The Writer's Block - Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain.

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- Free advice (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/forumdisplay.php?f=8)

- - Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emaafre (Post 316189)

I'm so scared!!! I'm going into middle school this fall and I hear it's a lot worse than elementary school. I never fit in at my old school and there's a voice in my head telling me that I won't fit in at middle school. Or ever. ARGH I FEEL LIKE JUMPING OFF A CLIFF SO I DON'T HAVE TO ENDURE THIS PAIN ANYMORE!!!!!!!
I . HATE. MY. LIFEEEE!
CAN SOMEONE OUT THERE PLEASE SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD?
THANKS.

How big is your middle school? And are you switching schools/school districts, or are you just going from elementary school to middle school? Don't worry about fitting in - as long as you have good friends, everything will be fun. Trust me, I don't fit in at all, but it's fun when you have friends with you. :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 315602)

If it's syndromes and such that we're talking about, I have something relevant to not only this thread but this conversation as well.
I noticed I'm slipping back into how I used to be half a year ago... oh god... almost as if I'm in some sort of relapse. I'm sinking back into insomnia and paranoia, which just seems very strange for a fourteen year old girl (like, the things I think about when I'm sitting in bed trying to sleep and thoughts are FLOODING to my head, and how paranoid I am without even realizing it)... maybe for a twelve year old kid, but now I'm fourteen, and this doesn't seem like it should be happening.
I feel... schizotypal again. More than ever, but like I have it more under controlled because I'm more active. But... God, I remind myself of Beethoven, who was bipolar. I'm moody, angry, frustrated and hopeless when it comes to anything creative I do (writing, art, music) and in the past few days I a) have only left the house to go to tennis camp in the morning b) have spent all my free time drawing, completed twelve pages of graphic novel c) learned Mad World on the piano by ear (like... who does that? o_O)... and I'm so... I don't know. I can't stop thinking again, and the other day it drove me into a meltdown, I got so panicked thinking about how whoever I end up marrying will go to every length and seek every opportunity to cheat on me (ridiculous fear o_o) I nearly threw up and I couldn't do anything for two days. And I knew I was being totally ridiculous, but I couldn't stop the thoughts that were pouring into my head, and the little voices that were telling me that someone else would always be more attractive and that I was... going to be raped someday and there was nothing I could do about it. o_e Naturally, this is highly irrational but... ehh. (*shrugs*)
I'm half expecting the laughing blonde girls in their blue dresses and Coraline's zombie dad to come back in a couple of months or something... e_e
And the twitching... not looking forward to getting the twitching back...
I guess I just feel crazy again, because I've been more creative than ever... but if this continues, eventually I'm going to run myself into the ground. o_o
(*I would apologize for this being a ramble but it's an emotional venting thread so I don't have to! >8^D*)

...Okay, I get the racing thoughts, but the thoughts that you're having make no sense to me. O_o It goes without saying that whoever you marry will be too in love with you to even notice that other females exist. And I'd LOVE to be able to learn how to play a song by ear! O_O AND draw that much in one day! And the little voices? I can kind of understand. I've been dealing with a little "voice" for several weeks now, but I know it's just part of me being hard on myself and being sick of how things are.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Cass... D: Is there anything you can think of that might calm you down? Does listening to music help?

And, yeah, like someone up there said, Beethoven was successful and pretty darn talented. ;) All geniuses have their quirks.

So here's my rant that I have been going on about for ages, but haven't actually written it down or anything. *takes a deep breath*

So I play the piano, but I only have a keyboard. "What's the problem with a keyboard?" You ask. Well, it's quite an old keyboard. Like, seven/six years old. My sister got it when she was playing the flute at primary school, and my parents thought it was a good idea to give it to her. But she never used it because she focused on playing the flute, so I used it sometimes. I wanted to learn how to play, so my mum signed me up for lessons when I was seven/eight. They were meant to be keyboard lessons, but they were booked up so I had to have piano lessons. I've been playing for five years now, doing Grade 4 this year, and I still have this keyboard. I'm playing challenging pieces that require all of the notes on the piano, which I don't have (my keyboard is missing an octave) and I don't have a pedal and I need one for two out of three of the pieces in my exam (this has happened before) and I can't practice some parts without the (three) pedals. I wish I had a piano, but I don't think I'll be getting one anytime soon.

Rant over. 8D

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose (Post 316233)

Your school might have one. Stay after school and practice there, if you get your music teacher/parents' okay.

