What the hell did I do to diserve you, Madie? To diserve all of you? You have all been so nice and helpful while I've been breaking down into a million pieces. I don't even know any of you. Not really. I've seen your usernames for the past two or three years, but I've never really known any of you. But I'm thankful that you're here. The funny thing is, I don't think I even have a rubber band in my house. And that's a really strange request, don't you think? "Hey dad, while you're at the store, do you think you can buy some rubber bands? What for oh, uh, I don't know, to stop myself from cutting?"

Whatever

Madie, sometimes I think you're the only one who truly cares about me. Even out of what's left of my family. I know they probably do care, but sometimes they do a really shitty job of showing it. I honestly don't know what I would have done, or where I would be without you. Just to think, if my sister hadn't combed the Internet for a writing site, then dicide to convince me to join it, even though I didn't really like writing, or was even good at it, if that hadn't happened, I would never have met you Madie. I would never have talked to you, or fangirled with you. Heck I might have even been dead, cause frankly put, you introduced me to Bastille, and Bastilles music saved me once. Actually stopped me from killing myself. So thank you Madie, I owe my life to you. And I would do anything for you. So for you, I'm going to try to stop cutting. I didn't even know if I wanted to try to stop when I told you about it. But for you, I will try.

hey guys, for anyone out there feeling bad, you should watch this. its a short episode of a cartoon called steven universe and it addresses an important coping technique called mindfulness. even if it doesnt help, it might provide some distraction.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4qaz85

for context, the blue and red gems in the song are gems called ruby and sapphire and they form a fusion called garnet, the calm purple gem. steven is a half gem so he can fuse and him and connie form stevonnie.

what you did to deserve us is exactly what you're doing: coming to us, asking for help.

i ask myself that every day. no, i ask God that every day. what did i do to deserve the people in my life? i took my best friend for granted - can't tell you how long it took me to realize she was the one in my life i needed. i wasted - still waste - countless hours thinking about the friends in my life who don't treat me as well as i'd like. but she does. and you do, stormy. you mean so much to me. you guys are the ones that matter. never take the people in your life for granted. i've done that far too many times to count, and lemme tell you, it's never ended well for me...weird how that works. and sometimes we're the ones being taken for granted. i feel that around my friends a lot, and i hate that you have to feel that with your family. but people always care more than they let on, all right?

you can surely find something. a hairtie. does your sister use those? ask for one for a trivial thing - to bind pencils together, perhaps...to make one of those crazy shapes on a bulletin board with pins or smth. what about a red marker to draw on yourself? okay, how about running your hands under cold water? or taking a baking hot shower (not hot enough to do damage)? you've got those at your disposal, i assume? i bookmarked a list of self-harm alternatives...so glad i did. take a look and read it as often as you can. what you might need to do is channel that destructive feeling into creativity. never destroy - create instead. write down your feelings, everything, on paper, and then rip it up and throw it all away. scribble something as aggressively as you like. it doesn't matter if the paper gets hurt, as long as you don't. throw some rocks to vent your energy.

funny, i was just thinking about that the other day. you had to have come here for a reason, right? maybe to meet me, and all these other kool kids who want to help you get through this. to know you're not and will never be alone. and DUDE we've had the best memories. BASTILLE'S NEW ALBUM IS COMING OUT AND I AM SO EXCITED TO FANGIRL OVER IT WITH YOU WE WILL HAVE THE BEST TIME

hey, i'm glad to hear that. but it wasn't me or Bastille who saved you - it was you all along. that's the best part, the part no one tells you. bastille and i, we gave you the strength to save yourself. stormy, you are doing great. for every minute you aren't hurting yourself, i'm proud of you, so freaking proud. you're doing fantastic. keep it up. don't stop. you can do it. as you're reading this, you're doing it right now. keep going. keep going. you can beat this.

and also, here's something i came up with the other day, i've been meaning to share it with you: every day you get through puts more and more distance between you and these dark times. you're that much closer to this pain being over.

