enough of a daughterórealize that the combination of everything life gives me leads to depression and staring, fists clenched, at a medicine cabinet. And the hallucinations. When the strange kind of digital tinge nearly faded and I confused reality with the horrors only my mind produced, when I would flee to the bathrooms to crouch with my hands over my ears trying to focus on something good so that the laughter would fade away, and I didnít know what was real and what wasnít, and I was scared to know. The simplest things can make or break me. I hate how ignorant people are, how Iím too scared to thank them for the tiny things they did. The girl who gave me a hug and told me that I was awesome, the friend that spent an afternoon on the bus laughing with me, the boy who predicted I would win the math competitions and high fived me when I did.
Theyíll never know they saved my life. They donít know what does.
The music. The Ďweird goth stuffĒóthe genre they stuff MCR, Evanescence, Jars of Clay, Faith and the Muse, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Sisters of Mercy, Emilie Autumn, Thrice, and all the others that helped me through it. They donít know that the song I grin stupidly when it comes on the radio is the song that I spent lying awake crying to because it gave me a little bit of hope. And even the friends that say, ďThis is actually kind of catchyĒ, when they listen to it, just pretend they think itís stupid to go along with everyone else.
My writing. What they assume to be a weird hobby is what Iíve built my life into. What I spend my days thinking about and my nights dreaming about. Characters and people who I can flood emotion into and somehow express my own. ĎYou think youíre soooo good, donít you, Esther.í Yes. Yes, I am brilliant. I am a fucking genius, and I can write, and if anyone talks about my writing I want to tell them to shut the fuck up because I donít want to deal with that shit.
Kidpub.
I donít explain much about it. My friends are a little critical of it, but they donít know much.
But let me ask them this.
Who told me I could do it when the rest of you told me to give up because I was probably hopeless and a piece of shit anyway? Not you.
Who told me that I was awesome and fabulous and meant a lot to them when the rest of you just shunned me because they didnít feel like talking to the weird kid? Not you.
Who spent hours with me helping me and talking with me through everything I needed help with and giving the emotional support I was so starved for? Not you.
Who gave me the gift of a band that told me that the world was ugly but I was beautiful, when you made fun of what I listened to and went on to listen to your shallow, meaningless catchy tunes? Not you.
Who saved my life when you had degraded me down to almost nothing? Not you.
At the end of it all, Iím just scared of the world and scared of myself. I hate both of them a whole lot, too.

Stay strong, AA. Don't think about how much worse it's going to get. I think I know your frame of mine right now and I remember you helped me when I was in it and now I'm going to try and help you, because even just by replying to those couple of vents, you helped me believe that I was not alone, nor was I insane, and that calmed me down more than I can express.
So... please don't think about how much worse it may or may not get. At some points, it will get worse, but at others it will get better. I may not know you as well as I know other KPers but I know that if you have the strength to make it this far, you have the strength to keep going.
I know you may feel like you're the only one who's scared but you're not. Even if no one else knows the fear, I know that I do. It keeps me from leaving the house sometimes. It keeps me from speaking to the people I see every day in the same house as me, and already my paranoia has more or less broken almost all of my trust for them, and for everyone.
I know for sure that I'll never be able to thank my teacher for the way she broke my suicidal thoughts for several months by actually caring that a former student had taken his own life. And I know I'll never be able to meet you and thank you for how much you calmed me down that one time when I was scared and irrational from my hallucinations. And I know too that the hopes for my future--the very ones that renew my hope for my own pretty much useless, futile life in a cesspool of piss and mediocrity--may never come true. I would be lying if I said that I'm not scared of anything because I am literally terrified of everything around me at all times.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I guess I just want to say that you're not alone, and that you're completely correct in saying you're a genius. Please don't let anything--not their words, not the hallucinations, not the idiots of society--drag you down or convince you otherwise.

AlgebraAddict 07-22-2013 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 482751)
Stay strong, AA. Don't think about how much worse it's going to get. I think I know your frame of mine right now and I remember you helped me when I was in it and now I'm going to try and help you, because even just by replying to those couple of vents, you helped me believe that I was not alone, nor was I insane, and that calmed me down more than I can express.
So... please don't think about how much worse it may or may not get. At some points, it will get worse, but at others it will get better. I may not know you as well as I know other KPers but I know that if you have the strength to make it this far, you have the strength to keep going.
I know you may feel like you're the only one who's scared but you're not. Even if no one else knows the fear, I know that I do. It keeps me from leaving the house sometimes. It keeps me from speaking to the people I see every day in the same house as me, and already my paranoia has more or less broken almost all of my trust for them, and for everyone.
I know for sure that I'll never be able to thank my teacher for the way she broke my suicidal thoughts for several months by actually caring that a former student had taken his own life. And I know I'll never be able to meet you and thank you for how much you calmed me down that one time when I was scared and irrational from my hallucinations. And I know too that the hopes for my future--the very ones that renew my hope for my own pretty much useless, futile life in a cesspool of piss and mediocrity--may never come true. I would be lying if I said that I'm not scared of anything because I am literally terrified of everything around me at all times.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I guess I just want to say that you're not alone, and that you're completely correct in saying you're a genius. Please don't let anything--not their words, not the hallucinations, not the idiots of society--drag you down or convince you otherwise.