I've been so angry lately

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 316225)

It's just... where I am... whenever someone says that our town sucks BIG TIME and then apologizes, saying, "No... actually, it's like this everywhere else," I always correct them with, "Actually, no, our city BARELY missed the top ten worst places in Canada," as a fact, and all the tards here combined with the media is really depleting my hope for humanity. The only image of a "man" I've ever really had is some tard who is a slave to his instincts and goes after every person of interest they see... or maybe that's just teenagers... probably just teenagers but it's still how I feel and I hate it, it's not fair because I KNOW in the back of my head that there are non-tards in the world, actual PEOPLE, but my heart won't believe it (oh god why am I tearing up... okay, I'm good).
Mind you, guys probably think the same things about girls. -___- And the rift of misunderstanding widens yet.
They make no sense to me either. They're really circling around my tokophobia (fear of pregnancy... with seems even more irrational than normal phobias considering how I'm only 14 and while I know 14-year-olds who ARE at risk of conception, I... well, you know me. o_O) that I realized I had developed over time, after two years of wondering why I loved kids but never ever ever wanted my own, realizing that I would never want to have a life totally depending on mine since I've proven to myself many times that I can hardly take care of my own.

*Please don't read this. The only reason I posted it is because it's the emotional venting thread. Especially don't read it if you're easily bothered by things.
And... I don't know, Ash. Even if I do find someone who isn't total tard scum scraped off of horse butt (I'm sorry, everyone else... you don't deserve to be grouped with these people), I will NEVER be able to fully believe that they love me. Never. I know that for a fact. It's my anxiety; every single one of my freaking problems stems from my anxiety, anxiety I've had hanging on my back since I was freaking born. With reminds me of yet another issue... I'm running harder than I ever have in my entire life. Yesterday I ran until I almost vomitted on the treadmill. Twice. And suddenly, it's no longer enough to keep the anxiety away. My legs are aching, my hips are sore... and suddenly what's been keeping me safe for a beautiful three quartres of a year is starting to fail. It's creeping back, even when I'm doing what I love, hanging out with friends, smashing the piano keys or blasting death metal to fill my brain so much with sound that the thoughts can't haunt me because there's no room.
Who would want that as a friend? A partner? An acquantaince?
I know I wouldn't.
Maybe I am a genius. I took an IQ test a couple years ago and THEN it told me I was the five percent who was smarter than 95% of the population. And that was a couple years ago. School is a waste of time for me, anything they teach me I either already know or could figure out on my own. That's why I'm going into the IB curriculum... but I'm scared that even then, it won't be enough knowledge, enough projects to feed my mind, my anxiety. If I don't feed it, it starts to eat me. Up there, I wasn't bragging. To anyone who struggles in school, to people who don't have to STOP themselves from contemplating the universe, what is reality, philosophy, psychology, to the people who are able to enjoy their summer break and act like NORMAL kids... I envy you. I wish I could think like a normal person. I wish I... I don't know. I wish I wasn't so freaking scattered. Scattered and paranoid and crazy.
I mean... who can say that there ISN'T something wrong with me? My sense of humour resembles Tourette's syndrome more than anything. I'll blurt out things, I don't even... ughhh... And what? What am I, exactly? A half-prep-half-emo-half-soulkid who likes death metal and anime at the same time? Who is afraid of touching people because I'm convinced that with the flick of my hand they'll end up on the ground?
And what's the point of being a genius if everything you create is stupid? VM... my art... everything's so, so, STUPID, why do I even bother? My parents have called me Beethoven, the mad writer, Michelangelo... go away. You're so baised. I hate everything I create, and is it really creation if all it is is simply pulled from my stupid teen girl emotions? Sounds more like imbecility to me, and I'm ashamed of everything I do. I'm just not enough for myself, perfect isn't good enough for me, perfect is FAR from good enough for me...
And that's why I'll never be able to believe that someone can love me. I see myself as too flawed, too unecessary, why do they say im good they know im not and im sure that they are thinking it inside but they dont say why would they say they know that im just a stupid loser no one would really listen to me for this long in real life my parents are usually good with this but they would just think im crazy im sick of being crazy im sick of being different im sick of the burdens it puts on me im sick of the anxiety i would rather be an unambitious burger flipper than totally insane shoot-for-the-stars?-fool-i-will-shoot-for-the-world-over person and im sick of being so isolated no one i know is like me or rather i cant relate to anyone i know for some reason i dont know yet i just dont know and really, amid all these expectations, my only dream is to find someone who can view me as something i do not view myself. GOOD ENOUGH. PERFECT. this will never happen and its driving me insane god i talk about boys being crazy and indecent well look at me, i'm crazier than any adulterous person would ever be and im sick of it, sick sick sick sicksicksicksickikscisiidsi!Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god, Ash. What if I really am schizo-_____ (fill in the blank with whichever one you want. ._. Schizotypal, schizophrenic, schizoid, schizoaffective... I don't know.) It seems to run on my dad's side with the women, great aunt, cousin... me? Me and my cousin look very alike. My dad says that she's the only one in my entire family (extended, immediate) that has green eyes like mine, but I think that they're hazel rather than yellow. I haven't seen her in years, I can't remember. I doubt it, but still... what if the gene is in me, lurking and waiting until the day comes when I start to REALLY break? And what if someday I get over my phobia and have a schizophrenic child? What am I supposed to do with that? HOW CAN I POSSIBLY TELL ANYONE I FALL IN LOVE WITH ABOUT WHEN I HEARD VOICES, ABOUT HOW LOOKING INTO A MIRROR WAS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I'VE EVER FORCED MYSELF TO DO, ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY THINGS I'VE DONE IN FITS OF I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT, how isolated I am, about how I wish I could think in a normal way but I never will.
God, when something happens, I can be so strong. When we had the car accident, I was the most composed one, holding the dogs until the car stopped flying and holding my mom until she stopped shaking... why is it that it's so difficult to get through the month? The year? (*crying now*)
Why am I so angry? I know I'm always the cynical one on Valentine's day, but I never felt a particular resent towards couples... it's just when it comes to me. I get angry. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve to make someone's life hell, even if they DID love me, which they don't. They won't.
Oh god, Ash, what if I'm pregnant? What if i'm pregnant what if i'm pregnant what if i'm pregnant what if i'm pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant
Why do I joke around with my friends about how awesome and sexy and smart I am when it's just a desperate attempt to tell myself that I'm worth it? They don't listen to me anyways. My closest friends... it doesn't matter to them if I'm there with them. God, I could throw myself off a bridge.
At this point, I was crying so hard I had to take a break and grab a drink of water before I could keep writing this.
Sometimes (like now) I wish I had the courage to just give myself the bullet I deserve for my stupidity, for THIS. But the sight of blood and anything like it sends shivers down to my very bones now after everything.

