im glad it did c: *hands hot cocoa for comfort*

When did I lose my ability to cry?

I'm fine when I'm around others
but when I'm alone
sometimes I scare myself

When did I lose my ability to feel any emotion other than anger at everyone? D:

why are you such an idiot, me
you shouldn't get so attached to people you know are going to die
soon
seriously you've known this one was dying since like, the beginning
there's that one too
but this one, this one is very problematic
you are clinging to this one really really hard
I know that you relate to them
a lot
but they are going to die
soon
you won't be okay
will time heal your wounds this time around
or will these never be healed
I'm scared
you're scared
we're scared
I'm scared
we've been stalling for a long time you know
you know you don't have long
you know they don't have long
waiting will only draw out the pain
wait
don't wait
which

what's happening to me

I drown on the tears that accumulate inside because the floodgates are broken and will not open

what the fuck am I rambling on about

school starts really soon and i'm just really really scared

okay, i've decided that if i still feel like this after my shows next week, i'm going to kill myself sometime between my vacation and when school starts up. it's not worth it, going through all of this. i've been violated and terrified and strung out to the end of my rope. well, they've won, and i don't care. i'll be dead by then. i won't have to go back to school and face the horrors there. i won't have to go back home and face the horrors there. i won't have to go anywhere with horror, i won't even know the meaning of the word. and i'm so excited to be dead it's unnerving. but i can't help looking forward to it. knowing that there's nothing to live for here that i won't give up to be dead. fuck books to read, sunsets to watch, animals to pet, i don't need them. i don't care and i won't care when i'm dead. i'm going to kill myself and i can't fucking wait. maybe i'll be reborn into a different body. maybe i can start this thing over and have my second chance. maybe nothing will happen but my body will decay into my coffin into the ground. i don't care. nothing matters to me anymore. i've detached myself so much from this life, and now it's time to finally let go.