wow


Thank you... so much. this really helped me, Sandy, and I know its sounds cheesy, but you're amazing and I am so grateful for you and your help.

smartgal00 07-22-2013 07:40 PM

don't reply. I just needed to get this off my chest.
 
What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry that I don't have a life? That I'm sorry that I enjoy being on the computer, I don't have means of communication outside of the internet, and that I am a fangirl?! I don't care. Okay?! WHY THE HELL DOES IT MATTER SO GOD DAMN MUCH?! I'm a teenager, okay?! I don't have a social life, I am fine with how I am, so can you please just lay off of me. You two constantly say, "We love you just the way you are.", "I'm so proud to call you my daughter." and yet you want me to change?! And you get mad at me for being on the internet, KidPub, Twitter, WattPad, FaceBook, just because it's not good for me?! Here, on KP, is the only place where I can vent, and know that you won't see it, because you think it's such a good idea to see everything about me. KP is the only place for me, because you don't know about this forum, or what I post, or anything significant. Why must you be in control of my life? I think this image represents everything i feel.

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...65030974_n.jpg

AlgebraAddict 07-22-2013 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smartgal00 (Post 482756)
What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry that I don't have a life? That I'm sorry that I enjoy being on the computer, I don't have means of communication outside of the internet, and that I am a fangirl?! I don't care. Okay?! WHY THE HELL DOES IT MATTER SO GOD DAMN MUCH?! I'm a teenager, okay?! I don't have a social life, I am fine with how I am, so can you please just lay off of me. You two constantly say, "We love you just the way you are.", "I'm so proud to call you my daughter." and yet you want me to change?! And you get mad at me for being on the internet, KidPub, Twitter, WattPad, FaceBook, just because it's not good for me?! Here, on KP, is the only place where I can vent, and know that you won't see it, because you think it's such a good idea to see everything about me. KP is the only place for me, because you don't know about this forum, or what I post, or anything significant. Why must you be in control of my life? I think this image represents everything i feel.

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...65030974_n.jpg


oh my god *high five* I haven't gotten to my evil teenage years yet, but I'm sure I'll be just like that. :D

smartgal00 07-22-2013 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 482758)
oh my god *high five* I haven't gotten to my evil teenage years yet, but I'm sure I'll be just like that. :D

I wouldn't consider it evil, but I could see you being like that Esther

HeatherB 07-22-2013 09:30 PM

i can't talk to people and people don't want to talk to me it should work out it shouldn't hurt like this but whatever

Stephiey 07-22-2013 09:33 PM

Frustrated RAWWWR
 
Literally on the last couple paragraphs of the book I've been working on for 3 years... and I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO END IT SOMEONE PLEASE PLEASE HELP??????

smartgal00 07-22-2013 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stephiey (Post 482768)
Literally on the last couple paragraphs of the book I've been working on for 3 years... and I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO END IT SOMEONE PLEASE PLEASE HELP??????

And they lived happily ever after, to the end of their days... ~Bilbo Baggins

LaurenM 07-22-2013 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 482718)
I probably said the most honest things ever tonight/this morning considering it's midnight right now. All in hate.
It's so obvious. It's her pride. And my dad's pride. And my pride, obviously, but hey only ever focus on that. I just want you guys to let me make my own fucking decisions. I was long done with it and my mum just got too demanding.
Have you ever cried until your tears got significantly less salty.

Despite that, EPGY EPGY EPGY EPGY EPGY EPGY EPGY EPGY EPGY IM SO EXCITED
I'm going to the airport right now 8'D
In about sixteen hours, I'll be in San Francisco.