I don't know, Ash... how do you deal with stuff? On KP, you're always so calm and collected...

If everyone's as crazy as I am... (*crawls into a deep corner in the closet, refuses to come out*)
Ugh... why am I so miserable...
Maybe this was all triggered when I found one of the vent arts I made a while ago. It wasn't bloody or evil or anything, it was just so... sad. I had filled a massive page with words and then watercoloured all over them and wrote at the bottom, "You see this? These are words. People say I've mastered the simile, I get the best writing marks... but I still can't properly say how I feel" but the watercolour didn't completely cover all the words and I could make some of them out, and they basically reminded me of everything I had forgotten.

Good times.
e_e

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 316481)

O_O ...
Okay, I'm slapping you through the computer right now.

CASSANDRA. Get a hold of yourself before I start crying, too! XD XD DX DX
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m745njYWTV1qhk987.gif

Just...try to stay calm, okay? I'm going to respond to all of that via email. Okay? Just...give me a minute to type. It's going to be okay, though, Cass. <:^J Trust me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 316498)

My face when I realize you read it:
http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/w...bb4-oh-god.gif

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 316505)

My face when I realize you read it:
http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/w...bb4-oh-god.gif

I read it too... I think I'm gonna cry. I don't even know you that well and it's like you opened your soul to me (well, to Ash, but it's on the internet and I was on the Emotional Venting thread soo...). Urgh. *virtual hugs all around* Just.... I don't know. I'm not sure if anything I'll say will make it better or worse. So I'll just hug. *hugs tightly* *has tears in the corners of my eyes*

Quote:

Originally Posted by soph-soph27 (Post 316023)

I sorta know how you feel, cause whenever I'm alone- whether it's at home, or left by friends at school, or anything, I freak out. Isolophobia. Fear of isolation or being alone. It's ridiculous for me, cause I'm thirteen, and I live in a cul-de-sac. Which means there would be no reason for anyone to break in. But like I said, it scares the crap out of me just to be left alone, I always feel like I need to be around someone. It makes me feel like a wimp whenever my friends are home alone, and they don't care that no parent or someone is isn't there.

Heyys! *waves* I have that too! Now that I know what it's called.... what was the one for fear of balloons again? (Which I also have... rather like a normal person's fear of a ticking bomb :^D)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 316505)

My face when I realize you read it:
http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/w...bb4-oh-god.gif

*le weird me* Breaking Bad GIF. Sweet. XD