September 9th.
Blame
Snakes
Campus
I
Can't
Wait

On a more serious note, I'm sitting here crying because I don't know what to do and what you wrote actually made me feel wanted. It's 6:44 am and I woke up at 4 and couldn't fall back asleep. It's on of those days when it hurts to do anything. When it feels like I've got a million pounds pressing down on my shoulders. But you make me happy. Tyler (bless the smol bean) puts it perfectly "My decision for living isn't mine to decide" I'm not living for me. I don't know if I was ever living for me. Maybe once, when I was young. When I rode horses every other Thursday instead of twice a week. When going to those lessons always filled me with excitement, the kind that comes in rushes, and each one leaves you more breathless than the last one.
It's been awhile since I've felt like that. I don't live for me. I live for the people who know me, or think they know me at least. Maybe that's not a good thing, but at least I'm living.

me neither (:

oh, stormy, you are wanted - more than that, you are needed. you are in this world for a reason. always remember that. i'm praying that you get some more sleep, because that's so important. someday it won't, kid. make sure you're there to see that. this is why i love ty so much - he will always say what i can't. sometimes the only thing that keeps me alive is the thought of everyone left behind. my little sister all alone, broken. my parents wondering if it was there fault, feeling like failures. my best friend grieving for a lifetime. my church shaken. i could bring that pain onto people. but i won't. i couldn't bear to do that to them. maybe someday you'll learn to live for you. but for now, please remember: there's no such thing as a stupid reason for not killing yourself. "i will try to come across like i am dying to let you know you need to try to think"...that line is so important to me. overthink things like that. it's okay.

stormy, you are so, so loved...please remember that.

ok
https://www.kidpub.com/story/boy-who-shut-1857159202

how is everyone lmao

YOOOO how are u doing???

School starts tomorrow. I am not ready. I'm scared. I'm gonna wear the twenty one pilots shirt I bought yesterday. I hope that will make me feel better. I love car radio. Ya know, I have I funny story to tell you, it was one of my first counseling sessions and the lady asked me what kind of music I like. I said twenty one pilots ( looking back on it, that may not have been a good idea to begin with.) so she decided to put twenty one pilots on her Pandora or what ever. Car radio came on. I started panicking on the inside, cause "I could pull the steering wheel" yeah. That would go over real well. I started talking over the music when that part happened. I don't think she heard, if she did, she didn't bring it up.

Nothing kills a man faster than his own head


. . .

Take me out and finish this waste of a life



i am tired and uninspired. i am used batteries. i am talentless and stale. i am a book that’s been read and now sits on the shelf. i am a broken guitar string. i am useless. i am invisible.

everyday i feel like i’m at war with the world. some days i feel like i’m standing on the tallest mountain screaming at the top of my lungs, “look at me, please look at me.” if loneliness ever needed a definition, it’d be me. i see countless faces everyday but do they see me? i am alone. i am invisible.

all i want to do is to help people like me. i want to hold you and kiss your scars and say, “i swear to god it’ll be okay. not today, but one day. one day you will wake up and smile for no damn reason.” but today we can cry. today, we can be invisible.

Some one made an edit of that song with clips of Tyler. I cried. I can't figure anything out about dandelion hands. But I really like their music.

hey, hey, it'll be okay. think about good things. maybe you'll make some frens. maybe you'll adore your teachers. maybe you'll learn something amazing. it's gonna be fine, kid.

that song has so many freaking layers. i've finally figured that out. it's incredible. that makes me feel so damned understood. that line makes my heart clench. it really does. how did counseling go, anyway? ha, i always do that when listening to "sugar, we're goin down" when Patrick starts the second verse "friction in your jeans" c'x

hey now. none of that. you can get sleep. you can be inspired. batteries can be recharged. you are not talentless. you are not stale. books will always be reread, or borrowed, or sold to someone else who wants them, you know? they never run out of use. broken guitar strings can be fixed and better than before.

i wish there was more i could do for you, stormy, but this is it. i've had a taste of loneliness myself - i get this feeling that i am the least important friend in my friend group. they would all rather spend time with someone else. i've got one single good friend who's never wronged me. and i'm grateful for her, i really am...a couple weeks ago, my friend's niece was here. and, gods, it felt good to be around her. for the three days i got to hang out with her, she made me feel a little less alone and now i have no idea if i'll see her next summer. i didn't feel self-conscious around her. i didn't. i forgot all about the awful anxiety attack i had had that last week. she made me forget about being lonely, and it was great. you'll find someone who makes you feel like that, stormy. i like being alone, but i don't fancy being lonely. but we never really are, depending on how we look at it. we have people who love us, people who would die for us, people who care. we have people who are sharing our troubles, who can relate, who know what we're going through. don't ever stop looking for them.

i want to hold you, too, so badly, but we're stuck here. and that'll have to do. and it'll work. someday things will be okay for both of us.