Sandy 07-23-2013 01:10 AM

Sandy is a baby and vents a lot and doesn't like summer break
 
I had two panic attacks today. For COMPLETELY irrational reasons. I heard a fricken TRUCK go down the road and my mind contorted it into something else. It wasn't just a truck anymore. It was a truck driving up and down the road; repeatedly running over my dogs, who had in my mind, managed to escape from the fenced area of the yard and gotten onto the road. MY DOGS WERE IN THE HOUSE THE ENTIRE TIME, yet I still burst into sobs and I couldn't even look out the window to check for the truck. I kept hearing my dogs getting hit by the truck. I repeat: THEY WERE IN THE HOUSE THE ENTIRE TIME, and this still happened. And then my mom got me out of the house to go on this walk with her and, since she never leashes them up (which makes me anxious even at the best of times) they crawled under some randomer's fence and were in their backyard and wouldn't come out. I flipped out because I thought they had already made their way onto a different block and onto the road and, I assumed, OF COURSE, that they had been hit by a car and started sobbing again. Panic attacks aren't normal for me, ever, but when they do happen, it is ALWAYS triggered by those goddamn dogs. Any pet, really. God, I hate them for that. I hate that I love them so much and get so worried about how small they are and it just led to me panicking about so many other things, like my future and how I was going to die someday and within a couple years be completely forgotten. My life just flashes in front of my eyes and I realize that it's pointless and my panic reaches a whole new level. And then I panic about panicking. I panic about my anxiety and the fact that beneath the good grades and cherade of having my crap together, I'm just a huge baby. And then after that, due to me panicking about panicking, I broke down and sobbed to my mom and finally told her that I feel like I'm not good enough for her or my dad or ANYONE. I feel so unbelievably terrible. I'm so ashamed of this (which begs the question, why on earth am I ranting about it online, but I'd rather not rant it to people I know in real life seeing as I already cause them enough trouble) and the fact that I'm constantly anxious and barely remember to feed myself or sleep anymore. I'm so anxious for days where I have to volunteer I confuse my schedule and I show up either a day early or a day late and then feel either stupid or horrifically guilty. The fact that any kind of traumatic event could happen at any time around me haunts me every day to the point where I'll convince myself that it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. So to combat this I just stay here in my room. I surround myself with noise and barriers so that if someone starts screaming outside, or if someone gets hurt, I'll be too soaked up in my ignorance to notice. It's this toxic cycle I've gotten into but I don't believe I'm worth the effort of trying to break it. I feel so terrible. I want to tell my parents and ask them for help but I can't because I already know that they'll tell me to get more exercise but I'm incapable of even doing that without adding some toxic body image problem onto into the equation like I did last time. I'm literally just a huge baby and I feel so, so terrible about it.
Sometimes I wonder, is it my nature to be like this? Has school somehow turned me into an anxious blubbering fool when I don't have a clearly defined set of goals and a culminating activity? Have I really been broken and moulded into the perfect student so easily? I'm confident giving speeches in front of classes. I'm confident talking and answering questions about things I don't know, and I don't get nervous before exams. Yet when I'm given an inch of freedom for the summer I go absolutely berserk? What kind of life do I have set up for me after completing my education? I'm caught between a knife and a razor here--it's either be trapped in a repeating system of performing futile tasks, or completely losing my head when I'm not locked into the same schedule that I've grown to hate.
My mom told me that she loves me, that everyone loves me, and that she's proud of me for dealing with my anxiety withit drugs or alcohol or sex like other kids my age, but I can't bring myself to believe her. I still have self-worth that is below the level of "human being," and believe it is not unjust to treat myself as such. I can't stop being anxious because on some level I feel like I deserve it, like it's some kind of punishment I give myself for being alive.
I feel so, so terrible. Useless. Weak. Like I'm secretly some kind of "damaged goods" or whatever that tries to hide the fact that I have a huge fracture in my soul for whatever dumb reason but I do a crappy job at hiding it anyways and I end up crawling back, over and over and over again to people who I try to act professional with, people I told myself would never ever see me weak or anything less than confident and in control of myself and my life and everything. My anxiety makes me feel so worthless and undesirable (I don't mean in a romantic sense, I mean this as an all-around, general "Oh my god get that person away from me" way) and crappy as a human being.

I would give anything to be feeling terrible about a science project on quantum physics instead of feeling terrible about how I cunningly plan to somehow thwart insanity this summer and all the summers to come. I'd much rather cry over a failing mark than a failing mind. But the luxury of being too focused on writing an essay on Marcus Brutus's fatal flaws to notice my own is something I won't know again until September.





Quote:

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 482753)
wow


Thank you... so much. this really helped me, Sandy, and I know its sounds cheesy, but you're amazing and I am so grateful for you and your help.

Nah, it doesn't sound cheesy at all. If anything it made my evening worthwhile. I wish I could have worded stuff better/made less typos/given a better response in general but I'm kinda shaky with responding to vents but I try and hope for the best. I'm so, so glad that I helped you somehow, even if only a little bit.


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