unhappy things i guess
 

mom still thinks it's a physical problem with me and seriously need to talk to someone else about this. but like, who do I talk to? That really nice lady from the church we practically abandoned? My dance teacher who has like 10 grandkids of her own and 50 more students? My dad who lives 3 hours away and tends to bother me with every conversation we have? my almost adult sister who can't be without me in an unfamiliar hallway but she can drive me places? My other judgemental relatives? My relatives that live half a country away? What do I do, ride my bike to the doctor's office and just say, hey i'm a minor but I want help with my mental health?

I'm getting super worried and I don't know what to do. My mom asked me what I want to do about doctors (because she seriously thinks is some health problem her family passed down to me and I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY BODY I CARE ABOUT MY HEAD AND MY FEELINGS AND MY MEMORY AND MY ABILITY TO PAY ATTENTION AND MY CONTROL OVER MY EMOTIONS. I DON'T CARE HOW BAD MY BODY IS. I PICK AT MY SCABS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I MESS UP MY BODY ALL THE TIME. WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT FEELING FAT NOW WHEN MY EVERYDAY LESSONS ARE LIKE "WELL, IT WOULD BE AWKWARD TO BE FOUND DEAD IN THE WOODS" OR "YEAH, SO A METAL NAIL FILE IS NOT SHARP ENOUGH TO CUT A WRIST" BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH. AND I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP)

sorry for the rant you guys, but this is driving me crazy and I'm getting really close to hurting myself one of these days. please help me

my dad thinks i zone out and waste my life when i have a perfect gpa and music credits and club memberships and extracurriculars and everything.
and my grandmother loves force feeding me.
i hope its not wrong to hate them.

also for me it's grades over mental health forever.

So my cat has diabetes.

ok but consider: im losing my friends because i cannot hold a regular conversation with them because i speak so much and i move around so much and because i can never do my work and my friends all think im stupid and im letting my favorite teacher down too and its awful and theyre all just so annoyed with me i wish that i could be as good to them as they are to me. like what the fuck? im literally useless and i bother everyone. for example, i always do annoying habits when i have to move or im anxious and all my friends hate me for it like my friends ask me to stop but i cant!! i dont mean to be the Asshole Who Never Stops Clicking Their Pen Or Tapping Their Foot Or Fingers but its just if i do i feel like im going to cry i almost cried in english because i knew how much everyone at that table hated me but i couldnt move because then i definitely would have cried and that would have just annoyed my english teacher more!! i owe my english teacher so much i wouldnt be here without him but i cant write a simple fucking essay that he asks for i hate myself so much and im sure he does too and all of my friends !!! i want to not be here i know im just a burden!!!!!!!!!! this place would be so much better off without me tbh i cant contribute anything i dont have anything to offer

mmm elliot i really dont. know how to help even though i so badly do because i know exactly how you are feeling ;

you might not wanna hear this but it really does sound like you have mixed adhd like me?? cause thats what i feel 100. so. if it makes you feel any better: its not you doing this, its your mind making you. if you are anything like me, its not voluntary.. anyway... im so so so so sorry you are feeling this way, that .we are better off without you bc guess what?? we love you soooooo much THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS MUCH and more and its so so hard to see but you belong on earth the trash that it is and you are bettering it by just being alive. im sorry i cant help you, elliot :(

my friend is an asshole and i'm really worried about him

*huggles* no no nope you are amazing okay and I love you so much I know exactly how you feel but honestly you are wrong, you are really, really wrong, because you are incapable of letting anyone down. Being fucked up is never your fault, and chances are it's just the way you are and there's nothing wrong with that.

If you have a chance, listen to Now by Fireflight. I know you probably are not into christian bands, but it's not a preachy jesusy song it's more of a hey you are awesome keep trying song.

*hugs* you can do it ok like I don't even know you and I consider you a friend i have no idea why anyone would not want to be friends with you and honestly all your friends probably love you and if they don't they're not your friends.



*hugs* yup those people are the worst

I was actually wrong the imaginary senpais are there yay motivational imaginary senpais they are literally the only reason I am ok right now

i may have just lost my best friend nice :))))

what happened?? are you okay?


when someones being manipulative and then saying rough day like that doesnt excuse you frim being rude to me!! im so!! ugh im sad and angry and honestly you arent the only one who nad a rough day i just couldnt respond to my phone it takes so much Energy