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you shouldn't hate yourself you're great. *hugs* you won't. you've done tons of things right c: |
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watch out: cursing. sorry :(
My low self worth is finally starting to affect/change my life.
Does this mean it finally qualifies as a mental illness? I'm suffocated by how absolutely worthless I am. I don't even deserve to be considered worthless, if that makes sense? I don't deserve any thought, and I'm shocked when someone actually gives me any. I'm just so mentally and physically sick of myself and my life and my inability to live. I don't even have the energy to be afraid of my future, which is undoubtedly going to be full of shit like this. I'm so sick. I'm so sick of this. And I'm pathetic for thinking like this. Everywhere I turn, I remind myself how pathetic I am. What a little bitch I am. I can't deal with my own problems, but I can't bring myself to want to burden anyone else with them. I always believed I was worthless as a little kid. I was constantly guilty for being alive, and although I've never wanted to die, I'd always wish I'd never been born at all. I was so anxious, waiting for myself to screw something up again, piss someone off again, prove to myself again that I wasn't worth being alive. Nothing's changed. I can say that this attitude has been completely preserved, eight or so years later. There is nothing that can convince me that the future won't be like this too. Me, dragging myself through a life that means nothing to me. I'm exactly like everyone else--in a world of over nine billion people, what does my life matter? Wouldn't everyone be better off without me? Should I die? I'm less than nothing, I'm a negative number of a person, just draining money and resources and energy from the people around me, the people who actually give a shit about me, the people I care about. No one would care if I was gone. Maybe people would benefit from me being gone. Am I really going to kill myself? Everything around me is so dead. It's mutual deadness, from both me and from the world around me. My head is so full of ugliness. I feel like there's tumours and ulcers and disease inside me, feeding off of my inability to live. Today my art teacher let me play with her copic markers. I got so unbelievably excited about it. It was something new. Something I could do instead of rotting away for another 75 minutes of my life. I'm such a little bitch. I whine and complain about everything, and when I'm not doing that, I'm having some kind of fucked up panic attack. I've been struggling to get over my fear of violence, and all along the way I've been berating myself for not being stronger. What would people say, if they found out about how pathetic I am? I can't keep my shit together when people start yelling at each other. I get flashbacks, I get nauseous, I start shaking. What the hell is wrong with me? Two idiots got into a yelling match on the bus ride home two weeks ago, and I was frozen in my seat, unable to even look back at them, terrified. My bus driver screamed something at them, and I couldn't believe it. How could he do that? How were other people not afraid? How did he have the guts to break them up? How could he just jupm in like that, and why couldn't I do that? Why couldn't I just sit there without getting flashbacks and wanting to throw up? I don't understand. I hate myself so much, I have panic attacks when my dog fucking hides under the bed and I can't find her for like five minutes. How the fuck am I supposed to handle normal life? I'm not a fucking 50-year-old war veteran with PSTD who gets triggered when they hear loud noises, I'm a 15-year-old with a normal life, why can't I keep my fucking shit together? Why??? I don't understand I usndont understand The only thing that gives me the determination to stay alive is maybe, just maybe, I'll do something good for someone in the shitty, mediocre future that's ahead of me. Maybe I'll get married--(I'm expecting that'll go wrong too too, like everything else, like every other marriage I've ever seen ever, and I'll end up even more fucked up than before). Maybe I'll save someone's life. Maybe I'll find something, someone worth living for. But the chances of me actually not being a piece of shit are so unbelievably low, I'm not sure why I even try. Next week I have to help a kid learn how to read in French/English. They come from a non-Anglophone family and I'm nervous as fuck, I've been flipping out since I found out yesterday. What the hell am I gonna do? Walk up to the parents and be like "ohonhonhon baguette eiffel tower, omelette du fromage"? I'm going to sit there reading in French whilst shitting my pants because I have no idea what I'm doing. My friends think I can do it, though, and deep down, I think I can do it, and I guess whoever read my application form thinks I can do it, and apparently I'm the most qualified for it, but wow. i'm so so nervous. i don't know if i can do this. i can't do anything. |
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i guess you could say the only good thing about my personality is that i'm so unbelievably slow to anger. despite how worthless and useless and absolutely horrible i am, i dont snap at people. i don't yell, i dont raise my voice, the closest to an angry thing you'd ever hear from me would be some kind of subtly sarcastic comment that'd i'd still manage to twist into friendly banter. it's like i save allll my anger for myself. all my loathing is for me. i save every hateful thing and word and thought for myself. one of my friends got pissed off and started yelling at me for no reason. i just happened to be in front of her and she just started yelling at me. i'm kind of proud that i didn't get scared, and i'm really proud that i was able to tell her off. i just said "why are you yelling at me?" and she stopped but i'm still happy. i didn't just put my head down and take it like i normally do. and i guess i can feel good that i don't do that; i don't look at someone and just lose my calm. it's the only thing i'm really holding onto. despite everything, despite how low i am, i'm stable. oh god i'm so i don't know maybe that doesn't make me as worthless as i thought i'm slowly making progress, i guess. inching away from being the hysteric bucket of panic and nerves that i used to be. i still dont know what made me this way, but i know it's not normal to feel like this. no one else i know has wanted to not be alive so sincerely for this long. why am i such a freak |
I know this may not mean much, but your amazing quality as a writer and an author and your steady perseverance at being a good person whilst surrounded by all this shit has already affected me and will continue to affect others. You're one of the strongest people I know, even if you don't know it yet.
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To Dansy:
Sandy, I'm going to respond to your vents. This might take me a while because I have a lot to say. So just keep an eye out for my response, okay? I probably won't give it to you on KP, though.
But I will say this, right up front: You matter to me. I know that it sounds crazy; thinking someone half a continent away cares about you. But it's true. You. Matter. To. Me. Do you know what I would do if you died???? Do you?! Well, I hope you know, because, I don't have the slightest freaking idea WHAT I'd do. I mean....just...asdfghj. I'll explain more in my full response. But, just...Sandy.... x__x *giant bear hug* You have worth, okay? |
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Awake and Alive by Skillet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aRlxHtB0pg This is my new--and permanent--theme song. |
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I'm a bit confused, though. I saw a short story you wrote and it was seriously gory, yet you have a fear of violence...? Quote:
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