hey SM, I have no idea what you're going through, but I want you to know that it's ok to be broken. It's ok to have no idea what to do. it's ok that you can't cry, it's ok that you may feel empty, it's ok that you're terrified. you know why? because things will change. there will come a moment someday where you will be so filled with life, so filled with love, so filled with happiness, that you realize all that hollow space inside you has been flooded with fragments of the things that make life worth living. I'm not saying it's good to feel void—I'm saying that, in the future, you won't feel void. You'll won't feel that depression, taking away from everything that fills the rest of you. the weight of the emptiness won't be on your shoulders, and you'll be able to recognize all that you've always been worth. someday, it will all work out, and you will have hopes and dreams and cry tears of joy for the hole inside yourself you filled.

although I know it feels like it will never end, it WILL. trust me. Although hope may be the hardest thing to come by these days, it is the only thing you need to cling to. it will save you. even when you feel like you have nothing, you can still find hope. You can find it in the friend you haven't talked with all summer. You can find it in the TV show you haven't finished, the video game you haven't beat. you can find it in the color you haven't dyed your hair. you can find it in the food you haven't tried. you can find it in the fancy shoes you haven't worn, the hiking trail you haven't trekked, the upcoming album you haven't heard. you can find it in anything. Sometimes, you HAVE to find it in anything, if it's nowhere else to be found. please, you have to find something to hope for. stay up late to fingerpaint. wake up early to watch the sunrise. try coffee. spit it out. try tea. fall in love. go for a run. feel the sweat soak through everything you touch. shower until the water turns cold. put your iPod on shuffle. wrap yourself in every comforter you own. fall asleep to Beethoven, wake up to MCR. do anything to fill your chest with life, even if only for a moment.

it's ok to feel lost. someday, you will find yourself again.

ugh these emotional highs and lows are coming back
i feel happier when i don't take my meds but i was a lot worse than before i was prescribed them
oh my god i hate this feeling and its coming back for the first time in a few weeks shit

Why can't I be happy for five minutes without someone coming in and ruining it :/

I cried today
Not as much as I wanted to
But it felt good and bad and
It was relieving

to me, crying is utter complete weakness.
i've started this thing where i'm not allowed to cry more than once every two weeks
it's failing
i'm weak

My dad noticed I'm acting sad and asked why so I told him I don't know. He said it's because it's probably depression and to stop acting selfishly.
First of all, depression isnt something so easily changed. It's not something on the surface you can tug off. It's underneath the surface in the chemicals and it's not a choice. I didn't choose to be unhappy but I am.
Second of all, if he's trying to make me feel better that was a hopeless attempt.
Thirdly? He has no idea what's been going on.
I'm just so angry at him right now.

I had to bite back a ton of sarcastic retorts today.

How can anyone just be so cruel? She's just awful. I wanted to say something to her... I had so many great comebacks just waiting to be said, but I decided to stay out of trouble. I just had to keep being the quiet, cowardly girl I am.

And now I hate myself for it.

And how can he be friends with her? How can he stand her? I thought he was so nice. I thought he was one of those people to look up to. But he just sat there and laughed while she said the most awful things. He treated her like the little princess she's used to being. Gosh, how did I ever have a crush on this jerk?

I'm in the same situation.
Except it's "How did I ever think that lots of people had crushes on this jerk, and fake one of my own?"

Haha. I guess "crush" is the wrong word. It was more of just wanting to be his friend.

Sucks, though, doesn't it.

Yes.
Especially when everyone at school goes along with it and still thinks you like him, and keeps trying to set you up, so you need to think of rejection lines which you forget on the spot and resort to saying things like "go away" which don't make an impression.
Boys suck. >.<