Serious triggers, graphic talk of suicide
 

Lately I've been experimenting with how far I can push myself. It's kind of a game of physical chicken. The thing is, the more I think about it the more I realize how simple it would be for me to simply stab a knife into my chest, or someone else's, or to jump out of a moving car or shave my head or steal that necklace at I want. And as soon as I come to this realization at the must mundane of times (chopping carrots, driving into town, shopping) it's like...like at mandatory scene in Disney movies. Like when Captain Hook chased Peter Pan put across a cliff, swishing his sword, and he STAYS *SUSPENDED in the air, functioning normally, until he realizes his situation. And THEN, all of a sudden everything changes, as soon as he gets that little piece of information, he can't stay suspended anymore. Gravity comes back from lunch break, he flails uselessly and FALLS.*
I guess what I'm getting at is that I keep pushing myself off of that cliff. I feel that I have perfect control of my body, but then I realize all these strange, morbid, horrible things, and I lose it. Did you know that it would take the same amount of force to bite straight through your own finger than it does to bite into a carrot? If you wanted to, you could bite off your own finger. Just take a minute to imagine that. Imagine how it would feel on your teeth, and your skin and muscle. You could probably hear it. You would definitely taste it, taste your own blood.
But the thing is, you don't do that. Because as soon as you even gently close your teeth around your finger, warning bells go off in your head. Your finger hurts a little. It just feels WRONG. your body and mind are simultaneously warning you not to hurt yourself.*
But don't you ever imagine what would happen if those urges weren't there? If you just...lost control of your muscles. You think it, you do it. It's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, to be honest. When I'm in the car, when I think in detail about what would happen were I to open the door, jump out... I don't want the thought, but suddenly it's all that I can think about. I make it into a little game with myself. Would I have time to unbuckle my seatbelt, ready myself, unlock the door before my family noticed? Would the wind force slam the car door shut before I could even jump out? I'd have to be fast or else my dad would stop driving. But maybe by then I would have hit the asphalt, too damaged to move. That car behind and to the left of us is going fast. They probably wouldn't stop in time. They'd run me over and that would be the end of it.
I can't prevent these thoughts. And what's worse is that once I've had them, it's as though my body is trying to enact it, with or without my permission. I unbuckle my seatbelt. I reach for the lock and a terrified of how easy it is, that there is no magical force field that would ward me away from these things, the things that just don't happen because you can't do it, you have no reason to.
I keep suddenly realizing that there is no solid ground, no force field, under my feet, that I am in midair with only a nervous system and those urges of common sense to protect me. And I grow increasingly afraid that these will fade.
It's a dull and irrational fear and it only appears once in a while. But when it does, I want to lock myself up, keep away from danger, only to be defeated by the omnipotent threat that being an independant person on charge of a meat suit brings. I can do anything that I want,whether I want it or not.

Let your rant flow free like the running rivers, Sandy. SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS FOR ALL TO HEAR! xD

Maybe throwing away the scales could be for the better? It couldn't hurt. Yeah the journal thing sucks. Would you ever think of confronting them about it, to see if they really did read any of it?

My brother left for his Sophmore year at college this morning and I didn't even cry. :)

Thanks, man. I've been afraid of telling anyone else because, yeah, I'd get sent to the guidance counselor in a heartbeat.

*didn't see this until just now* O_O

Oh my gosh, Cass, I'm so sorry... D: I have no idea what's wrong with your friend. You don't deserve to go through ANY of that with her. *hugs* I hope she stops this soon and you can go back to being best friends.

Don't say that it's not important, everything is important in a different way. :)

Well, if your scared of dying, don't attempt it, that's for sure. xD Just try to push any suicidal thoughts out of your mind: imagine a brick wall scooting it all away.

*huggles* do you want to talk about it?

Stand up to them, Owen.
It isn't though. I'm sorry about the journal.
Haha, that's me and my friend.
Well, she's not being an asshole but I just hate her sometimes.
She's boring.
What happened?

About that finger thing.
No wonder Elphaba managed to bite off someone's finger.
Sorry.
I think it's a case with me, but perhaps less severe. It's mainly with heights. I can stand at the edge of a cliff for ages if I had no disturbance. I tried in Grand Canyon and my mum half broke down. I got into trouble, obviously and now I can't be 1.5 m from the cliffside when my parents are here. It's the fucking HEIGHTS that attract me.
e_e
It IS important. You shouldn't have to think about death right now. It will come eventually, don't go thinking about it if you're scared of it.
D:

I've had a lot of bad experiences with friends, and simply people in general. I've lost three best friends. The third time was the charm...you don't get how much I cried the year she switched schools, how badly I wanted to move.

Things slowly got better. Or at least, so I thought. I mean, I stopped crying and I have a group of friends.

But the problem is that I'm simply not as close to any of my friends that go to my school as I was to my best friend who moved. I mean, yeah, they're my friends and I hang out with them at school. But I have no desire to invite them over/hang out with them much otherwise. That's me time.

My mom's started to notice. She keeps telling me to invite friends over, but she doesn't seem to understand that I'm happier simply on my own. She thinks all of my friends are going to ditch me throughout my four years of high school, and I'm going to be left out of social activities. I've tried to tell her that I'm not as close to any of them as my best friend who moved, and she tells me to make new friends. And then she'll say something like "well, ____ seems like a nice girl. Why don't you make friends with her?"

She doesn't understand that everyone in my school is in a clique. And most of the girls she tries to tell me to hang out with are nice enough, but they hang out with the snooty popular girls whom I dislike. She doesn't get that you can't just butt into a clique and steal a member. It doesn't happen. And to tell you the truth...I'm pretty sure there's no one at my school who I'll ever be that close to. I mean, yeah I'm close to my group of friends but not as close to them as I was to my other best friend.

My mom doesn't seem to understand how much her comments about me being ditched by my friends (it hasn't happened, but she thinks it will) hurts me. She doesn't understand that I'm just not a social person.

...and I've tried to keep in touch with my best friend who moved. I really have. For a while, I thought things would work out. I really did. But eventually, she stopped trying to make plans with me, even though I'd suggested it. For example, I suggested it one weekend and she kept saying she was too busy, but not long afterwards I saw her sister post on Facebook or something how all her siblings were gone, including my best friend to a sleepover.

We're both fading quickly. I'm almost starting to think that my best friend who moved doesn't want to be friends with me anymore.

It makes me want to cry every time I realize that we're not best-friends/sisters anymore.

I don't even have a best friend anymore.
Last night I tried to accept this.
I took all of my friend's pictures out of my room. I put them away. I told myself "we were never friends."
Maybe if I say that enough, I can trick myself into thinking it's true.
Because I almost think friendships that fade are less painful than ones that are burned.

fuuck everything